NancyBalik
Well-known member
- Joined
- Jul 8, 2020
- Messages
- 113
My wife and I were virtually kids when we got married -- 22. I've written here before that I naively thought that my fascination with (and desire to wear) women's clothes would go away after I got married because back then I thought it was just a sexual thing and I figured I'd be getting a lot of sex (and I did for awhile
). And, pre-internet, etc., I had no idea about gender dysphoria, transgender, etc.
Anyway, with that brief background, this thing about my "gender issue" has always been a difficult issue and difficult topic in our marriage. Obviously she knows that I under-dress (pretty obvious, I don't try to hide it), and she sees my femme clothes hanging in the closet, but she does not want to see me in them (other than in underwear which she has gotten used to). We just don't talk about it much. When we last did, it resulted in a long period of emotional distancing (from us both because I was very hurt).
Anyway, we've been getting along great. Having fun together, been romantic and sexual, worked on projects together etc., etc. I've been telling her how happy I am -- she's said the same. Then yesterday morning she made a comment related to this prayer thing in Congress about a congressmen (I've now read about it and found out he is a pastor, actually, and was trying to honor all of the female congresswomen and it had nothing to do with gender) ended a prayer by saying Amen and A-woman. My wife said something about how some of these politicians just want there to be no distinction between men and women, anybody can be anybody.
I should have kept my mouth shut, but I asked what she was talking about and she told me about the A-woman, and I said, that sounded unfortunate, but I didn't think anybody was trying to take away distinctions between genders. "Oh yes they are, a lot of them are,, like anybody who wants can just be a woman." she said. Then I personalized it, got pissed, thought she (unconsciously anyway) was talking about me, got irritated, said something about it being a good thing that transgender people had more freedom, etc. It didn't go well. She walked off.
After a half hour, we'd both cooled down, I asked her to talk, told I knew I got triggered because there is this "elephant in the room'" between us about my own gender issues that we don't talk about. I owned my being out of line in HOW I responed to her, and asked to share my feelings about my gender dysphoria. She listened, said she understood. I cried, told her how much I worried that she did not "love the whole me," said that I wanted her to accept me for all of me. She never said that she did. Later in the day we went for a walk during which she said that she understood how hard it is for me to "have this secret" that I can't tell anybody. I thanked her for that.
Since our little talk, though, she's been really cold. This morning I wrote her a long email telling her how I feared that it would set us back, that I felt scared, that I wanted reassurance from her. She got up, came gave me a kiss, said nothing about the email, did various tasks, was around the house for a couple hours, then had plans to go somewhere. Before she left I asked her if she read my email -- oh yes, she'd read it on the phone b4 she got out of bed -- but she said nothing about it Really weird, almost passive aggressive, but I'm making up that she is busy processing this herself -- and she's not ready to say anything. She heads out the door and I call her back to hug and kiss her good-bye.
I'm wishing I never said anything yesterday. Things were going so good. But, then, I do really, really want her to accept and love me for who I am Maybe it only works when we don't overtly acknowledge the elephant in the room. Thoughts? Feeling really vulnerable today, Nancy
Anyway, with that brief background, this thing about my "gender issue" has always been a difficult issue and difficult topic in our marriage. Obviously she knows that I under-dress (pretty obvious, I don't try to hide it), and she sees my femme clothes hanging in the closet, but she does not want to see me in them (other than in underwear which she has gotten used to). We just don't talk about it much. When we last did, it resulted in a long period of emotional distancing (from us both because I was very hurt).
Anyway, we've been getting along great. Having fun together, been romantic and sexual, worked on projects together etc., etc. I've been telling her how happy I am -- she's said the same. Then yesterday morning she made a comment related to this prayer thing in Congress about a congressmen (I've now read about it and found out he is a pastor, actually, and was trying to honor all of the female congresswomen and it had nothing to do with gender) ended a prayer by saying Amen and A-woman. My wife said something about how some of these politicians just want there to be no distinction between men and women, anybody can be anybody.
I should have kept my mouth shut, but I asked what she was talking about and she told me about the A-woman, and I said, that sounded unfortunate, but I didn't think anybody was trying to take away distinctions between genders. "Oh yes they are, a lot of them are,, like anybody who wants can just be a woman." she said. Then I personalized it, got pissed, thought she (unconsciously anyway) was talking about me, got irritated, said something about it being a good thing that transgender people had more freedom, etc. It didn't go well. She walked off.
After a half hour, we'd both cooled down, I asked her to talk, told I knew I got triggered because there is this "elephant in the room'" between us about my own gender issues that we don't talk about. I owned my being out of line in HOW I responed to her, and asked to share my feelings about my gender dysphoria. She listened, said she understood. I cried, told her how much I worried that she did not "love the whole me," said that I wanted her to accept me for all of me. She never said that she did. Later in the day we went for a walk during which she said that she understood how hard it is for me to "have this secret" that I can't tell anybody. I thanked her for that.
Since our little talk, though, she's been really cold. This morning I wrote her a long email telling her how I feared that it would set us back, that I felt scared, that I wanted reassurance from her. She got up, came gave me a kiss, said nothing about the email, did various tasks, was around the house for a couple hours, then had plans to go somewhere. Before she left I asked her if she read my email -- oh yes, she'd read it on the phone b4 she got out of bed -- but she said nothing about it Really weird, almost passive aggressive, but I'm making up that she is busy processing this herself -- and she's not ready to say anything. She heads out the door and I call her back to hug and kiss her good-bye.
I'm wishing I never said anything yesterday. Things were going so good. But, then, I do really, really want her to accept and love me for who I am Maybe it only works when we don't overtly acknowledge the elephant in the room. Thoughts? Feeling really vulnerable today, Nancy