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Maddie

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Joined
Feb 9, 2020
Messages
556
Seperating from who I am. Without murder.
Or I won't make it.
It's not "just" the trans thing....or perhaps it's just that this illness is different for everyone.
I've done what I can to revive the old family thing. Thinking of it as a way to close that book.
But it's a kind of torture. To continue the connection is to write myself out of the book of life.
If I'm alive (not sure that I am) then the book is still being written. Begging the Lord to write me back in all the pages I was taken out of.
Refuse to live trapped as an open sore pillar of shame
Some sadist's reserve battery
Respect and do not even think you can tread on this animal.
 

Maddie

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 9, 2020
Messages
556
Today I am cultivating the inside. Namely me and the inner source.
Without it there is nothing outside in this world worth living for.
Not one thing.
 

Maddie

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Joined
Feb 9, 2020
Messages
556
Starting to see little green tomatoes

Casting seeds elsewhere, in all directions, like fishing nets.
Exploring options and opinions.
I will not neglect what sprouts before me (...though I weed through it.)
Bloom where I am planted.
Bloom where I am transplanted.
Blooming mostly
👌
 

Maddie

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 9, 2020
Messages
556
Spending time with a young man. Progressing daily. It's all new but so far I'm like a duck in water

Women are talking with me more about sex now. Telling me about them and their boyfriends etc.

Head up moving forward
 

TonyaJanelle

Ubiquitous Moderator she/her/hers
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Joined
Dec 23, 2019
Messages
2,063
Gender Pronouns
She, Her, Hers, Herself
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Female
Spending time with a young man. Progressing daily. It's all new but so far I'm like a duck in water

Women are talking with me more about sex now. Telling me about them and their boyfriends etc.

Head up moving forward

Moving forward indeed.

Was rereading this thread a bit. Check with @Emma , she's a Gast Girl also.
 

Maddie

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Joined
Feb 9, 2020
Messages
556
I will have to ask Emma. I thought her GCS was years ago and that her BA was with Dr Gast. Tonya you are with Dr Gast now. Emna said you were in very capable hands. Hope every day for you is confirmation of this.

Emma also posted this last week about Alabama clinic doing peritoneal pull through vaginoplasty. Sounds like that's where she'd go.. If so maybe I should skip years of revisions and work my way straight for that.

Part of me believes that I don't deserve GCS or other transition surgeries unlrss I'm desiteable enough that someone wants to pay for it. Historically Dr Burou started doing sex changes in Casablanca and initially only accepted candidates who already passed the bill. I want to deserve it because I cannot pay for it.

I'm even enjoying the disrespect that comes with this territory. My worst day now is better
 
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Kimdl93

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Joined
Jul 11, 2020
Messages
67
I know a number of people that spout statements that are, to put it kindly, not based on verifiable information. Helping him pack, showing tolerance for his opinions and being only on the path towards becoming an abomination? As in, you’re not bad...for an abomination?
 

Maddie

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 9, 2020
Messages
556
Oh you mean Dick :)
Haven't been in touch with him since that day he said that.
I don't hold it against him, as he actually is old school, but he won't get closer to me saying things like that
 

Maddie

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Joined
Feb 9, 2020
Messages
556
Referred to and applied for latest job. Entails serving food and beverages to plastic surgeons and other millionaires....alongside twenty-something girl servers...
What could go wrong?IMG_20200714_133038010.jpg
 

Marie62

Speak less to say more ...
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Jun 11, 2020
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988
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What could go wrong?
... if you can manage to tame your hair to behave, then nothing! - Might be a challenge, though ... ;)
 

Marie62

Speak less to say more ...
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Jun 11, 2020
Messages
988
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Lest I forget, I love your hair and I wish I had hair like that! No curls on me, at least not up there. Are all those for real, i.e. naturally so, or do you have to get up "late at night" to get them into shape for the next morning? :p
 

Maddie

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Joined
Feb 9, 2020
Messages
556
Thank you Marie!
Yes and yes. It's natural, but requires some attention...
Lately i'm into the Curly Girl Hair Method for "transitioning" back to natural curls :)
Mine used to be crayzee - barely fit in the car

 

Maddie

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Joined
Feb 9, 2020
Messages
556
Gena Marie is my guru
For any other lucky curly heads out there
 
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TonyaJanelle

Ubiquitous Moderator she/her/hers
Staff member
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Dec 23, 2019
Messages
2,063
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She, Her, Hers, Herself
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Female
Referred to and applied for latest job. Entails serving food and beverages to plastic surgeons and other millionaires....alongside twenty-something girl servers...
What could go wrong?View attachment 503
Awesome. Good luck!
 

Maddie

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Joined
Feb 9, 2020
Messages
556
Thank you Tonya! Luck needed, plus I already have some


Either I'm acting more natural, or
it's the BB cream..
 

Randi

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Apr 26, 2020
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Nice pix Maddie! Love the smile. Knock 'em dead on the job.
 

Maddie

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 9, 2020
Messages
556
I used to slam my head into things. A lot.
Grateful I wasn't brain damaged, but you know what? I'm not sure. It could explain why I lag behind in life and struggle with many adult things.
Hadn't done it in years, but this morning I was slamming my head into the wall. Sideways. Trying to crack the egg and get out of this shell.
My angels are crying even if I can't hear them.

If I get put back on psych meds I will want to die so much more. You have no idea what I went through and for how long to get free. And start transitioning.

I cannot live with my changed name. It was simply the last one on the list when my court date came to file the paperwork. My first name is Gitana, which had meaning because I was Tom which came from Gaetianno in my family.. I thought for some reason it would make my parents happy, they could still call me Tommy and everyone else could call me Tana (rhymes with Donna). But they did not become happy, and I can't stand explaining my name anymore. I had sooooo many name ideas, many of them were simple because I wanted to avoid this very thing!!!!!!!. I didn't go with Maddie because some p hieople were calling me Matt by mistake. I changed my passport too and that took many months.

I stopped losing weight back in January. I was within 5lbs of my final goal of 162 (I'm 5'10" this is not unreasonable, in fact I was a roofer at 135/140- they gave so much crap on that job for being pretty and I didn't even get to enjoy it then .) I am now almost 20lbs above that goal of 162 But I have not cheated on my diet, I watch my calories between 1500-1800 and keep my eating within a 6-7 hour window each day. I don't eat anything heavy after midday.. I drink plenty water and apple cider vinegar and exercise even more than I was when I lost 40lbs last year. Been running up to 5 miles a day. I do other exercise regularly and stretch breathe and meditate. Only eat carbs early and always healthy ones and not too much. No eating late, no white sugar,. No flour, no fried, limited fruit, etc.

If I don't break out if this hell before I crack the egg
 
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