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Just a quote from a Netflix special

Emma

Well-known member
Joined
May 8, 2020
Messages
139
This is a quote that I ran across recently in my google docs. It’s from a Netflix special; I don’t remember the name of the special. Anyway, I thought it profound at the time so I kept backing it up until I could get it transcribed. It’s about being vulnerable and I hope it inspires someone:

“Vulnerability is hard, and it’s scary and it feels dangerous. But it’s not as hard, scary or dangerous as getting to the end of our lives and having to ask ourselves, what if I would have shown up?”
 

Maybebaby56

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 14, 2020
Messages
142
Answers to problems are obvious once they are solved. Hindsight is easier to acquire than wisdom. I am at the end of my life, and I didn't show up until a few years ago.

I had a chance to tell a psychologist what was torturing me at age 13. I stayed silent out of fear.

I had a chance to actually initiate and pay for medical transition when I was 24, but I was clueless how to proceed.

Finally, at age 56 (part of my screen name), I decided to attempt transition, convinced it was hopeless but driven by desperation. There were simply no other options left.

Somehow, some way, I did it. I transitioned. After a while, the initial giddiness and joy settled into pointed introspection. "Why didn't I transition sooner?" I look at one my younger trans girlfriends, who is 25 and drop-dead gorgeous, and I think, "Fuck, that could have been me."

It took me a while to realize that this was a terribly misplaced self-indictment. No, I could not have transition sooner. Had I tried at age 13 to say something, I would not have been helped to transition, I would have been subjected to various "cures", because by definition I was mentally ill. As a minor I would have had absolutely no say over what was done to me. I had some e-mail exchanges a few years ago with a trans woman about my age who was caught, at age 12, trying on her mother's lipstick. She was eventually sent to a mental institution for three years, and subjected to electroshock treatments and forcibly medicated, in addiiton to being raped by the staff. I don't know if that would have happened to me, but it certainly gives you an idea of the prevailing medical wisdom at the time.

Had I tried to transition at age 24, in 1981, I would have had no clue where to start. There was no internet. Transsexualism was still a mental illness. Certainly I would have been a social outcast. I never would have been able to pursue my professional career. That is why I so admire the people who transitioned in the 70s, 80s, and 90s. It was much, much tougher then.

I transitioned when I did because that was when I was strong enough, society was accepting enough, and medical and mental health support was advanced enough for me to be able to pull it off.

"For of all sad words of tongue or pen, The saddest are these: 'It might have been!' "

My life is full of regrets, but I have to realize I did the best I could.

Wistfully,

Terri
 

Emma

Well-known member
Joined
May 8, 2020
Messages
139
Teri, you did fine. We all do the best we can and that’s all we can do.

I too have some of the regrets. Ironically, I should’ve transitioned as a youth too, but there was no one to talk to back then, no support. I knew I was a girl, but I hadn’t even heard of the term transgender until I was well into adulthood. I’d pray every night that I’d wake up and be a girl, took me six months to realize no one was going to save me. I was picked on enough in school to know not to say a word. I didn’t even have a name for how I felt. I was alone and a freak. Looking back on things, the world that has changed I don’t think I could’ve done anything differently back then really. But part of me still thinks that I could have and that’s where the regret comes in. Maybe I just wasn’t strong enough. Maybe I was a coward. Idk. Besides hindsight is 20/20. I look at today’s transitioning youth and it’s a very complex emotion. I’m super happy and excited for them, but there’s also that element of anger as that should’ve been me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad things are easier today and information is so readily available. Note: easier not easy. When I started hormones, it was the Wild West at UW. I tried pretty much everything. I’d say I sampled estrogen in all it’s various forms like a college kid sampling club drugs. Finally settling on what I liked and what works. Luckily, my current doc has lots of experience with trans and is super cool. Like I told her, I like my levels to be good. I didn’t have SRS just so I can become a post menopausal woman. I feared when I was younger what people might think or do. It was bad enough already. When my mom and dad found out I was having SRS, they’re only comment was “that’s radical”. I thought, um no, easy decision that makes perfect sense. Anyway, once they found out that I was alive after the surgery, I haven’t talked to them since. They’ve ghosted me. So it’s kinda that realization of the fear I had as a child. They never did know of the two suicide attempts and the self-harm to try to become a girl. It hurts, but is neither here nor there at this point. At some point we just have to live an authentic life. I’m a grown woman and finally comfortable and confident in who I am. Anyway, a lot of words just to say your perfect just the way you are.
 

Moni

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 1, 2020
Messages
831
As I look back, I was thoroughly convinced by the world that it was my lot in life to grin and bear and hide the inner voice inside me. Their was no thought of anything else. I would not, in later years even allow myself to view anything on the computer trans related. I suspect that a number of guests visiting sites like this feel the same way today. I don't beat myself up about this now. In a sense, I was lucky enough to be able to hide my femininity when I was young. No one knew. I was not picked on then. Vulnerability, to me now is the essence of what I have changed. In accepting my vulnerability, I have also accepted my feminine nature. Accepting my vulnerability is one of the strongest things I have ever done. I will miss out on some things in this life. It is a fact. So, I can sit and waste time mourning that or I can live life to its fullest. I didn't do all this to be a sad person. I've come to terms with life not being perfect. I love to laugh, I love to tease, I feel the air in my lungs and know I'm alive and this is my one and only chance. If I ever have a tombstone they can write on it, "Crazy woman enjoyed the hell out of life." Even if I'm not that crazy. :)
 

Maybebaby56

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 14, 2020
Messages
142
Teri, you did fine. We all do the best we can and that’s all we can do.

I didn’t even have a name for how I felt. I was alone and a freak. Looking back on things, the world that has changed I don’t think I could’ve done anything differently back then really. But part of me still thinks that I could have and that’s where the regret comes in. Maybe I just wasn’t strong enough. Maybe I was a coward.
That's what I came to realize as well.

I look at today’s transitioning youth and it’s a very complex emotion. I’m super happy and excited for them, but there’s also that element of anger as that should’ve been me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad things are easier today and information is so readily available. Note: easier not easy.
I so agree with this. I made the mistake of being born at the wrong time.

Anyway, once they found out that I was alive after the surgery, I haven’t talked to them since. They’ve ghosted me. So it’s kinda that realization of the fear I had as a child.They never did know of the two suicide attempts and the self-harm to try to become a girl. It hurts, but is neither here nor there at this point. At some point we just have to live an authentic life. .
@Emma I'm so sorry to hear of your suicide attempts. I never joined the "Transition or Die" club, but I filled out the paperwork. Dysphoria is just so fucking relentless. And more to the point, how can anyone abandon their own child?? This is beyond my comprehension. I am so, so sorry you had to endure this.

I’m a grown woman and finally comfortable and confident in who I am. Anyway, a lot of words just to say your perfect just the way you are
And there it is, isn't it? Living life as a woman. That's all we can do. I don't know about perfect, but transition was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, and I earned every inch of it.

Blessings to you,

Terri
 
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Linde

Ready to sleep after a hard day
Staff member
Joined
Dec 10, 2019
Messages
2,471
You ladies had the chances to transition in the later good times. I felt wrong all my life, and was just told that some people simply are like that. Nobody had ever heard that one could change one's gender. I dabbled along with my different feeling life, finished my education, got a job, got married and had to care for my family. My ex and I laughed about the fact that she had more hair on her chest than I did, and that she had to shave her legs, or arm pits, but I did not.
I still had no idea why I was different than other men, but life with my job and family was good, until................................the entire sharade exploded. I became the most mean and icky, angry person in the world, and finally drove my wife away.
A therapist helped me from not taking my life, and a little later some test results of a genome analysis program, I volunteered for, came back with the result that I have the genetic structure of a post menopausal female!!!
Subsequent testing brought up the fact that I had XX chromosomes, and a lot of other mutation junk. Shortly thereafter I changed over into an androgynous life that was followed with changing over into a female after some time,
All the time of my life, I tried to be male to meet the standards of the gender I was supposed to be. I never ever tried to be a female, but was hoping I could be a real man if I just tried hard enough. It did not work out, because my body was not made to be male, and my mind could not grasp masculinity either.
Along the line I learned that the DSM-4 did not really know intersex, it was just a biological deformation of the body, and could not be coded for any special treatment. The DSM-5 puts intersex together with gender identity disorders. Because of this, WPATH requirements apply to intersex people who want to get their genitalia corrected to fit their body. This brought me fully into the entire trans community.
I had to do the year living as a woman, the year on estrogen, and the two infamous letters after I decided at some point that I would like to get SRS surgery.
I am just happy that I never had to deal with unwanted body hair, and any need for facial surgery, or removal of an Adams Apple. And I am very happy that my hairline never changed.
Sometimes I wonder what would have been, if I would have been gendered as female after I was born, and nobody would have done anything to my genitalia at that time. Would I have been a happy girl/teenager, instead of an unhappy boy/youngster?
Would I have had the same ambitions to get on with my education and profession? Or would I just have married, and lived my life as a wife?
I wish, I would not have wasted almost a decade with some kind of an androgynous life, and would have changed over into a woman at the time I left the man behind?
I will never know, and try to make the best of my current life, and continue to live as a pretty happy woman, who had a slightly rocky path to get there.




Hugs
Linde
 
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