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Lexxi

Moderator
Staff member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
1,211
Gender Pronouns
She, Her, Hers, Herself
Gender Identity
Female
Hello all,

My name is Lexxi and I'm a 50 year old trans woman. I've known that I was different for as long as I can remember. I was in kindergarten when I first realized that even though I was a boy, I certainly didn't feel like one. In my mind I was a little girl who enjoyed playing dolls with my female classmates and had no interest in playing with the boys or their traditional male centered toys. I wanted to have long hair and cried every time my mom forced me to go the barber shop. I also loved wearing what I call soft clothes. In other words they're clothes that would be more appropriate on girls. Of course children being as cruel as they can be, and me being different enough that I stood out, I was teased mercilessly. In order to put a stop to their torture I started playing the roll of a boy, and that carried on for most of my life.

I'm almost positive that every one who reads this have gone through some of the same treatment I did, so I don't have to explain how painful life has been...most of you already know. The only way I was able to get through it was to tamp down the real me and always remain in my male character. Every time I thought too much about the hidden me it would send me into a pretty bad depression that I could never tell anyone about. I felt truly alone. I tried to never think about the female me because to do so hurt so bad. In essence I had to become the world's greatest actor in order to survive.

Sadly I'm afraid that I'll never be able to realize the dream of openly living as a woman. See I don't think I'll ever be able to pass for a natal woman. I'm a giant so to speak. I'm 6'2" and weigh way too much and look pretty masculine. I also have a very deep voice. I'm talking about Sam Elliott type of deep too. I've spent some time practicing my female voice and sometimes I think I'll finally have it right...until I listen to a recording of it, and I still sound almost exactly the same way as I always do. It's very disheartening to say the least. I'm pretty sure that eventually I'll have to have vocal surgery that will give me my female voice, and I'm okay with that. It's whatever works in my opinion.

I have had a big change in my life though that has brought about a lot of changes. I got divorced way back in 2010 and moved into an apartment. Since I live alone in my apartment I'm free to dress, act, or fantasize however I want and no one will ever be the wiser. So in my little world I'm a very different person. I'm free to be the real me. In an effort to make myself happy I've started growing my hair longer, shaving my legs, and wearing the clothes that I feel comfortable in.

Being a bigger guy I already had a bit of a larger chest on me before I even started HRT. Some would have called them "man boobs", but I also told myself that they were the real thing. They actually made me feel like the woman I was always supposed to be. I've been on my HRT now for 6 months and I'm starting to show some changes. Some of them I apparently can't see though, but others I can. I didn't even realize the changes were becoming obvious until I walked into my local gas station yesterday and one of the cashiers I know asked me what was different about me...she said I looked like I was younger. I told her I was making some changes in my life, and I wasn't one of those procrastinators who wait to make their changes on New Year's day, I was working hard on them now. I'm starting to actually feel like a "real" woman even though my looks don't show it yet.

I only have 6 more months until I'll be eligible for GCS. Both of my doctors have already said they'll sign the paperwork with their recommendations for surgery. Some girls go for other surgeries before jumping to GCS, but I'm different. I won't be anywhere close to feeling like a complete woman until I have my proper "equipment" for my gender. After GCS I plan on doing voice surgery next, then finishing it off with FFS. I don't have any interest in having a BA done. As long as I have breasts that are noticeable then I'll be happy...they don't have to be huge or anything like that. I really hope to have C cups if any higher powers are reading this though. haha

Okay so that's me in a nutshell. If you have any questions I look forward to reading them. You can ask me anything because on here I'm an open book. If you couldn't tell by this long letter I like to talk a whole lot, so sorry in advance if any of my posts get too long.

Lexxi
 

...

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 20, 2019
Messages
119
Hi Lexxi

So good to see you here too.
May me you know me from somewhere else.......

Best wishes
Margrit
 

Lexxi

Moderator
Staff member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
1,211
Gender Pronouns
She, Her, Hers, Herself
Gender Identity
Female
Hi Margrit,

I'm not sure where I'd know you from. Can you give me a clue?

Lexxi
 

Linde

Adminstrator
Staff member
Joined
Dec 10, 2019
Messages
5,261
Gender Pronouns
She, Her, Hers, Herself
Gender Identity
Intersex
Lexxi said:
Hi Margrit,

I'm not sure where I'd know you from. Can you give me a clue?

Lexxi
Just to step in, cause Margrit is still sleeping over there in in beautiful Switzerland, she is also over on the dark side forum, where she and I became friends!
 

Lexxi

Moderator
Staff member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
1,211
Gender Pronouns
She, Her, Hers, Herself
Gender Identity
Female
Hi Liz,

I'd heard you were going to be joining us and I was happy to hear that. It's like a great big family reunion. Sorry I haven't answered before now. I was busy with Christmas stuff.

Lexxi
 

OzGirl

Global Moderator
Staff member
Joined
Dec 24, 2019
Messages
3,148
Gender Pronouns
She, Her, Hers, Herself
Gender Identity
Female
Welcome Lexxi! Or should I say thank you for welcoming me! So far I am feeling so at home on this site, with so many familiar names and people I respect, but I hold a special place in my heart for you sister!!  You have been there for me through triumph and tragedy, and i will return that respect.

Have a great Christmas day (only 5 more hours until santa tries to find my non existent chimney!)

love,

Allie
 

Lexxi

Moderator
Staff member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
1,211
Gender Pronouns
She, Her, Hers, Herself
Gender Identity
Female
OMG Allie...you finally arrived!! I've been waiting for you @OzGirl. Well I was waiting for a while, but then I took some time out to have supper and watch 2 hours of Gold Rush on TV. But I was waiting in my heart.  ;)

I'm so glad that you're finding the site suitable. I'm also pretty happy that you already know so many people here. I was surprised to find all these girls already signed up. The last time I was logged in there were only about five people here. That was about 24 hours ago, lol.

But it's all good...at least we're all together now. I'm quite certain there will be a lot of other people show up that we know. I still have a few people that I want to invite. I guess I can go ahead and do that now. It's gonna be kinda weird inviting them because I don't want to do it from the other site, because everyone's PM's are being spied on and read by certain people, so I'm going to have to do it with the email addresses the joined the site with. I hope no one gets mad and reports me.  ;D ;D

Speaking of which I rarely ever post there anymore, but I get reported and complained about nearly every time. For instance one of the posts I made the other day got censored because I said some bullies were being buttholes. I used that word because I was toning down the other word I would have preferred to use. Apparently butthole would be offensive to the children they're trying to attract to their site. It had something to do with the childproof censor programs used in the schools or something; as if the word transgender wouldn't set off the alarms and immediately block the site.

But oh well I suppose I don't have to get my blood pressure up over that site anymore. Onward toward better things I always say. So will you be really busy over the Christmas holiday? My family already celebrated ours, but I still have to go visit my daughter at her mom's house on Christmas day. When we got divorced we made a pact to spend that day together as a family, and my daughter would be very upset if we quit doing that.

We play a fun game every year called Christmas trivia and my daughter is the game master. The games have advanced to a cutthroat level. My ex stepson even went out and had a trophy made for it. Whoever wins gets the trophy to take home for the year, but they have to bring it back so it can be awarded to the next year's winner. In the 8 years of the competition I've won the trophy only once...but I'm really hoping to take the title this year. It's really fun, funny, and quite competitive too. A good time is usually had by all.

It's funny how something as a silly game is able to bring so many people together. I say that because even though I don't like my ex in-laws and they don't like me, we get along just for my daughter. She even brings up how much she's looking forward to the game a couple of times throughout the year. I guess it's our family tradition now.

Anyway sorry to run off at the mouth like that. I hope you and your family have a spectacular Christmas (your last one in male presentation). I'll talk to you later girl!

xoxo
Lexxi

 

Jessica

Moderator
Staff member
Joined
Dec 23, 2019
Messages
232
Great to see you here Lexxi!
I’m surprised you didn’t sign up as Alexandra Danielle ☺️

Hugs and smiles, Jess
 

Laurie

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 23, 2019
Messages
53
Hi Lexxi,

  I am glad to see you here also. And yes I am glad to have you as a friend on my other rant and addiction site faceplant.

Hugs,
  Laurie
 

Lexxi

Moderator
Staff member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
1,211
Gender Pronouns
She, Her, Hers, Herself
Gender Identity
Female
Jessica said:
Great to see you here Lexxi!
I’m surprised you didn’t sign up as Alexandra Danielle ☺️

Hugs and smiles, Jess

I was going to but it seems like everyone knows me by Lexxi by now. Except my Facebook peeps that is...they're used to seeing Alexandra Danielle I guess. I made the mistake of signing up for FB and using my full name. Now they won't let me go back in and change it. But that's okay...either way is fine.

xoxo
Lexxi
 

Lexxi

Moderator
Staff member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
1,211
Gender Pronouns
She, Her, Hers, Herself
Gender Identity
Female
Laurie said:
Hi Lexxi,

  I am glad to see you here also. And yes I am glad to have you as a friend on my other rant and addiction site faceplant.

Hugs,
  Laurie

You're right about Facebook of course. I spend WAAAAAY too much time on there. I can tell myself I'm gonna sign in just to check and see if I have any messages...then 9 hours later I'll finally log out. LOL

Lexxi
 

MaryT

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 26, 2019
Messages
50
Hi Lexxi,
It's nice to learn more about you.  I hope that things go well with your planned surgery.
 
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