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OzGirl

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Kenna, while I haven’t discounted a BA entirely, I hope I don’t have to get one. I know I am funny, but it is important to me to grow my bits! My A plan is to reduce my upper body size so my breasts are more proportionate. I was in JB Hi Fi recently, and a sales guy was 10 metres awy and called out to me “I’ll be with you in a second, Sir!”. I could see myself in a reflection, and realised my outline was distinctly male. This has happened since, and some apologise when they get closer. I know my urgent issue is body shape, and it is also my primary dysphoria trigger, so before I invest in anything else, I need to find a solution to that. I will be investigating lifting my E levels to 1000 once I know how my pellet is performing. I won’t be making any plans at my consult next week.

Hugs,

Allie
 

OzGirl

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So, I'm getting to the end of a 2 week school holiday program where I host kids and parents at our aquarium, and at outside events and misgendering is running at above 80%! They didn't mean to hurt me, in fact, they were very complimentary about my presentations, but they just see me as male. This is despite my long hair, makeup, gold heart necklace, pink nails, and mary jane shoes. Our uniform is unisex, but I do have noticeable breasts. I am just seen as a man dressing up as a woman. Nobody takes me seriously, and I can't blame them. I feel like such a fool.

I knew getting into this that it was mission impossible, but I am too far down the rabbit hole to stop now. I have to face reality, and just get on with life, but I have to admit that a couple of weeks ago I was thinking of going back to presenting as male, but disounted that as it would just further confuse everybody (though it's hard to see how! )

I have a slight head cold, so I rang my surgeon's office the day before my consult to let them know, and they wanted me to get a covid test done before the consult! There simply wasn't enough time, so I had to reschedule to July. I'm not disappointed as I am not in the right headspace to consider any surgery atm, as I know it won't make the difference.

I have to clean my new vulva daily and apply ointment to a red area, so I am getting to know it pretty well. I can't properly see into my 'dimple' so I clean it out with a cotton tip and my finger. I know the idea of getting the 'dimple' was to have something which looked like the entrance to a vagina, but the more I get familiar with it, the less purpose I see it has. It really isn't functional, but requires cleaning, so I'm wondering if I had to do this over again if I would bother with a 'dimple'. I still feel good when I look at my vulva, so I know GCS was the right thing for me, but it has made me unhappier with my body. My depression has caused me to gain nearly 40 pounds in the last 2 months, which makes me hate my body even more, but for some reason, despite the constant misgendering in the last few days, I am not as depressed. I still hate feeling like a fool, but I feel a bit more resigned to my fate.

Hugs,

Allie
 

Linde

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Allie, I still don't change my opinion about your looks. I still feel that the looks are not the reason for the misgendering, I still think it is the way you present yourself, and that has nothing to do with your makeup, etc. I am friends with an intersex lady, she is 6' 4" tall, and looks like a wrestler, but she is never misgendered, because she has the confidence that she is female, and she radiates this confidence.

Concerning vaginas/vulvas, they are not a great design, a penis is way more efficient in regards to maintenance.
I have to do al the vulva cleaning you need to do, but I also have to dilate every day three times for 30 minutes. I developed granulation inside the canal, and dilation hurts like hell and always results into bleeding. But I still have to dilate, because the canal tries to close up faster than a speeding train. And after each dilation, i have to douch with 400 cc of ice cold saline solution to wash the blood out. Not really fun either. But I keep on going, because I know it will heal eventually, and my lower body will have the looks it should have had all my life.
We have to get through this, and not give up. Nature allowed itself to play a joke with our bodies, and we are now at the point to correct this joke, and become normal. But becoming normal is a hard job, and if we give up now, we will never reach this normal.
Plese don't give up, and keep on fighting to become the Allie you were meant to be. You have it in you, but had the bad luck to be hit hard lately, but that will go away, too.
I had a similar experience about 20 years ago, and I am alone since that time. This being alone allowed me to become the woman I am these days. God decided to send Amber to my door, and I am now as happy as I can be to have a lovely new family unit.

You, too, will be happy again one of these days, a happy older lady like I.

Keep on going your path Allie, and don't give up.



Linde
 

OzGirl

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Thank you Linde, but you don't get to see me in real life. People 30 feet away from me gender me as male, a lady squeezed my arm to console me and then said, "wow! Do you work out? I wish my husband had muscles like yours"! Men still respect me as a potential rival. None of this is because of how I present myself, other than my physique. I don't have a choice but to continue, but I can't do it with any feeling of validity.

I was at an event yesterday and during a break I saw all the ladies gathered and talking animatedly in a group, and all the guys in another group, and noticeably, I was on my own. I don't belong anywhere. Linde, If I am patient for 20 years I will be 87, and finding happiness in an old peoples home.... I know I have to go through this crappy time to put it behind me, but I am not confident I can change my body enough. Til then I need to be the bodybuilder in the blouse, and of course I don't blame people for calling it as they see it, and for me to feel foolish.

Hugs,

Allie
 

Kenna

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Allie, I've no magic word of solace! Our journey is hard, we all knew that when we started, but for some it's harder than others. I hear your struggle! We are all here for you!
Let me know when you have any days off; I'd love to come down and share a coffee and possibly a walk.
Love!
-Kenna
 

OzGirl

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Thank you Kenna, I would like that. I have volunteered for as much work and other activities as I can to distract myself lately (and I need the money) so I am looking forward to a day where I can just kick back! Before the Zoom meeting this Sunday, I have to drive home from Shepparton!

To add to my frustrations, I am back in electrolysis next week, meaning I have to go to work and face school groups with a beard. But you know what, I am doing it! I could just retire and not be exposed to so many people. I could pull back into the supportive trans community, and never be misgendered, but I won't. Despite the embarrassment and crying myself to sleep, I won't give up on my life. Maybe I cherish my life much greater than I regard transition, maybe I am punishing myself for being trans, I don't know, but no matter how much it hurts, I will go about my normal life.

Hugs,

Allie
 

NicoleT

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Allie, I love your attitude here. You can do this, you will do this. Let’s face it the outside world wants to punish us enough, we don’t need to punish ourselves. I really hope you and Kenna can get together and spend some time... I’m sure it will be helpful. I look forward to seeing you this weekend.

Hugs
Nicole
 

OzGirl

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100% misgendered today!

Hugs,

Allie
 

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Donica

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I'm sorry Allie. I'm probably being clocked all the time too, but at least most of the people around here are polite about it. It looks like you're not wearing any makeup? I understand if you are wearing a mask all day, but at least do-up your eyes with just enough eyeliner, mascara, eyeshadow, and eyebrows to change it up a little. Maybe some powder foundation from your eye level up to your hairline? Try it one day and see if that makes a difference in gendering. I never leave the house without at least doing-up my eyes.

Hugs!
 

NicoleT

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I agree with Donica. Just a little bit of make up and maybe even a little enhancement around your breast area especially when you have to wear kind of a double shirt like that because it hides your figure it just makes you look more bulky. I would say that many women of a modest bosom could wear multiple shirts like that and also being miss gendered.

Either way blow it off and move forward..... you are you and be proud. Love ya Allie
 

OzGirl

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Thank you Donica and Nicole. It’s not so much my face but my bulky body which lets me down. I was wearing BB cream and mascara, but if I wore full makeup, I may have been misgendered less, but only because people are being polite, not because they are seeing a woman. For me to feel good about myself, I need people to honestly see me as female, and it just ain’t happening!

I was surprisingly good about it, I guess I have come to terms (given up) with not looking female, but I still feel like a fool. Ths is my lot, and the lot of many other trans people, and we need to focus on the good things in our lives rather than be weighed down by the false dream of becoming female. GRS got my hopes up, and reality has knocked them down, I have to get over it.

Hugs,

Allie
 

Linde

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I'm sorry Allie. I'm probably being clocked all the time too, but at least most of the people around here are polite about it. It looks like you're not wearing any makeup? I understand if you are wearing a mask all day, but at least do-up your eyes with just enough eyeliner, mascara, eyeshadow, and eyebrows to change it up a little. Maybe some powder foundation from your eye level up to your hairline? Try it one day and see if that makes a difference in gendering. I never leave the house without at least doing-up my eyes.

Hugs!
I would add to that some good moisturizer, and probably some tined sun protector/moisturizer, and some bit of padding into the bra?

Linde
 

TonyaJanelle

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Allie I'm really sad to read these posts and wish I had magic words to say to make things better. I can say that you look great on the zooms. I also think there's hope of hormone magic yet. The loss of muscle mass can take some time and you had sub optimal levels for too long.
 

OzGirl

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Linde. BB cream is tinted moisturiser, and sadly my breasts are made look smaller by my fat gut!

Tonya, thank you for your lovely thoughts. I have been on optimal HRT for a year, maybe it's time to push it up a bit to see if I can get things happening. I am seeing my doctor Tuesday and I inted letting him know he is responsible for feminising me! I can't really try anything else until I can drop some bulk!

Hugs,

Allie

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Sister Allie I know where you're coming from. My size makes me get misgendered ALL the time. (You're WAY smaller than my 6' 1" 275 pound frame though.)
I did do something yesterday though that helped me out a lot, and I even got gendered correctly most of the day. I went for my GCS consult and I wanted to make sure that I looked as female as possible since I didn't want the doctor to say "you're not living your life as a female" then refuse to operate on me.

So what I did was wear my giant breast forms. The bra I had them in was a 46DD, and let me tell you something....that is the perfect size for my frame. There's no mistaking that I have obvious breasts, and they look REALLY good on me. So from now on when I go out I'll be wearing those for sure. Maybe it's time for you to pop your breast forms in your bra. They will make you feel so much better, and I guarantee you, you'll get gendered correctly after that.

Hang in there girl. Just be yourself and you'll be fine. You're an absolutely amazing woman and you need to find your happiness in any way you can.
 

OzGirl

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Sister Allie I know where you're coming from. My size makes me get misgendered ALL the time. (You're WAY smaller than my 6' 1" 275 pound frame though.)
I did do something yesterday though that helped me out a lot, and I even got gendered correctly most of the day. I went for my GCS consult and I wanted to make sure that I looked as female as possible since I didn't want the doctor to say "you're not living your life as a female" then refuse to operate on me.

So what I did was wear my giant breast forms. The bra I had them in was a 46DD, and let me tell you something....that is the perfect size for my frame. There's no mistaking that I have obvious breasts, and they look REALLY good on me. So from now on when I go out I'll be wearing those for sure. Maybe it's time for you to pop your breast forms in your bra. They will make you feel so much better, and I guarantee you, you'll get gendered correctly after that.

Hang in there girl. Just be yourself and you'll be fine. You're an absolutely amazing woman and you need to find your happiness in any way you can.
Lexxi, I have thought about using my forms again, but when my HRT actually works, my forms hurt my breasts! I know breasts are distracting, but I think adding to my upper body bulk will only make my hips look much smaller, and it's the overall inverse body shape which is confusing people. I appreciate that I am lucky at 5'7", but my current weight is 215lbs, and it just does not make a passable package. I will see what my doctor can do, and try to get under my pre op weight (dropping 40 ibs!). I really feel until I can reduce my upper body size, I will simply be misgendered.

I also think that the more I try to present as female, and fail, the more foolish I look and feel. For the last 1 1/2 hours yesterday I tied my hair back and tried to look a bit less confusing to my clients, and I felt a little less foolish. I am back in the classroom tomorrow, but with a 2 day beard as I have electrolysis the next day, and I am thinking of trying for a more androgynous look so I don't have to hide, or explain my whiskers. Transition seems to have been designed to be particularly cruel!

Hugs,

Allie
 

Ann Sophie

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Dear Allie,

it's heart breaking to see you struggle like this. The difference in what we wish we'd be noticed as and what we're really seen as by others is sometimes really, really hard to cope with. Yes. I went for a jog yesterday without mask and a slight beard shade above my lips in rather female sports clothing. The looks from the people venturing outside were cruel, yes. But the longer I jogged, the less I gave a damn about it. See for your transition you need to get into the mindset: How do YOU feel comfortable without others!

I know it is hard, the more you you can be, the more people around you are willing to accept you the way you are. Pull your thoughts away from others, maybe a little, and start to be yourself! Trying to look more androgynous fore the sake of being seen 'less foolish' is the wrong approach if it makes you unconnected with yourself!

YOU ARE STRONG! Start to show yourself again.

You've gained some weight? So you've got a mission mylady. You feel like a fool? Hell give a damn about other's thinking. Passing comes from the alignment of outer and inner appearance. Going back to androgynous presentation won't solve your problems, it'll enhance them!

I hope I don't sound being rude.

Feel the hugs,
Sophie
 

OzGirl

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Dear Allie,

it's heart breaking to see you struggle like this. The difference in what we wish we'd be noticed as and what we're really seen as by others is sometimes really, really hard to cope with. Yes. I went for a jog yesterday without mask and a slight beard shade above my lips in rather female sports clothing. The looks from the people venturing outside were cruel, yes. But the longer I jogged, the less I gave a damn about it. See for your transition you need to get into the mindset: How do YOU feel comfortable without others!

I know it is hard, the more you you can be, the more people around you are willing to accept you the way you are. Pull your thoughts away from others, maybe a little, and start to be yourself! Trying to look more androgynous fore the sake of being seen 'less foolish' is the wrong approach if it makes you unconnected with yourself!

YOU ARE STRONG! Start to show yourself again.

You've gained some weight? So you've got a mission mylady. You feel like a fool? Hell give a damn about other's thinking. Passing comes from the alignment of outer and inner appearance. Going back to androgynous presentation won't solve your problems, it'll enhance them!

I hope I don't sound being rude.

Feel the hugs,
Sophie

Ann Sophie, part of my problem is that I never wanted to transition, I was forced into it because of health problems. The reasons for not wanting to transition included not wanting to be stuck between genders, or losing loved ones. Both are happening. I feel very deeply that I cannot be a woman in my definition, and so I don't have a goal to transition to. My only desire is to stay healthy and lead a normal life. The stress from being stuck between genders is causing me depression, and weight gain. So to answer your question, I will feel comfortble in myself when I am a full cis woman, which, of course, cannot happen! The next level of compromise is to live a normal, low profile life, and currently the only way to do that is to present as male. But this would give me dysphoria! So the next compromise down is to present as androgynous, and accept whatever people call me.

Hugs,

Allie
 

Ann Sophie

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Dear Allie,

as long as you say you're forced into this, you combine your transition as an act of violation (on a word level!). From this point you can't get happy because there doesn't grow joy from violence. As long as you can't accept that your transition is something that you need to become happy but still say you were forced into this, you won't be able to reach to the point where you feel an inner peace.

It's a state of mind you can work on. And no, that doesn't mean to make yourself neglect the truth. We never will be ciswomen. Point. Everytime I say this to me I'm about to break into parts. But I got better and better in collecting these parts together und put them whole again.

Don't render yourself powerless, because you are not! Give yourself the chance to think positive about your transition and I really hope for you that you'll be able to reach that point someday despite having dysphoria.

Hugs
 

OzGirl

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Dear Allie,

as long as you say you're forced into this, you combine your transition as an act of violation (on a word level!). From this point you can't get happy because there doesn't grow joy from violence. As long as you can't accept that your transition is something that you need to become happy but still say you were forced into this, you won't be able to reach to the point where you feel an inner peace.

It's a state of mind you can work on. And no, that doesn't mean to make yourself neglect the truth. We never will be ciswomen. Point. Everytime I say this to me I'm about to break into parts. But I got better and better in collecting these parts together und put them whole again.

Don't render yourself powerless, because you are not! Give yourself the chance to think positive about your transition and I really hope for you that you'll be able to reach that point someday despite having dysphoria.

Hugs
Thank you Ann Sophie, but I can't ignore the truth. I suffered with dysphoria for 65 years and life presented me with opportunities to transition on occasions, and each time I considered it, I felt it was unlikely I could be successful, and decided not to do it. I got very sick with dysphoria, and HRT cured me, but I was determined not to continue with HRT, and tried to stop. This resulted in me getting sick again, and I realised if I were to survive, I would have to continue HRT. It was a violent contradiction of my will, and it still hurts me that I had to do this.

As I don't have a goal in transition, I have no reward to acheive, and no happiness to gain. This is purely a survival attempt, and unfortunately it is not going so well. I need something to happen so I can find a more normal life, and I might have some happiniess if not peace. I am not a person who can overlook the truth, so I have to live with it and hope other small things can bring some joy. If HRT doesn't work for me, and reduce my upper body bulk, I may have to find another option besides living as a woman. I can't go on making a fool of myself trying to be something I am obviously not.

For many of us, the dream simply can’t come true, and we need to find whatever happiness we can.

Hugs,

Allie
 
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