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Marcie's journey - in search of Peppermint Patty, er...Moni

marcieelizabeth

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 8, 2020
Messages
61
Thanks for the replies ladies! An incident happened this week that has solidified that at lest in her eyes, we are no longer "in" love. I will always love her. We were going through more of our belongings on Saturday, the hour got late, our daughter CJ was eating with me, and so I invited my wife Karen, to join us, she said very quietly - thanks - I fixed dinner and when she came in the house she made a comment to CJ that I overheard - Everything is so dirty - well it is because we are packing up and house keeping at this place is least on my mind - but to say it loud enough for me to hear, then when dinner was ready CJ, Karen and I sat down to eat. Karen asks, where is Nathan? I said he ate some earlier and was done. She blurts out - well I would not have stayed if I had known he was not eating with us! I only said yes to spend time with him. (I eventually called Nathan and he came down to see his Mom, but...really?) BTW - all day I was allowing her to take whatever she wanted - we have too many things anyway so I think if it has a place with her she can have it - problem with that is I give up a lot of really nice things that I purchased.... things that she will now call hers...that were never hers - I bought them, paid for them, found tham...I DID that and thought it was the caring and loving thing to do. I want to be angry and mean and say no to things she really wants but I just cannot. But afte this incident, maybe I will. Thanks for listening!

hugs, and love,

Marcie
 

OzGirl

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Joined
Dec 24, 2019
Messages
1,694
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Marcie, dividing up things aquired through a marriage is always painful, and never fair. Sometimes you have to let things go to move on. It’s pretty obvious she has, so just get through this phase of your life and be open to whatever might happen in the future.

Hugs,

Allie
 

marcieelizabeth

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 8, 2020
Messages
61
Well, today is my three year anniversary of starting on E. It seems like yesterday, it is undeniably when I mark the beginning of my journey to be ME! I had a boost that I really needed yesterday; a spouse of an amazing friend helped me deal with stuff I need to move and more! More on that later!! Lots has changed since Oct 13 2017: I am living my truth fully, Out at work, my daughter got married and I had to stray male - got through it in a not so easy way, my children all know and my sisters too and they all say they accept me and still love me, I have an amazing friend ho lives nearby - someone who you all know- my name change is in process, my wife has asked for a separation and we are working on moving into separate places to live and since we have worked on this I agree and see the need for it - I DO STILL STRUGGLE WITH THIS - I DO LOVE HER STILL, my sexuality is in flux - oops did I say that -MONI, and I feel as if who I was has faded...lots and I know more. Each little step has helped. I am having a tough time getting my GCS,FFS,BA done...where, lose weight, which surgeon? But I am MArcie, that should be enough... I hope it is.

Love and Hugs,
Marcie
 

Katie

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Dec 10, 2019
Messages
2,235
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Marcie, it sounds like your life is moving in a positive direction. My wife and I had a discussion last night about whether or not a separation may be needed. My transitioning is understandably very difficult for her to deal with. I hope that you continue to make progress on your goals.
 

Linde

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I was kind of lucky that my divorce was prior to me discovering that I was not, and never had been a guy. My ex still does not want to accept the fact that she was married to a biological woman for many years. Even though the divorce was caused by this, we did not know, which made the situation less problematic.
After that, I had time to slowly develop into the woman I am these days, a very happy older woman that is.

I wish all of you that you will have a chance to become a happy woman as I am, which makes life so much easier. I also hope that you have people in your life (like I have Amber, and Sandy, and a few others), who accept you for what you are and represent, and help you to live a happy life as yourself.


Hugs
Linde
 

Moni

Fight for self love!
Joined
Feb 1, 2020
Messages
1,571
Marcie, so happy that you are posting here. I have stood on the side lines a little recently. I think I am happy to hear of thoughts of a new life. No, it is not time to toss everything out about the old, but I've been waiting to hear about the new, the new goals, new growth, new concentrations and endeavors. I think you are starting to get there and it makes me happy. You are mired in the things of your life right now, I get it. The things are not as important as the what's, the why's, the who's in life. Looking forward to your next chapter.
 

marcieelizabeth

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 8, 2020
Messages
61
Depressed today, was yesterday. Little things trigger me lately. I am as Moni said looking forward to much! I am looking forward to being in a place that is not where my wife and I raised our children, a place where I may once COVID is over may have friends in to visit. I am looking forward to getting =past some of our financial issues once we are not paying bills on three homes. I am looking forward to having time to do things rather than packing and moving things. I am looking forward to celebrating holidays, but concerned about what that will look like, with who and where I will miss my wife, and her family during the holidays. I will miss the traditions. Many cannot happen now that we are not together. i am looking forward to doing some art - photography, painting, crafts and more, to singing and joining a choir - it has been years since I have been part of one. I fear what that may lead to in terms of others responses. I look forward to a life I do not and cannot really imagine until it gets here. I AM TRULY LOOKING FORWARD. But I am also so anxious about all that getting there requires, and about not moving forward well. I feel very alone in that I have not in 39 years been alone. My wife, the true love of my former self's life was right by my side until she was not. Not able to rectify who I am with who I was, who she saw as being with her looking forward. My oldest daughter said to me, I have to let go of the future I thought we (me and her) would have had. I am depressed because my older daughter talks to her Mom often, and me never. I know she is struggling, and I am unsure how to move forward with her. I fear being alone. But it also excites me that a new life awaits, and being a believer I think this will be a new way to serve others. I have to tell you all something, something that non-believers may just scoff at, but here goes: my best friends over the last decade who passed away two years ago, had a plan for me! He had a lot of plans, but this one he kept going back to. It was that I would become a pastor in a local manufactured home neighborhood, and I would lead a ministry and live there. I said I have too much invested on living where I was with my family. It turns out Nathan and I are ending up in the very community he said I needed to be in. I cannot get that out of my head. And it was far from a directed act that I ended up where we are going. Anyway Moni, and all - I am looking forward, but my heart , my soul, my mond is plagued by loss and the past, that is causing me anxiety, dep depression and I need to get past it. it is hard being alone and doing that. I thank all of you for helping me NOT be so alone. I need to work through believing I wont be alone and being satisfied with those who stick by me, and not worry, and fret over those that do not. I want to say, to Hell with them, and move forward. not remember the losses, family, friends, traditions...but it is hard. I know you all understand that and I am glad you read this through.

Love and hugs to you all. My you look forward in your life.

Marcie
 

Linde

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Marcie, I was at the very same point, just about 18 years ago. I was married for 36 years to the love of my life, and all of a sudden, she was gone.
I was all alone. I was suicidal at thst point, but a very good yherapist got me onto the road of living life again.
The holidays of the first few years were sad,but good friends made sure that I was not alone on these days.
I gradually started to build up my new life to the point, at which I am now. A very happy woman.
I never found a new life partner, but that is OK, but the good lord did send this young, pretty woman across my path, who needed my help because she had lost her home.
I took her in, and it was the best thing of my new life.
She has become the sunshine of my life, my girl Amber.
I am pretty sure you will find your way, the same I found mine, and you also will find your Amber, you just have to learn to open your heart.

Hugs
Linde
 

NicoleT

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Apr 8, 2020
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754
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@marcieelizabeth .... I understand loss and looking backwards. Something that can Honshu give you sitting still for sometimes hours at a time maybe longer. I found that looking forward and trying to stay positive is the only way through it ........you don’t get over it .......you endure it and try to make the current life you have better. I too can’t wait for Covid to go away so we can all get together have trips and enjoy ourselves.

I’ve been thinking about you lately, I know you’ve been through quite a bit. It always seems when we seem to conquer one thing, three more things come down the path. Can’t wait for 2020 to just go away.....

Either way, we are all here for you.

Big hugs 🤗

Nicole
 

Donica

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851
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Depressed today, was yesterday. Little things trigger me lately. I am as Moni said looking forward to much! I am looking forward to being in a place that is not where my wife and I raised our children, a place where I may once COVID is over may have friends in to visit. I am looking forward to getting =past some of our financial issues once we are not paying bills on three homes. I am looking forward to having time to do things rather than packing and moving things. I am looking forward to celebrating holidays, but concerned about what that will look like, with who and where I will miss my wife, and her family during the holidays. I will miss the traditions. Many cannot happen now that we are not together. i am looking forward to doing some art - photography, painting, crafts and more, to singing and joining a choir - it has been years since I have been part of one. I fear what that may lead to in terms of others responses. I look forward to a life I do not and cannot really imagine until it gets here. I AM TRULY LOOKING FORWARD. But I am also so anxious about all that getting there requires, and about not moving forward well. I feel very alone in that I have not in 39 years been alone. My wife, the true love of my former self's life was right by my side until she was not. Not able to rectify who I am with who I was, who she saw as being with her looking forward. My oldest daughter said to me, I have to let go of the future I thought we (me and her) would have had. I am depressed because my older daughter talks to her Mom often, and me never. I know she is struggling, and I am unsure how to move forward with her. I fear being alone. But it also excites me that a new life awaits, and being a believer I think this will be a new way to serve others. I have to tell you all something, something that non-believers may just scoff at, but here goes: my best friends over the last decade who passed away two years ago, had a plan for me! He had a lot of plans, but this one he kept going back to. It was that I would become a pastor in a local manufactured home neighborhood, and I would lead a ministry and live there. I said I have too much invested on living where I was with my family. It turns out Nathan and I are ending up in the very community he said I needed to be in. I cannot get that out of my head. And it was far from a directed act that I ended up where we are going. Anyway Moni, and all - I am looking forward, but my heart , my soul, my mond is plagued by loss and the past, that is causing me anxiety, dep depression and I need to get past it. it is hard being alone and doing that. I thank all of you for helping me NOT be so alone. I need to work through believing I wont be alone and being satisfied with those who stick by me, and not worry, and fret over those that do not. I want to say, to Hell with them, and move forward. not remember the losses, family, friends, traditions...but it is hard. I know you all understand that and I am glad you read this through.

Love and hugs to you all. My you look forward in your life.

Marcie
It seems that Covid has put the breaks on far too many things. But even through uncertainty, you speak of the strength to keep moving forward, and that is very inspiring to others. Marcie, I hear the fear, strength, courage, and the excitement in looking forward to new life in your writings. This is all exciting to me and inspirational to us all. I wish you well in your new journey.

Hugs!
 

Moni

Fight for self love!
Joined
Feb 1, 2020
Messages
1,571
So glad we talked today. I do really like the forward looking aspect to what you wrote here. Marcie, never forget that the control of things that is within your reach, you must actively use. Reach out and fight for relationships that others might sabotage, don't be passive. You will regret it if you don't act. And thanks for listening to me. Hugs!
 
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