Welcome!

By registering with us, you'll be able to discuss, share and private message with other members of our community.

SignUp Now!

OzGirl

Global Moderator
Staff member
Joined
Dec 24, 2019
Messages
2,559
Gender Pronouns
She, Her, Hers, Herself
Gender Identity
Female
Nancy, I am so glad you had this day to be in love again! Just don’t forget this life is a rollercoaster, and there will be more ups and downs, but please, celebrate the ups! Her saying she understands ‘how you have come to “like” feminine things’ indicated she doesn’t realise this is an innate part of you, and not something you choose. If she believes this is something you chose, then she will hold you responsible for her pain.

Towards the end of my sex life, my wife would be on top, and it did feel like I was being penetrated as a woman. That didn’t last long! Life with her has been a rollercoaster, but we are still together!

Hugs,

Allie
 
Joined
Jul 28, 2020
Messages
11
Gender Pronouns
She, Her, Hers, Herself
Gender Identity
Female
My wife and I were virtually kids when we got married -- 22. I've written here before that I naively thought that my fascination with (and desire to wear) women's clothes would go away after I got married because back then I thought it was just a sexual thing and I figured I'd be getting a lot of sex (and I did for awhile :)). And, pre-internet, etc., I had no idea about gender dysphoria, transgender, etc.

Anyway, with that brief background, this thing about my "gender issue" has always been a difficult issue and difficult topic in our marriage. Obviously she knows that I under-dress (pretty obvious, I don't try to hide it), and she sees my femme clothes hanging in the closet, but she does not want to see me in them (other than in underwear which she has gotten used to). We just don't talk about it much. When we last did, it resulted in a long period of emotional distancing (from us both because I was very hurt).

Anyway, we've been getting along great. Having fun together, been romantic and sexual, worked on projects together etc., etc. I've been telling her how happy I am -- she's said the same. Then yesterday morning she made a comment related to this prayer thing in Congress about a congressmen (I've now read about it and found out he is a pastor, actually, and was trying to honor all of the female congresswomen and it had nothing to do with gender) ended a prayer by saying Amen and A-woman. My wife said something about how some of these politicians just want there to be no distinction between men and women, anybody can be anybody.

I should have kept my mouth shut, but I asked what she was talking about and she told me about the A-woman, and I said, that sounded unfortunate, but I didn't think anybody was trying to take away distinctions between genders. "Oh yes they are, a lot of them are,, like anybody who wants can just be a woman." she said. Then I personalized it, got pissed, thought she (unconsciously anyway) was talking about me, got irritated, said something about it being a good thing that transgender people had more freedom, etc. It didn't go well. She walked off.

After a half hour, we'd both cooled down, I asked her to talk, told I knew I got triggered because there is this "elephant in the room'" between us about my own gender issues that we don't talk about. I owned my being out of line in HOW I responed to her, and asked to share my feelings about my gender dysphoria. She listened, said she understood. I cried, told her how much I worried that she did not "love the whole me," said that I wanted her to accept me for all of me. She never said that she did. Later in the day we went for a walk during which she said that she understood how hard it is for me to "have this secret" that I can't tell anybody. I thanked her for that.

Since our little talk, though, she's been really cold. This morning I wrote her a long email telling her how I feared that it would set us back, that I felt scared, that I wanted reassurance from her. She got up, came gave me a kiss, said nothing about the email, did various tasks, was around the house for a couple hours, then had plans to go somewhere. Before she left I asked her if she read my email -- oh yes, she'd read it on the phone b4 she got out of bed -- but she said nothing about it Really weird, almost passive aggressive, but I'm making up that she is busy processing this herself -- and she's not ready to say anything. She heads out the door and I call her back to hug and kiss her good-bye.

I'm wishing I never said anything yesterday. Things were going so good. But, then, I do really, really want her to accept and love me for who I am Maybe it only works when we don't overtly acknowledge the elephant in the room. Thoughts? Feeling really vulnerable today, Nancy

Missouri Rep. Cleaver says his ‘A-woman’ prayer is misconstrued to stoke division​

Hi Nancy,
I'm pretty much in the same boat like you. If I make the slightest remark that maybe consider "feminine," she starts to get annoyed or stress...I can feel it, and it does make me sad. I know your hurt and pain when a wife doesn't accept you but then I change my prospective and the sadness is not for me, it's for her. She didn't know about my Gender Dysphoria I've had all my life, I didn't tell her, moreover like many who transition later in life thought it was over. So this past year I've been seeing a therapist to help me deal with a lot of childhood trauma that I believe has contributed to my GD. It has help tremendously in my over all well being but as for GD it's still there. Maybe a little less stronger but even that's hard to tell with the waves of GD coming back.

It's nice that your wife is ok with you wearing women's underwear, and she may never grow further then that but only time will tell. As in my wife, for her it is a deal breaker and she would divorce me. I've talked and chatted with a lot of Ciswomen who love our type. It defiantly take a different kind of ciswomen to love our type. I say different other then special because we are all special human beings, right?

In my experience when a ciswomen marries a "man" she becomes part of the man not the other way around. It's all a subconscious, DNA, natures female + male= happy female kind of thing. It's like 2+2=4...not 5. So all the conversations that me and my wife have had since me coming out to her, all go down the same road. Stress, anger, hurt....then the quiet. Few day's later we go again trying to make 2+2=5. I've come to the realization that if I want to have a healthy relationship with my wife I can not be my total self. Your wife maybe a little "different" like I said earlier and maybe like you said taking it real slow but only time will tell.

Another thing that's help me is to get involved in something that has nothing to do with your GD. I try to eat with a male friend of mine from time to time or go play tennis with another male friend. It helps take my mind of GD for a while and get some sun. :giggle:

God Bless you with a peaceful night,
Christina
 

NancyBalik

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 8, 2020
Messages
126
Christina, I so very much appreciate your thoughts -- and agree with much of what you say. I do better when I am busy with other things, so this Covid time, and winter (I live north) has been more difficult. Also, as we are older now, and retired, there is more free time. I do have a number of male friends (who have no idea and would be shocked), and I do have a variety of interests and activities. She is coming around some, if act just a couple days ago said she wanted to shop for new pj's and a robe and said, "I'll bet you'd love to go along --just so you could be in the women's department with me right?" I hugged her and said, "That is exactly the kind of thing that would make me feel like you understood, and that it wasn't too wierd for you that I just liked being with you in the women's department." She said, "We'll do it then." Bottom line, after all these years (more than 40, I want her to accept that this is part of me, and love me in spite of it -- love all of me. I think we're making some progress. I don't expect that she'll ever help me dress up or do makeup. The way I put it to her was to "accept that I am not like most men and that feminine things are really important to me -- including your femininity, but sometimes I like to feel feminine, too."

I hope you are able to make some inroads, too. Sounds like you are trying to suppress a lot. Not sure how that will work for you, or how long it will work. This, as you know, and your therapist likely knows, is a part of us that doesn't go away.
 

Confused

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 4, 2020
Messages
633
Gender Pronouns
He, Him, His, Himself
Gender Identity
Genderfluid
Hi Christina,

Welcome to the Refuge. I've been through something similar with my wife. We can all learn from each other.

Hugs,
Mike
 
Joined
Jul 28, 2020
Messages
11
Gender Pronouns
She, Her, Hers, Herself
Gender Identity
Female
Hi Nancy, love hearing about how your wife is excepting some of your femininity. I've been married 19 years, I'm 54 and she's 45, both Latinos so we both look ten years younger. Something about Latino skin stays young looking. I think she is much more ridged so I'm looking for any kind of help on what to do. I mean in a perfect world I would've transitioned in my 20's but I was so scare with all my religious upbringing. Oh by the way, the whole A-men and A-women...I thought it was funny cause Amen has nothing to do with gender. But kind of agree with your wife on that one, bringing politics into something so fragile can real divide people. It divide you and your wife for a moment. If your like me, I'm always like why did I say that hurtful thing.

Glad you and your wife are going to to shopping "like" women...that should be fun. Let me know what happen!
 

OzGirl

Global Moderator
Staff member
Joined
Dec 24, 2019
Messages
2,559
Gender Pronouns
She, Her, Hers, Herself
Gender Identity
Female
Hi Nancy, love hearing about how your wife is excepting some of your femininity. I've been married 19 years, I'm 54 and she's 45, both Latinos so we both look ten years younger. Something about Latino skin stays young looking. I think she is much more ridged so I'm looking for any kind of help on what to do. I mean in a perfect world I would've transitioned in my 20's but I was so scare with all my religious upbringing. Oh by the way, the whole A-men and A-women...I thought it was funny cause Amen has nothing to do with gender. But kind of agree with your wife on that one, bringing politics into something so fragile can real divide people. It divide you and your wife for a moment. If your like me, I'm always like why did I say that hurtful thing.

Glad you and your wife are going to to shopping "like" women...that should be fun. Let me know what happen!
Hi @Chrisitna, and it's so good to see you posting! I also have an unaccepting, now ex wife, but we still live together as friends. I know it's been really hard on her, but the thing that has kept us together is that she knows this is not my choice. She understands that this is a medical condition which affected our brains in utero, and like any other medical condition, it needs treatment. But she couldn't be married to a woman. So last April we divorced, but we knew we were still perfectly compatible, and neither of us wanted to live with anyone else. It seems to be working well, and last week she took me to my surgery, brought me home after it, and when helping me into my salt bath, she commented that I was really a girl now. So she has come a long way towards accepting me as a woman, but can never have an emotional relationship with me again.

Make sure your wife knows this is a medical condition, and definitely not your choice, and you may see a shift in her acceptance. I treasure marriages, and fought so hard to preserve mine, but I can live with the compromise we have. I wish you every success!

Hugs,

Allie
 
Joined
Jul 28, 2020
Messages
11
Gender Pronouns
She, Her, Hers, Herself
Gender Identity
Female
Hi @Chrisitna, and it's so good to see you posting! I also have an unaccepting, now ex wife, but we still live together as friends. I know it's been really hard on her, but the thing that has kept us together is that she knows this is not my choice. She understands that this is a medical condition which affected our brains in utero, and like any other medical condition, it needs treatment. But she couldn't be married to a woman. So last April we divorced, but we knew we were still perfectly compatible, and neither of us wanted to live with anyone else. It seems to be working well, and last week she took me to my surgery, brought me home after it, and when helping me into my salt bath, she commented that I was really a girl now. So she has come a long way towards accepting me as a woman, but can never have an emotional relationship with me again.

Make sure your wife knows this is a medical condition, and definitely not your choice, and you may see a shift in her acceptance. I treasure marriages, and fought so hard to preserve mine, but I can live with the compromise we have. I wish you every success!

Hugs,

Allie
Hi Allie,
Thanks for your comment and you're right about it being a medical condition. I'm so happy for you that your wife or x was able to convert your marriage into a girlfriend type friendship. I'm still trying to see if I can live as male and find some other avenue to express my femininity without transitioning. Still haven't found it yet but I'm hopeful so well see. As for my wife talking to her she believes it can be a medical condition leaning more into "phycological" condition then any. I agree with her for the most part but only because I has so much childhood trauma that that in it self could increase GD. I'm still going through therapy so I'm hopeful in finding some healthy way to live male or female or in between...we'll see

Thanks
Christina
 

OzGirl

Global Moderator
Staff member
Joined
Dec 24, 2019
Messages
2,559
Gender Pronouns
She, Her, Hers, Herself
Gender Identity
Female
Hi Allie,
Thanks for your comment and you're right about it being a medical condition. I'm so happy for you that your wife or x was able to convert your marriage into a girlfriend type friendship. I'm still trying to see if I can live as male and find some other avenue to express my femininity without transitioning. Still haven't found it yet but I'm hopeful so well see. As for my wife talking to her she believes it can be a medical condition leaning more into "phycological" condition then any. I agree with her for the most part but only because I has so much childhood trauma that that in it self could increase GD. I'm still going through therapy so I'm hopeful in finding some healthy way to live male or female or in between...we'll see

Thanks
Christina

Christina, my ex and I were best friends for more than a decade, and through 3 of her boyfriends, before we basically realised we were happy with each other. She had suggested a few time that I was gay as I liked domestic duties and was very sensitive. When the prospect of marriage was bought up, I told her I was trans, and she walked out on me. A couple of weeks later, she came back, saying she realised she loved me because of my female side, and we got married on the understanding I could dress at home, but if anyone found out, or I started HRT, she would leave.

We had an amazing 20 years, though, for much of that I could not have sex. I was happy being myself at home and a normal male life outside, and was determined to stay that way. My GD got worse and made me so sick, I had no choice but to transition, with her support. She still divorced me as she just couldn’t be married to a woman, but realised she still loved living with me, and it seems to be working 2 years in.

Some years ago, the relationship between childhood abuse and GD was debunked. Religions, and some psychologists still hang on to this concept as it retains the belief that GD can be cured psychologically. It simply can’t, as it is a medical condition. GD is stressful, and any other stressor, like abuse, can add to the stress level, but they are seperate things. PTSD from abuse can be treated and sometimes cured by psychology, but even if it is, the GD will remain. I learned the hard way that GD cannot be ignored and must be treated at some stage.

Hugs,

Allie
 

NancyBalik

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 8, 2020
Messages
126
I just wanted to share because this was really fun — for us both, and meant a lot to me. My wife followed up on her offer to have me accompany her to the mall to shop for new pj’s for her. We started at Macy’s, then Penny’s, taking our time, a lot of smiles and browsing and her asking me what I liked. We ended up at Soma. As we entered, she said, “We’re not in a hurry. Look at everything.” I stayed by her and the only SA in the store left us alone, stayed behind the counter. We were there for about 15 minutes, found delightful pj’s for my wife. She said, “I think these are very feminine, don’t you?” I loved that she asked me that, felt like her girlfriend. After she selected them, she asked if I had seen anything that I wanted for myself and told me to get something that I wanted. I smiled and thanked her for the offer, said something like that I see many things that I like, but that I already have so many panties and the only pj’s I really liked she’d already selected for herself. She said, “You sure?” I said maybe we can shop for me another time. This time is for you.

later I told her how much it meant to me. She did seem to understand. This may seem like a small step, but to me it was huge — for her to be playful and accepting that it was fun for me to shop for feminine things with her and for her to offer for me to get something feminine signaled a softening of her acceptance. When I told her later how important it was to me, she asked what I liked about our shopping trip. I told her that when I look for women’s clothes on my own that I always feel very nervous, like I am not supposed to be there— shopping with her felt like I had permission to be there, like she was “my guide.” She seemed to get that. And, more importantly, I told her that it felt like she was understanding and accepting “this” part of me.

We had a very special rest of the evening! I am still walking on clouds. Nancy
 

Monica

Fight for self love!
Joined
Feb 1, 2020
Messages
2,390
Gender Pronouns
She, Her, Hers, Herself
Gender Identity
Female
Oh Nancy, that is so cool! A good sign, for sure!
 

Confused

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 4, 2020
Messages
633
Gender Pronouns
He, Him, His, Himself
Gender Identity
Genderfluid
That is fantastic Nancy!

Hugs,
Mike
 

OzGirl

Global Moderator
Staff member
Joined
Dec 24, 2019
Messages
2,559
Gender Pronouns
She, Her, Hers, Herself
Gender Identity
Female
Nancy, this is a big step! Your wife actually enjoyed shopping with you, and indicated she would like to do it again, this time, for you! I have had this experience and know how it feels, savour it! She may have turned a corner, but she also may not have, just love this moment and hope for more!

I’m so happy for you!

Hugs,

Allie
 

NancyBalik

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 8, 2020
Messages
126
Nancy, this is a big step! Your wife actually enjoyed shopping with you, and indicated she would like to do it again, this time, for you!
Thanks Allie. I am hopeful, but I have been disappointed before. Somehow this seems different, though. So, what started as a "tiff" is turning out to be a good thing that we talked and that I opened a door that I thought was slammed shut forever ... maybe love does make a difference, after all :). Nancy
 

Confused

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 4, 2020
Messages
633
Gender Pronouns
He, Him, His, Himself
Gender Identity
Genderfluid
Thanks Allie. I am hopeful, but I have been disappointed before. Somehow this seems different, though. So, what started as a "tiff" is turning out to be a good thing that we talked and that I opened a door that I thought was slammed shut forever ... maybe love does make a difference, after all :). Nancy

Nancy, I know this is a non-transitioning forum, but we have discussed what I am doing. Since the beginning of this year, there have been a few points I wasn't sure my marriage could make it through this. It has been up and down a lot to the extremes. I have cried a lot. However, recently my wife seems to have reconciled most of it and the door I thought could never open has done something I didn't expect. I won't say there aren't limits, but love can sometimes find a way. I'm praying that is what has happened for you!

Hugs,
Mike.
 
En Femme 728 x 90
Top Bottom