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KimOct

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Hi I think it's time I invade this space. I came out of the closet in 2016. It seems like a lifetime ago and in some ways it was. When I first came out I was on a very different site. Not the one where many of us met but a different one. At that time I was scared and very impressionable. But in other ways I was like a teenager. I thought I had it all figured out. I was going to have FFS (facial feminization surgery ) breast augmentation and vaginoplasty.

Well things did not go as planned but I learned a lot. I am legally female but as for surgeries I have only had an orchiectomy. In short I do not pass. But the different path that life had in store for my transition taught me a lot. Living as openly transgender.

Back to those early supporters. They asked me lots of tough questions and made me think deeply about what caused my fear and embarrassment. The tough questions, tough love and challenges to my preconceived notions are what made it possible for me to transition.

I in turn have spent the past 3 years paying the help I received forward. So you lucky reader :LOL: will be subjected to ( oops I mean benefit ) LOL from my pain in the ass questions, suggestions and opinions as I begin to hang around this forum.

My style of support may not be for everyone but it is what helped me. If I ever make you feel bad or you disagree rest assured I am happy to engage in meaningful discussions without getting upset. My goal is always to help people to find their own happiness whatever that may be.
 

Linde

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You all read what Kim wrote. Moni and I came out at about the same time as Kim did. I was on on Reddit at that time, and they helped me to understand what was going on.
My entire experience was/is very different from that of Kim, and I bet that the experience of Moni was different from either of us.
But together, we all can help you to gain your own experience.
One of the reason that Katie and I created this forum, was to help each other, and give all of us a platform to reach out and help each other.


Hugs
Linde
 

KimOct

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So I want to throw this out there and will come back to comment. I am doing my nails. LOL but really.

Anyway I posted this a few minutes ago elsewhere for someone that many of you know. I am deleting the name but yeah about 10 of you know who it is. But that doesn't really matter. The point is many people struggle for so long before coming out. I am one of those people. If this sounds like you then we need to sit down for a chat.

Hi Exxx I selected just two of your comments to illustrate my points.

Being your authentic self is not a very selfish need. It is living in truth.

Continuing to process, churn, cry and hope. Are you living your best life? Obviously not.

Exxx if I was hypothetically taking wagers I would say that you never transition. However it is not a clear cut nor obvious conclusion. I would put the odds at 60% you don't and 40% that you do.

There are a few things I have said all along.

1. This does not have to be a binary all or nothing decision. You are making it be one.
2. Living in this limbo does not enhance the happiness in your life or your wife's.
3. Any path you choose will not be as bad as you fear.

The problem does not lie in the fact that you post your pain and struggle. If people were not interested they would stop reading. I still check in weekly because I care about you. I check in because I want to not because I have to. So the sharing of your feelings is not the problem.

The problem is the lack of action. The endless rumination. Let's say you had a client. You spent several years recommending courses of action for them. Some more aggressive and others not as much. But this client sat still, did nothing, took no action and merely churned endlessly about the negatives of each choice.

Your frustration with this client would be through the roof. I am certain you would tell this client that sitting on the sidelines is accomplishing nothing. Choose a path. Then if things don't go as planned deal with it then. But choosing no path is in fact a choice. A choice to stay where you are.

Exxx - life's clock keeps ticking. Make a choice. I continue to say it is not A or B it is ABCDEFG. You are only considering A and B. And if you only want to choose A or B then choose A or B.

Either one is OK and you will be OK and your friends here and in person will still love you.
 

OzGirl

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Kim, I checked in on this person’s thread recently, and saw the drama is continuing as it has for years. I could see the frustration of others who are trying to help her through this self imposed agony, especially in a post from and old and creaky person, who just said, if transition is so painful to you, then don’t do it! We all know she can’t stop, she has been on hormones for 3 years and is almost fully developed. The thousands of agonising posts are her way of delaying completing her transition until her son can take over her business. What I don’t like about this tactic is that it causes pain to the many who truly want to help her, so I have stayed away.

It is a never ending drama, and reminds me of the old tv soaps.

Hugs,

Allie

 

Linde

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The thousands of agonising posts are her way of delaying completing her transition until her son can take over her business. What I don’t like about this tactic is that it causes pain to the many who truly want to help her, so I have stayed away.

It is a never ending drama, and reminds me of the old tv soaps.

Hugs,

Allie
Allie, this s exactly the reason why i don't even like to look there anymore! I think it is about 3 years now that it is going on like this.

HUgs
Linde
 

KimOct

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I have been very close many times to completely walking away. One time I was treated rudely and @Moni leapt to my defense like the good friend that she is. I forgave E - Moni never did. Rightly so. I am stupid.

Although E has issues her story is illustrative for others here that may be reading but not post.

There are always rationalizations about why not to do something that we fear. I did it myself for a long time. The way to overcome the fear is to truly understand what causes that fear. It is a fear of looking ridiculous - a fear of loss of love or friendship - a fear of losing many things. But primarily it is a fear of what others will think.

And that fear is due to the fact that we think the same thing ourselves. We think it is something to be ashamed of when it is not.
Until we can un-learn what we have been taught - that this is something to be ashamed of we cannot overcome the fear and that is what keeps many of us frozen in place. And continuing to agonize and make excuses ( oh I mean reasons. lol )
 

KimOct

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A side note to brag. :rolleyes::ROFLMAO: I really should work at a nail salon.
Check out my handiwork. Get it ...... handiwork. I am hilarious - to myself.

 

TonyaJanelle

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Nice. Can you do your toes like that?
 

Monica

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Kim, you have more patience than I will ever have.

With nails and people!
 

TonyaJanelle

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You mean all NINE or them? :ROFLMAO: How did @Moni miss that shot? I keep my feet hidden. 9 1/4 toes and ingrown toenails on my big toes. Nobody needs to see that. YIKES.
Figured it'd be easier.
Nasty toe nails is all the more reason to paint them. Probably not like you did your fingers though. Which seriously do look very nice.
 

KimOct

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I am watching TV and at the moment watching reruns of 'Two and a half men'. Yes Charlie is a pig but to me it is laughing at him not with him. Anyway there was a scene where he is talking about meeting a beautiful woman with an Adam's Apple. You can guess where the humor goes from there.

I talk a lot about internalized transphobia and I am going to focus on this more in this 'soapbox' thread.

I couldn't find a YouTube clip of that scene but they are endless. I have seen them in my favorite shows many times. The Big Bang, Two and a half men and nearly all sitcoms. Here's one from Friends at minute 7:32 but they are ubiquitous.
 

KimOct

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The point of discussing this is not to say..... 'oh poor us, we are all victims'. Rather it is to understand how and why we have been conditioned through the course of our lives to think we are something to be laughed at. To be ashamed. How can we not when we are constantly told we are someone to be laughed at?

But there is nothing wrong with US. It is like many other backwards ways of thinking over the decades and centuries.

Gay people are sick.
Black people are inferior.
Trans people are a joke.
Etc
Etc

It is not us that is messed up it is a society that is slowly evolving.
 

Monica

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he is talking about meeting a beautiful woman with an Adam's Apple. You can guess where the humor goes from there.
I have a question. Anyone see that in a show recently, in the last two years or so?

Kim you are 100% correct, society is sick.
 

KimOct

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Here's another from Big Bang but it is ENDLESS. This just happened to pop in my mind but it is far from the worst.

 

KimOct

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I have a question. Anyone see that in a show recently, in the last two years or so?

Kim you are 100% correct, society is sick.

The Big Bang one is from 3 years ago. Many many are the last 10 years. Probably starting to fade but they have been around since before Milton Berle. It is going to take decades for the lessons learned to fade.
 

TonyaJanelle

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Linde

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The Big Bang one is from 3 years ago. Many many are the last 10 years. Probably starting to fade but they have been around since before Milton Berle. It is going to take decades for the lessons learned to fade.
I am a fan of big bang, and I cannot see anything wrong in this scene. That was not done to make fun of trans people, but to make fun of himself to get Penny to laugh.

Hugs
Linde
 

KimOct

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I am a fan of big bang, and I cannot see anything wrong in this scene. That was not done to make fun of trans people, but to make fun of himself to get Penny to laugh.

Hugs
Linde

Maybe that wasn't the best example but it popped in my mind. But Penny's reaction was some disgust. I love Big Bang and don't hold it against the writers or actors. Rather it is an example of what people sadly find funny and guys wearing women's stuff is still considered funny. Fortunately is just beginning to change.

There have been many episodes on that show that joke about Raj being a girl. When they went to a costume party everyone thought it was funny that Raj would be Wonder Woman. Anyway I am going on a tangent...... Not the best example with Leonard in a tutu but it still was supposed to be funny that he was wearing one. There are hundreds of more examples in comedy.

Geez this is a terrible post. LOL Anyway.... it is a common theme they we are taught that we are to be laughed at and that is why we are embarrassed and hide. Guess I could have just posted that last sentence. :ROFLMAO:
 
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