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OzGirl

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Life is strange, Mary has struggled to see me as a different person, using my dead name and pronouns, and relying on me to fix any technical stuff. Maybe since GRS there has been a shift. In my former life I was a mechanic and Automotive engineer. She has been having trouble with gear changes on her bicycle, and arranged a bike mechanic to service her bike at home, and show her the basic maintenence procedures. She complained to me this morning that the gears were actually worse since being adjusted. I was in my nighty ironing clothes for the day when I offered to come have a look at it for her. She shook her head and said it would be too complicated for me!

I accepted the dumb blonde insinuation, but now feel justified to complain about dead naming!

Hugs,

Allie
 

Monica

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Allie, I won't tell you my opinion of her dead naming you. (Biting lip!)
 

OzGirl

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Yes, it's a strange situation, I am apparently too much the same person to use my legal name, but I have changed so much all I can do is cook and clean??? It's not just Mary, it's my daughter, 2 of my 3 brothers and about half of the other people I've known long term! I know it's hard for them, but they have had 18 months to get the idea....

Hugs,

Allie
 

Monica

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Allie, you and another friend I have are just too nice. My other friend says that it is just her personality, she can't help it. She let's people be abusive to her because she won't stand up to them. I'm not criticizing anyone's personality, certainly not yours, but if you don't demand a certain level of respect as in using your real name, some people will not comply. If my kids want to call me Dad, at home, that is cool. Otherwise, I expect no one to use my dead name. It's not like that is asking so much. It's common courtesy. Not even certain people at work who I know disapprove of me call me by dead name. Don't sell your needs short! Your family should have enough love for you to make this tiny adjustment.

I know it's hard for them
No, it's not that hard for them. It's entry level respect.
 

TonyaJanelle

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No, it's not that hard for them. It's entry level respect.
Yup. Anyone that says its too hard or you'll always be _____ to me, doesn't care enough to put in the effort to respect you.

I would say its a little different for ones children. I'm always going to be dad to them. I rather they don't call me that in public so not to draw unnecessary attention to me but at home it doesn't bother.
 

Linde

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My son calls me dad, if we are in a private setting, and Linde in public settings. I am fine with this.

Hugs
Linde
 

NicoleT

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@OzGirl ..... first of all I’m so sorry that you’re having to endure that. 18 months plus the major surgery you just had, is more than enough time to figure out exactly who you are now. I agree with @Moni this is entry level respect. It’s showing an effort. Honestly you’re not asking them for all that much.

The strange part with Mary is that she’s seemingly (by her actions) to be understanding. Sort of like.......
—I’m not gonna bother Allie with these things, because she does so many other things for me—-
Then she turns around and says it’s too complicated for you.1611508717939.png That’s being obtuse & ridiculous.

It just doesn’t make a lot of sense. To put all the effort in, to call somebody up, have them show up fix her bike, show her a few things about the bike, pay this person money, ect......No doubt you could have fixed it.
Truth is, that takes a lot of thought & effort to do this. I’d like to say to her, just how much a little tiny bit of thought & effort it would take, to simply help the person who’s been taking care of her for so many years.

I sure hope this changes, you are far too good and loving to everyone in your family, for them not to start to understand. You are also looking quite feminine these days. That dress on zoom, softer features coming through. No excuse left. Just keep trying, correct her if you have to. It’s simple respect.

Hugs
Nicole
 

OzGirl

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Thank you all! I have this strange, but very strong ethos in life where I never demand respect, and so I know that respect shown is genuine, and earned. In my former life I was humbled at the respect shown me. I think this has been a blessing and a curse. It has helped me gain support for my change of life, but it also prevents people from letting go who I was. I am proud to say that people in my industry still look to me for leadership, acknowledge my expertise. In our local dive community, I am kept as an honorary member of clubs, exempt from paying fees for boat charters, and they still look to me for representation to government.

Covid has also made things difficult, as most of my family have never actually met Allie! They know what I am going through, and we talk on the phone, but thir mental image is still of the dead me. 2 of my brothers don’t have computers, and don’t do e mail or internet as they don’t like new fangled things!

I didn’t choose this life, and never wanted to impose confusion on those close to me, but it happened. Given all the circumstances, I feel I need to allow more time for people to actually get to meet me, and maybe to know me, before I push to be addressed correctly. That’s just me.

Hugs,

Allie
 

NicoleT

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You will get there, I have all the faith in the world that you know what you’re talking about when you say it.
I really hope my colleagues will give me the same respect that yours have, an understanding that you’re still the same person, you have the same knowledge and they respect you for that. That’s is all I want for myself. Truth is my family outside of my kids, have a way to go on correct gendering too. None of them have gotten the name right yet.

I guess Patience is truly a virtue.

Hugs
 

OzGirl

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Just made an appointment for a consult for FFS in April! I am much more nervous about this than GRS! I had no choice in GRS, I had to have it, but I do have choice for FFS, and from what I have heard, there are a number of complications and recovery issues. I will be conservative in what I choose, given my age and the belief I will never be completely passable due to my upper body size, so this is just a personal want. Plenty of time to think about it before my consult....

Hugs,

Allie
 

NicoleT

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Never give up on being who you need to be. A consultation is just that, you will know from there.

Hugs
 

OzGirl

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So the rollercoaster dips again, this time a big one! Mary told me last night that she wants us to sell up and she is leaving to find a life away from me. I knew this was a real possibility, and I have been sort of incorporating it in my plans, but the reality has floored me. As I write this I have been awake for 37 hours straight. I just can't sleep. My mind is running madly, trying to grasp the implications. In 67 years on this planet, I have never lived on my own, and the thought terrifies me. My financial situation will change dramatically, with far less disposable assets and higher living costs, I have to review everything.

She made her decision 6 months ago, and decided to keep it to herself until after my GCS. If I had known I was to be on my own, I might have considered a full depth option to enhance my chances of finding a partner in the future. She has a history of changing her mind, lifting me up then crashing me down, so I told her this decision is final. I simply can't take the cruelty any more. So I lay awake all night, crying, getting angry, hating her, hating myself, crying, trying to figure our what this will mean, and where I will get the funds to pay her out, crying, trying to figure out if I earn enough to survive week to week, and crying. I am so over crying into my pillow. And she is almost exclusively why I do.

I have only told my son, Lexxi, and Moni, but I needed to rant more widely. It might lead to a more enjoyable life, but looking at my reduced financial status, ever shrinking possibilities to find another partner, and the lonliness I have never had to endure, I'm sorry if I am not enthusiastic about my future. This is a situation from my nightmares pre transition, and now I get to live it....

Hugs,

Allie
 

Kenna

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Oh, Allie, this is such a huge upheaval and so sad! I can only guess at imagining the emotional consequences. It's obviously huge! As I've said, if there's anything I can do to help please let me know. Anything from a phone call to physical stuff. Would getting out for a meal together be an idea? I'm flexible.

More positively, I have been living alone for a fair bit now and it is a much calmer and easy life that I've grown quite accustomed to and am in no rush to change. However, I'd also very much like to have a partner to share with, but recognise that while it'd have many great benefits it would also be a big emotional upheaval. It would almost certainly be a woman, either cis or trans, but I'm not planning on actively looking until after my bottom surgery, although one can never predict what might happen in the meantime. I've an appointment to discuss that with Andy Ives in late May and I need to make an appointment with Kieran Hart as well.

HUGS!
-Kenna
 

Madrhode

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Oh Allie, I am so sorry that this is happening. It is like our bad luck just keep switching from member to member, but remember after a low there wil be An up. I am here to listen and talk and I’ll make you laugh as best I can. You have been amazing and I couldn’t imagine my last few weeks to be awesome if my aussie sisters were not around. I love y’all now and I can only pull that you will get this hurdle cleared. Be strong, Maddy
 

OzGirl

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Thanks Kenna and Maddy! I know when times are tough, this is the place to come because of the awesome people here. I will get through this, but it's not what I hoped would happen. It's weird, just 2 weeks ago she got her whooping cough vaccination so she could be around my new grandson, but all the time she was planning to leave. False hope is over now, I have to find a way not to love her so I can say goodbye.

Hugs,

Allie
 

Linde

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Allie, as I said in a different location, you will come through this with shining colors.
Just remember, we love you, and are always here for you.

Hugs
Linde
 

Madrhode

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Thanks Kenna and Maddy! I know when times are tough, this is the place to come because of the awesome people here. I will get through this, but it's not what I hoped would happen. It's weird, just 2 weeks ago she got her whooping cough vaccination so she could be around my new grandson, but all the time she was planning to leave. False hope is over now, I have to find a way not to love her so I can say goodbye.

Hugs,

Allie
Yeah that is kind of a mental thing, but she may not want to be with you but still means she is still a good person and not wanting to give wooping cough to a kid. I would get it too because I what happens to us I wouldnt want to hurt the kid.. She is showing she is a good person just not a good partner for you.
 

TonyaJanelle

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Damn Allie I am so sorry to hear this. One the one hand her not telling you saved some stress during the lead up to surgery. But yeah, would have been nice to know and not have a bomb dropped on you like that.
You've been here for a lot of us, our time to be here here for you now.
 

KathyLauren

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Aw, hon, so sorry to hear this. That you kind-of expected it does not make the blow any less.

Hang in there. You are a good person and a strong woman. We are here for you if you need to cry or rant, but you will get through this.
 

Monica

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Allie, big hugs Sweetie! For just the present time, can you get something to help you get a little sleep? Everything looks impossible under conditions of no sleep. You need to get out of this cycle. As I expressed earlier, I'm so sorry for your pain, so sorry for the secrets that she kept. This is not the time you are ready to hear solutions perhaps, but know that things will work out. Change is scary, for sure. Let's keep talking, when you are ready, as to how things can work going forward. But for now, maybe contact your doctor and tell them of your sleep situation. Maybe your therapist could be of help as well. Love you!
 
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