I'm a survivor

[Adora]

Hello everyone. I figured out how to view the forum not phone. Its not the best way for me to view as at time it's hard to see.
I am ok and safe. My wife is upset and dosent know how to process this information so yes the initial shock and disbelief is right on par. She is being amiable to me as o am to her. But I will stress this our marriage is done fore. We both know this. She tried to invite me back home but there were stipulations that there would not be any moving forward with my plans. I just told her that will not work. She believes I have a sick mental disorder that I believe and know it is from the religion and doctrine her church has taught her all her life. So trying to make the ma=image work won't happen.
But as I said in other threads I am gong to financially take care of her for as long as I can. She understood that. Now there will be friendly moments between us as in not abounding her. I just know I had to removeyself from the situation as I didn't want it to become more toxic then it already was. I love her and she loves me. So it I will take time to heal.

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[OzGirl]

Aaron, it is great to see you can connect with us, but I so feel for your situation, and all trans people dealing with religious partners. When I told my ex before we got married, she literally disappeared for 2 weeks, and in her mind, our relationship was over. She wouldn't answer my calls so I knew things weren't great, but all I could do was wait. She just turned up at my door, and said she had long realised I had a strong female side, but had never consciously acknowledged it, and she had now realised it was a big part of what she was attracted to. 4 months later we married. She has never been able to fully accept me being a woman, but 21 years after she walked out, we are still together.

Give your wife some time, and let her know there is still love, and who knows what might eventuate!

Hugs,

Allie

 

[Linde]

Aaron, no cis person will ever understand what it means to be trans. They all think it is something we decide for, and could turn it on or off at will.
Specifically very religious people think this. My best friends for more than 25 years, who are also very evangelical told me he ame your wife believes, when I came out to them. They wanted me to check into an institution to get my brain problem cured.
well, they are not my fiends anymore, and I am a woman for several years now.

I wish you luck with your wife.


Hugs
Linde

 

[Confused]

Aaron,

I'm glad you found a way. I figured you would have trouble using your phone.

I agree with Allie 100% You and your wife have been together a long time. It takes some time to process this. Showing her love can make all the difference.

As for cis or religious types not accepting this, I would have to agree to a very large degree. However there are some on this forum including myself who many would consider religious, that have realized that some of what is being pushed in many churches is not all scriptural. There are some who can learn. Sadly most don't want to and would rather put us into a category like they did the Lepers. It hurts when those are the ones you love.

It has not been all smooth sailing with my wife either. I was totally blown away at the reaction from my Pastor. It has actually helped with my wife.

Looking forward to meeting in person!

Mike

 

[Adora]

ok I am back with my computer.
Last night my wife wanted me to stay the night at her moms to go thru things of wha I wanted to take and such. I took her out to eat beforehand to show mu peace offering. Once we cot home, the tone was calm and somber, She asked questions about what made me feel this way. I listened till she was finished. She and her mother believe my computer was a huge part of my attitude in all this. I knew it was going to come up and I was animate that it played a tiny part in everything, as I used it to reach out to you all and to find information on the process and what dysphoria was. Granted she still brlelieves I Have a deep seed mental problem. I couldn't disagree as yes this all begins at the mental lever and the problem is Im not male I am female and I need to correct this.
We calmly talked in-depth about the future and we both had a heavy heart felt cry she he'd me and I held her. She is worried that in the future there will be no one to take care of me as my parent are in they 70s and wot last forever. I knew this but I was doing what I needed to do. I cried for her cause I wasn't going to leave her high and dry, emotionally and financially insecure.
we both agreed that we are here to take care of each other. but our marriage is pretty much done as once I start my transition she doest wast to know as a lesbian as she doesn't support that more will she ever. I said to her I understand and for the time being even though my home is here with my parents, my residence is still with her. we agree to b amiable and stay friends. we talked about finances and agreed on what was mine and what was her so there will me no squabbling on that. We have and unconditional love and understand for each other. But it is still an early stage as feeling may change as time pass better or worse we have to stick together in some way.
Yes you are right , what is thought in christianity religions isn't spiritual , its a self serving practice to rectify what they are comfortable. My father read me scripture in the Bible , and believe me he knows his bible, that there are mention of trans gender people even back in the old and new testament. I was blown away. but I won't dwell on this as I need to learn more for my self.
All in all I think me and my wife made a bit of a break thru, but I will have to let time pass and se how we grow from this as nothing trues around 180 in such a short time..I have see it, hear for my self. No matter what though I will not be deterred from my path, not my wife, not any church, or even political group is strong enough to take me on. Period.

 

[Monica]

Being trans is physiological. It is not a choice, a life style, a disorder or a mental problem, and it is definitely not a moral failure. It is a fact, it is legitimate, and people who are trans are deserving of respect and love. It should be shunned no more then left handed people. In fact that is a good analogy because left handed people are wired a bit different than the majority, just as trans people are wired a bit differently. No one calls lefties sick or evil, and one day hopefully we will get that same attitude. Aaron, I love your strength. When it comes to two people who are in a marriage, and one realizes they are trans, the love, if it is true, should stay. The respect should stay. We can not blame anyone though if they cannot accept the new situation. After all, it is a pretty profound change to deal with. We can't fault anyone for not wanting to stay as things were. There are many couples, I am a part of one couple, where we stay together in love, but the love is different. It is more a friendship than a full couple relationship now. It is a good solution for some people who face the reality that being trans is a part of who they are. It sounds like you two are talking and respecting each other. That is exceptionally good. I hope though, in this challenging time, that you stay strong in knowing you are a good person and that you are doing nothing wrong. You sound like you have your act together pretty well. Good luck as you go forward.

 

[Confused]

Moni, I am old enough to have known some that were left handed growing up, but were forced to use their right hand. It was considered evil by some at one time. I do agree with your analogy. I only hope Aaron's wife can see that her love for Aaron has not diminished.

I have mentioned elsewhere that at one point I started to feel like a Leper in a conversation with my wife. I told her I just wanted Love and companionship and that I couldn't Love her anymore than I do. Thankfully it has improved from there. Many here go through similar things. I am praying that can happen for Aaron as well.

 

[Monica]

From what I've read from you, it would be her tragedy if she had rejected you. Yeah, I think we're all pulling for Aaron.

 

[Adora]

I thank you so much for your words of encouragement, it helps me keep moving in the direction I dow I should be going,

 

[OzGirl]

Aaron, it frustrates me so much to see marriages and families break down due to a misunderstanding. What you have doesn’t come from a mental level, and isn’t a choice you make. While you were developing in Your mothers womb, fluctuations in hormones caused your brain to develop differently to your body gender. This isn’t a mental condition, but a medical condition. It cannot be cured with psychology, but must be treated medically. In a way, this is the life your parents gave you.

I have come out to hundreds of people, most of who believed being trans was a mental thing that we needed to make us happy. Assuming you have a choice, and choose to ruin marriages and families, is why people reject trans people, but this is simply not the case, and all of the people I have explained my situation to have accepted me and become supporters. Learn about why you are this way and teach your loved ones, and watch their attitude change.

Hugs,

Allie

 

[Kenna]

Hi Aaron,
My marriage ended before I knew my gender so I can't offer you a lot on that topic other than to admire the fact that you still respect each other. That is so important and so valuable! On the topic of religion and trans, I've found that many of the short YouTube videos by Austen Hatke really useful as he addresses so many of the questions we are so often challenged with by religious people, or that we ask ourselves, in nice short videos, but with enough detail to be satisfying. He is transgender and is now one of the leaders of the Transmission Ministry Collective, which might or might not be useful for you.
Hugs,
-Kenna

 

[Adora]

I will check this out, honestly my confusion does stem biblically as I know what is written in the bible, though there are many stories, face and learning Im not familiar with, so thant you

 

[Adora]

Hey Gang, Im doing well today, I went to my foot Doctor appointment and things are going great with my healing of my left big toe and achelliez tendon.
Yesterday was also a really positive day for me as I told my sister who id 10 years my senior of my life decision, though the is not for it, she not against it, and still loves me and accepts me for who I am, I will alway be her lil baby brother. Along telling her she told each of her children as well and I have been getting positive messages from each, so Im at a bit of A glow.

 

[Emma]

I think that’s a pretty good reaction from your sister tbh Aaron. I’ve yet to run into a cis person who would be like yeah, let’s get to this. Likewise, I’ve yet to run into a cis person who understands us. Imho acceptance is more important than understanding but requires faith in you. So it’s a very positive reaction and you should feel good about that as you do.

Also, it’s important that you allowed her the memories of what will be the former you. Although you will be changing in a lot of ways people close to you will feel as though you are becoming a completely new person. There is some grieving involved in the loss of the old you to them. But it’s different because it’s a grief without closure. So not shunning those old memories that they have is a tether for them toward acceptance and the hopefully eventual realization that you never really left. That you are the same person just living as who you really have always been. Just remember that their memories are cherished by them and part of who you are today.

I’m excited for your journey as I’m sure you are as well.

 

[Adora]

I now am starting to understand my wife now as she did make the comment that this event is like loosing her father, to her its like her Husband is passing away , and being replace with this forging entity that she docent understand anything about. I believe she is comming to accepting arms as her way of talking and demeanor is completely different from the way she talked after I had told her. So all in all if she is accepting of me, its all I need, she doest hav to understand, bon support the process as long as she knows Im always going to be her friend.

 

[Adora]

My wife I believe is trying to use scare tactics on me now, she's told me of a lady who's brother had the same process and surgery done for then and it totally messed the up mentally and physically. plus her research of art upping risks of different cancers, mentioning the organs of the reproductive system. I just had to nod and say ok, I know..
What I think she forgetting is every persons individual was is different. This person she mention could have not thought this all thru, they may not have been taking their hormones correctly, nor go to the doctor to keep they levels check . As far a cancers, I don't think she's realizing the bottom does not involve installing a reproductive system, as much as that would be fantastic, it more cosmetic...so Im not deterring my self. I know I have medical problems have had cancer, but as with everything you have to consider the benefits and the risks...if there are more benefits in this to me, then risks thats great. I know I have the best medical care around so Im not scared of the out come what ever it will be

 

[Confused]

I spent the day with a very special person named Aaron today, and I am Ecstatic!

 

[Maddie]

Faith in your medical care is huge!

Aaron hope your wife can understand it the way you explained it here.

All the best to you both

 

[Marie62]

@Aaron this could be scare “tactics”, but she could also plain be scared for you. It is great to hear how quickly she went from shocked rejection to talking, though, so the two of you are on the right track!
Keep your faith in yourself and in her and you will manage to find a good way with her.

 

[Adora]

Im Special! Yay!...lol