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Mim89

It's a boy!
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I did it. I told the most important person in my life that I'm trans. Well, not exactly. I didn't tell him that I'm trans, but that I "don't feel like a female but rather like a male". I don't know why, but I wasn't able to mention the word "trans". As if I would burn my mouth if I expressed the word. But I think, he understood anyway.

The person I'm talking about is my ex-fiancé, who is still my best friend. And it is such a relief that he finally knows what I'm going through, and that I don't have to hide it from him any longer. My new reality of being a trans guy has been on my mind 24/7 during the last three weeks (and I knew that I'm not a cis woman since 2017). And it was so hard to keep my mouth shut.

Actually, I hadn't planned to tell him. It just happened ... mainly because I accidentally thought aloud that "a lot is happening at the moment, and that's quite overwhelming", and he wanted to know what I'm talking about. So, eventually, I told him.

I had expected that he would be shocked or even got mad at me. But that didn't happen. He was completely relaxed and said more or less that it's okay and that he loves me anyway. I asked him whether he had already guessed that I don't identify as a woman, and he said, "Well, there had been signs ..." And I had been trying so hard to hide it. :D But obviously, we can't really hide it. The people who really care about us often notice it long before we are aware that they know our little secret.

Edit: I called this thread "The Point of No Return" because now I can't pretend being a girl anymore, but have to face the truth. Telling him was a step that I was avoiding for years and now that it's said there is no return. :D
 
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Katie

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Congratulations on overcoming one of the scariest barriers in moving your life forward.
 

Entropic Variable

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But obviously, we can't really hide it. The people who really care about us often notice it long before we are aware that they know our little secret.

I think this is so true in so many cases, even if these people never say so once we do come out. Only one person did acknowledge their suspicions that I might be trans during my coming out period, but rather than feeling offended or concerned in any way, I actually felt validated and very happy to learn this!

Being trans obviously isn't common, and if they aren't trans or don't know someone who is trans, most people probably don't even consciously recognize it as a possibility. However, I do tend to believe that many people pick up on the "diverse" energy that I think most trans people just naturally give off, even if the trans person has accepted that they are trans and is actively closeted.


🤘 YOU! 🤘 GO! 🤘 DEAR! 🤘 SIR! 🤘
 

Donica

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Congratulations Mim89! That first step is the biggest. The rest get easier, and more gratifying.
 

Lexxi

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Mim that is just fantastic news. I came out to my first person in May of 2019 and was so terrified I cried like a baby.

I just came out to one of my family members a couple of weeks ago and it was like I was telling him I'm going to be getting a hair cut. It was no big deal. So please know that every time you do it it gets easier and easier.

I'm glad you got to tell your favorite person first.
 

Mim89

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Thank you, @Entropic Variable , @Donica , @Confused and @Lexxi for your kind words.

Actually, at the moment, I'm regretting a bit that I came out to him in such an early state. As I mentioned, it wasn't planned, and I wish I had told him any excuses instead of the truth.

The thing is ... now it's not just me who's overwhelmed and anxious, but he is, too.

We talk every evening on the phone and I noticed that he was always trying to avoid the trans topic, but I brought it on a few times anyway. I wanted to "check" how he's feeling about it. Today I told him a bit about the steps of transition (therapy, HRT, surgeries). He just listened and didn't say much, so eventually we started talking about another topic, but suddenly, he said, "But you won't do such bullshit, will you?"
I asked, "Bullshit? What bullshit?"
He: "Getting your breasts removed and such."
I was totally shocked and surprised, so I said, "I don't know yet ... I first need therapy and figure things out."
He: "Such a surgery is no laughing matter!"
Me: "Uhmm... yeah, I know. I wouldn't want to do it for fun anyway, but because I'm suffering."
He said that just thinking about that makes his toes curl and that he doesn't want to talk about this topic anymore because it ruins his good mood.

I didn't know what to say, so I jabbered anything about a TV series we both watch, just to get out of this uncomfortable situation.

Now, after the phone call, I feel so bad and guilty. I don't want my ex to be sad and anxious because of me. I understand that the thought that his ex-fiancé may change gender is scary for him. I'm afraid to lose him, if I transition. And that's what I absolutely want to avoid. On the other hand, the thought of being stuck in this female body forever is unbearable, too.

Right now, I just wanna run away ... to a desert island where my only problem is how to get the coconuts down from the palm trees. 😞
 

Entropic Variable

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@Mim89

I’m so incredibly sorry to hear about this experience with your ex.

His comments are completely unacceptable. There are absolutely no excuses for speaking to you that way, and no one ever has any right to take out their insecurities or frustrations on you.

If he becomes abusive in the future, tell him that you refuse to speak with him until he can address you in a respectful way, and hang up the phone.

Not only is acceptance a complex process for us as transgender people, it is also a complex process for those in our lives as well. In my experience the best thing to do is to give ourselves and those we come out to in our lives time and space. Maybe it would be a good idea to not speak with him for a while? Maybe you could send him an email to explain how what he said made you feel? Hopefully he will come around and apologize, and your friendship will continue.

But if he doesn’t and the relationship ends, it ends. You need to prepare yourself for this possibility.

Please just know that I will never abandon you and you can always reach out to me, and I know that I’m not the only TR member who feels this way about you. You are perfect and wonderful just the way you are, and you have so much to offer the world.

Again, I am so incredibly sorry to hear that this happened.

Whatever happens, you will get through this, and you are never alone.
 

Monica

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Hi Mim I feel like I just landed back on my planet from somewhere far away. I'm trying to get back to normal although my craziness has just started to calm down today. I bring this up because it is appropriate to what you are going through now. Adjustment times and time warps being the target topic of my rantings. Just as I am adjusting, you are adjusting, your ex is adjusting. It takes time. If things are pushed too fast they just don't seem to mesh right. People have different needs at a time like this. For instance, you have held your secret so long, you have a need to bust out in your new found openness of your truth. You want to explore, bounce things off others, maybe describe how you see your future to those you love. All legitimate feelings! Your ex is trying to wrap his head around this. It's a new thought and he is not ready for the thoughts that he might consider drastic. It's like going from 0 to 60 without all those numbers in between. When I came out, I was conscious of who I expressed what to and at what rate. My sons were eased into the female me. They accepted a little bit at a time my visual changes, and that was a rate that they could handle. Acceptance is not an all or nothing. It takes care and patience on our part. Having that patience pays dividends in how they accept. So no, you don't need to feel guilty. You are excited to get this news out. I would suggest that you bring it back to the basics of the caring as two people and the relationship you have in that sense. Less emphasis on like physical alterations! I would ease him in at a pace you judge he can handle. Remember, initial reactions can be deceiving. People need education. They need an understanding that this situation really causes you pain and despite the misinformation out in the world, this is no whim or fad on your part. Don't panic, take a breath, and work for the long haul. It is very hard when you are fresh out of the gate.
 

Lexxi

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Hi Mim,
I'm so sorry to hear that he's taking things roughly. I always tell newly out trans people who are having a rough time with family members this:

You've had your entire life to get used to the idea that you're in the wrong body. It's just totally normal in your mind right now. For your family who've just found out it comes as a bit of a shock. We as trans people need to keep in mind that we can't expect our family members to get used to the idea in a day, a week, a month, or even years. Sadly in some cases they'll never get used to it. But we need to give them that time. If they really love us they'll come around.

I hope that's the case with your ex. I hope he starts doing some reading and studying (from reputable sources) and realizes just how much pain you're in. Because he shouldn't have any problems finding out information on dysphoria.

I just hope you're able to keep him as a friend. The ball is really in his court because you have to be your own top priority. It's nice to think of other people's feelings and try to make them happy....but you should never end up miserable in the process. That does no one any good. If you're miserable then it defeats the purpose of becoming your true self....which you have every right to do.

So just give him time and maybe look up some good reputable reading sources and send them to him in an email. That way he can get to his studying.

Please know that we're all here for you. Good luck!!
 

Confused

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Mim, its hard to add anything to what has already been said except to agree with them. It was a wild ride with my wife at first.

To us, it seems like everything takes forever because of how long we have lived with this. To others, it seems like we are in a big rush because it is new to them. It is also hard for them to understand why. When I mentioned wearing womens jeans a few months ago, I thought a sink hole was going to open up and swallow us both. My wife finally caught up and is in sync. Not long ago she offered to let me try on her jeans and helped me buy some new ones. It took time and communication. I have a daughter that is still pretty cold towards me, but I am hoping a little more time will help there to.

Hugs,
Mike
 

Entropic Variable

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I agree with everything Moni and Lexxi and Mike had to say, and feel like these comments especially bear repeating:

When I came out, I was conscious of who I expressed what to and at what rate. [...] Acceptance is not an all or nothing. It takes care and patience on our part. [...] Remember, initial reactions can be deceiving. People need education. [...] Don't panic, take a breath, and work for the long haul. It is very hard when you are fresh out of the gate.

To us, it seems like everything takes forever because of how long we have lived with this. To others, it seems like we are in a big rush because it is new to them. It is also hard for them to understand why.

I do hope that your ex will be able to support you once he’s had some time to become educated and to fully process what you’ve shared with him, and that your friendship will continue.

I've always been a devout optimist, and definitely believe that patience is a virtue, and in never closing any doors that don’t absolutely have to be closed in life.

However, I especially agree with Lexxi about this:

you have to be your own top priority. It's nice to think of other people's feelings and try to make them happy....but you should never end up miserable in the process. That does no one any good. If you're miserable then it defeats the purpose of becoming your true self....which you have every right to do.

Respect for boundaries is essential for everyone, and I believe especially so for our well-being as trans people.

Of everyone I’ve come out to, the only person who was never able to fully accept and support me was the one person from whom I wanted it the most – my mother.

We remained in contact and in each others’ lives from when I came out to her in 1995 until she passed away in 2020 (just prior to the pandemic declaration), but her inability to accept me seriously undermined our relationship for the last 25 years of her life. I loved my mother and always hoped that the day might come when she would finally be able to accept me, although unfortunately it never came.

But during this entire time, I never once pretended to be anyone other than who I was, and never once apologized for being who I am.

Had she not been my mother and had instead been an aunt or a cousin or a friend, I might have chosen to just let the relationship go. I believe that sometimes this can actually be the healthiest thing to do for us and for those in our lives who for whatever reason are unable to accept us.

What helped me through these difficulties and disappointments with my mother was finding the strength to forgive her for her transphobia, and to focus not on the loss of being able to have a full and open relationship with her, but to instead focus on all of the other positive and supportive relationships in my life.

Again, I do hope that he is able to work through his own difficult process of acceptance, and that you and your ex will be able to continue your friendship. But if he insists that you pretend to be someone you are not and this ends up closing the door on your relationship, please just remember that there are countless other doors around you just waiting to be opened, and you will never be alone so long as you are willing to open them.

No one person’s transphobia – no matter what your relationship has been with them – is ever worth sacrificing the truth and your happiness.
 
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Mim89

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Thank you, @Entropic Variable, @Monica, @Lexxi, and @Confused for your wonderful feedback. I'm glad that you have shared your experiences with me, and meanwhile I feel better.

During the last few days, I have avoided talking about the "trans topic" with my ex as much as I could. I was afraid that he might say something nasty again, but he didn't so far. Today (Saturday) he paid me a visit, and we had a nice time together. But again, I tried to mention my trans identity as little as possible.

Sometimes I wish I could read his thoughts because I don't know what he really thinks about it. I think, most of all, it scares him because he never dealt with something like that before. I doesn't know any other trans people and was never much into LGBTQIA+ things. It was never a problem to him that I was a pansexual, but I think the idea of me turning into a guy is quite frightening for him. Especially, since I am the only real friend he has. He's not in touch with his family anymore because his mother has been abusing him since he was little. Due to his traumatic childhood, he has a very hard time trusting other people, and I'm the only one he really trusts. It's a very complicated situation.

Not only is acceptance a complex process for us as transgender people, it is also a complex process for those in our lives as well. In my experience the best thing to do is to give ourselves and those we come out to in our lives time and space.

Thank you! I strongly agree, EV. That's why I avoided talking about that topic during the last few days. I wanna give him the opportunity to digest all of the new information. I have a feeling, that on one hand the situation is very frightening and strange to him, but on the other hand he's showing interest in learning more about it anyway. However, I decided not to tell him my male name yet and didn't ask him to use male pronouns for me. Because I feel that he's not ready for that yet. He needs time. And I need patience.

People have different needs at a time like this. For instance, you have held your secret so long, you have a need to bust out in your new found openness of your truth. You want to explore, bounce things off others, maybe describe how you see your future to those you love. All legitimate feelings! Your ex is trying to wrap his head around this. It's a new thought and he is not ready for the thoughts that he might consider drastic. It's like going from 0 to 60 without all those numbers in between.

Thank you for sharing this, Moni. I just wish, my ex had any other friends or family members he'd trust enough to talk about his feelings. Because I feel that I'm unable to really help him with that. I'm already thinking about transition, while he is still accepting that I'm trans. As you said, we have different needs.

Maybe he can talk about this with his therapist. However, he just started therapy a few weeks ago, and I don't know whether he already trusts his therapist enough to share his feelings with her. As I said above, he has a hard time trusting people.

You've had your entire life to get used to the idea that you're in the wrong body. It's just totally normal in your mind right now. For your family who've just found out it comes as a bit of a shock. We as trans people need to keep in mind that we can't expect our family members to get used to the idea in a day, a week, a month, or even years.

That's so true, Lexxi. I didn't consider this before. Thank you! I'll do my best to give my family and friends time to get used to the idea that I'm trans. And if it takes years, it's okay. As long as they will eventually accept me.

The interesting thing is that I have started wearing men's clothes and stopped shaving my legs already a few years ago, and it has been always okay for my ex. He even supports that, and when I told him today that I hate my long hair and want to get it cut short again, he said that I should go for it. But I think that's not the same thing as starting HRT or getting a surgery. The latter is way more drastic.

(....) and maybe look up some good reputable reading sources and send them to him in an email. That way he can get to his studying.

That's a good idea, Lexxi.

Not long ago she offered to let me try on her jeans and helped me buy some new ones. It took time and communication.

That's awesome, Mike. :) As I mentioned above, my ex is also okay that I wear men's clothes, and he even gave me some of his jeans and t-shirts that don't fit him anymore. Without his support, I probably wouldn't have started dressing like a guy in 2019.

No one person’s transphobia – no matter what your relationship has been with them – is ever worth sacrificing the truth and your happiness.

Yes, that's true, EV. I've been sad and depressed for too many years, it's time that I enjoy life to the fullest. :)
 

Entropic Variable

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[His ex:] He's not in touch with his family anymore because his mother has been abusing him since he was little. Due to his traumatic childhood, he has a very hard time trusting other people, and I'm the only one he really trusts. It's a very complicated situation. […] he just started therapy a few weeks ago, and I don't know whether he already trusts his therapist enough to share his feelings with her. As I said above, he has a hard time trusting people.

I’m so sorry to hear about your ex’s background, and hope that he will be able to find the healing that it sounds like he so desperately needs with his new therapist. One of the most tragic things about abuse is that it can cause the survivor to become abusive themselves.


I've been sad and depressed for too many years, it's time that I enjoy life to the fullest. :)

Yes indeed Dear Sir! :)
 
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