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Lexxi

Moderator
Staff member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
503
Hello everyone,

I was sitting here commenting on some posts and looked at the date on my computer. Today is May 20th and it just so happens to be my
one year coming out anniversary!!!

I've come a long way in one year. Definitely not as far as some other people, but far by my standards. Gosh I can't believe it's gone so fast. When I first came out and started learning about starting HRT I knew it was what I needed. Then I found out about therapists, WPATH, gatekeepers, endocrinologists, GCS, FFS, vocal surgery, social transitioning, hair removal, makeup, name changes, birth certificates...just an endless fount of information about everything transgender. It just seemed so dang overwhelming that I didn't know where to start. But start I did...and now here I am one year later. I'm a much happier person by far. In fact I'm the happiest I've ever been in my entire life.

I'm glad that I have so many people that I now call my friends to celebrate with.

Lexxi
 

Kenna

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 26, 2020
Messages
154
It's a huge heap of information isn't it Lexxi?
While I haven't called it a coming out it was a couple of days before Christmas 2018 that I suddenly recognised my true gender and 6 June will be the one-year anniversary of when I started HRT.
Cheers!
-Kenna
 

OzGirl

Moderator
Staff member
Joined
Dec 24, 2019
Messages
732
Congratulations on passing your first year since taking that most important first step!! It's amazing what this ride brings once you step on board, life is rarely dull, but for me and expect you, it's the people we have brought into our lives who provide the highlight! The next 12 months will be amazing!!

Hugs,

Allie
 

Lexxi

Moderator
Staff member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
503
Thank you so much ladies...I REALLY appreciate it!!!
 

Moni

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 1, 2020
Messages
546
Lexxi Girl, I love it, congratulations! What change was most satisfying and what change do you see as next? Cute avatar picture!
 

Lexxi

Moderator
Staff member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
503
Hi Moni,

When I was around 11 or 12 years old all my female friend's breasts started growing. I knew that mine never would and that has been a huge source of pain for me ever since then. Now that I FINALLY have my breasts, after a lifetime of missing them, has been my most satisfying change. My next most satisfying change that some of you might understand is that my hair is finally long. My parents forced me to keep my hair short when I lived under their roof, and for some dumbass damn reason I continued to keep it short after I moved out on my own. So my long hair causes me a lot of happiness.

Then here's a goofy one that I really love...I can finally carry a purse. I've wanted to be able to carry a purse for most of my life, and of course never could. Well I could if I didn't mind getting harassed or beat up over it. I didn't want those things so I've never even owned a purse til now. I love the ones I have now, and I NEVER leave home without one.

So those are me 3 favorite things so far.

Hmmm...the next major change is going to be finally dressing in female clothes. I'm planning my first trip out on June 8th when I go to my doctor. I have a burgundy tunic top with white lace around the bottom and a pair of ladies shorts that I'll be wearing. I want to make sure medical people see me dressing the part so they will feel comfortable writing my letter for GCS. By the way I'd have that surgery tonight if I could find a doctor to perform it, but that's not gonna happen. So I'm hoping that maybe I can have surgery by this time next year. I don't know if that will be possible or not, but that's my hope. I also hope that I can get my name changed sometime soon too...but I don't want to appear greedy to whatever being is in charge of my fate, so for now I'll be happy if the first two could come true.

So those are the big things that will be changing next.

Thank you for the compliment on my picture!!

Lexxi
 

OzGirl

Moderator
Staff member
Joined
Dec 24, 2019
Messages
732
It's hard to say what the future will bring Lexxi. A few months ago I was totally jealous of Susan R at SP for going full time on her 12 month HRT anniversary. I knew that could never happen for me by my one year HRT anniversary on March 18 this year. I had my full time date planned, April 14. Well, circumstances just sort of changed, and I actually went full time on January 1 !! It sort of just happened! I really didn't have a plan for my GRS as of late last year, but my employer wanted to know how much time I would need off after the op. So I rang the surgeon I had decided on to get some details and before I hung up the phone, I had a consult date and a pencilled in op date! I am a couple of years ahead of where I thought I'd be when I started HRT, actually, back then my plan was to string out HRT as long as I could and maybe not ever socially transition!

Just go with the flow and soon you will wake up and struggle to remember what is was to be male, well sort of male!!

Hugs,

Allie
 

NicoleT

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 8, 2020
Messages
164
Lexxi........Yeaaaaaaaa!..... Congratulations not just on the year anniversary of knowing what just and how far you’ve come mentally with this whole thing. Truth is anybody can dress, even get a hold of hormones at some point. But to become comfortable enough with excepting your self is the key to this. Those mental changes have to take place. I think most us have known for a very long time what’s inside of our minds. The wheel to step out and tell the world who you are is the biggest step. I’m so happy for you and I look forward to reading of all your conquests over the next year.

Hugs
Nicole
 

Moni

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 1, 2020
Messages
546
Hi Lexxi I relate to the things you listed as missing out on. Boobs, oh yes, such a big thing to see women with them and want them so bad. I believe you said you were a shy person too. This is something else I relate to. I have had to battle my shyness all my life. For a shy person, it is especially daunting to think of this change in the public sphere. Maybe our chemical make up or our upbringing makes our awareness of other's opinion of us important beyond there true importance. We get the 'what if's' more then the 'outgoing' people do. For me, my desperation from dysphoria was so bad, I had to make a decision. Looking at my life, I could stay safe and feed my shyness, an aspect of myself I wasn't fond of anyway, or I could battle against shyness, against being afraid and for being my genuine self. Well, put that way, the choice is pretty one sided, don't you think? Allie, you start moving on this path, and once you knock down some fears, you are kind of like, "Hey, why wait? What was I thinking?" The freight train of progress snags your butt and away you go. Okay, back to the place you are now, Lexxi. Moving forward takes a certain amount of either boldness, or closing your eyes and just doing it, damn it! I was not bold. I was a scared little rabbit, to borrow a phrase from Terri. Can I come on here and guarantee no bad things can happen, no. I will say that in the great majority of the cases of trans people who think the world will end if they move forward find that, hey, this is no where near the fear I had built up in my head. Nicole, if you are reading this, I expect that however your outing goes, you will know more and feel relief that you started to move by the time this weekend is done. It's a little like jumping off the high diving board. The people in the water are yelling the water is great, come on in. The person on the high dive is pooping bricks until they are in the water with a big smile on their face. Anyway, will will be heard cheering you on. Me and my swimmies!
 

Lexxi

Moderator
Staff member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
503
Hi Moni,

Yes I'm very shy...but not many people know that. I say that because I always made myself do things that outgoing people would do. That mindset started because of my first wife. One time when we were still dating she overheard me singing one day and stopped to listen...around the corner. In essence she was spying on me. The only reason she heard me was because I didn't know she was there yet, and I was singing right along to the radio. See I got made fun of in 5th or 6th grade music class for "singing like a girl". On the one hand I secretly loved hearing that they thought I sounded like the girl I knew I was supposed to be, but I was terrified too on the other hand of what was going to happen. The boys made so much fun of me for my singing that I vowed to never sing in front of another person ever again. I kept that vow until the day she overheard me.

Now here's the thing about singing...I love to sing...I must sing to be happy. Songs just flow through my heart and soul and I have to let them out. Until the day she overheard me I never expected that another person would ever know that I can sing. She was really musically inclined and even had a full scholarship to the University of Louisville for music. She played the trumpet, piano, and sang too, so she knew a bit about music. When she busted me singing she asked why I never told her I could sing, and I told her the story about what happened in music class. She was understanding but told me there were going to be some changes from now on. She wanted me to start singing in front of her. I told her I was way too shy to ever do anything like that. She said "well we're gonna fix that."

The song she overheard me singing was one by Air Supply. I used to be able to sing just like those guys. So she pulled out her Air Supply tape and forced me to sing the songs to her...while I was staring into her eyes. I was so nervous I thought I was gonna pee in my pants, but I did it. By the time we were done with the first side of the tape I was a bit more comfortable. But she had created a monster. From that point on I sang all the time. I used to be a regular at the Karaoke bars where I live. Hell I've even got up and sang with a band in front of a crowd of about a thousand people before. It was a major thrill having 300 people at a festival line dancing to the music you're making. It was better than any drug you could ever take.

So yeah I made it look like I was outgoing, but I'm still shy as hell about almost everything else besides singing. The thought of going out dressed as my proper gender terrifies me. Once I start doing it though I'll pretend that any horrible remarks I hear don't bother me, but they'll really break my heart. My brother once told me how he spent his life admiring me because I never cared about what other people thought of me. He said that I never let anything bother me and that I was always going to be myself no matter what. But oh how wrong he was. I NEVER got to be myself. Not my true self. No I had to play the part of a big strong guy who never let anything bother him. But everything bothered me. I hated who I had to pretend to be, and every time someone made fun of me it ripped little pieces of my heart out. So the times when it seems like I'm outgoing...it's all an act. I'm really shy as can be.

Lexxi
 

Donica

Just moving forward!
Joined
Dec 24, 2019
Messages
356
Congratulations Lexxi! I find it so very affirming. Once I got started, I hit the ground running and never looked back. Well, looking back only to remember where I've been. Many more milestones and many happy memories to come.

Hugs!
 

Moni

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 1, 2020
Messages
546
Lexxi I'm thinking you will have a whole crew here helping you through the stepping out part. No way I could sing in front of people. That is gutsy! When I told my then good friends I was trans, they were pretty accepting. A short while later, the guy told me, "You were an ugly guy, you'll probably be an ugly woman." To this day I don't know if he thought he was teasing me or not but I couldn't let it go. It hurt and made my guard go up. I later ditched them for other reasons. I used it as motivation instead of freaking out. I guess the trick is to learn from all of what happens, the good and bad. If we shield ourselves from everything, we miss out on growth. A lesson I continue to learn because by nature I am still that shy person.
 

Perry

Active member
Joined
Dec 24, 2019
Messages
25
My friend Lexxi,

Congratulations on your coming-out milestone!

I have every confidence in you succeeding in your journey!

Perry
 

Lexxi

Moderator
Staff member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
503
Hey Perry,

It's GREAT to hear from you. I see that you're into wearing your mask too. We can never be too safe can we? I hope you're making it through the Great Pandemic of 2020 in grand fashion. Have you been doing okay?

I'm so sorry that I haven't answered your email yet...I guess I've been a bad pen pal. I'll rectify that one of these days I promise.

It blows my mind that it's been a whole year since I came out. I can't believe how fast this past year flew by. July 12th makes one year on hormones for me, so I'll be posting another anniversary here in a couple of months. I think that one will be my most important one. A lot of people use the the date they start on hormones as their new birthday...I'll probably do the same thing. If you think about it that anniversary is probably the very first day that a person is re "born". How long have you been on hormones, and how long has it been since you officially came out? I know you're WAY ahead of me.

Thank you so much for your post. I'll talk to you later on...hope you're having an awesome weekend!!

xoxo
Lexxi
 

Perry

Active member
Joined
Dec 24, 2019
Messages
25
Hi Lexxi,

I'm not that far ahead of you, especially if you factor in that I was 61 when made my declaration. I shared my decision to transition with my Mom in October 2017. By that time I had been researching and reading forums for most of the year. I didn't come out to that @Moni character until 6 or 7 months later (on SP). That should probably be my official date!

Two weeks ago was my 2 year T-anniversary and July will be one year for my top surgery. I might have mentioned previously that my insurance approved my revision surgery. Right about the time all elective surgeries were cancelled/postponed. My 90 day authorization expires in a couple of weeks but I'm sure getting an extension won't be an issue. I doubt I'll get surgery before September, my surgeon, a non-trans specific plastic surgeon, is a pretty busy guy normally.

I saw that you are getting more quality time with your daughter, I'm happy to hear that. I'm still working my regular schedule except for a few days I stayed home because I didn't feel like being bored out of mind. I was hoping to retire again in June but my retirement money has taken quite a hit. I've convinced myself I should stay through the end of the year now. I haven't come out at work and I'm not planning to do that. Of course, that just puts my name change off til next year.

Fortunately, or unfortunately, I'm an introvert and have no problem isolating at home. Work, grocery store, gas station and home is my new normal and it's just fine. Have done a couple of zoom calls with friends to stay connected.

Perry
 

Lexxi

Moderator
Staff member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
503
Hi Perry,

Speaking of Zoom calls, we have Zoom and Skype meetings with several of the people here if you're ever interested. They're a total blast. I just got off the Saturday Zoom about 20 minutes ago....we started at 9 and it's quarter after 2 now...so it was a nearly 5 hour meeting. lol

We'd sure love to have you at one of them if you feel comfortable doing that. Out of all the meetings we've had so far we haven't had any guys on with us so you would be a welcome addition.

I totally understand what you mean when you say you're an introvert. I'm the exact same way. I go to Walmart for groceries, down to pick up my daughter and bring her back here, and the occasional doctor's appointment and that's it. Well I have had to go to the gas station a time or two...luckily my car gets about one month to the gallon so I'm pretty set there. Hahaha...

You mentioned your name change. Good luck with that. I know how excited you'll be once that's done. I've been waiting and hoping the hormones will feminize me a bit more before I change my name. But to be honest I'm getting REALLY tired of waiting for that to happen, so I printed out all the forms I'll need to change my name. I'm not close to actually turning them in yet, but I can't wait until I can do it!!

I don't know what to do about my gender marker though. I've heard that if you do that too early it can cause problems with your insurance. Like if I legally change my marker then my insurance company might balk about approving my hormones, or could give me problems with some of the other medical needs I have. I'll just have to do some research and find out what the deal is with doing that.

Yes my daughter has decided to come back and stay with me half the time. Her mom hates that idea because if she's staying with me half the time then I don't have to pay child support. So I'm quite certain she's going to try and sabotage our time together. She's a really horrible person and I wouldn't put that past her.

Okay it's getting late so I'm gonna sign off for now. I'll talk to ya soon,

xoxo
Lexxi
 
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