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Nicole’s neurotic Notebook

Madrhode

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Everything you are doing is a great leap for transpeople at your job. It could have went so wrong, Nicole, I do beg for you to be prepared for some negative fallout as well as positive. It can go south. Maybe not the first day but in a few days to a week later. I came out at at my job at walmart and a week later I was let go and a week after they let my Dad go. Only because they did not want an issue with him supporting me. That was over ten years ago, but times have change, ust have your back up plan waiting. You a a very strong woman and if anyone can handle this you can, you are powerful and I am so glad that our paths have crossed on this forum even if it is so I can be your Guinea pig for Crane lol. I will take photos I mean after al al the celebs show their flowers, why can I not show my flower ll. we will get this you are well on your way to a victory. Operation Nicole you have my Axe!
 

NicoleT

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@Madrhode ........You seem pretty strong yourself....... thank you for saying that. I’m not sure I think I’m that strong most days, but I try to convince myself otherwise. After a crazy year of feeling sorry for myself, having no self-esteem, I finally figured out something. It’s not about being strong, it’s about determination.

When I look back on my life I was never given anything. I grew up poor. I kept my family going by working anywhere from 60 to 80 hours a week at times. I would spend what seems like weeks visiting my wife sick in hospitals with all of her ailments, then try to be the best dad I could. Id get a few hours sleep and go back and work another long day. After a while I just got used to it. I think by keeping myself busy all the time, it would help me to ignore the obvious thing. Just eating me alive.

I was so uncomfortable just being me.

For a while I kept thinking,...........
if I just worked hard enough .....I can get ahead .........
if I just prayed hard enough ...........I could make things better ............
if I just held on to my wife hard enough .........I would have her forever
if I would just ignore things long enough ..............I could overcome how I felt.

I learned that, if you want to get ahead at work, you have to apply yourself & go get that next job, because they’re not gonna give it to you just for working hard.
I learned that praying hard, didn’t make things better or fix the problems in life. It didnt save my wife.
I learned that no matter how hard you hold on to someone you can’t change the inevitable from happening & life screws you anyway.
I also learned that ignoring things only makes it worse, you will never overcome by sticking your head in the sand.

When I came to trans refuge after my wife died, I was a shell of a person. I had finally come to terms with being transgender I had zero self-esteem & no self love. Thank God for people here who help me find my way again.

I guess I have just started to apply what I’ve learned, if I’m going to ever live as my true self, I need to go make it happen. I have forever talked about this light at the end of the tunnel this long journey that I’m on. I have kept waiting and waiting to get to the light at the end of this tunnel. I’m sick of waiting. I guess ......
I stopped waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel and just let them bitch up myself.

Living in fear just sucks, it’s time I overcome it. That’s not strong, that’s just pure determination..

Wow.... i’m just sitting here thinking to myself I can’t believe just how far I’ve come. ( Those of you who started reading my posts back at SP can relate)

Who Knew?

Hugs
Nicole
 
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OzGirl

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A true motivational speech! There will be down times, but with your spunk, it will only make you climb higher. Congresswoman Nicole one day???

Hugs,

Allie
 

NicoleT

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A true motivational speech! There will be down times, but with your spunk, it will only make you climb higher. Congresswoman Nicole one day???

Hugs,

Allie
Please no, I hate politicians. Not to mention, I always believed you thought much more of me than this. I think I’m too intelligent and have too much love for human beings to ever possibly run for office...... Lol..😂

I’m glad you like my speech though. Lots and lots of deep reflection going on right now. I might even go find my old list I made to become Nicole and see how I’ve done. ( Wesley I realize my wife was part of that list but I’ll go find it)

BTW....... glad you’re doing well and you’re back home.

Hugs
Nicole
 

Monica

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You are starting to get it. It's not about bravery, it's about motivation, determination, and being pretty damn stubborn. You have spunk!!( "I hate spunk!" Sorry, that's from a long ago show in a galaxy far, far away!)

Speaking of electrolysis, have you seen my avatar lately. I need to get movin!
 

NicoleT

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@Moni ....Lmao..... I can always count on you for a great laugh. And I thought my 5 o’clock shadow is bad.
and by the way by the time the word spunk got to me, it meant something else that you might find at an adult bookstore. But hey I don’t create these words. I’m just reporting....Lol...

Thank you yes I am starting to understand how that works. Pure determination is how I get through the next few weeks. At this point I’ve kind of put myself in a box. There is no more escape hatches. I have to go out with guns a blazing .......finish the game. That’s a lesson it took a long time for me to understand. Your only way to face fear ........is straight on. ( now I feel like Clint Eastwood with the good bad and ugly whistle in the background, quoting his famous line from a movie many years after that..... I look straight in the eyes of fear and say..” Do you feel lucky punk....well do ya” ) Thank God I have good friends here to teach me these lessons.

On another note I just started a new thread in the past times section. I’m going to start publishing my poems and songs there. Only the transgender related ones for now, some personal ones thrown in. It’s just so I have an outlet for them. If you like them and want to talk about them fantastic, if you don’t that’s OK I wrote them for me anyway.

A countdown continues ” Operation BE Nicole1610467410212.png 💋” is underway. I can’t believe just how far I’ve come.

Hugs
Nicole
 

Donica

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and by the way by the time the word spunk got to me, it meant something else that you might find at an adult bookstore. But hey I don’t create these words. I’m just reporting....Lol...
I wasn't going to mention the elephant in the room, but since you did Nicole........ Well..........
 

Ann Sophie

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A countdown continues ” Operation BE Nicole
1610467410212.png
💋” is underway. I can’t believe just how far I’ve come.
POTUS Nicole is a thing for future? :D
 

NicoleT

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Hey....Ann Sophie.....good to see you. I could never be the POTUS. I’m not crooked enough to qualify. I’ve spent too much time trying to help others instead of helping myself. It would be fun painting Air Force one pink though.....1610511376985.png
 
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TonyaJanelle

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Hey....Ann Sophie.....good to see you. I could never be the POTUS. I’m not crooked enough to qualify. I’ve spent too much time trying to help others instead of helping myself. It would be fun painting Air Force one pink though.....View attachment 1529
For me the main problem with holding office is running for it. I wouldn't mind being a senator, but no way I'd ever want to put up with an election.
 

Ann Sophie

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A family member once asked me why I'm not heading for being a principal... and I told them that I have enough responsibilities with my pupils and myself, that's enough, and I don't want to be full in organization, I want to "live" my job, not organize it. I think it's the same thought here for being the POTUS, it would be ok for me to climb a bit, but I'm not in need to climp to the top because that's just not me.

Does this make me less succesful? In someones eyes maybe, in my eyes i'm happy.

But Nicole, let's start a minds experiment: You, the first trans*POTUS of the USA, sitting in your hot red dress, red lip stick and nails, in the oval office with a Baby-Yoda on your desk exuding so much proudness and kicking those bigot asses. Would be a benefit for LGBQT*-rights, wouldn't it?
 

OzGirl

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Its a no brainer really, given the last batch of candidates, who would you vote for, Trump, Biden, or Nicole! As a matter of fact we could probably fill the cabinet from right here in TR. @Katie in treasury, @KimOct in Employment, @Moni in home affairs, @Tonya in Sport, @Donica in technology. the list goes on....

Hugs,

Allie
 

Ann Sophie

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I would take the seat of education :p You Allie will become the ministress of family and social ;)
 

Monica

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I want to be Minister of Silly Walks!
 

NicoleT

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I had a bit of a rough day at work today. It’s a whole Lotta work and a lot of pay off. But instead of going home and falling apart feeling bad for myself..... I went shopping. Got some new pants for transition at work & some cool new sleepwear, so soft, juicy couture, they have lip prints & there super cute.
3518ABAF-CE47-4C08-9826-7CD778D77AEB.jpeg
Anyway enough stupidity... on to the ridiculousness of my thread
A family member once asked me why I'm not heading for being a principal... and I told them that I have enough responsibilities with my pupils and myself, that's enough.............

...............But Nicole, let's start a minds experiment: You, the first trans*POTUS of the USA, sitting in your hot red dress, red lip stick and nails, in the oval office with a Baby-Yoda on your desk exuding so much proudness and kicking those bigot asses. Would be a benefit for LGBQT*-rights, wouldn't it?
@Ann Sophie ......My only question is ... with all of the responsibility you have to your pupils how is it you have time to be my campaign manager..... Lol.... Lord knows the job doesn’t pay.

My presidency would never work I’m too honest I would just blurt out what I thought.... . I can’t imagine how the hell I would deal with foreign countries. Go to China and be like” I don’t understand a word you’re saying but I do like your Mei Fun and steamed dumplings, now where is General Tso’s?” I’d have to ask Putin “just why he resembles a child molester so much” and .....it would go well....
Its a no brainer really, given the last batch of candidates, who would you vote for, Trump, Biden, or Nicole! As a matter of fact we could probably fill the cabinet from right here in TR. @Katie in treasury, @KimOct in Employment, @Moni in home affairs, @Tonya in Sport, @Donica in technology. the list goes on....

Hugs,

Allie
@OzGirl........ oh that would be a scary choice .....picking between the three of us. Sort of like picking the best seat on the Titanic..... no doubt if they got too nasty in a debate, I could just blind them with my cleavage......
I want to be Minister of Silly Walks!
@Moni ....... oh yes which brings me to the perfect choice for vice president........“Maisy”.

I’m tired ....I can’t think ....going to bed

good night

Hugs
Nicole
 

NicoleT

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Wow that’s quite shocking. I was just looking at the picture I posted of my new jammies yesterday. I actually like the picture. I don’t just see a guy in that picture dressed up. I’m actually starting to see Nicole more often.
I think that’s an amazing sign that I’m getting better with the dysphoria.

Tough couple of days I’m pretty exhausted. Between long does it work, Setting up my transition with management at work, sending in paperwork and doctors letters to the court for my hearing next Friday. I feel both mentally and physically exhausted. I guess it’s all going to be worth it in the end.

Most of the time I feel pretty good about this coming up. No doubt the fear is pretty strong still. I keep thinking this is all going to hit me and I’m going to have a complete freak out right before this happens. I mean it’s one thing to go through the motions of getting this is all done, it’s another when you have to literally go through with it. Start living as yourself.

I’m just saying it’s not because I’m scared to live as a female. It’s that this is my real self and I’m actually more fearful of letting the world see who I really am. Will they still like me at work being more myself. I mean I have put A lot of effort into this personality that’s really just conceived. Now it’s almost like I’m naked ....they get to see who I really am as a person. Just a thing in my mind to overcome.

Another day of work to overcome tomorrow.....I think I’m gonna crawl into bed. That’s a good sign, i’m actually up to averaging five hours of sleep a night. That’s actually a sign that maybe I’m starting to get relaxed and feel better about life. After my wife died up through most of the summer, I never slept more than two hours at a time. I started doing three hours at a time before my surgery and crashing once a week for a longer periods to catch up. This is the most consistent I’ve slept since early March last year. ( maybe it’s my new jammies)

Hugs
Nicole
 

Monica

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Tough couple of days I’m pretty exhausted. Between long does it work, Setting up my transition with management at work, sending in paperwork and doctors letters to the court for my hearing next Friday. I feel both mentally and physically exhausted. I guess it’s all going to be worth it in the end.


Work, work, work!

I’m just saying it’s not because I’m scared to live as a female. It’s that this is my real self and I’m actually more fearful of letting the world see who I really am. Will they still like me at work being more myself. I mean I have put A lot of effort into this personality that’s really just conceived. Now it’s almost like I’m naked ....they get to see who I really am as a person. Just a thing in my mind to overcome.

Sorry Nicole, look at my avatar. I brought you a stick to make you feel better!





Wait, you getting naked? Is that Friday or Saturday Zoom?
 

Monica

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Donica

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Work, work, work!



Sorry Nicole, look at my avatar. I brought you a stick to make you feel better!





Wait, you getting naked? Is that Friday or Saturday Zoom?
A classic! You better watch your a...
 

NicoleT

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@ moni.... I still love that movie. That’s quite accurate. And boy am I jealous of the governor’s Secretary. Robyn Hilton. Shes the one with the big boobs in the picture. Also from the same movie is Madeline Kahn singing her song “ tired ...I’m so tired” . That also would’ve described this week. Lol..

All right it is a Saturday. I’m just six days away from the start of “ Operation BE Nicole 1610824410229.png💋” I have had one hell of a busy week. Not only have I averaged 10 to 12 hr days. I got to meet and fight with the head of our health insurance at the company (the ones not covering transgender services) ....I got to meet up with my regional HR representative had some great conversation there.......... I got to further prepare for the meeting I will have at the end of the month with the rest of my branch to let them know I’m transitioning............. I had a great meeting with my manager over the same thing, along with some very productive emails back-and-forth with the president of HR and the president of diversity for my company. Things were going fairly smoothly till.........

The realization that I had to tell a regional manager above my boss about me, before I tell the rest of the branch, since he has to approve new uniforms, changes on my phone name and such at the company.
I planned on telling him on a Friday morning meeting with my HR rep, my manager & me.
Unfortunately he couldn’t make it and my HR representative (who I really really like & she is an ally ) made a mistake by suggesting we do it on Monday when we’re off for the holiday.
The manager needed a good reason to do it, so she told him, I wanted to explain to him that I’m transgender. 1610825563101.png

Not very happy ......the whole point of the meeting is so I could do it, I could explain things.....so he cant get some preconceived notion. Which is exactly what he did. He immediately called my manager and questioned whether or not customers will except me........Ask if I’ll be able to actually do my job that way. .......He worried about the embarrassment to the company and gave suggestions along the lines of “I really hope he doesn’t do his make up like a drag queen.”.......
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Now my boss did his best to explain that I had everything covered, I had worked everything out and I am preparing for this. He agreed to the meeting then. So at 8 AM on Monday I have to work from behind to explain to this guy why he needs to respect me in what I’m doing. There is not an emoji big enough to tell you the bullshit that is.

After going through a number of ideas from, physically hurting him, screaming at him, threatening him, swearing at him and other ways to be a generally mean bitch. I have finally calmed down (thanks to a couple of decent friends ) and I’m now thinking very professionally about this. I can explain my position and flick on the camera so he can actually see what I look like now. I understand he has not seen me in well over a year. So it might make a difference.

Now, I realize I shouldn’t have to do this kind of “show and tell” performance, but it just seems like, it’s warranted so he gets the picture of what I truly am. I am a human being who, by the way, is FEMALE....not a drag queen .......not a freak .........and not an embarrassment to the company. The truth is, I have enough nerves about doing my job this way, about being excepted by customers, about looking good enough to pass societies norms. I didn’t need this jack ass filling my brain with more anxiety. I guess we will see just what happens on Monday.

Outside of losing my wife this will be the hardest thing I have ever done. The toxic crap that’s been going through my mind, the fear, the nerves and the overall desire to just run and hide, is so high. Every day I say to myself “I must be crazy”...... deep breath........ zoom tonight.

Hugs
Nicole
 
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