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The transgender dysphoria blues. Do they ever go away completely?

OzGirl

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Tonya just posted this in another thread, but I thought it was a topic which pretty much affects everyone, so the question deserved a thread of its own!

Dysphoria is my arch enemy as it can make me so sick, and my biggest fear is that on completing transition, I may still have dysphoria. Has anyone actually rid themselves of dysphoria long term??

Hugs,

Allie
 

TonyaJanelle

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Maybe those that have tend to be the ones that stop hanging out on forums if they feel transition is finished
 

KathyLauren

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Gotten rid of it completely? No. I have got it down to background noise now, but I think there will always be a little bit left. If nothing else, there will always be that missing girlhood that can never be addressed without a time machine. If I can lose 15 pounds, my body will pass for female, but it will be a chunky masculine female. There's not much I can do about my bone structure.

And, right now, I have a lot of post-surgical discomfort in my clitoris that makes me much more aware of my penis than I was when I actually had it. I never expected that bit of dysphoria!

But that is, like I said, background noise. I love being me, and interacting with people as a woman. There is nothing that can detract from the euphoria of getting to be myself.
 

TonyaJanelle

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that missing girlhood
That's the one that's getting to me lately. Usually I can put it aside by knowing that if I'd had it, I would never have met my wife and had my children and grandson.
And, right now, I have a lot of post-surgical discomfort in my clitoris that makes me much more aware of my penis than I was when I actually had it. I never expected that bit of dysphoria!
I feel for you there. I've had a bit of that so know what you're talking about but no where close to what you describe.
 

pamelatransuk

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Thank you Allie for a really worthwhile thread.

I would expect the euphoria which I gained on going fulltime in June 2019 would increase after surgery. However I accept problems can happen with surgery.

My worry is the Memory Banks. I am not one for dwelling on misfortunes or on past events in general but I suspect I may at times be bothered by bad memories both major and minor which happened during 64 years of bring bodily masculine before fulltime. I shall only be able to judge the severity of this perhaps a year or so after surgery meaning 2022.

Hugs

Pamela xx
 

Linde

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As I wrote in another response, I have zero dysphoria currently, living with Sandy.
I never had a lot of dysphoria, and there is only some mild genital dysphotia left. It is more a visually triggered dysphoria than anything else. When I see my naked body in the mirror, it looks wrong, having some kind of skin tab instead of a vulva.
Otherwise I have no triggers currently, I can wear any kind of female clothing, including very tight yoga pants, and my boobs are pretty okay, too.

I hope that the last bit of genital dysphoria goes away with the SRS, and I can live my life as a normal older woman.

Hugs
Linde
 

Moni

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Great thread Allie and Tonya!

So much depends on the circumstances one faces and the attitude one can employ to deal with those circumstances. My circumstances have been very lucky. My attitude is believing in positivity and attempting to discipline myself to avoid trouble areas. Do I have some remaining? Well, it's 98% gone, but some remains. The majority of that surrounds vocal issues. The rest is what I missed out on in younger years. The discipline I need is to continue to improve myself and not allow myself too much time thinking about things I missed. I do spend some time enjoying being trans, the flip side of the dysphoria. There are times that it makes me feel unique, proud to be different, and like, "In your face" to the bigots of the world. (All these things are being tested with me with sexual orientation change, so it is a challenge applying these thoughts to that.)

So, I definitely want to be a positive voice for successfully overcoming dysphoria, but I am very mindful of those struggling tremendously with it. Be hopeful, be positive, keep your mind open to changing what is ingrained over the years. If you keep saying you can't, you probably won't!!!!
 

Michelle_P

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Like @Moni I would have to say that post-transition it is almost all gone. There are still a few triggers that can bring it back, mostly PTSD related things from my youth.

Laurie and I were watching a TV show last night, and there was something off-screen that produced a high-pitched metallic *TINK* *TINK* *TINK* sound. I think I said something like “I know that sound...”, and the shakes started. Yah. Sure enough, they cut to a bone hammer and orbitoclast, tools I was threatened with at 16 years if I didn’t cooperate with the folks intent on “fixing” me. I think I scared Laurie a little bit, but I settled down quickly.

Stuff like this throws me back to the worst parts of my life, complete with dysphoria. I’m learning to process it out, set it aside as part of the dead past, and not current to my life now.
 

OzGirl

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Some great responses which have meant so much to me. I have a fundamental need to be a cis woman, not just physically, but with all the memories of being a cis child, and growing up to motherhood and beyond. I know that can never happen, but it makes my current situation a compromise I am not satisfied with. As such, I can never reach my goal, and I’ve often thought I will go as far as I can with transition, but still have significant dysphoria as I haven’t satisfied my fundamental need. I thought this was peculiar to me, but I now know others have feelings of a lost cis life, and I don’t feel so alien.

My dysphoria is currently at a liveable level, and I am looking forward to reducing it to background noise, but I doubt I will ever eliminate it. As many of you know, when my dysphoria increases, I get physically sick. This hasn’t happened for over 6 months, but I have had other attacks of depression. This happens when I take a hard look at myself, and I hate what I see. It makes me super tired and I just cry for days and wish I could go back to happier days a few years ago. But when this happens, I don’t get physically sick, so I didn’t class it as dysphoria. After reading your resposes, I think it may be. A different type of dysphoria, but dysphoria just the same. When I get sick it is related to my hormone levels, so is esily fixed, but this other dysphoria has no solution, and all I can do is to distract myself from introspection, and concentrate on something else. I have 3 cute as anything grandsons who can do this for me.

I have gotten so much out of this thread, and thank everybody for contributing.

Hugs,

Allie
 

Moni

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Laurie and I were watching a TV show last night, and there was something off-screen that produced a high-pitched metallic *TINK* *TINK* *TINK* sound. I think I said something like “I know that sound...”, and the shakes started. Yah. Sure enough, they cut to a bone hammer and orbitoclast, tools I was threatened with at 16 years if I didn’t cooperate with the folks intent on “fixing” me. I think I scared Laurie a little bit, but I settled down quickly.
How awful you went through this.
 

OzGirl

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Yes, @Michelle_P I agree with Moni, that experience would have been awful, and the perpetrators inhuman. I hope you never have those triggers again.

Hugs,

Allie
 

KimOct

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Great topic Allie. I hope it becomes a thread with a life of its own because there are so many tangents.

For me I fear the answer is no I won't get over it. I keep fighting the fight but run into so many conflicts.

For me primarily it is physical dysphoria both body and face. At this point the prospect of surgery is low. I had an orchie so it 'qualifies' as GCS but the world sees me as male. Giant body - masculine face and I know it.

I continually tell myself that appearance is not what makes a woman but when the rest of the world thinks so it is hard to convince yourself.
 

KimOct

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BTW the song that @TonyaJanelle borrowed the name from is by a group called Against Me. The lead vocalist is a transgender woman named Laura Jane Grace who IMO is one of our community's greatest spokespeople. Plus she covered one of my favorite gender songs 'Androgynous" with Miley Cyrus and Joan Jett. I have posted it on the forum before.

Laura Jane Grace rocks.
 

Linde

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Yes Allie, I do also feel absolutely cheated (by some biased docs) from my life growing up as a female. Of I would have been born these days, I very likely would have been gendered female.
But if I would have been female, I would never have been married to my wife, and would have missed out on 36 wonderful years with her.
I can't turn time back and live my current life as good as I can. I feel like a cis woman among cis women.
I am a happy woman, and are still out on adventures.
I bet there are not many women, who are almost 78 years old still driving (and living in it) across the US in a slightly modified van, and loving it.

Hugs
Linde
 

OzGirl

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Yes Allie, I do also feel absolutely cheated (by some biased docs) from my life growing up as a female. Of I would have been born these days, I very likely would have been gendered female.
But if I would have been female, I would never have been married to my wife, and would have missed out on 36 wonderful years with her.
I can't turn time back and live my current life as good as I can. I feel like a cis woman among cis women.
I am a happy woman, and are still out on adventures.
I bet there are not many women, who are almost 78 years old still driving (and living in it) across the US in a slightly modified van, and loving it.

Hugs
Linde
Linde, for me, this isn't about preferring one life or another, but the ability to accept the life I am living. You have found your goal, but mine is unattainable. Dysphoria is the manifestation of the incongruence with your identity. My identity is that of a cis female, and no amount of hormones and surgeries can get me there, so I will always suffer that incongruence, and thus, Dysphoria. It wouldn't matter if my transition made me into a beauty queen, I would still be disappointed. Having no goal to attain makes it hard for me to press forward with often painful and expensive procedures, and I don't do so to arrive at anywhere, but just to reduce my dysphoria. This is why a full depth vaginoplasty would not make me feel complete, but I have to remove the offensive tissue which causes me dysphoria.

We all come from different places, and we are all going to different places, and that is why I can't use my experience to advise others, as their journey is different to mine.

Hugs,

Allie
 

SassyCassie

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We all come from different places, and we are all going to different places, and that is why I can't use my experience to advise others, as their journey is different to mine.

We start out realizing how many similarities we have but as we move forward, our differences come more and more into focus as we realize exactly who we are and what we ultimately want.
 

NicoleT

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I knew the second time you posted that it had legs to run..... Trans gender dysphoria oh my old nemesis. Before I started to become my true self it literally gave me anxiety attacks that would stop me cold for an hour at a time.

Now since I’ve let that side of me out it creeps in from time to time as I look in the mirror. Some days I just seen Nicole and I’m happy and feel good. Other days I see a man in make up. You get that churning in the pit of your stomach.......... It can just mess with you.

I Think it’s great that we can just admit this to ourselves.....get over it and Move On, that’s why were all here to support each other.

Hugs 🤗
to all suffering with the blues

Nicole

(@KimOct ....yup Laura Jane Grace does rock)
 

OzGirl

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Nothing in my life ever stopped me, no amount of pain or grief, or impossible challenges. I found out late last year my right ankle had been badly broken in my late teens, and my doctor could not believe I had never gotten it treated. He said the pain must have been excruciating for months, and I said it was just pain, no big deal.

Then my dysphoria increased, and I fought it believing nothing had ever beaten me. After relentless months of pain and illness, with my mind totally screwed up, and everybody around me, including my doctors, fearing I was near the end, I had to admit defeat for the first time in my life. After a short period of feeling ok, I tried to resist my HRT, and dysphoria quickly brought me to my knees again. It was probably the toughest thing in my life to accept I could not defeat dysphoria, and it has become my nemisis and number one fear. For the first time, I was not in control of my life, and for me, this was extremely hard to take.

I had known dysphoria since I was 4 years old, and had believed through my live I was managing it, that I had control, and was still able to make decisions about where my life was going. I guess this is where most trans people are, believing they have some control and ‘choices’. I was to find out that if I didn’t make the ‘choices’ dysphoria wanted, it would eventually take control. So now, and completely against my choice, I have to do whatever dysphoria needs, including completely changing my body. I live in fear of dysphoria, and blindly hope that by complying, I might reduce it’s affect on my life.

Hugs,

Allie
 

Ava_Marie

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Does the dysphoria ever go away completely, not sure, but three years in I hardly notice it most days. Reminders of my past sometimes trigger anxiety or fear but no more than what I feel from the normal trials of life. Most importantly to paralyzing anxiety, depression, and fear that left soon after I started medical transition has never returned to darken my life. Things do get me down (having down days in part of life), The COVID-19 drama here in the US has taken a toll on us all with isolation, uncertainty, and delays in obtaining care but I would rather be where I am today than where I was back in early 2017.
 
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