Nicole’s neurotic Notebook

[OzGirl]

Nicole, can you ever just have a boring day! Your last couple of weeks have been epic, with coming out at work, coming out to the general public, and enduring The Day After Tomorrow! Your emotions have been dragged all over the place, and when dumped in a chily room with just candles to shed light, is it any wonder you are down. I agree with Kenna about being straight with you brother, having said that, being straight with my brother and ex hasn't really worked.

I have been really down over the past 3 weeks, with absolutely nothing positive happening, and no prospects of things getting better. Today, I had my 6 week post op review, and got some good news for a change. I can drop my morning salt bath, walk as far as feels good, and lift whatever is comfortable. The best part of this is I am clear to see my grandkids, and I will be heading up to see them tomorrow morning! I know this will bring the first joy to me for weeks as I haven't seen my kids for 2 months. This bit of good news has allowed me to look at my financial future with a bit more positive view, and, while it is going to cripple me financially, there is a good chance I will keep my house and lifestyle.

I think we make this rollercoaster worse than it really is. We celebrate when things are going good, but we allow ourselves to fall into old sorrows when things are a bit rough. I spent the last 3 weeks cursing being trans, and all it has cost me. It sucks, but that is my life, and I need to not fall into the misery of regret when my current challenges hit me. It makes me go so much lower than I need to, and it's not something I can change, so I need to be able to concentrate on the challenges before me. Now, these are words of wisdom, but so far I haven't been able to live by them!

Hugs,

Allie

 

[Linde]

Allie, it takes time to get over the drama of your recent weeks. I was there about 20 years ago. It took a while to become me again, but here I am, in a new, nice house in a new nice part of the world, with lots of new, but good friends who accept me as the new woman I am.
Life is good again, but it looked so tertible several years ago.

Hugs
Linde

 

[Donica]

@NicoleT, what ever you need girl, be it rambling on so, and not really saying anything just to help you keep going, or writing another meaningful novel as you usually do. We hear you regardless and are here in support of you always.

Hugs!

 

[NicoleT]

A new day ....a new perspective. That is what each day brings you. I used to firmly believe that every bad day ended when you fell asleep & the next day you can come up with a clear mind to tackle it. That kind of thinking officially ended when Jennifer died. When it happened it just seemed like there was no split between the days, it was one long endless day with naps.

I have come a very long way since then, but it’s sort of like an old injury with a raw nerve that is exposed. One touch of that raw nerve & down for the count. If I am super girl that is my kryptonite. I’m a little bit better today, going to take it slow. I know that I’m still off of work, I have to figure out if I can work at all tomorrow or if it’s just going to be a Saturday & Sunday this week. Honestly even though things are going well so far at work, it’s still a very tough time of year financially because it’s much slower. Now you throw this into the middle of your month..... not great. That’s a whole other set of worries.

Back to the present my power has stayed on now, I’m hoping that is the end of the blackouts we will see. To my knowledge my warm water is still out, makes it very hard to take showers and such. Sounds like I’ll be warming a lot more water soon. The roads are still treacherous. My daughter Taylor has been at her friends house for this entire thing and I really need to get her home. I just don’t dare have her drive. It’s one thing having an overnight or two but after a while her staying there could become contentious. I’m sure her best friends family does understand the situation. .............Now.....Some quick replies.

@Kenna ... there is no doubt I have to have a conversation with my brother. He is a bit of a simpleton and probably just didn’t understand the significance. I also have to try to get him to start actually calling me by my name that would be a big start. Problem is I can’t get my parents to do it either. Don’t get me wrong they are very supportive, they’re very loving they care about me deeply, they just can’t get past the dead naming.

I’m trying to be patient. Problem with my mom she seems to be treating this like I’m just going through a phase, like I just got a purple mohawk or some thing. (don’t worry HIS hair will grow out soon.) There’s a lot of progress that needs to be made with this. It’s really starting to trigger me and hurts.

@Donica ..... it looks like you got your wish.... I seem to be rambling on and on and on as usual. Thank you for being supportive. Your heart and warm words always make me feel good.

@Linde..... taking all those years to get over things must’ve been hard for you, but it is inspiring to see the world that you’ve made for yourself. I’m very happy for you. Now take it easy on the new equipment you crazy kid.

@OzGirl ...... that is correct, I left your response for last. It has broke my heart to see you so down. It’s obviously very expected, it’s normal & probably healthy that you feel bad about the situation. It does sound like you’ve got some light in the dark tunnel ahead. I preach about perspective all the time that’s how I try to stay positive. You change your perspective, you can sometimes change your mind and outlook. Now let’s define perspective changer for Allie........... perspective changer = grandkids .... I am so happy you’re going to get to go see them, very happy that you can keep your house and lifestyle. Now you just have to generate a little bit more money, which can be done, especially with your intelligence and talents at any age. Then you’ve got positive to look forward to. Your peptalk is exactly what both of us need. Focus on the positives. I love you Allie. Hug those grandkids.

Time to go check on that hot water again.
Hugs
Nicole

 

[Madrhode]

Yeah I do not know what to make of this winter disaster, @NicoleT. It is ending and by next Friday it will be like what storm? I am glad you are ok. We spent Tuesday morning charging phones by car power just like you. Yet here we are fighting with my job for my medical leave. Trying to say I only need four weeks off to do my recovery

 

[Linde]

I am starting my 4th week now. If you get full depth, there is no way in the world that you can go to work after 4 weeks. I have a hard time to sit, and could not drive a car even if I would want to. The recommended time is at least 6 weeks, and you need every single day of those.

Hugs
Linde

 

[NicoleT]

Well it’s been quite the event full week..... I came out as transgender on Facebook final place that I could possibly show everybody that I was out . This happened last weekend. Immediately all hell broke loose. Suddenly Texas blew up..

We had ice storms, snow storms, power outages, no water, no roads to travel only eating cereal one day because I could not cook, had nothing else. Even my good friend Comrade Cruz had to escape the state. Apparently the poor man is suffering on a beach somewhere forced to drink, icy cold fruity drinks. Who knew I would cause so much chaos.........

Seriously though I wanted to say something today to all of the people who have stood behind me, encouraged me, told me I look good just to boost my confidence, supported me through my fears, listened to me “lamenting “ (as @Kenna would say ......she always has such sophisticated words she wants me to use)
Thank you to everybody.

Coming out on Facebook, facing all the people I grew up with, some acquaintances I haven’t spoken to in years really showed me that the world has become more positive and acceouting than ever before. Lord knows we have a long way to go but more than that it’s showing me how I can be happy and than I have ever been. The thing all of this has taught me the most, is to stop living afraid. That’s the greatest lesson I could have.

See what happens when I’m bored in a house with no power for a couple of days. I start thinking too much.
Now I’m gonna share some pictures. I put some of these on Facebook the other day too but for those who didn’t see them.
........

What a week.....

Hugs
Nicole

 

[Confused]

Well it’s been quite the event full week..... I came out as transgender on Facebook final place that I could possibly show everybody that I was out . This happened last weekend. Immediately all hell broke loose. Suddenly Texas blew up..

We had ice storms, snow storms, power outages, no water, no roads to travel only eating cereal one day because I could not cook, had nothing else. Even my good friend Comrade Cruz had to escape the state. Apparently the poor man is suffering on a beach somewhere forced to drink, icy cold fruity drinks. Who knew I would cause so much chaos.........

Seriously though I wanted to say something today to all of the people who have stood behind me, encouraged me, told me I look good just to boost my confidence, supported me through my fears, listened to me “lamenting “ (as @Kenna would say ......she always has such sophisticated words she wants me to use)
Thank you to everybody.

Coming out on Facebook, facing all the people I grew up with, some acquaintances I haven’t spoken to in years really showed me that the world has become more positive and acceouting than ever before. Lord knows we have a long way to go but more than that it’s showing me how I can be happy and than I have ever been. The thing all of this has taught me the most, is to stop living afraid. That’s the greatest lesson I could have.

See what happens when I’m bored in a house with no power for a couple of days. I start thinking too much.
Now I’m gonna share some pictures. I put some of these on Facebook the other day too but for those who didn’t see them.
View attachment 1689View attachment 1690View attachment 1691View attachment 1692View attachment 1693View attachment 1694View attachment 1695View attachment 1696View attachment 1697........

What a week.....

Hugs
Nicole

Looks just like my place, except I am one of the few who didn't lose power. They made quite a few businesses close here to cut gas and electric usage. It is starting to melt a little.

Hugs,
Mike

 

[Linde]

You all should move to Florida, it will be 83 only today, way to cold to go to the beach!

Hugs
Linde

 

[Confused]

We are now to a balmy 35 degrees F

Hugs,
Mike

 

[NicoleT]

We’re up to 37° sunny sky and a melting slushy mess everywhere. This is how Texas does snow removal. Fun part is I have to return to work tomorrow. Do you know how many people are dying to throw money at me after this kind of catastrophe.

 

[NicoleT]

So last week it was so cold, so icy and we had so much snow coming down, I lost my power for three days. Tomorrow’s weather report says we may be up to 70. I sure hope that means, I’ll have a better day at work.

Think I’m going to start experimenting with putting my hair up while on the job. I love the freedom of being me but hair getting in my eyes as I’m trying to do my job isn’t very practical. I also think tomorrow needs to be the beginning of my new diet. I have been lacking discipline for the last few weeks with all the stress, it’s time to jump back in.

Interesting new problem this afternoon. I went to go pick up a couple of prescriptions at the pharmacy and found out my insurance no longer covers them. I asked him how can that be. The woman told me that Steven, no longer has coverage here. Only my 2 kids and Nicole have coverage......Lol..

Good problem to have. I was supposed to go see my doctor this last week but it got canceled due to the ice storm and I just forgot. I needed to get my prescriptions all changed over to my legal name. it really drove home the point, I am really me now. The whole thing is really a minor inconvenience at the moment. I should be able to get it fixed this week. It was just a surreal moment for a pharmacy tech to literally say the words “ So your related to Steven, is that your husband?.....because no Steven exists on this coverage. “

That’s correct he no longer exists........

Hugs
Nicole

( yes I mentioned my dead name, Who the hell cares the whole world knows now anyway)
( side note, maybe I don’t call it my dead name, I could just call it my dad name. I am proud of those two kids)

 

[Linde]

I had a similar experience at Costco. I had their card still in my old name with the old picture on, and the cashier wanted to know if my husband is with me. She did not want to accept that I am the "husband", and did not check me out!

Hugs
Linde

 

[Madrhode]

Well atleast you two @Linde and @NicoleT are not your own grandpas ...

 

[TonyaJanelle]

( yes I mentioned my dead name, Who the hell cares the whole world knows now anyway)
( side note, maybe I don’t call it my dead name, I could just call it my dad name. I am proud of those two kids)

I use the term dead name for convenience; everyone knows what I mean. It doesn't trigger me to get junk mail etc in that name. I will say though that the further along from changing it, the less I like seeing it pop up on random places that it shouldn't.

I had a similar experience at Costco. I had their card still in my old name with the old picture on, and the cashier wanted to know if my husband is with me. She did not want to accept that I am the "husband", and did not check me out!

Hugs
Linde

Some of the cashiers there can be sticklers on that and if heard of this happening so I had them redo my picture and card fairly soon after changing my name

 

[NicoleT]

 

[NicoleT]

I just got it in the mail .... it made me so excited I squealed.....Lol...Taylor asked me if I was OK....

I am now official 100% on my birth certificate. The really cool part is it doesn’t say that it’s been amended either. I will have my Social Security card in my hand inside of two weeks. When that happens I can officially change my drivers license and thus the rest of the world..

i’m so excited tonight I’m kind of goofy. ( wait that’s most nights) Anyway I wanted to share my good news.

Hugs
Nicole

 

[Linde]

Congratulations, and the big work for changing everything may start!

Hugs
Linde

 

[OzGirl]

Congratulations, Nicole, it’s always been a girl!!!!! I know how exciting official affirmation is!

Hugs,

Allie

 

[CrackDown29]

Congratulations,Nicole! I'm really happy for you! DD