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Overalls Bear

Member
Joined
Dec 12, 2020
Messages
19
Gender Pronouns
He, Him, His, Himself
Gender Identity
Agender
Feeling as though I wanted to be / should have been female is something that began so early in my life I have no idea specifically when or how it got started. But the concept of being "transgender" and all that entails is something I only came to learn of at around the age of 60 as I recall. (I'm now 72.) One of the reasons for this I believe is that throughout the majority of my life I eschewed popular culture. Somehow I saw myself as being above all of that. It was hogwash. But what it did was it prevented me from learning anything about the idea of being transgender or about people who were transgender and were transitioning (or already had) until I was around 60 years old or thereabouts. This is a synopsis of how that occurred. (I should mention here my memory is not what it used to be. So my timelines may sometimes not be completely accurate.)

As I recall I stopped working in my early 50's due to a combination of medical and mental-health-related problems. My wife graciously offered to become the sole breadwinner and I became a house husband. My wife had always earned more money than I was able to anyway. The fact that she graciously supported me for so many years, though, is part of the reason I will never transition & why I keep my gender identity issues to myself (although she did come to know of them along the way.) I feel I owe her that.

Prior to becoming a house husband, I had never used computers except to do some simple word processing at work. And I was unfamiliar with the internet. My wife actually encouraged me to learn to use our home computer as a way of having something to do when I wasn't busy doing housework, cooking, home repairs, etc. For quite a long time I declined. But at some point I finally agreed. And one of the first websites I found my way to was YouTube. (I was actually so naïve I thought if I subscribed to a YouTube channel I'd get a bill in the mail a few days later... LOL!)

Up until that time I don't believe I had ever even heard of the terms "transgender" or "transsexual" or "gender dysphoria" either for that matter. But somehow I found my way to a transsexual transition timeline YouTube video. "Transitioning Prior to HRT, 101" was the title as I recall. I'll never forget it. It was a picture montage of the YouTuber's transition set to the song: "Nobody Knows Me at All" (still a favorite.) Suddenly here was a person who had endured the same life-long struggle I had. And she was doing something about it... OMG! I've described it, in the past, as walking into a dark room & having someone suddenly turn on all the lights. I was bedazzled. And yet there was a sense of sadness to it too because I knew it was too late for me. A short time later I made my second suicide attempt. (This was also the point at which my wife came to learn of my life-long gender identity issues. But that's yet another story.)

At the time this was all occurring there was a little community of transgender YouTubers who were documenting their transitions in their videos. And upon my release from the hospital, I got back on YouTube & came to know a number of them. (Sadly, one of the YouTubers I came to know did, seemingly out of nowhere, end her life.) People do still upload transition timeline videos on YouTube from time-to-time it appears. But there doesn't seem to be the community there was. I don't watch transition timeline videos much anymore. But I do sometimes watch transgender documentary films on YouTube. I especially like to watch films about transgender children & how their parents are coping with raising a transgender child. I know the challenges those children face in their lives. And yet I also imagine what my life might have been like had I had the opportunities they have, the accepting parents they have, & the services that are available to them today. It's all a wonder. 😍
 

Linde

Adminstrator
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Joined
Dec 10, 2019
Messages
4,801
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Intersex
I found a show on Amazon Prime that deals with transitioning in Ireland. You might want to watch this.

My Trans Life​

Season 1
(4)2019TV-PG
In July 2015 Irish citizens were given the right to change their legal gender based on self-identification alone, without medical or state intervention, making Ireland a global leader in trans-rights and one of just five countries in the world that has legislation based on self-determination.

Hugs
Linde
 

Monica

Fight for self love!
Joined
Feb 1, 2020
Messages
2,390
Gender Pronouns
She, Her, Hers, Herself
Gender Identity
Female
Obee, I put myself in lockdown of information for a long time. I was so afraid someone would find out my secret, that I had those thoughts. It tore at me though. When I was young, a first job was shelving books in a library. I ended up stealing a copy of Christine Jorgenson's book because I couldn't have anyone know I checked it out. I returned it in the night drop box one night because I am no thief. Finally, about 40 years later the thoughts overwhelmed me and I started looking on the computer. I wonder sometimes if not knowing the information is better than knowing when one cannot take actions toward their true gender. I don't think there is any one answer to that. For me, I was going crazy with dysphoria anyway. Maybe knowing about things would have at least dispensed with some guilt, I guess. I still think I have some PTSD from hiding and secret keeping for all those years.
 

OzGirl

Global Moderator
Staff member
Joined
Dec 24, 2019
Messages
2,559
Gender Pronouns
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Female
Obee, most trans people have dysphoria all their lives, but many don't recognise what is is. They just think they are unhappy linked to something else in their lives, and it's not until it intensifies later that the cause is found. The levels of dysphoria seem to be linked to hormone levels, and as this falls in later in life, dysphoria seems to increase. Of course, by this stage, we have so much invested in our lives, it makes it hard to do anything about it, but then dysphoria and depression increase. I hope you can stay on top of your dysphoria!

Hugs,

Allie
 

NancyBalik

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 8, 2020
Messages
126
Obee (is it okay that everyone seems to have given you this nickname?), Since you and I are both non-transitioners, both of roughly the same generation (although I am slightly younger :) ), and I believe we are both married to spouses who are, let me just say, less than supportive, let me say this: had we grown up today our lives likely would have turned out quite differently. However, of course, we have what we have and we are who we are.

I also, knew early that I was not "like" the other boys. I never liked the roughhousing, always admired pretty things girls "got to" wear and wished I could wear them, and wished I could play on the girls' side of the playground rather than have to play on the boys' side where the games were often more challenging for me.

I think there are many, many of us out here in the world, males who wear panties or who feel or express some degree of femininity. Although the world is still full of considerable hate and misunderstanding of gender and gender variance (my own wife who I love is not welcoming or understanding), the younger generation of "Nancy's and Obee's" has the internet to learn from and to find a community -- and there are now so many visible "trans hereos" now.

Happy Holidays, Nancy
 

Overalls Bear

Member
Joined
Dec 12, 2020
Messages
19
Gender Pronouns
He, Him, His, Himself
Gender Identity
Agender
@NancyBalik Actually it was me who suggested people could use the nickname "Obee". I guess it could also be OB (not to be confused with "Obstetrics" ha-ha-ha...) Yes I agree there are many of us out there in the world. I've been amazed at all of the individuals who have been coming out over the past few years.

I recall reading, in Anne Vitale's book: "The Gendered Self", that she at least was of the opinion there were probably as many natal females as natal males who were transgender. However, she surmised, AFAB individuals have had more freedom to dress and otherwise express their masculinity than do AMAB individuals who are typically severely ostracized by the society at large for expressing any degree of femininity. This gave the appearance there were more transgender men than women Hopefully the ostracism transgender individuals experience (whether they be AMAB or AFAB) is something that is changing & will continue to change over time. (I don't know if I'll live to see it change to a genuinely significant degree. But perhaps you will since you're younger. (LOL!) Hugs...
 
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