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Donica

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Wow. The couple times I went (summoned 4 times, served on 2 juries) everyone was dressed way more casually. More jeans than anything else.
Next time I'm just going to wear bright red leggings and a tunic with white tennies :ROFLMAO:.
Just kidding. I don't want to dis the judge.
 
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NicoleT

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Holy smokes.... all the crazy stuff you go through. I feel like I just want to come to Australia and start smacking some people for you. Not that I’m big and tough and can really do these kind of things but it really does seem like a whole number of people need to get their act straight.

I know you’ve been fighting for hormones and your levels to be correct for a long time now, I still think the idea of breast augmentation is a very good one for you. I also like the approach that your doctor is taking ,looking positive towards voice feminization and reducing your muscle mass. Jury duty is just something else to get through, every time they call me and they settle the case before I even get there.

Very sorry to hear about your boss at work. My love-hate relationship with work can sometimes be quite debilitating for me. There is nothing worse than feeling uneasy while doing your job. It’s one of those foundational things when you get up each morning to know that somethings solid is awaiting you. I hope you can get this thing cleaned up shortly, so that’s one less stress.

As always your greatest medication is doing things that you love. Seeing your grandchildren I know is at the top of your list, I hope you can find some of those other things that you’ve always love to do. Finding those things that can relax your mind and give you peace can help you through things.

Big
Hugs
Nicole
 

OzGirl

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Nicole, part of my problem is that I could still smack some people, and it prevents me from seeing myself as female. I am still the go to person for heavy things. Late last year I confronted 6 teenage boys who were making a nuisance of themselves, and Mary said my presence scared them. I still get an adrenalin rush and it is obvious to people. I am not physically scared of anyone, and I need this to go so I can evolve to a more female psyche.

Hugs,

Allie
 

CrackDown29

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Nicole, part of my problem is that I could still smack some people, and it prevents me from seeing myself as female. I am still the go to person for heavy things. Late last year I confronted 6 teenage boys who were making a nuisance of themselves, and Mary said my presence scared them. I still get an adrenalin rush and it is obvious to people. I am not physically scared of anyone, and I need this to go so I can evolve to a more female psyche.

Hugs,

Allie
I was lifting 100+ lbs of solid bamboo wood slats and Helping hold up support beams of 275+ lbs with only 1 person, and I was an AFAB teenager. My older sister's presence has scared sports boys only a few years beneath here in late high school, and I've sadly had experience restraining a man 8 years my senior who while light was pure lean muscle.

Being scared of other people shouldn't have to be a requisite quota for being a female in my opinion :/
 

OzGirl

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I was lifting 100+ lbs of solid bamboo wood slats and Helping hold up support beams of 275+ lbs with only 1 person, and I was an AFAB teenager. My older sister's presence has scared sports boys only a few years beneath here in late high school, and I've sadly had experience restraining a man 8 years my senior who while light was pure lean muscle.

Being scared of other people shouldn't have to be a requisite quota for being a female in my opinion :/

You never cease to impress me Collie! Yes, being scared is not a prerequisite, but most women are. My self image needs to change, and I am sure that losing my male confidence would help that, though I am conflicted as to if I want to.

Hugs,

Allie
 

CrackDown29

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You never cease to impress me Collie! Yes, being scared is not a prerequisite, but most women are. My self image needs to change, and I am sure that losing my male confidence would help that, though I am conflicted as to if I want to.

Hugs,

Allie
So, these are my two cents about it, and I know alredy that we will have very different opinions becuase you're an elder woman and I'm a young kid.

I strongly discourage feeling like you have to adopt inherently negative traits to match with your internal gender identity. That would be the same as me feeling like I need to be more cruel or oblivious to match the manly persona I'm striving for. Or become reckless and stupid cause boys are more likely to crash.

Maybe instead of feeling like you need to be fearful, you can think of it as "How can I de-escalate a situation instead of responding with adrenaline and force?" Since you mentioned how you are very comfortable and used to using displays of physical threat to keep people in line, maybe think of how you need to use other tools of diplomacy and conversation to keep people in order, because those are often tools that women use.
(I'm not a good person on this even though I'm AFAB, because I am used to having to resort to violence, and so my instinct when I feel threatened to try to make myself physically dangerous and want to shout)

One double edged sword about being trans is that, like it or not, we're already a bit out of the gender stereotypes. I know that is especially painful for you :( but one benefit of that is that we are able to choose a little more which traits we want to adopt, and which traits we want to shed. For instance, I will always have a weakness for certain fashion styles, and I think it'd be wrong for me to supress that even though my identity is lining more and more with being male. The whole journey of becoming trans is, in theory, to be who we really are, yes? But it's difficult to resist the urge to remove everything about us that doesn't line up neatly in a new binary.

I guess I'm rambling a bit. I know you've mentioned several times that you didn't even want to transition, and that you simply wanted to be completely cis. I guess what I'm trying to say is just because something about you doesn't line up neatly in a binary doesn't mean it's wrong or needs to be thrown away if it is a part of the real you. Only you can answer what those things are of course, but please don't feel like you need to damage yourself in order to fit into a societal expectation of women. Believe me, living in fear isn't fun. <3
 

OzGirl

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So, these are my two cents about it, and I know alredy that we will have very different opinions becuase you're an elder woman and I'm a young kid.

I strongly discourage feeling like you have to adopt inherently negative traits to match with your internal gender identity. That would be the same as me feeling like I need to be more cruel or oblivious to match the manly persona I'm striving for. Or become reckless and stupid cause boys are more likely to crash.

Maybe instead of feeling like you need to be fearful, you can think of it as "How can I de-escalate a situation instead of responding with adrenaline and force?" Since you mentioned how you are very comfortable and used to using displays of physical threat to keep people in line, maybe think of how you need to use other tools of diplomacy and conversation to keep people in order, because those are often tools that women use.
(I'm not a good person on this even though I'm AFAB, because I am used to having to resort to violence, and so my instinct when I feel threatened to try to make myself physically dangerous and want to shout)

One double edged sword about being trans is that, like it or not, we're already a bit out of the gender stereotypes. I know that is especially painful for you :( but one benefit of that is that we are able to choose a little more which traits we want to adopt, and which traits we want to shed. For instance, I will always have a weakness for certain fashion styles, and I think it'd be wrong for me to supress that even though my identity is lining more and more with being male. The whole journey of becoming trans is, in theory, to be who we really are, yes? But it's difficult to resist the urge to remove everything about us that doesn't line up neatly in a new binary.

I guess I'm rambling a bit. I know you've mentioned several times that you didn't even want to transition, and that you simply wanted to be completely cis. I guess what I'm trying to say is just because something about you doesn't line up neatly in a binary doesn't mean it's wrong or needs to be thrown away if it is a part of the real you. Only you can answer what those things are of course, but please don't feel like you need to damage yourself in order to fit into a societal expectation of women. Believe me, living in fear isn't fun. <3
Still impressing me Collie! With the fear, it's more a matter of degree. I don't expect men to be super aggressive, nor women to be super fearful, but it would be fair to say that generally, men are more aggessive and women more fearful. For the record, I am known for handling potentially violent situations with calm, working as a warranty person in the truck and eathmoving industry honed that skill. I can also deliver a behaviour altering bark when needed. Working with teenagers honed that skill!

My need is to be a cis woman, and for me, nothing else can satisfy. Though it is right for many people, it doesn't work for me to be somewhere in the middle. So much so that even with living all my life at home as Allie, dysphoria nearly killed me. I thought I had it sorted for 65 years, then the rules changed dramatically!

Any typical male trait I exhibit is triggering, but I just can't help it sometimes. My gender ID demands I fully conform, yet my thinking brain does not want to. So currently, my transition is not making me happy. I am still searching for a way to make that happen! I don't expect to ever be as happy as I was pre transition, but I'm at least hoping for a lot less sadness.

Hugs,

Allie
 

Kenna

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Allie, as you know my size is pretty average for a man (178cm & 95Kg or 5'10" & 210lb) and while you're a bit shorter and wider at the shoulders than me you don't seem to me to be overwhelming of masculine physique as you often comment. To me the overwhelming clue that both of us suffer from is the lack of obvious breasts. My FFS has helped a bit but I only did that first as my kids wanted me to go slow and FFS is far less obvious than breasts. My hope is that unlike breast forms, breast implants will, after a while, just be a part of me and not feel foreign at all and won't feel as though I'm faking it, which you've alluded to in relation to your feelings about them. I'm looking forward to giving you feedback on my progress!
Hugs!
-Kenna
 

OzGirl

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Allie, as you know my size is pretty average for a man (178cm & 95Kg or 5'10" & 210lb) and while you're a bit shorter and wider at the shoulders than me you don't seem to me to be overwhelming of masculine physique as you often comment. To me the overwhelming clue that both of us suffer from is the lack of obvious breasts. My FFS has helped a bit but I only did that first as my kids wanted me to go slow and FFS is far less obvious than breasts. My hope is that unlike breast forms, breast implants will, after a while, just be a part of me and not feel foreign at all and won't feel as though I'm faking it, which you've alluded to in relation to your feelings about them. I'm looking forward to giving you feedback on my progress!
Hugs!
-Kenna
Kenna, I will be following your progress intently, though I really don't want BA at this stage. I know I am different to most others, and I have a lot more self discovery to do before I am happy with committing to surgery. As you know I had a consult booked with Dr Briedel, and I was glad to have it delayed as I was not ready to talk to him. I see my new psychologist this Thursday and I'm confident I will drive her crazy! I just can't see that breasts alone would stop me from confusing people...

Hugs,

Allie
 

Kenna

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Allie, I think I've already suggested it, but I'd encourage you to try wearing your breast forms and seeing again what impact they have on how people gender you. Maybe not at work, but somewhere where there's people you're interacting with. A pocket bra helps with comfort and reliability as well.
Good luck with the new psychologist!
And is there any progress on implants or other ways of managing E levels yet?
Hugs,
-Kenna
 

OzGirl

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Allie, I think I've already suggested it, but I'd encourage you to try wearing your breast forms and seeing again what impact they have on how people gender you. Maybe not at work, but somewhere where there's people you're interacting with. A pocket bra helps with comfort and reliability as well.
Good luck with the new psychologist!
And is there any progress on implants or other ways of managing E levels yet?
Hugs,
-Kenna
Today I posted my prescription to another compounding pharmacy in NSW. I anticipate arrival mid next week and have an appointment to have them inserted May 17. We have no idea how they will work (as my doc now admits I have alien biology! ), but we have to try this method before we can consider anything else. I still think I will need to supplement with gels to acheive levels over 1000 that we are aiming for. I will have a blood test next Monday to see where I am at, but I do feel less stressed, so my E levels are at least high enough for that.

I don't have many misgendering incidents in street clothing, but it is constant in our unisex work uniform. In just the polo top, my breasts are obvious, but in our hooded windcheaters, even my D cup forms would not be noticeable! I have discussed this with my boss and she offered to have me exempted from wearing the uniform, but this is not consistent with my desire to fly under the radar!

Hugs,

Allie




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Kenna

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Hi Allie, Like me, it's possible to notice our boobs in a polo top but only if you're specifically looking for them. Most people won't notice. We simply don't have enough boob! Mine haven't done anything for nearly 18 months with good levels of E so I'm giving up and going with surgery. For you, I'd continue to encourage you to get a pocket bra and maybe even trying the forms at work.

I'd also encourage you to work on your voice. Maybe with Tallulah. I'll ask my therapist is she knows anyone down your way.

It's good to hear that the doctor is onside trying to work with your weird physiology!
Hugs,
-Kenna
 

OzGirl

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Hi Allie, Like me, it's possible to notice our boobs in a polo top but only if you're specifically looking for them. Most people won't notice. We simply don't have enough boob! Mine haven't done anything for nearly 18 months with good levels of E so I'm giving up and going with surgery. For you, I'd continue to encourage you to get a pocket bra and maybe even trying the forms at work.

I'd also encourage you to work on your voice. Maybe with Tallulah. I'll ask my therapist is she knows anyone down your way.

It's good to hear that the doctor is onside trying to work with your weird physiology!
Hugs,
-Kenna
Thanks Kenna, I know voice is part of this, and my doctor and I have discussed this. He has been pushing Barwon Health to find another trans voice therapist since the last one left Geelong 2 years ago. He is using my case to demonstrate an immediate need, and is confident we will get a voice therapist soon, but they may not be very experienced with trans people. I have agreed to work with the voice therapist and assist is searching for resources for them to use.

To be honest, I can talk in a pitch above 220hz, but like breast forms, I tend to avoid this as it feels so fake to me. I think this is tied to me not wanting to transition, and this is a foundation issue I need to work on!

Hugs,

Allie
 

Kenna

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I can talk in a pitch above 220hz, but like breast forms, I tend to avoid this as it feels so fake to me. I think this is tied to me not wanting to transition, and this is a foundation issue I need to work on!
Yes, my voice sits a little above 220Hz and is clearly in the feminine range. Resonance plays an important role in gendering voice as well.and I'm working on this with my voice therapist. I've just sent her an email asking if she knows anyone within reach of you who could help.
But as you've said, the foundational issue of embracing your transition is probably even a bigger issue for which a very good counselor can be of good assistance. I'm seeing mine tomorrow for a WPATH letter; should I ask if he knows anyone down your way with relevant skills and competence in case your current referral doesn't work out?
 

OzGirl

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Yes, my voice sits a little above 220Hz and is clearly in the feminine range. Resonance plays an important role in gendering voice as well.and I'm working on this with my voice therapist. I've just sent her an email asking if she knows anyone within reach of you who could help.
But as you've said, the foundational issue of embracing your transition is probably even a bigger issue for which a very good counselor can be of good assistance. I'm seeing mine tomorrow for a WPATH letter; should I ask if he knows anyone down your way with relevant skills and competence in case your current referral doesn't work out?
Thanks Kenna! Seriously, you know me pretty well now, how long should I give a new counselor to see if she can help me? I'm guessing she will need a couple of sessions or more just to get a handle on where I am at, and before she can recommend any strategies to help? I have no idea what the arrangements for sessions will be, and a part of the first session will be her talking me through downloading their video ap during our phone call!

Hugs,

Allie
 

Kenna

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Allie, with some counselors you can easily tell within the first session, sometimes within 5 minutes if they're going to be a waste of time, but assuming that they have a reasonable standard of competency I suspect that it might take 2, 3 or conceivably more sessions to know whether progress can be made. If no progress is apparent within 2 or 3 sessions raise this as a topic and ask about their confidence of making progress. All counselors have clients with whom they make no progress and it shouldn't be offensive to raise the topic. Early in the process you could also ask if they are using a particular therapeutic model. There's plenty of good models out there, ACT being one I'm fond of, but another that I'm familiar with, if used according to the manual, is not likely to be useful for you is Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, or CBT. There are plenty of "CBT skills" that can be used in many different models but I'd be surprised if straight CBT would be useful for you.
I'd also hope that you'd get written instructions in relation to any apps you may need prior to the first session. That shouldn't come out of the session time.
All the best!
Hugs,
-Kenna
 

Katie

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Voice is really tricky. My insurance won't cover voice therapy, but I did pay full price for two sessions with a therapist. The first was an evaluation and the second was some actual exercises. I have made some progress with what little resources I have, though.
 

Linde

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People don't forget to talk to the two therapists who are members here.
I worked with both of them, and they are very good.
 

OzGirl

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Things are still a bit icy at work, yesterday I found out that the people who filled in for me while I was off for 3 months didn't have the same restrictions in work practices I have, and then I started to realise all the other things which are made harder just for me. It's wierd as they are extra safety measures, but I've never had an incident in the 15 years I have been doing the job, but it seems others aren't the same risk? So I demanded consistency from my boss, and she virtually said I was a special case as I was recovering from surgery, but I pointed out these restrictions have been in place for a couple of years since I started transition. I can only think that my transition has set off some sort of wierd reaction in my boss?

I had a session with a new psychologist today and she was amazed at how many serious things I am dealing with in my life, and equally amazed at how much I knew about psychology and in particular trans psychology. We identified things I hoped to acheive with her and she is going to work on a plan to go forward. She felt I had a very strong base, and that I could overcome some of my barriers with some work, but basically she had no issues with me working or serving on a jury in a couple of weeks, so I'm not crazy!

The next 10 days are really busy for me as I try to get everything done before jury duty, so I doubt I'll have time to think too much about my issues, and hopefully some will be solved.

Hugs,

Allie
 

Kenna

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Hi Allie, It's good to hear that the new psychologist is sensible! Keep up the good work you know that you have our backing! Not that we're actually able to do much.
Hugs,
-Kenna
 
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