OzGirl's Journey

[Confused]

Maybe have a friend go in and tell you when it is clear in the changing room and then they stand watch? I also like the swim dress.

Hugs,
Mike

 

[Kenna]

Allie, If you're going with other members of your team, I hope that they'd be able to back you up in the women's change room. Do you have a light wetsuit you could use? You could also check the time requirements for completing the session; if it's longer than 6 weeks you could be in luck, and merely complete it prior to returning to work after surgery.
Hugs,
-Kenna

 

[OzGirl]

I don’t have a problem down there as everything slips inside when I have my swim suit on, but I am 4 sizes bigger up top than down below and it doesn’t look female at all (think Chinese swimmer). I may be able to wear a t shirt over my swim suit and disguise some of it, but I will still be very self conscious....

Hugs,

Allie

 

[TonyaJanelle]

@OzGirl the few times I went swimming before my surgery I wore a swim shirt and swim shorts over a two piece. Two piece suits you can buy the pieces separately for the different sizes you might need.
I wore the suit underneath to stay tucked on bottom and even though there's not much there, it'd be a wet t-shirt on top.

 

[OzGirl]

Thanks Tonya! I have a 2 piece suit that I use when I run snorkelling classes, but under a wetsuit! I suppose the rolls of flab would distract some from my disproportionate body! I have a one peice which is the size in the middle of my size range, so it is barely snug at the bottom and quite tight up top. If I have to do this pool rescue session, I will just wear a t shirt to disguise things a bit, as we are supposed to be clothed for the rescue pracs anyway. There is a swim component which I might ditch the t shirt for as it is a lot of drag.

Interesting day today! I met with my surgeon and specialist nurse to go over final details, have a quick tour of the hospital ,and meet some of the staff. I didn’t get to see the theatre as it was being sterilised, but my room for the week looks ok, and there is an outside garden area I can use when able to walk freely. The new stuff included an extra night in hospital making my stay a full week! This has pros and cons, as I live 2 hours away, it might be helpful to have the extra days to be sure everything is ok before I go home, but I don’t think I am going to enjoy being in hospital that long! The other interesting thing is that because it is expected my state (Victoria) will be declared to have officiallly eliminated Covid tomorrow, the hospital will no longer require Covid tests prior to admission. That means neither my partner Mary or myself will need to isolate (although they did recommend limiting exposure to lots of people in the week before as I don’t need to pick up anything else either!)

I went to visit my daughter and grandsons after the hospital, and as usual we all thoroughly enjoyed it. This time I was able to go with my daughter and pick up my 6 year old from school, as he has requested it before. This was interesting as my daughter insists on calling me daddy, and when we got to the school, we met a few of the other parents. My daughter introduced me to them as her Dad, Allie. The amazing thing was nobody flinched, they greeted me as it was completely normal. I’m not sure if this is just the acceptance of the modern community in Australia, or they just didn’t know what else to do, but it seemed stress free for my daughter. It will be interesting to see if she or my grandson get any feedback in the near future.

Oh! When I was discussing pools and school visits with my partner, I reiterated that I would never avoid these life events as I was detemined never to let my transition prevent me from living a normal life. She surprised me and said I was the most courageous person she had ever met. Now that says a lot as one of her friends dived into a farm dam 4 days ago to cut 4 children out of a car which had gone into the dam after losing control. They were completely under murky water and 2 of the children drowned.

Hugs,

Allie

 

[Donica]

@OzGirl I am saddened to hear of the two children that drowned. But glad to hear everything else is going well.

 

[NancyBalik]

Glad to hear your wife recognizes your courage. Your struggle has encompassed years, not “just” one event. I, too, admire, your strength. Nancy

 

[OzGirl]

Thank you Donica and Nancy! I never feel that courageous as I did my best to hide from my true self for almost a lifetime, and only started to live my true life when it was obvious I couldn't survive in my old one! Her comment surprised me, but applies to all of us who take on this challenge! I had another round of electrolysis today, including top lip, and with no numbing or pain killers! That's the closest I come to courage!

Hugs,

Allie

 

[NicoleT]

@OzGirl .....you host Zoom...now that’s pure courage!!.....Lol..

I so enjoy reading of your life, even when I don't comment. It’s sort of like a good book. You know the characters, the star of the story very well, the others by description only, but you still can imagine each of the scenes, what they sound like and the background that is presented. As each chapter unfolds, more and more the colors become vivid. The magical wonders of the world down under. ( still not sure how you live upside down though.......lol) The really great part is, as the story develops, I can also see the hero’s courageous acts and understand just how brave she really is. I agree with her partner. Her tenaciousness inspires me as I look towards yet another chapter.

The snapshots into your life are great. Knowing the real Allie is even better. Don’t ever get it twisted, The fortitude it takes to go through this journey should be considered awe inspiring and brave. So many times being courageous is made as a synonym to fearlessness. It’s simply not true, no one who goes through this is fearless. Being dauntless in spite of the fear is what makes you brave. A last second act to save children is amazing in everyway, but to continuously fight against that fear every day and still go through with it .....is true GUTS.

Im glad you got to see the facility and you’re getting a comfort level with the next step. As Covid seems to rage on here, hearing your cases are now zero, is pretty amazing. Your safety is very important to me. Let me encourage you further by simply saying, I know you’re going to get through this and things are going to go well, you deserve that happiness.

Hugs
Nicole

 

[OzGirl]

@NicoleT , you know how this is a rolercoaster ride, well last night Mary admitted that she will never accept my transition, or me as a woman. She has been nervous for days as the school she works at sent their year 7 classes to visit the marine centre I work at and she worried one of the staff would recognise me, and say something to others at her school. She is so ashamed of me she feels she might need to leave the school she works at.

She said a bunch of other stuff, but I had shut down and just didn’t hear it. I just went to bed and cried into my pillow again. So today sometime I have to revisit the conversation I missed, but given the way she has been excluding me more and more from her life lately, this is not going to go well. I think I will be on my own sometime next year.

Hugs,

Allie

 

[NicoleT]

@NicoleT , you know how this is a rolercoaster ride, well last night Mary admitted that she will never accept my transition, or me as a woman. She has been nervous for days as the school she works at sent their year 7 classes to visit the marine centre I work at and she worried one of the staff would recognise me, and say something to others at her school. She is so ashamed of me she feels she might need to leave the school she works at.

She said a bunch of other stuff, but I had shut down and just didn’t hear it. I just went to bed and cried into my pillow again. So today sometime I have to revisit the conversation I missed, but given the way she has been excluding me more and more from her life lately, this is not going to go well. I think I will be on my own sometime next year.

Hugs,

Allie

That breaks my heart......I hate that she can recognize how brave you are for what you’re doing, but also realize that she’s not brave enough to stand by you. Tough getting over the shame that comes with this
( which we all know is not even a reasonable shame)....there is nothing shameful, this is honestly the reality of the situation were responding to to save our lives. I had always thought maybe she would come around and see that the true you has always been there and always will be.

I feel so bad you had to feel this. Trust me I’ve gotten to be an expert at the sobbing into the pillow thing, I don’t wish that on anyone. Hang in there, this is never over till it is, but know you are the doing the right thing. None of this is your fault. We love you Allie.

Big Hugs
Nicole

 

[TonyaJanelle]

@NicoleT , you know how this is a rolercoaster ride, well last night Mary admitted that she will never accept my transition, or me as a woman. She has been nervous for days as the school she works at sent their year 7 classes to visit the marine centre I work at and she worried one of the staff would recognise me, and say something to others at her school. She is so ashamed of me she feels she might need to leave the school she works at.

She said a bunch of other stuff, but I had shut down and just didn’t hear it. I just went to bed and cried into my pillow again. So today sometime I have to revisit the conversation I missed, but given the way she has been excluding me more and more from her life lately, this is not going to go well. I think I will be on my own sometime next year.

Hugs,

Allie

So sorry, Allie. That's just plain awful.

 

[OzGirl]

Thank you for your support Nicole and Tonya. We completed the discussion with no real outcome, but the direction is not good. I noted her previous unwillingness to do things with me, so this isn’t really a surprise, just a confirmation of my fears. Nothing will change in the immediate future, but I know things won’t improve. It’s not just Mary, but my daughter and two of my brothers cannot ever accept my change, and to an extent, me also.

There seems to be nothing I can do but just keep on living as I must. This whole transition thing sucks, but it’s the lot I have been given, so I just have to make the best of it. Even if my grandkids continue to call me Poppy, they love me unreservedly, so what more can I ask for.

Hugs,

Allie

 

[Kenna]

Allie, That is so hard! I can only try to imagine how bad that feels. She has hung in there with you so far, so I just hope that can continue with this just being a bump in the road.
I think that you have my number; if not, PM me. Call anytime.
From Christmas week I'll also be pretty flexible in time/travel availability.
Big hugs!
-Kenna

 

[OzGirl]

Allie, That is so hard! I can only try to imagine how bad that feels. She has hung in there with you so far, so I just hope that can continue with this just being a bump in the road.
I think that you have my number; if not, PM me. Call anytime.
From Christmas week I'll also be pretty flexible in time/travel availability.
Big hugs!
-Kenna

Kenna, thank you so much! You are a true friend! My relationship with Mary through transition was always shaky, as she always said she couldn’t accept it. She did at times commit to us staying together , but it is clear that would be no more than housemates, and for financial reasons. Nothing should change in the near future. I can just concentrat on my kids and operation for now, and see what 2021 delivers.

Hugs,

Allie

 

[Randi]

Just saw this. So very sorry Allie. I have a pretty good idea of what that feels like and it's not pleasant. Kristin is making more of an effort to be tolerant these days, but she is no closer to seeing me as anything but a man, and I am pretty sure things will go to pot fast whenever I start presenting more feminine. But we will see. Good luck to you honey. You are such a truly sweet woman. I hope 2021 is very, very good to you.

 

[OzGirl]

Thank you Randi, Mary is tolerant, just not accepting, and it seems will never be. We are growing apart, but still friends. Financially, it benefits us both to keep living together, but we are doing our own things. It sucks, and I miss the loving relationship we had, but I know it could be much worse.

She made a comment that I was courageous, but she meant that I had courage pretending to be a woman in public, where she imagines most would be embarrassed for me like she is. I guess it would be the case for some who think like her, but most of the public just ignore me, and those I interact with don’t give any indication they are embarrassed for me.

Hugs,

Allie

 

[OzGirl]

Almost down to 3 weeks pre op, and I am starting to wake up through the night and think about it. What if I don't get a reduction in dysphoria? Will this change Mary's opinion of me for better or worse? Am I going to have regrets? Is all this confusion because I have stopped my oral oestrogen? All I know is the there is some inevitable force pushing me to do this, and no matter what obstacles come up, I just overcome them and go on, I just couldn't stop!

After a tense discussion recently, Mary has been complimenting me lots. She tells me my face is now more feminine than masculine, my butt and legs look great in jeggings, and my breasts are becoming more prominent as I lose weight. It's lovely to get compliments, but confusing to get them from somebody who has just admitted they can never accept me... Why does this have to be so confusing?

I am my own worst critic, and even I am seeing a more feminine me lately. All my diving buddies are posting wonderful images on fb, reminding me of yet another price I am paying. I am just living for my kids and grandkids. My new grandchild was in the breach position, with just 3 weeks to go, and they successfully turned the baby last Wednesday so we can aim for a natural birth in less than 2 weeks!!! This is more exciting than my pending op! I had my 3 grandsons stay with me this last weekend, and interrupting my zooms, but I love them so much! My 2 year old climbed up on me and gave me the biggest hug, saying I love you Poppy, which made me cry. It was a moment I will remember forever!

I am comfortably within my 28 BMI range, but I want to lose more weight pre op, but it is so hard leading up to Xmas. Every couple of days amazing food is offered to me, and I struggle to resist. I am running around arranging blood tests, final electrolysis, hair, and waxing sessions. I am starting to organise my hospital bag and have the supplies of salt and pads put away for post op! I have pre paid my surgeon and anaesthetist fees, and am organising to pick up prescriptions and groceries to get me through the month after surgery. I have checklists everywhere!

Last Friday was my last working day until March, but there is not much time to rest in the next couple of weeks! I am going to semi isolate for the first 5 days of January, avoiding contact with people, but continuing my daily walks and bike rides. New Years Eve will be very quiet for me this year. I hope all this is worth it.....

Hugs,

Allie

 

[Linde]

Allie, it seems that many get this pre-op blues, and question whether it is really the right thing to do.
Heck, I even had it prior to my vocal cord surgery, because like with SRs, a certain outcome is not guarantied. Now I am in the healing phase, but still don't know what my final voice will be like.
And after SRS it also takes a while to know how the final looks of the parts will be. But as long as you do everything the way it is requested, the outcome will be positive. I think it also will do good for your dysphoria, because you will be as close as possible to represent the woman you always wanted to be.
And you better do well, because I will be watching you and follow on your heals as close as possible getting my surgery done. You will be my be my leading light!


Hugs
Linde

 

[OzGirl]

Allie, it seems that many get this pre-op blues, and question whether it is really the right thing to do.
Heck, I even had it prior to my vocal cord surgery, because like with SRs, a certain outcome is not guarantied. Now I am in the healing phase, but still don't know what my final voice will be like.
And after SRS it also takes a while to know how the final looks of the parts will be. But as long as you do everything the way it is requested, the outcome will be positive. I think it also will do good for your dysphoria, because you will be as close as possible to represent the woman you always wanted to be.
And you better do well, because I will be watching you and follow on your heals as close as possible getting my surgery done. You will be my be my leading light!


Hugs
Linde

Linde, I never had a doubt it is the right thing to do, but I do have doubts that my dysphoria will be significantly reduced after it. My only real need from this surgery is to get rid of the residual offending flesh I have down there, and the results of the reconstruction for me are very secondary. Nobody is going to see it, and I doubt I will need to play with it, so how it looks and performs are low priorities for me. For me to be close to the woman I need to be would require ovaries and a uterus, everything else is secondary. So I am almost guaranteed to be satisfied with the surgical aspects, given my expectations, but as it won't be anywhere close to what I need to feel complete, I'm not sure if it will significantly affect my dysphoria.

I know, I'm different....

Hugs,

Allie