Nicole’s neurotic Notebook

[NicoleT]

You made the cake, I think you could make them a prototype.

Do you know what you’re right..... I just put my money where my mouth is.

I just designed us a trans pride Oreo cookie( no joke I actually did .....see the picture)

 

[NicoleT]

I’m at work, on my lunch break although I think I’ve only got one more to do today. One of those miserable rainy days to be outside. I’m so burned out of work right now .

My daughter came down to visit for a couple of days, she actually leaves tonight. It’s been nice having her around the house. I should feel great. Be in a really good mood. I keep thinking of all that I’ve accomplished and reasons I should be happy. I’ve just gotten all my documents in the mail. I’m all lined up (the week after next) to get my drivers license taken care of. And I’m officially out as my self in the world all the time. I’m living the dream, but something is missing.

These waves of depression are just crushing me.

Feels like I should be celebratory. I should be dancing. Instead I just feel like this pure mental and physical exhaustion. Sure not everything is perfect either. Life garbage is always gonna get you.

.I’m back to fighting my weight again, it’s not been going well. There adding another person into my job category at work which is going to change things a bit. It may restrict the amount of money I can make. They are also moving my territory slightly. Overall I think I could go anywhere and do what I do if I could just learn to actually have a voice.

I have to face facts in order for me to get bottom surgery done or any other surgery it will be a financial burden I can’t handle. My insurance is not exactly being helpful. My voice is just not good enough it has not been and still continues not to be. Now when you talk to many people a day as I do, I need my voice to be decent enough to be able to sell. My confidence in my voice is not exactly very high.

The other issue that’s now eating me up, is that I am getting very close to one year anniversary of the night it happened. The date itself shouldn’t mean anything, but my feeling of her loss is crippling. I just feel so lonely all the time. I miss her so much.The pain of never seeing my wife again never gets better. God I wish this Covid thing would just go away, so I can at least travel. I need to see some people. Go visit friends, do anything to take my mind off this. Ok now I’m just carrying on and on. It’s time to end lunch.

——-

 

[Lexxi]

Ms. Nicole I'm so sorry that you're having a hard time. I've been in the same boat the past couple of weeks. But you know what? You're WAY stronger than you think you are. You've accomplished more than you could have ever imagined just two years ago. I'm soooooooo impressed by you. That's why you're my role model. You've had a big impact on my transition. You made me think all of this transition business is something I could actually do.

So you hang in there and turn that smile upside...even if you have to stand on your head to do it. You deserve to be happy and I know you can put yourself in that position. You have tons of friends and we're all pulling for you!!!

 

[Linde]

Nicole, please talk to Tallulah about what she feels can be done with, and about your voice. She pretty much knows already what your problem is, and she might be able to do some online stuff with you.
You are almost there girl, you just need some more tweaking and learn to do properly breathing techniques!


Hugs
Linde

 

[Kenna]

My voice is just not good enough it has not been and still continues not to be. Now when you talk to many people a day as I do, I need my voice to be decent enough to be able to sell. My confidence in my voice is not exactly very high.

Nicole, I think your voice is great! Maybe specialists can see room for improvement but for talking to customers and with us on zooms, to me, it sounds entirely feminine.

As for feeling flat, I know that feeling too well. One of the things I've been battling with for a long time is a very restricted range of emotions, neither high not very low. Sometimes I even feel a bit envious of people with bipolar disorder (not the extreme variety!) While you clearly feel the lows, the benefit of that is that when the highs come, you can also celebrate that, even though it might be a bit restricted at the moment. The motivation to celebrate will return!
Hugs,
-Kenna

 

[NicoleT]

Thank you everyone I appreciate the supportI’ve messages. I guess things tend to catch up to me sometimes. The loss of my wife will always haunt me. Work will always annoy me. And I’m never naturally going to be a female so I’m gonna have to work on this. Luckily legally I am a female. I spoke to a few friends late night last night made me feel a little bit better. Also, I’m texting back-and-forth with Lexxi was also nice lately.

Ive really learned a lot of lessons about this .......one of them is that even though you’re going through it and nobody can go through it for you, all the support from others allows you to not go through this alone. Everyone needs that. Those little boosts of confidence from time to time mean the world. For me put me back on track. Let’s face it when I finally get the drivers license taken care of ( next Monday) and all of my documents refer to me as Nicole, lots of things will keep me busy. I still have the voice to work on, electrolysi, my weight to work with, looking for a future job within my company and of course continuing to fight my insurance company. I don’t play if they don’t pay.

So far, I at least worked up a fighters chance to appeal to them. My consultation with the Crane Center, happens in June, I’ve heard they helped fight with insurance companies also. @Lexxi put out that link so we can get certified letters for free, no doubt that will be helpful.

Let’s see if I have a letter from my counselor, a certified counselor and my endocrinologist.

Who knows with my insurance company if I’m going to convince them......I may need a couple of letters from my family, friends, my electro sadist, my boss at work , my hairstylist, nail tech, Ulta customer service rep, my pizza guy, my plumber, lawn guy, neighbors ( maybe fruit basket guy ) the guy I buy coffee from, a mechanic, an electrician, and dog groomer. ( I don’t even own a dog anymore ) Hey I’ll give them a book of letters, just so they listen. I can even go out and get letters from a priest, a pastor and a rabbi. ( sounds like a joke starting)

Obviously I’m being a little bit silly, but this isn’t a bad idea. OK my only day off for the week as usual. Need to get up and do something. See if I can build some confidence up heading back into work tomorrow.

Hugs
Nicole

 

[Kenna]

Hi Nicole, A bit, no, thoroughly off-topic, but as the music guru amongst us, I presume that you probably know of Michael Gudinski, a very high profile Australian promoter, but have you heard that he unexpectedly died in his sleep last night? Yesterday, your time. He was only 68! Anyway, it's huge news here. He founded Mushroom Records and launched the careers of many now very famous Australian musicians. He also managed the Australian tours of many very high-profile overseas musicians and was widely loved and respected.
Cheers,
-Kenna

 

[Melanierose]

My motto. If you’re good at your job and a nice person. You know what your telling about so you’ll be ok what ever the voice.
I get double takes on building sites. But I know what I’m talking about.
I find I am actually memorable and people remember my name. So take it as a bonus.
hugs. Mel and chickens. Cluck cluck

 

[NicoleT]

@Melanierose .... yeah I think the voice thing is really going to be a confidence. Most of the time people seem to listen without a thought. And I’m starting to get more and more comfortable with the voice every day. It’s just gonna take time nothing is an overnight success.

@Kenna .... no I did not hear that he died. I do know the name. He is the main promoter for Kylie Minogue. I ran across her years ago in my radio days. He’s also promoted various other acts that I know that are American also. I believe Bruce Springsteen worked with him.

So it’s an interesting day at work they switched my area around a little bit, as they’ve added another person into our group of inspectors. He’s worked at other places before and he knows the job, but he’s just trying to get to know everybody. We had a brief conversation got along quite well. Then when I texted him later he said “I don’t know who this is you’re not on the list.” I found out he was sent a list with my dead name on it. I had to tell him this is Nicole and I’m sorry they don’t have me on the list. He then asked who Steve was. I said there is no more Steve and left it at that. Turns out my last name was also on this list.....so he’s a bit confused how I have the same last name as a person who doesn’t work here.

Now, I could explain it to him but do I really want to do that to every single person I meet. My god this is his first day. I just simply wanted to be known as a woman he works with. Everything has been corrected now but who knows where that conversations going to go in the future. I don’t mind that he knows I’m trans, but I’d rather him to get to know me for who I am and not who I was. Otherwise today’s been a thoroughly garbage like day I’m hoping to end in a really good way. I’ve got details on the way later on.....

Hugs
Nicole

 

[Linde]

Nicole, I would have reacted like you did. I tell people my background only if they need to know, I am mostly 100% stealth. Some trans women carry their transness around like a banner, and it is up to them.

Hugs
Linde

 

[NicoleT]

So I thought it would be a nice surprise...... turns out security is better than I thought. I just got done driving two hours from Waco to the other side of Austin to try to visit @Madrhode after her GCS & BA surgery. I was going to surprise her with a big teddy bear and a card. They shut me down at the door. I did get a chance to talk to her quickly on the phone, to tell her I was outside, but no dice. What was cool though is I got a nurse to bring the bear to her. So I get to listen to her reaction on the phone. She seemed happy. That made me smile.
Either way I tried. I’m just happy everything was successful and now she’s resting as the beautiful strong woman she is. Rest up sis.

I was wearing my mask, told them I’d wear a gown, gloves and shoe covers......they didn’t buy it. Oh well...

Hugs
Nicole

 

[Madrhode]

Thank you Nicole lots of @NicoleT off to bed again!

 

[Lexxi]

The two posts above just go to show everyone why our little Refuge is such a good thing. If it weren't for the forum then Nicole wouldn't even know who Maddy is, and Maddy wouldn't have received that sweet little bear.

I'm so thankful for Trans Refuge!!

 

[OzGirl]

You are AWESOME Nicole!!! Such a nice thing to do, but more importantly, you didn't get angey at your inconvenience, but made the effort to get the teddy to @Maddy and hear her response! I second what @Lexxi said, but want to add just how amazing the people in our little Refuge are!!

Love,

Allie

 

[Confused]

Nicole, YOU ARE AMAZING! You are another example of why I consider this forum my home.

Hugs,
Mike

 

[NicoleT]

Hey I appreciate everybody saying nice things about me ( thank you) but this is @Madrhode day. She deserved the effort and the cute Teddy. I’m just happy another one of us has come through surgery finding our way to the other side. I’m so excited for her.

Maddie....... I hope you enjoy the bear, it’s as soft to you as it was to me, and it gives you comfort over the next few days of recover. Like the card said you are “strong “ and amazing. I look forward to your recovery. Sweet dreams tonight.

Hugs
Nicole

 

[Donica]

@NicoleT, that was so sweet of you. Having such a big heart is just one of the reasons why we love you. Would you bring me a cute teddy bear when I go in?

Hugs!

 

[Monica]

So, as you were masked, Nicole, you couldn't grin and bear it, you just bear'ed it?

 

[NicoleT]

Kind of crazy how every day there seems to be just a little bit more understanding of living in my true self. I still feel pretty guarded most of the time because I’m always thinking about my voice. But my actions reactions and what I do on a normal basis is very natural.

I’m not doing super fantastic at work at the moment but I just found out I was second overall percentage wise in the region last month( basically that is closing percentage on creative selling) .....I was actually shocked to find this out because I didn’t think I was doing very well, but as it turns out I can credit that entire thing to being my true self. I no longer have to rely on my dead names reputation. A couple of good months of work in front of me and I’ll have solidified that Nicole has put in nine years at this company and will be in a good position to move up in my job.

i’m a little bit tired today after my wall excursion down to the other side of Austin. I’m sad that I couldn’t see her but it makes me happy that I could get least get her something.

@NicoleT, that was so sweet of you. Having such a big heart is just one of the reasons why we love you. Would you bring me a cute teddy bear when I go in?

Hugs!

@Donica .......Thank you.... she deserves it, she’s been through quite a bit. I would bring you a teddy bear unfortunately you are going to be a lot more than a 3 1/2 hour round-trip drive. I’m not sure I can get a flight to California in three hours. Lol....

So, as you were masked, Nicole, you couldn't grin and bear it, you just bear'ed it?

@Monica ....... that is true. That’s exactly what I did to the nurse who wouldn’t let me in .....
.....I pulled my pants down and I showed her my bare A$........Oh you meant the Teddy Bear. ...Um...Yeah...Got it.
Thats all that happened......

Any...whooooo......1 stop left in my day....

Hugs
Nicole

 

[Madrhode]

@NicoleT yeah but I think I just located my new clitoris it feels like it’s on fire which right now sucks but means it has sensitivity