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f_p_m

Member
Joined
Dec 25, 2019
Messages
9
F_p_M here, or Ryan if you prefer.

I'm likely to end up the resident tmi dude because I have terrible filters. Ahem.

I've rehashed my coming out multiple times recently so i'm not sure I have the energy to do it all again but suffice to say, at 34 I realised all those years i'd described myself as "a guy in a female body" was more than just a joke and no, puberty wasn't supposed to be traumatic and most people didn't have dressing up days where they'd "dress in drag".

After years of feeling literally poisoned by my naturally produced hormones I finally started T in November 2019 and wouldn't you know it, saw a rapid decrease in the physical pain I was in.
I had been suffering for a very long time from not just psychological but physical symptoms as well. Headaches, nausea, hot and cold flushes, shooting pains in my limbs, migraines with and without aura, acute depression and body dysmorphia and dysphoria, chest pains, breast pain so bad I couldn't undress without sobbing, wildly unstable emotions and mood swings, idiopathic edema and crippling non menstrual cramping that would leave me gasping for breath.

All while having "normal" level hormones supposedly. (only the cramps ever got explained as being adenomyosis which is a nasty condition but literally ONLY explained that aspect)

After decades of trying to manage all this and get answers it would seem the solution really was quite simple. My body didn't work because it wasn't supposed to be built this way.

I was extraordinarily ill because my body was swimming in a hormone it couldn't handle and craving one it couldn't produce in sufficient quantity.

I'll probably never really know WHY but oh well, at least i'm not in pain 3 out of every 4 weeks of my life now.

and those around me have seen a marked change in my mental health and mood as well, which is nice.

I'm married with three kids, I collect toys and dolls and I roleplay (like D&D and stuff).

I have no idea if i'm a trans guy or more non binary transmasculine but frankly I don't much care, whatever, it's just a label and ultimately i'm ME and that's what's most important. Being healthy, being well, being able to look at myself in a mirror and recognise the face looking back and not just recoil are my goals. I want to feel ownership of this skin, not like an unwilling passenger in a decaying husk that's falling apart around me. Sadly that's precisely how i've felt for the past two decades, like a literal zombie.

I have a long road ahead, let's see what happens.
 

Katie

Administrator
Staff member
Joined
Dec 10, 2019
Messages
2,901
Gender Pronouns
She, Her, Hers, Herself
Gender Identity
Female
Hi, Ryan! I'm glad that you and your lack of tmi filters joined us! Merry Christmas!
 

Linde

Adminstrator
Staff member
Joined
Dec 10, 2019
Messages
5,261
Gender Pronouns
She, Her, Hers, Herself
Gender Identity
Intersex
Hello Ryan
Great to hear from you again, and even better, to hear from you while you feel way better!  I hope it will get better and better with you, and I also hope we here can help you a little on your path!
I wish you a Merry Christmas
Linde
 

Lexxi

Moderator
Staff member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
1,211
Gender Pronouns
She, Her, Hers, Herself
Gender Identity
Female
Hi Ryan,

You must have gotten the email I sent to you. I was kinda scared to do that, but I knew I wanted to invite you to the new site, and it was the only way I could think to reach you. I'm so, so, glad that your T has made you feel so much better. As a MtF myself I know that when I take estrogen it drops my T level way down. Will your estrogen level drop because of the high T? If so, is it a drastic drop, or just a small amount? I've been kinda wondering about that.

I hope you and your family have had wonderful Christmas and that Father Christmas was good to you all. I would imagine that there was a lot of wonder going on in your house, especially with your little ones. I just love seeing the magic in a kid's eyes at Christmas.

I'll talk to ya later. I'm really glad you tried out this new site, and I hope you'll find a happy home here.

xoxo
Lexxi
 
En Femme 728 x 90
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