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Linde

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Allie, I wish you good luck, and hope the pellet works the way you hope it works. But you might not see big changes with a blood level of 200. I think your system needs a jump start to get going after all this time.

Hugs
Linde
 

OzGirl

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Well I flew the flag and sat for 1 1/2 hours to answer questions, unfortunately, due to Covid (people working from home) and others taking leave before Easter, there were not many people on site today! I spoke to one man by phone, and one woman sat with me for 40 minutes, amazed at what it is to be trans! At least I did something for TDOV!

Hugs,

Allie


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NicoleT

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Good for you Allie. You must’ve felt good to get out there & be a representative. Even if you’re only reach a few people those few people will reach many many more. That’s how we change attitudes and get people to understand us. I love seeing that flag waving high in the air...

Hugs
Nicole
 

OzGirl

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Happy Allie! I just can’t be down with my grandkids, plus I am flat out caring for everybody! We just finished our Easter Egg hunt, and chocolate breakfast!

Hugs,

Allie
 

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Donica

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Num num num!!! That chocolate Easter egg Batman is holding is almost as big as his head :LOL:. He looks like he's trying to work out how to take that first bite :love:.

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OzGirl

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Num num num!!! That chocolate Easter egg Batman is holding is almost as big as his head :LOL:. He looks like he's trying to work out how to take that first bite :love:.

Hugs!
Yes, Austin wouldn't lift his head for the photo as he was determined to eat that egg! Those 2 gallon buckets were each filled to the top with Easter Eggs and the hunt lasted nearly an hour! 3 happy kids, and 1 happy Allie to have them with me!

Hugs,

Allie
 

NicoleT

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Nothing like putting a bunch of kids on diet crack. All that candy and sugar they must’ve been buzzing around like airplanes. I’m so happy you had a great time..... it looks like a lot of fun.

Cute pictures

Hugs
Nicole
 

Lexxi

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I'm on a high carb diet, and have put on 25 pounds in 2 months, most of it on my gut, hardly any at all on my butt or boobs. For some reason I am still in the male fat distribution range.....

Hugs,

Allie
I've gained about 20 pounds in the last couple of months. Quite a bit of it went to my breasts and butt...but sadly some went to my belly too. I've been paying extra attention to overweight women lately and you'd be surprised how many have bigger bellies. I think it's just something that happens to them too.

I wonder if the reason so much of my weight went to my female areas though is because my estradiol levels are so high. My last reading three months ago was kinda messed up. I don't know what I was thinking when I made my appointment, but I accidentally did it two days before my trough time, so my reading was high. It was 800 at that time. I'm getting ready to get tested again this week, and my appointment is on my trough day, so I'm betting I'll be between 600 and 650. I'll let you all know though.
 

OzGirl

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So my general mental health is much better after having my grandkids with me for 4 days, and knowing they will be back with me in another 2 days! I just can't be sad with those cuties around me, and I feel so loved! This has allowed me to take a look at my life, hopefully from a more balanced position.

After my GRS, my self identity changed. That useless piece of flesh in my groin was barely visible and non functional, but definitely kept my self image in the male range. With it gone, my self image finally shited into the female range. But nobody else changed. They kept misgendering me, and for the first time, it really hurt! Then my ex told me she was leaving, and my life was in complete disarray. I plunged into depression.

Now I can see I had no reason to expect anybody to change because I had my op. People who have known me for a while are still struggling with my change, and I have to admit, I simply do not pass as a woman, so people meeting me for the first time are confused. This is my reality, no matter how I view myself, the world around me is not sure how to view me.

I am back at work, dealing with school kids and general public, and I need to have a realistic view of my position. Trans Day of Visibility woke me to the truth of being an openly trans person. At least this identity is something everybody can accept. To be honest, I feel foolish. I feel I am trying to be something I just can't. Until some sort of miracle happens and my upper body size decreases, I am never going to pass. I really believe this 'awkward stage' contributed to my wife leaving me. I am not the only one who feels foolish. She also told me my depression was also a factor, and I believe she was worried about coming home and finding my body. Way to support me.....

I am starting a month of attending events for work, in culturally diverse and economically challenged areas, and I was very worried how I was going to cope. I just couldn't try to attend these events as a woman, I knew I would fail, so my only options are to stay away, or attend as an openly trans person. For years before transition I had nightmares of being stuck between genders, and hiding from everyone, and now they are my life options. I am determined not to let my situation force me to wind up as a hermit, so I have to embrace being trans. Another nightmare I often had was living alone. I will soon be living most of my nightmares. No wonder I am not enjoying my transition.

I think I have a handle on my life for the time being, I have to see how I get through the next couple of months, and then the reality of being on my own for the first time in my life. I really need something good to come from my transition soon!

Hugs,

Allie
 
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Donica

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Allie! You are in good company. There are a lot of us trans girls around that are happier than we ever thought possible, happier than that miserable numb existence of the man we once were. It makes my heart sing to hear you are beginning to except who you are. That's the Allie we know and love. You are in no way being foolish. It is those around you that continue to misgender you that are the foolish ones, because they don't realize how close they are to losing the friendship of such a beautiful person.

Hugs!
 

OzGirl

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Allie! You are in good company. There are a lot of us trans girls around that are happier than we ever thought possible, happier than that miserable numb existence of the man we once were. It makes my heart sing to hear you are beginning to except who you are. That's the Allie we know and love. You are in no way being foolish. It is those around you that continue to misgender you that are the foolish ones, because they don't realize how close they are to losing the friendship of such a beautiful person.

Hugs!

Thank you Donica, but I am not lucky enough to be happy with transition, in fact, it has made me profoundly unhappy! I endure life, and my only joy is time with my kids. Last month I was having strong felings about detransitioning. I pondered stopping HRT and cutting my hair. I could go back to scuba diving, swimming at the beach and pool, not relying on people being polite around me. I wouldn’t be self conscious of my body shape, or have to put up with the endless pain of weekly electrolysis. I might even get my wife back, and restore my formerly happy life. Tempting.

But I know it can’t happen. I didn’t decide to transition, I did it to survive. This silly notion came up because my dysphoria is low, but if I went back to my former life, I would go back to my former dysphoria too. So I am stuck. I have to remain profoundly unhappy and endure to survive. My pillows will continue to be stained yellow with my tears, but soon, there will be nobody else here to hear me cry. Things are certainly not getting better, I don’t like what is in front of me, so I keep looking back.

Hugs,

Allie
 
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CrackDown29

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Thank you Donica, but I am not lucky enough to be happy with transition, in fact, it has made me profoundly unhappy! I endure life, and my only joy is time with my kids. Last month I was having strong felings about detransitioning. I pondered stopping HRT and cutting my hair. I could go back to scuba diving, swimming at the beach and pool, not relying on people being polite around me. I wouldn’t be self conscious of my body shape, or have to put up with the endless pain of weekly electrolysis. I might even get my wife back, and restore my formerly happy life. Tempting.

But I know it can’t happen. I didn’t decide to transition, I did it to survive. This silly notion came up because my dysphoria is low, but if I went back to my former life, I would go back to my former dysphoria too. So I am stuck. I have to remain profoundly unhappy and endure to survive. My pillows will continue to be stained yellow with my tears, but soon, there will be nobody else here to hear me cry. Things are certainly not getting better, I don’t like what is in front of me, so I keep looking back.

Hugs,

Allie
So I've never transitioned obviously, but I do sympathize with having to make a tough choice literally to survive and hating the life afterwards. I've gone through 2 situations like that now, and have lost pretty much everyone I have ever known in the last 18 years of my life. Even though things are starting to settle down for me now (having a new place, a job, etc.), I still get suicidal notions semi regularly and wish I could back to how things were before.

I may come off as high and mighty here but sometimes it helps to know that you're grieving for something that has ended, not solely just current shit in your life. Let me explain. When we simply cry for what is happening now, acting as if all of it is right now, our minds are still clinging to it as a possibility to get it back. Whereas acknowledging that things will never be the same again, while it hurts really really bad, it can help the mind start to let go. Does that make any sense?

For instance, I was convinced that my little brother and I would always have a good relationship. He was seperate enough from the views of my dad and mum due to his mental issues that I thought their politics wouldn't get between us. Now he hates me because he believes I falsely accused the renters of sexually assaulting me, because that's what everyone told him in less than 24 hours.

I feel grief, it's a semi-constant wound. And while I am really upset over what is happening right now, and it's perfectly reasonable, reminding myself that it's something I can't change and am rather grieving for what I lost has helped me begin to let go of the frenzied pain and shock from trying to change something that is already done.

Be patient with yourself, plot out and reward even the smallest steps that you take. Even if it's simply getting up in the morning, making your bed, brushing your teeth, and getting yourself tea/coffee, you still are making those steps and choices and those accomplishments deserve to be acknowledged.

I know this next one can be scary, but try and sit with yourself and ask what things you have hopes to achieve in the future? Whether it's big or small, write it down. Then sort them out into what's something that can be reasonably obtained short term versus long term. Having that small checklist of things you can focus on, positive goals you want to obtain and can actively work towards, can help a lot with shifting your mind away from the past and towards the present.

Take care of yourself Allie.
 

OzGirl

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Thank you Collie, and yes, I have to learn to let go. I keep thinking I have , but fall back into wanting my old life back every time things get tough. I do try to celbrate the good things, but it’s the big chunks of time in between that can get to me.

I have a problem with looking forward. I will never see myself as the woman I need to be, and so my transition has no goal, other than to prevent me from getting sick again. I can’t even really consider myself trans as I am not on a journey to anywhere! So I get mired in constant pain with no perceivable reward, and it makes it hard to look forward. My prospects for another relationship are miniscule, so lonliness and old age is what I see ahead of me. And unless I get some changes from HRT soon, I worry I won’t even fit in at the age care facility in the next decade or so. I really need something in my life to look forward to.

I think I need to find a project which will dominate my life so I never get the time to think about my situation. I tried to do this with trans forums and zooms, but I think I need to find something not trans related to fill my life.

Collie, you are an amazing young person, and your support means more to me than you might realise. Thank you!

Hugs,

Allie
 

Kenna

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Hi Allie, I hear your pain! But as Collie said, it's OK to grieve losses. but celebrate achievements. Focus on the positives and the great identities you have that cannot be in question. You are a great parent and grandparent, an educator, an outstanding online support person, an organiser and an avid campaigner against things that are wrong (e.g. the bank and Port Phillip Bay dredging). There's undoubtedly other roles that I don't know about. Regardless of all that, there are many people who recognise and celebrate you as the woman you are, even though there are also those who struggle to do so and a few who will choose to be cruel. But everybody can recognise you as they great person you are!
I think I need to find a project which will dominate my life so I never get the time to think about my situation. I tried to do this with trans forums and zooms, but I think I need to find something not trans related to fill my life.
There's sure to be more issues that are out there already or will arise shortly that you can get stuck into! There's also less obvious things. In my case, one of the things I'm doing is planning to learn music and I'm currently researching electronic pianos to assist in the process and allow me to give expression to the new knowledge and skills I'll develop.
Love!
-Kenna
 

OzGirl

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Thanks Kenna! There are a lot of other acheivements I can ceebrate, most connected with diving which frustrates me a bit. I know there are no solutions to my dilemmas, and the only way to live with them is distraction. This is how I managed dysphoria for most of my life, and why I have so many other acheivemnents, but, from this, I also know it doesn’t rid me of my problems, just covers them up for a while. I do have a couple of projects in mind, but I can’t be a state public servant to persue them!

I have my appointment with Alan Breidal next week, and a review with my gynecologist the following week. I won’t make up my mind about FFS until I am in a better mental state, and I am going to put it to my Gyne that it might be time to start pushing limits with my HRT. I really hate the place I am in now, and I so hate being trans, so I do need to find a way to change that situation a bit.

In reality, GRS has overall made me less happy, as I am now more critical of my lack of development in other places. I love my new vulva, and I know it has reduced my dysphoria, but it also changed my mental state. Something I didn’t realise would happen. I don’t like surgical solutions, and so I am hoping to avoid BA’s and such, also concerned about the mental changes they might bring.

It was in a discussion about a year ago with a psychologist who used to frequent this forum, that she suggested transition wasn’t right for me, and I should consider detransition. I pointed out that would likely prove fatal for me, and I also agreed that transition would be problematic for me, and I had already decided not to do it, but I had no choice. She, and I suspect many other people, struggled with the concept that my need to transition was completely seperate to my cognitive thinking, and that each were at odds with each other. I certainly can’t change my medical condition which demands I transition, so all I can do is try to convince myself that transition is right for me. Effective HRT seems to be the key to this, though making it actually happen is a huge challenge, and in the end, may simply not work for me.

Finding something to look forward to would help immensely too!

I look forward to your keyboard recital!

hugs,

Allie
 

Kenna

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Allie, you're definitely unique in you gender identity and transition! Detransitioning is something that I could never contemplate for myself and never actually suggest to anyone identifying as transgender, but given your discomfort with how you appear and your physical dependence on oestrogen, did you ever consider the idea of continuing HRT but presenting as a man in spite of your fundamentally feminine identity? To me that could have been equally conflicted, but it's an "out-of-the-box" idea that passed though my mind in response to your situation.
Hugs!
-Kenna
 

NicoleT

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I’ll be honest I read all of your posts and I struggle to come up with perfect advice. mostly because I’m in pain for you. let’s face it though nothing is ever going to be perfect. I think we’re all dealt hands in life that we have to overcome. You’re in the process of overcoming the hand you’ve been dealt. Of course you transitioned and that’s obviously giving you something that you haven’t had your entire life, but in the process lost you other things.

I think what you need to do now is hit the reset button. I know living alone isn’t fun, but you do get used to it. You start looking for other things in life that occupy your time and make you happy. You know the grandkids will always be there and you enjoy your work that’s two positives you still have.

One of your biggest concerns is passing, FFS May be a big help. Continuing to lose weight, muscle mass will decrease more and make you a bit smaller. Maybe you look at getting breast implants to change your perspective on that. These all could be very positive things to look forward too.

There can still be profound changes in your future. There’s nothing saying that you can’t find some new friends or maybe reach out to some old ones who are accepting. The point is there is still possibilities of good things to come. Maybe they’re not blockbuster fun, unbelievably great things but they’re positive things that will lead to more positive things. That can lead to fantastic things. The only way to find out, just keep moving forward.

I don’t say these things just to add my two cents. I say these things from experience. I lost everything when my wife died. I hadn’t even really began to transition yet. I didn’t have a clue how to do make up or dress or if I would ever pass. There were many days that I didn’t think I could get to the next day. You go through this mourning of your former life, only to realize the rest of your life is still in front of you. As long as were here, why don’t we do the best we can with what we’ve got.

I still mourn the life I used to have. The power I once had at work. I think all of us miss things about our former life that we’re good. The key is overcoming that and getting up each day looking for something positive. This is how I survive.

This is a long post but I want to say one other thing to you. I love you. I’m here for you and we all care about you tremendously. I know you can get through this.

Hugs
Nicole
 

OzGirl

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Allie, you're definitely unique in you gender identity and transition! Detransitioning is something that I could never contemplate for myself and never actually suggest to anyone identifying as transgender, but given your discomfort with how you appear and your physical dependence on oestrogen, did you ever consider the idea of continuing HRT but presenting as a man in spite of your fundamentally feminine identity? To me that could have been equally conflicted, but it's an "out-of-the-box" idea that passed though my mind in response to your situation.
Hugs!
-Kenna

Kenna,
This potential solution occured to me late last year, and re emerged a couple of weeks ago. The truth is, it would not make me happy, and would probobly trigger dysphoria, but it would make me more socially acceptable. I hate making other people feel uncomfortable in how to perceive and approach me, especially my loved ones, but would their comfort be woth me being even more unhappy? I have always seen mysef as female, and if I could see myself as a passing femae I would be overjoyed. Problem is, this is looking less likely very day. To be happy, I think I need to have the belief that I can be myself, not someone stuck in the middle like in my nightmares. I need to believe that I could attain this in a forseeable future so I have something to look forward to. Even before I consider the feelings of others, I need to find peace with myself.

Hugs,

Allie
 

OzGirl

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I’ll be honest I read all of your posts and I struggle to come up with perfect advice. mostly because I’m in pain for you. let’s face it though nothing is ever going to be perfect. I think we’re all dealt hands in life that we have to overcome. You’re in the process of overcoming the hand you’ve been dealt. Of course you transitioned and that’s obviously giving you something that you haven’t had your entire life, but in the process lost you other things.

I think what you need to do now is hit the reset button. I know living alone isn’t fun, but you do get used to it. You start looking for other things in life that occupy your time and make you happy. You know the grandkids will always be there and you enjoy your work that’s two positives you still have.

One of your biggest concerns is passing, FFS May be a big help. Continuing to lose weight, muscle mass will decrease more and make you a bit smaller. Maybe you look at getting breast implants to change your perspective on that. These all could be very positive things to look forward too.

There can still be profound changes in your future. There’s nothing saying that you can’t find some new friends or maybe reach out to some old ones who are accepting. The point is there is still possibilities of good things to come. Maybe they’re not blockbuster fun, unbelievably great things but they’re positive things that will lead to more positive things. That can lead to fantastic things. The only way to find out, just keep moving forward.

I don’t say these things just to add my two cents. I say these things from experience. I lost everything when my wife died. I hadn’t even really began to transition yet. I didn’t have a clue how to do make up or dress or if I would ever pass. There were many days that I didn’t think I could get to the next day. You go through this mourning of your former life, only to realize the rest of your life is still in front of you. As long as were here, why don’t we do the best we can with what we’ve got.

I still mourn the life I used to have. The power I once had at work. I think all of us miss things about our former life that we’re good. The key is overcoming that and getting up each day looking for something positive. This is how I survive.

This is a long post but I want to say one other thing to you. I love you. I’m here for you and we all care about you tremendously. I know you can get through this.

Hugs
Nicole

Nicole, you know I love you too, and have felt every bump in your journey! I too am mourning a former life which was so good I literally had to pinch myself. If I can find something to look forward to, I might be able to let my former life go, but my future is looking like loneliness and and the lack of confidence to engage with other people. I do have my grand kids, and they are simply the total joy in my life. Mary got tired of my sadness and left me, and I worry my sadness might drive my kids away too. I need to find a way to look forward. HRT isn’t giving me any hope of being at peace with myself, so I gotta put pressure on my doc to help me with my body shape. I look in the mirror and see the man that obviously everybody else does, and this destroys my confidence.

In my life, I avoided making close friends as I was afraid they would work out my secret. After 67 years of avoiding making friends, and now being confusing visually, I don’t have the confidence to reach out to others, and still instinctively push people away. I know I have to change this, but it comes back to finding love for myself.

Next month, my boss is going to order me to take holidays as I have accrued too many, and I have been trying to think of something to do. I just have no interest at going away somewhere on my own to be exposed to strangers. I just don’t know how to have a holiday without Mary, and it is giving me anxiety. How bad is my life when I am scared to take a holiday! I know I have to change to make my life work, but it is so hard. Old people are supposed to be set in their ways, and this is denied me too!

My muscle mass is just not reducing, and I have to admit something, and I hope it won’t hurt anyones feelings. I don’t like surgical solutions as to me, they aren’t real. They are a reflection of the surgeons skill, not me. This is why I don’t want BA, and probably won’t get FFS. My GRS was purely to rid me of unwanted material, and I am not so concerned with what the surgeon created in it’s place. Once it is healed, i will wash it and probably never look at it. Even the results of hormones aren’t naturally me, but at least I will grow them. This is why my hopes are so dependant on HRT, but that just isn’t delivering.

I know i am hoping for too much, but remember, I decided again and again throughout my life not to transition for these very reasons. Then I had to and it is not working, and I am sad. Of course I am, but I need to find a way to happiness! I have to find a way to end this conflict between my gender id and my self image.

Hugs,

Allie

Pic below taken today, the man in the mirror.....
 

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Kenna

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Allie, For me the biggest factor in my presenting obviously as a woman will be breast augmentation and if it were not for my kids wanting me to "go slow" I probably would have done this much earlier in my surgical journey. My facial surgery has helped with me being perceived as a woman, but it's not a dramatic improvement and is scarcely relevant once a person is more than a couple of metres away from me, clothing playing a bigger role then. I'm looking forward to my BA within the next few months and expect that that will make a big difference in how I'm perceived by people who don't already know me. I hope that it might also help those who know me to leave behind some of their memories of my male presentation and slip up on pronouns a bit less. Let's see.

I'm obviously comfortable with surgical solutions as it is a way of having my physical appearance better matching who I perceive myself to be. While the surgeon's skill is obviously important I believe that my instructions to them are also a key part of the process. Naturally there's a variety of opinions about this and I'm OK with that.

I've only met you once in real life (I'm looking forward to remedying that many times this year), and that was over a year ago, but I have no memory of your shoulders and muscular arms being overly dominant, just of you being a biggish person, a bit wider than me, but not dramatically so. I've seen plenty of bigger women, but they've all had very noticeable breasts. So I'm wondering, even in spite of your dislike of surgical solutions, if it might be worth giving closer consideration to a BA. I'll happily discuss this in more detail in person prior to my BA and then again afterwards so you can see how I go. Early June is a distinct possibility.

Hugs!
-Kenna
 
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