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Donna

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I need some advise.

I am volunteering at a thrift shop and the manager and the workers only know me as Donna. I am worried that someday, somehow, at least the manager might find out that I am trans, maybe if she was thinking about giving me more responsibility and having a background check on me.

Also one of the ladies there that I am friends with sits with me at church and there are other people at church that know that I am trans.

There are other possibilities in other places where they don't know, so my question is, how do I live with this situation of being stealth in some parts of my life and of course, at my condo everyone knows my former life.

I'm just getting going starting a new life at 75 years old after my wife left me and being alone has caused me to get out there with new people and trying to make friends.

Donna
 

OzGirl

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Donna, this is always awkward. You should just be able to be yourself, but practically, this can cause problems. If the thrift shop is one where there are fitting rooms for customers to try on clothes, it may cause the manager trouble if you were ever asked to help a female customer, and at some stage they found out you are trans. I would assume at some point someone who knows you might visit the thrift shop, but why would they out you? I would tend to assess the manager and guess if they would support you, and then let them know. They would feel deceived if someone else tells them, but might just stick up for you if they already know.

I hope you can remain at that thrift shop!

Hugs,

Allie
 

Donna

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Donna, this is always awkward. You should just be able to be yourself, but practically, this can cause problems. If the thrift shop is one where there are fitting rooms for customers to try on clothes, it may cause the manager trouble if you were ever asked to help a female customer, and at some stage they found out you are trans. I would assume at some point someone who knows you might visit the thrift shop, but why would they out you? I would tend to assess the manager and guess if they would support you, and then let them know. They would feel deceived if someone else tells them, but might just stick up for you if they already know.

I hope you can remain at that thrift shop!

Hugs,

Allie
Allie, I don't think the fitting room thing would happen but I have wondered if I should let the manager know. The shop is run by a church that is totally LGBT accepting, so there would be no implications from the manager if she knew but she likes me so much as a woman.

I get compliments from her about my appearance, and I would hate for her to think of the man in me and I am so enjoying being treated like one of the girls there. She would not out me to the others but I don't want her to have the idea that she knew I was not 100% woman.

It's a delema.

Donna
 

Katie

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It's difficult for anyone to tell you what to do, as this is a decision that is very personal for every individual.

If I were in your shoes, I would not disclose anything unless a situation arose that required it. But, again, this is a matter of your comfort and not mine.
 

TonyaJanelle

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Unless there's a reason they might need to know, I'd say don't deny if someone asks you but there's not a need to offer that info either. Possibly the manager so that they could have your back if ever there was an issue. That would probably be easier for them if they knew ahead of time instead of finding out because an issue arose.
 

Linde

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Donna, I think you should do your name and legal gender change as soon as possible. Once that is done, it is safer to be stealth. Until than I would inform the manager about my situation.
It is also hard to be stealth as long as you are married, cause any check would discover this, and your wife could expose you.

Hugs
Linde
 
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Linde

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To say a little more for the gender change, you must either have two letters, one from your therapist (Eva knows what to write), and one from your treating doctor (PPH) for this, or you must have had at least an orchi (this is the official procedure to not be a man anymore - you could not enter the military, even if you present as a man. Men need balls!), and have the surgeon state this.

Name change in Florida is a court thing, you fill in some forms, get a background check done by the state police (apply for at your local sheriff office). The police sends the result to the court directly, while you go to the clerk of court and file your name change application, with a proof that the background check was initiated. They set a court date, and depending on the difficulties they find, you have to be in front of the judge in person to argue your case, or you are lucky and it is decided in absence, and the ruling is mailed to you.


Hugs
LInde
 

KathyLauren

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I don’t volunteer the information that I am trans, but I don’t deny it if asked. I can’t live stealth: I’ve done too much hiding in my life. I’m all done with that. But it is surprising how few people need to know.
 

Donna

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I really appreciate everyone's advice. What I would like to see if anyone here is in the actual situation I am in, in other words, being out as transgender to your friends and family and also have experience with other groups that only know you only as a woman, not a transgender woman.

I started contact with another group today, joining a group of ladies playing tennis on a regular basis. Everything went really well and I was accepted as just another woman. We all exchanged phone numbers. The people at the tennis center knew me before and I am using my last name when registering for a court. This is getting complicated.

I agree with Linde that a name change might help a little but these places don't ask for a drivers license. I guess I will have to deal with exposure as it happens and hope for the best. Since I'm full time only 5 1/2 months, I'm not sure why, but I'm hesitating on the name change.

It might be because if I did, my wife might want a divorce. That would have huge future financial implications where both of us would lose access to the others assets in the case of death. I created my own golden chain. In any case I don't think a legal name change would help anything in these mainly social situations.

I am not ready for a legal gender change either. Again I'm not sure if that would affect the social situations.

I have never applied for anything and then my wife had to verify it, has anybody else?

Donna
 

Linde

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Donna, II think your wife is holding you hostage! It was first the fulltime thing, she said she would divorce you, and now it is the name change. The two of you can make civil contract to keep the financial stuff in line.
I decided to do everything, because of my concern of being in a police control, and having an ID that does not match my appearance.

And last year it made a lot of flying way easier.

Hugs
LInde.
 

Monica

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I really appreciate everyone's advice. What I would like to see if anyone here is in the actual situation I am in, in other words, being out as transgender to your friends and family and also have experience with other groups that only know you only as a woman, not a transgender woman.

I started contact with another group today, joining a group of ladies playing tennis on a regular basis. Everything went really well and I was accepted as just another woman. We all exchanged phone numbers. The people at the tennis center knew me before and I am using my last name when registering for a court. This is getting complicated.

I agree with Linde that a name change might help a little but these places don't ask for a drivers license. I guess I will have to deal with exposure as it happens and hope for the best. Since I'm full time only 5 1/2 months, I'm not sure why, but I'm hesitating on the name change.

It might be because if I did, my wife might want a divorce. That would have huge future financial implications where both of us would lose access to the others assets in the case of death. I created my own golden chain. In any case I don't think a legal name change would help anything in these mainly social situations.

I am not ready for a legal gender change either. Again I'm not sure if that would affect the social situations.

I have never applied for anything and then my wife had to verify it, has anybody else?

Donna
Being stealth is what I try to do in public. I don't tell new people at my work. They may find out, but I feel no compunction to tell anyone on a casual basis. If you go stealth, there are certain pressures with that. At some point questions come up. "Are you married? Is your' husband' close by?" All kinds of questions that don't fit with the history of your life. It is a choice that you will have to make at some point if you get close to them. I have made a choice of compromise. If people know, they know. I don't feel like I should have to wear a sign around my neck saying 'trans girl.' What is your comfort level of creating an alternate reality of your past?
 

Donna

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Being stealth is what I try to do in public. I don't tell new people at my work. They may find out, but I feel no compunction to tell anyone on a casual basis. If you go stealth, there are certain pressures with that. At some point questions come up. "Are you married? Is your' husband' close by?" All kinds of questions that don't fit with the history of your life. It is a choice that you will have to make at some point if you get close to them. I have made a choice of compromise. If people know, they know. I don't feel like I should have to wear a sign around my neck saying 'trans girl.' What is your comfort level of creating an alternate reality of your past?
Moni I appreciate your input. Yes that is happening. When I tell people that I am newly separated they ask who left and I have to say "he did", which is a lie. Any other questions about that are answered by saying I would rather not talk about it, which is reasonable.
Also, my career was an an engineer which is mainly a male job but when asked about what did I answer that I was in research for a Fortune 500 company , which I was.

As we are all very practiced at hiding things all of our lives it is not hard to do. Maybe it comes with being trans!

Donna
 

Donna

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Donna, II think your wife is holding you hostage! It was first the fulltime thing, she said she would divorce you, and now it is the name change. The two of you can make civil contract to keep the financial stuff in line.
I decided to do everything, because of my concern of being in a police control, and having an ID that does not match my appearance.

And last year it made a lot of flying way easier.

Hugs
LInde.
Linde, no she is not holding me hostage, everything I say is not from her. It's from my mind because I my attachment to her.

She has been nothing but kind and thankful to me when we do have to communicate.

I am the kind of person that is slow and deliberate when I comes to major life decisions, no quick actions that can't be taken back.

Donna
 

KimOct

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I have a less popular view and it is somewhat opinionated. I firmly believe in being out. There is nothing to be ashamed about who we are and I am proud that I have the courage to openly live it.

The only way we will become accepted is if other people get comfortable with us and realize we are people of value too.

Obviously my view is not right for everyone but for me the more of us 'out' in the world the sooner the world will change.
 

TonyaJanelle

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I have a less popular view and it is somewhat opinionated. I firmly believe in being out. There is nothing to be ashamed about who we are and I am proud that I have the courage to openly live it.

The only way we will become accepted is if other people get comfortable with us and realize we are people of value too.

Obviously my view is not right for everyone but for me the more of us 'out' in the world the sooner the world will
I'm not ashamed of being trans and won't deny it if asked. I'm also a lesbian, so will say wife if asked about my spouse. I'm also not going to offer more info than needed though.
 

Confused

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Moni I appreciate your input. Yes that is happening. When I tell people that I am newly separated they ask who left and I have to say "he did", which is a lie. Any other questions about that are answered by saying I would rather not talk about it, which is reasonable.
Also, my career was an an engineer which is mainly a male job but when asked about what did I answer that I was in research for a Fortune 500 company , which I was.

As we are all very practiced at hiding things all of our lives it is not hard to do. Maybe it comes with being trans!

Donna

Donna you are right. Some of us have hidden things from ourselves as well as others for decades. It is a cycle that is harder for some of us to break more than others. We learned from an early age it wasn't in our best interest to show who we really are.

Hugs,
Mike
 

Linde

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I am pretty open that I am intersex. A lot of people are in awe about it, because they imagine me to be this real hermaphrodite who can do herself (that's what I guess).
I also tell anybody who wants to know that I started my job carrier as an electrical engineer and went to med school after that.
I talk about my former wife as my ex, and leave it open to the imagination if she was a he or a she.


Hugs
Linde
 

Linde

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. We learned from an early age it wasn't in our best interest to show who we really are.

Hugs,
Mike
Mike that might be the difference. I was not able to hide that I was different, because my body clearly showed that I was not a "real" guy, and i learned to live with this, and could not hide it.

Hugs
Linde
 

Donica

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Donna, like a number of others in this thread have stated, I don't offer that information, but depending on the circumstances, I wouldn't deny it either, unless it would be harmful to my well-being. My take on this issue is, we've been hiding and living in fear for so many years that when we finally come out, it is a huge weight lifted off our shoulders. Not having to hide our identities any longer is a huge release of the anxiety we all lived with. Going completely stealth seems to be detrimental to our mental and physical health, putting us right back in a similar closet. Not offering our trans status up front is essentially a form of stealth, but without the stress of continued hiding. All the years trapped in that closet was so devastating to me that I could never see myself going back into hiding. But that's just me. You have your reasons and needs, and it is ultimately your decision.
 

Monica

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As we are all very practiced at hiding things all of our lives it is not hard to do. Maybe it comes with being trans!
Donna, having lived the lie so long, it hate it. I'm so weary of lying. I now have to lie about my sexual orientation. It's driving me crazy. I do so because of my kids. Let's face it, how do you tell your grown kids anything related to their parents sexuality? My old job is something that would raise eyebrows too. How many female auto techs are out there. I agree with Kim generally, it is a highly personal choice. We can be an advocate for being trans. There is also nothing wrong with keeping any personal information personal. Something to think about. People may have a very different reaction to hiding your true self and then finding out, to say, starting a new narrative of your earlier life and finding out it is different then the historical record. This the reason many disclose their past before intimate relations with someone else. Very sadly and pathetically, in some states it is still a legal defense for murder, "I didn't know they were trans." Well, extreme example, but one of consequences for not being open. Know you are not there. Let's face it, being trans isn't simple.
 
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