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Nicole’s neurotic Notebook

Donica

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I was in the transgender catch and release program. Thankfully, I was able to remove my transponder so the Cheesehead coaches could never find me ever again. I am now happily and proudly free to swim upstream to spawn.
 

Madrhode

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I was in the transgender catch and release program. Thankfully, I was able to remove my transponder so the Cheesehead coaches could never find me ever again. I am now happily and proudly free to swim upstream to spawn.
Not me they tagged me and then mounted me. I can say I didn’t mind the mounting too much 😏
 

KimOct

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Sorry I've been radio silent since we texted when you got out of court. And if I wasn't as sympathetic as I should have been I am sorry about that too. I know you were disappointed and you had every right to feel that way. I guess I was being analytical and trying to look at the good news.

The most important thing you needed that day was the name change so you could move forward. That got accomplished.

The judge was an asshole. His hands were tied - he had to change your name unless there was evidence of fraud or evasion. Unless of course you continued to be argumentative. I am glad you knew when to shut up.

He obviously is a typical Texas jack-ass. Not all people there are but he fit the stereotype. Anyway enough about him.

You got what you needed. As the Rolling Stones once said 'You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you just might find you get what you need'.

So I got caught up........STOP IT. You are driving yourself crazy. Everything will work out. You will get done what you need to get done.

It won't all be easy. I never said it would. But YOU GOT THIS. Try to enjoy the insanity a little bit. You only come out once. This is tough but it is also fun. Just think....... did you ever think you would be out in the world living as a woman named Nicole? Pretty wild isn't it?

You will be OK. Don't use too much energy worrying about things that will work out in the end anyway. A few things may suck, a few people may suck but overall it will be good.
 

TonyaJanelle

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I just had a thought maybe part of why am so emotional with this......... I’m mourning my old self.

The other thought was that I realize I never loved the package my former self was in, but all of the talents, the things that I accomplished (as a man )are still inside me. All of it is still in my brain, they’re still in my heart, they are who I am still.

I've never mourned my old self i think because of what you wrote in the second quote here. Part of my realization that I really was trans was understanding that the parts of me and my life that I did like wouldn't have to go away. I could still play golf. I could still cheer for the @#$%ing Packers and their what the F*** were they thinking coaches. I just have cuter clothes do them in.
 

NicoleT

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Some great responses .... my mind just keeps spinning. First things first I can’t believe I’m two days away from no more “lie mode”. It’s a good thing too because wearing that hat gives me a headache every single day I am going through way too much ibuprofen. 11 o’clock tomorrow morning I meet with my two service managers at the branch. Of course will be doing it via online video chat but I once again I have to come out to a couple of people I’ve known for quite a long time. You’d think I get used to the awkward by now. The big come Up party for the rest of the branches still looming for Friday at 7:30 AM. Now to reply...@Donica and @Madrhode ....😂😂😂....As for the rest...
Will your boss say anything about discrimination? Is anything planned for discussing policy?

Nicole, it is hard to let go of the safety of the old personality. For me, I realized it was all that persona was good for. 4 1/2 years later, I don't miss the old at all. Fear makes you question everything.
@Moni .... my boss and HR representative are both going to say something about the discrimination. I’m not sure how far they’re going to go into the policy stuff or what’s been written of the training that I wrote. We were supposed to discuss that at a meeting on Thursday at 1 o’clock with the president of HR, president of diversity, those two and myself. Yes fear doesn’t make you question everything. The safety of the old me isn’t real. It’s derived from the show I can put on as a guy really. It’s a false person. But it’s a safety net I’m used to having.
Sorry I've been radio silent since we texted when you got out of court. And if I wasn't as sympathetic as I should have been I am sorry about that too. I know you were disappointed and you had every right to feel that way. I guess I was being analytical and trying to look at the good news.

The most important thing you needed that day was the name change so you could move forward. That got accomplished.

The judge was an asshole. His hands were tied - he had to change your name unless there was evidence of fraud or evasion. Unless of course you continued to be argumentative. I am glad you knew when to shut up.

He obviously is a typical Texas jack-ass. Not all people there are but he fit the stereotype. Anyway enough about him.

You got what you needed. As the Rolling Stones once said 'You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you just might find you get what you need'.

So I got caught up........STOP IT. You are driving yourself crazy. Everything will work out. You will get done what you need to get done.

It won't all be easy. I never said it would. But YOU GOT THIS. Try to enjoy the insanity a little bit. You only come out once. This is tough but it is also fun. Just think....... did you ever think you would be out in the world living as a woman named Nicole? Pretty wild isn't it?

You will be OK. Don't use too much energy worrying about things that will work out in the end anyway. A few things may suck, a few people may suck but overall it will be good.
@KimOct ..... wow the silence is broken....lol...Never did think I’d make it here. Who knew it would be so hard just to be myself. Best thing you said there was “enjoy the insanity” That’s a very cool way to look at things. Why not.... I only get the live once.
I've never mourned my old self i think because of what you wrote in the second quote here. Part of my realization that I really was trans was understanding that the parts of me and my life that I did like wouldn't have to go away. I could still play golf. I could still cheer for the @#$%ing Packers and their what the F*** were they thinking coaches. I just have cuter clothes do them in.
@TonyaJanelle ..... that’s such a great point. The things that I still love, are still going to be things that I love. Maybe this will open up a larger world to me. I’m sure the mourning is more about the safety. Sorry about the game. Bone head call. Also yes, your clothes are much cuter.😉

4 days and counting till the final nail goes in the coffin to my old life. If I ignore the fear then all I feel is excitement and relief. Long day tomorrow. Need to go figure out how to talk to my service managers.

Hugs
Nicole
 

NicoleT

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What a day.... I had a work meeting early, ————>then drove a half hour to do two stops, ———->drove a half hour back to get changed out of “Lie mode “ ————>back into myself, then went & picked up my official name change paperwork, —————->jumped into another meeting, this time to tell my service managers about me, ——————>changed back into “ Lie Mode”, ——————>followed by driving an hour, did three more stops, ——————->drove an hour and 20 minutes home.

In between all of this I found out that one of my best friends growing up, who was suffering from Covid ....
died in the hospital today. He was 50 years old. It absolutely breaks my heart. What a world we are living in.

The good news today, this has helped change my perspective. I now have less fear then I ever had. The whole world is in turmoil, Covid is killing people, my wife has passed away, I had a surgery put me out of work for over a month and one of my best friends from childhood died today. Life is too damn short. I’m still fearful of the meeting on Friday, but it no longer worries me what they might say, because honestly, I’m not sure I care.

My final day of “lie mode “ is tomorrow. One last day. Off on Thursday to get my affairs in order, meeting early Friday morning to spill the beans and conclude “ Operation BE Nicole1611726227821.png💋”.
Monday starts the true test, I am now officially by law Nicole and I’m not going back. Tough day, going to bed.

Hugs
 

OzGirl

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Condolences for your friend Nicole. We are going through tough times and it can bring things into perspective. You stay safe and we will celebrate your new life on Friday night.

Hugs,

Allie
 

Linde

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Hello Nicole, I am writing this from the hospital bed, after the last change I needed for my life.
I am absolutely impressed how determined and goal oriented you are. What took me about 20 years was done by you in about 2 years of time, and you keep on charging ahead.
Yes, you have had negative events during this time (my last close male friend died two weeks ago), as we all have, but you still keep on going.
You are the poster child of a trans woman, who has a clear goal and follows thtough reaching this goal.
I am sure that not to long from now, you, too will be in a hospital bed, after you had THE surgery, and your transition will be coming to an end.
Good luck for your future path, and I know you will reach all your goals, and will be a happy woman.

Hugs
Linde
 

TonyaJanelle

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So sad and sorry to hear about your friend. You mentioned him on zoom then I saw your post on FB and wow.
😥😥😥
 

Monica

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I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. I know he was important to you, and showing him your true self this summer was very satisfying. It's a memory you will hold in your heart. Yes, you have it right, live life to it's fullest.
 

NicoleT

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Final day in “lie mode”, this is it. Outside of a couple of phone calls to my old phone asking for Steve. (I know I’ll be having those customers, which can usually be handled right over the phone) This will be my last day of working as Steve. Last day I need to ever dress in my old male persona. I now get to be full time/all the time.
Tonight will mark the end. After 7pm tonight I have officially transitioned. ( A few surgeries aside, paperwork and such)

Wow this is quite the moment.

Condolences for your friend Nicole. We are going through tough times and it can bring things into perspective. You stay safe and we will celebrate your new life on Friday night.
Hugs,
Allie
@OzGirl .....Thank you, He was very special. His wife told me that he thought I was one of the strongest people he’s ever known to do this. He was rooting for me and had planned to surprise me with her late this summer when they visited Texas ( if Covid had calmed by late August) That trip will never happen. His words really touched my heart though. We will celebrate Friday shortly after 8,
Hello Nicole, I am writing this from the hospital bed, after the last change I needed for my life.
I am absolutely impressed how determined and goal oriented you are. What took me about 20 years was done by you in about 2 years of time, and you keep on charging ahead. Yes, you have had negative events during this time (my last close male friend died two weeks ago), as we all have, but you still keep on going.
You are the poster child of a trans woman, who has a clear goal and follows thtough reaching this goal.
I am sure that not to long from now, you, too will be in a hospital bed, after you had THE surgery, and your transition will be coming to an end. Good luck for your future path, and I know you will reach all your goals, and will be a happy woman.
Hugs
Linde
@Linde .... thank you very much. I believe it was pure determination mix a lot of desperation. However I got here I am here and I know you were part of that. I hope your vision of my future is correct. Congratulations again for taking the final steps.
So sad and sorry to hear about your friend. You mentioned him on zoom then I saw your post on FB and wow.
😥😥😥
@TonyaJanelle ...... I appreciate that. Almost posted the real picture from September and the paving to edit because I didn’t want to come out simultaneously and step on what was clearly a day for him. In fact here is the original pic. Not my best look, but it means the world to me now.
E6BDE966-8E02-4E55-B376-9373A617D382.jpeg
I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. I know he was important to you, and showing him your true self this summer was very satisfying. It's a memory you will hold in your heart. Yes, you have it right, live life to it's fullest.
@Moni ...... no doubt this past year has taught me to be resilient. This is just another challenge it’s going to hurt but I can’t change it nor can I change who I am. Sometimes we just need to get up out of the way and stop fighting it. Thank you...

ok final day awaits...here we go.

Hugs
Nicole
 

Donica

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Sorry to hear about your childhood friends passing Nicole. All my best wishes to you. I know you already got this, but I'll say it anyway, Good luck Friday.

Hugs!
 

TonyaJanelle

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Not my best look, but it means the world to me now.
E6BDE966-8E02-4E55-B376-9373A617D382.jpeg
Might be a picture to include in your coming out post. Would show that he knew and was cool. And maybe a more recent picture.
 

Monica

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It won't be long before the thought of you going out as you do today will seem inconceivable. Good luck today, Hon!
 

Confused

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Sorry for the loss of your friend Nicole.

As you have done every time so far, you will shine again on Friday. There is really no "Operation BE Nicole." You already ARE Nicole! You got this.

Hugs,
Mike
 

Donica

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Oh! I thought that was happening on Friday. Congratulations Ms. Nicole. So give us the details and their reactions.

Hugs!
 

NicoleT

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This is the 1st day ................

I am officially full-time as Nicole. I tell everybody at work on Friday morning. Day 3 in the process.

I spend the next two days getting all of my paperwork in order including Social Security, sending out for my birth certificate, going to the bank and so on. That’s Day 2, paperwork day.

It’s crazy because I should have more fear than what I have right now, but honestly I just feel relief and excitement.

My journey is not even close to over. There will be a lot of surgeries tough times adapting myself to my job or my coworkers after this happens, but this marks the official beginning of the rest of my life. Who knows what’s next?.......Lol...

@Donica ..... yes Friday becomes the official day that all my paperwork at work goes in and I tell my entire branch about me, that’s the final step in the coming out party.

Today was the first step getting rid of.....”Lie Mode”..... 2 days from completing “ Operation BE Nicole 1611790324545.png 💋


Hugs
 

OzGirl

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WOOOHOOO! now for the ceremonial burning! I bet you are so relieved, and glad that excruciating time is finally over!! Take it in and prepare for Friday!

Love you Sister!

Allie
 
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