Nicole’s Poems, songs and other ridiculousness from inside my mind

[NicoleT]

Welcome to my poem thread. I’m inventing this thread so I have a place to put some of the poems and songs that I have written over time. If you can relate to them would you like them fantastic. If you don’t that’s OK too because they write them for myself. I just figured this was a pretty good place to store them. So you know I’ve probably written somewhere around 800 or 900 songs or poems through all my life and like Allie, I’ve also written a little bit of trans fiction. This thread will just concentrate mostly on poems about my current feelings, past feelings and transgender related stuff. My first one is my denial poem. Something all of us go through. This one is extremely personal because it’s a synopsis or Cliff Notes of my life.

The Transgender Quitter (ode to the life of Nicole)


I gave this up at first when I found out as a kid it was wrong

Then I didn’t

I gave this up again when my mom caught me wearing pantyhose

Then I didn’t

I gave this up next when I found out at school it made me a sissy

Then I didn’t

I gave this up once more finding out it made me a pervert

Then I didn’t

I gave this up for real this time when I got a girlfriend

Then I didn’t

I gave this up after my first sexual experience

Then I didn’t

I gave this up as it’s time to be a man and go to college

Then I didn’t

I gave this up for good when I got raped by someone in my sleep

Then I didn’t

I gave this up because Im moving in with a girl now

Then I didn’t

I gave this up when I moved back home to get my life together

Then I didn’t

I gave this up again realizing it made me a disgusting pervert

Then I didn't

I gave this up when I got engaged

Then I didn’t

I gave this up when I got married

Then I didn’t

I gave this up as my daughter was born

Then I didn’t

I gave this up because my wife got sick

Then I didn’t

I gave this up when my wife found my herbs & creams

Then I didn’t

I gave this up now that she knows the rape led me to do this

Then I didn’t

I gave this up for my new baby boy

Then I didn’t

I gave this up thinking my wife will leave me

Then I didn’t

I gave this up when I found religion

Then I didn’t

I gave this up for real because it’s wrong in the eyes of God

Then I didn’t

I gave this up whether God cares about this or not

Then I didn’t

I gave this up for myself, don’t need God

Then I didn’t

I gave this up as I broke down & tried illegal hormones

Then I didn’t

I gave this up because these hormones are actually changing me

Then I didn’t

I gave this up knowing my wife will leave me

Then I didn’t

I gave this up after bad reaction telling my wife

Then I didn’t

I gave this up thinking how this will destroy my life and cause chaos

Then I didn’t

I gave this up after a long fight with my wife again

Then I didn’t

I gave this up for my kids they can’t know

Then I didn’t

I gave this up after losing my wife

Then I didn’t

I gave this up now due to my job never accepting this

Then I didn’t

I gave this up again because it’s just too hard

Then I didn’t

I gave this up for sure, it’s just terrifying to do

Then I didn’t

I gave this up ......because....I ....can’t stop

Then I didn’t


I just .....GIVE UP........I accept this is me.

Then ........the first sign of peace is felt

 

[NicoleT]

OK today ......I am going to put on one of my songs, sometimes it’s hard to hear it without the melody in your head, but I think my emotions come through. Once again this is a personal song, it was written for me.
I’m sharing these in the hopes that maybe somebody else can feel they’re not alone.

TRUE SPIRIT


Thought Id give up on my life..over 2 years ago

Simple, fast gone with no clue

I started up the car, my phone and the radio

Anything to escape the thoughts of you



What is happening to me?

He’s crazy they’ll say

How can I move on from this life

I wont breathe



Cause it’s not an evil ghost

Come to take away my life

It’s the true spirit of me inside

I can now let her out

Complete the person that I am

It’s the true spirit of me inside



The TV news is all about

True suffering and death

So many dying of disease and greed

How could I just be gone

Another statistic without a voice

All I am is simply a person with a need



What has happened to me?

I guess crazy I’ll be

No, I can’t move on from this world

I cant breathe



Cause it’s not an evil ghost

Come to take away my life

It’s the true spirit of me inside

I can now let her out

Complete the person that I am

It’s the true spirit of me inside



Was it fear or embarrassment

That made me give up inside

Neither one is stronger than love

Love of ones self, the others around

and the family that would miss you most

Teaches Love can conquer all, free of



It has happened to me!

She’s Not crazy at all

Going to emerge new in this world

I can breathe



Cause it’s not an evil ghost

Come to take away my life

It’s the true spirit of me inside

I can now let her out

Complete the person that I am

It’s the true spirit of me inside



Don’t give up

( you can go survive)

Don’t give up

( you can go survive)