Nicole’s neurotic Notebook

[NicoleT]

So after much encouragement I’ve decided to start my trans refuge blog. ( all the moderators stress levels just went up) A lot of you know me and some don’t. So I’ll get out some basics first. .....
and the first line I wrote was already stupid...lol
Now I could erase and start over but since I'm an idiot I’ll show you what I wrote instead in orange
I am Transgender ( no shit genus ..so are we;  ) male to female , (wait what the hell am I saying...I suck at this.)..start over

So let me start again I am a woman. A her, a she. I always have been. I just denied it. I was scared of it ........but it’s always been there. It just took me decades to figure it out. Obviously Transgender is the label but female is who I am. I’ll give you a very quick background.

I admitted it to myself last November 2018. I tried for years to suppress the thoughts, the feelings, the urges, but they just got stronger. I tried on moms stuff as a kid, wanted to be like her, I fantasized as a young teen that I could grow into a female, then as puberty hit realized I must be stupid...or a deviant...something..... I figured out I like girls,  not men so I have to be a guy. There is no way. It just must be a fetish or something right?....(very naïve I didn’t realize that sexual orientation and gender were different then )Feelings never went away, thus my secret life was born. I’d do anything to suppress it for a while, then I thought if I just give in a little .....it would release some pressure.

I figured out simply cross dressing wasn’t enough. I needed some herbals, just enough to show some changes I could hide. Nope didn’t work....Ok forget this I’ll go online get the real stuff ( I think) Hey wait something happened, a little different...that should be enough..nope.
The inner Nicole needs more. Off and on internet experimenting was all I had. Taking my life into my own hands each time then stopping for a bit as money got tight.. The whole time believing if I ever said anything to anyone I would lose my entire life. My wife kids, family, friends my job...all gone..

Unfortunately Dysphoria doesn’t give up. It needed to come out. You see I figured it out now. We’re all mind body and spirit. Well my body said man, my spirit said female my mind was caught in this endless argument.  It always sided with my body appearance, what society told me and what was expected of me. It took my spirit years to convince the mind otherwise. Now that I admitted it to myself and my wife. I told counselors, doctors and my kids. My mind now sees the light. Science is now changing my body legally now. I’m getting to understand myself each day. My wife very reluctant at first became very supportive, told me she will always love me and would not leave me. She said she loved me as my spirit not just physically. It was a breakthrough . She was on board , parents now know, best friend was told and accepting. Just work remains. Time to let my mind grow in this as my body starts changing from legal prescriptions. Slow at first 5 months ago, then full blast HRT with blockers since March 2nd. .................

Then came the worst day of my life. I lost my wife Tragically on March 17...... Covid ....Began its grip on life and things have been crazy since. No she did not die of Covid this we know they’re still trying to figure out exactly what it was in her body that allowed this to happen. So am I still in Mourning.... yes .........but I’m continuing to move forward With the support of my two kids and of course all of my friends here. There is obviously much more to the story and my background is there is with all of you but that’s the basics. If any of you have interest I write poems and songs and I will probably post some of them here. Maybe I’ll just make a separate blog for that.
OK that’s enough for now.

Hugs
Nicole

 

[TonyaJanelle]

Thanks for sharing Nicole.  So sad and sorry to hear about your wife. 

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[Linde]

Nicole, just hang in there girl, and participate in our video calls as much as you need.  All of us are there for you to help you to move on.


Hugs
Linde

 

[OzGirl]

Nicole, thank you for sharing your story with us. You have become a loved member of this forum, and it helps those who are just meeting you understand were you are coming from. Much of your story is similar to many others here, but some is unique to you. Like you said, there is much more to tell, and your time ahead will be filled with changes and challenges, and I for one, am privileged to be able to get to know you and follow your journey.

This will be an interesting blog to follow!

Hugs,

Allie

 

[Maddie]

Hi Nicole.
It is always good to see you

 

[Monica]

Nicole, I really enjoyed seeing and talking to you yesterday. We have kind of peripherally known each other for a while, but it was nice to really get a sense of "you." Welcome to TR! One day I'll have to introduce you to a friend of mine named Kimmy. I think you'll like her. Well, marginally, at least!   

 

[Katie]

Hi, Nicole,
I am very glad that you are finding support and respite here. Even without gender dysphoria, coming out, and beginning transition, you have experienced a lot in a short amount of time.

Your account of your struggles and confusion regarding gender dysphoria sound very familiar to me. So many of us grew up and were raised with no knowledge of this stuff and not equipped to adequately express our needs. I fought an internal battle against myself for over three decades before I realized that it wasn't a battle that could be won. Gender dysphoria doesn't work that way. There's no "overcoming" it or "healing" it. The only thing that helps is stop fighting against yourself and be at peace inside and out.

I look forward to hearing more of your story and seeing you in the video chat sessions.

Sent from my SM-A205U using Tapatalk

 

[NicoleT]

I feel so honored...you all showed up to say hi....that’s awesome...Thank you. Tonya Janelle I appreciate your sympathy...it has been very hard...and frankly still is...    Linde, I definitely will be taking advantage of the video calls when I can. .........Allie  Glad to be here, and I’m honored not to just share my story with you but to call you friend.........Maddie, great to see you too and finally meet you recently........Moni...Great conversation via the net. It was fantastic after all this time and wise crack remarks to finally get to meet you. Keep up the sarcasm I love it..... As for  your friend Kim.........yeah...um not sure exactly who that is, .....but You know Shy people like her will finally speak up sometime. It’s tough when your quiet like her...........

.Finally Katie... So great to meet you the other night for the first time. You poor girl you are just being run into the ground. Especially after the crazy week you’ve had. Take it easy on yourself.  And yes Dysphoria seems to always win. I’ve said it before.....I tried so hard to treat the symptoms for so many years only because I was afraid of the cure. And  like you I have fought spiritually over the years with this too. It wasn’t till recently that I found the versus in the Bible that shows God accepts us all. That led to so many other scriptures of understanding, it freed me. Unfortunately the traditions of the church the doctrine of man has made the word of God to no effect. That’s part of why we still fight as a community. Too many people taught by well meaning church people the wrong things. I’m glad we’re all here to support each other and overcome those things.

Hey interesting day, I’m very low key today. No make up, very basic dress in Lie mode as I would call it ( LIE MODE.....means to express yourself to the world in a manner opposite of your true spirits gender. )  My son thought I still had make up on...I told him no. He looked twice and said you just look softer today. Ok, Ill take that. Then I go to pick up pizza ( he’s got friends over tonight, part of why I’m in lie mode, only half his friends know, and I'm trying not to put extra pressure on him right now). Anyway I go to the drive up pizza window and for the second day in a row I got a Ma’am............Maybe it’s the hair getting longer. Either way same as yesterday they quickly looked again and gave my food with a “ um thanks ...Sir....Lol....Just made me laugh that’s all.

I will tell you. Being in lie mode is getting harder each day I do it. I just want to be me. It’s like a drug, once you feel the relief of being true to yourself it’s hard to hold it back. Anyway, hope everyone is well.

Hugs
Nicole

 

[Katie]

Being ma'amed is pretty cool. I haven't been practicing voice lately, but when I was being consistent with it I would get ma'amed at convenience stores and different places. It's wonderfully validating.

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[Monica]

I will tell you. Being in lie mode is getting harder each day I do it. I just want to be me. It’s like a drug, once you feel the relief of being true to yourself it’s hard to hold it back. Anyway, hope everyone is well.

Hugs
Nicole

Nicole, in the past, when I have talked to people who are trying to figure out their gender, I always advised them that they should do therapy (duh, right?) for the theory part of things. For really knowing their paths, in the real world, there is no better information 'getter' than going out in desired gender presentation. I was always mindful that, in doing so, this person might get a certain satisfaction that may make going back and hiding all that much harder. Throughout my process, every step felt great. The flip side was that with each step, I needed the whole ball of wax more and more. My last days of wearing guy clothes were so stressful.

 

[NicoleT]

So I just figured out something, not sure what to make of it. I have depression over my wife each day, can’t change that. Some days I get into a bad funk. Just cry and feel hopeless other days I can push through keep busy and actually feel good. I used to think keeping busy helped. Then I thought having a good day at work helped me out. Wrong on both counts. The most relief I get from my Mourning is by relieving my Dysphoria.

On days I come home late, eat and just put on a basic bra and no dress. T-shirt and such. No make up, no real trying. I can’t see the inner me I’m just here. That’s when the stress combo of Dysphoria and depression clobber me. But by pushing myself to see my truth in the mirror. By feeling the truth just around the house. I feel less depression over my wife. It’s like a stimulant to my brain that shocks me out of that funk. I never realized pushing my true self forward actually helps me with both things. For some reason I just thought the distraction of putting myself together was enough to keep me busy so my wife wasn’t as much in my mind. But it turns out it’s not just a distraction but an actual way to relieve my symptoms of depression in my mourning.

I don’t know maybe I’m just thinking to much tonight. But as I sit here in partial “Lie mode “ since I’m too tired to do anything else , I just feel worse. Ok , enough rambling ... I’m over tired ... and I really miss her today. God this is hard....

If none of this made sense I’m sorry..... Just a bad night and I’m searching for a way to shake it...

 

[Linde]

Nicole, I don't know if the chat sessions would help you with dealing with your feelings?
But if they help, you can check into Skype each time when you have some emptiness in the evenings to see if we are online, and you can just butt in.  We always have some room for you!
We always start at 8PM central time.

Hugs
Linde

 

[OzGirl]

So I just figured out something, not sure what to make of it. I have depression over my wife each day, can’t change that. Some days I get into a bad funk. Just cry and feel hopeless other days I can push through keep busy and actually feel good. I used to think keeping busy helped. Then I thought having a good day at work helped me out. Wrong on both counts. The most relief I get from my Mourning is by relieving my Dysphoria.

On days I come home late, eat and just put on a basic bra and no dress. T-shirt and such. No make up, no real trying. I can’t see the inner me I’m just here. That’s when the stress combo of Dysphoria and depression clobber me. But by pushing myself to see my truth in the mirror. By feeling the truth just around the house. I feel less depression over my wife. It’s like a stimulant to my brain that shocks me out of that funk. I never realized pushing my true self forward actually helps me with both things. For some reason I just thought the distraction of putting myself together was enough to keep me busy so my wife wasn’t as much in my mind. But it turns out it’s not just a distraction but an actual way to relieve my symptoms of depression in my mourning.

I don’t know maybe I’m just thinking to much tonight. But as I sit here in partial “Lie mode “ since I’m too tired to do anything else , I just feel worse. Ok , enough rambling ... I’m over tired ... and I really miss her today. God this is hard....

If none of this made sense I’m sorry..... Just a bad night and I’m searching for a way to shake it...

Nicole, think of depression as the symptom you feel from a number of causes, one being your dysphoria, the the other being your loss. Both these causes cause a certain amount of depression, and it is cumulative, ie one added on top of the other. You may be able to deal with either, but not both, so if you can take one cause away, it puts you back into a place you can handle. Reducing your dysphoria does not diminish your loss, it merely puts you in a better place to handle it. There are a number of ways to manage depression, exercise, diet and being busy but recognising the cumulative causes and eliminating one can be the most effective.

Hugs,

Allie

 

[Maddie]

Do whatever you can, even if it's nothing except breathe.  Everyday every moment.  No matter what the current level of existence.  I care that you're going through this. 

 

[NicoleT]

Nicole, think of depression as the symptom you feel from a number of causes, one being your dysphoria, the the other being your loss. Both these causes cause a certain amount of depression, and it is cumulative, ie one added on top of the other. You may be able to deal with either, but not both, so if you can take one cause away, it puts you back into a place you can handle. Reducing your dysphoria does not diminish your loss, it merely puts you in a better place to handle it. There are a number of ways to manage depression, exercise, diet and being busy but recognising the cumulative causes and eliminating one can be the most effective.

Hugs,

Allie

Allie.....that’s extremely solid advice. It totally makes sense. I get down sometimes and it just grips me. I guess it would make sense to be honest and true with myself to be prepared to handle something. It’s sort of like a marathon runner not preparing their body before they get into a race it wouldn’t make sense So if I feel less than 100% I’m not gonna be able to handle depression as well To me that basically defines the dysphoria and less than 100% I’m not being my whole true self
God this really is showing me that this dysphoria is wrapping up as quickly as possible ...changes are gonna have to be made maybe tmuch sooner than I thought.. 

Hugs
Nicole

 

[NicoleT]

Do whatever you can, even if it's nothing except breathe.  Everyday every moment.  No matter what the current level of existence.  I care that you're going through this.

Thank you Maddie I appreciate that......... sometimes it’s just about survival. Last night I was definitely in survival mode.

Hugs

 

[KimOct]

Nicole...... DAMN GLAD TO SEE YOU GIRL.  So we finally convinced Nicole to jump on over. YAY !!  Regarding your mention  of me above....  yes I will try to come out of my shell and not be so shy.  ;D

 

[NicoleT]

Nicole...... DAMN GLAD TO SEE YOU GIRL.  So we finally convinced Nicole to jump on over. YAY !!  Regarding your mention  of me above....  yes I will try to come out of my shell and not be so shy.  ;D

Kim...Im glad your going to try a little harder to express your opinions here. You really need to just speak up a little more you know. And tell a Moni she needs to get a sense of humor. You know tell a few jokes be a little sarcastic sometimes. Just let out a thought or two.

I’m mean you two....just got to quit being such wallflowers already....

Great to see you post. And yes I’m now at refuge. You see here.... I can come in as a transitioning woman, not just a frightened guy stuck in a life of denial hoping to get help. I’ve graduated to another level. ( ok still a little scared, but) progress is happening here. I just need to get rid of my “Lie Mode” job and just let the truth take over.

Hugs
Nicole

 

[Donica]

Hi Nicole! I have enjoyed reading your post from around the forum and meeting in virtual person too. I'm glad you started your own thread. I'm looking forward to reading more of your neurotic rants. You always have something interesting to say. See you around the forum.

Hugs!

 

[Monica]

I'm eyeing this thread from 60 thousand feet, looking for signs of neurosis, mitosis, even halitosis. My aviation handbook says I should social distance from 60,000 feet, but I do so appreciate the little people down there who make all this possible. (Making airplane noises right now!)  ;D