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Donica

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Kimmy! It's because you are owning this. When you present confidently, it usually reflects back on you. It can even disarm those with other intentions.
 

KimOct

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Please donate. I kicked in my $10 just now. Yeah it's not a lot but if 45 people do it out of 600 we would be good.

As I say often please don't let the people that do the work here pay for it also. ( I am not one of the people that do the work ) I just post my obnoxious and occasionally intelligent opinions.

If you like it here help out just a little bit. I have no connection with Paypal and this is about all I use it for but if the privacy makes you feel better then great - try that.

From a selfish perspective I worry that the people covering the costs may get tired of doing so someday. They have bills to pay too. Not sayin.. just sayin. :LOL:
 

KimOct

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Been missing lately since the weekend at Bernie's - oops I mean @Monica 's. :LOL:

Busy weekend Friday dinner on date #3 / Sat party with work friends and Sun poker tournament.

So while getting ready for my date I had an 'I remember when' moment.

I was standing at the sink brushing my teeth and it struck me how unbelievably different my life is than 10 or 15 years ago.

I remember when I was driving on a business trip from Mpls to DesMoines about 12 years ago and I was wearing a set of press on nails while driving. I was so nervous... what if a car passed me and saw my nails
:oops::oops::LOL:

Who the hell would be looking over to check my hands but that fear was indicative of how deep I was in the closet.

For some reason that drive popped in my mind while I was getting ready on Friday.

And now here I was with my professionally done nails - long dyed hair - artificial eyelashes applied in a salon - small breasts - legally female - birth certificate and drivers license. And I was getting ready to go on a date with a bisexual woman. o_O WHAT ????!!!!!!!!

How much my life has changed is amazing. I was always such a conformist. That is why transitioning was so hard for me. I feared everything that anyone would think.

And finally after most of my life I decided to be the real me. Better late than never.

And it can happen to you too. If you accept the concept that this is your one life and your fears are based on lies. There are no do overs. Make it happen if it is what you want. I'm happy I did.
 

OzGirl

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That takes me back to a frightening day where I was home alone as Allie, curtains drawn, and no music lest someone realise I was at home. I was being as quiet as a mouse when the front doorbell rang. I dropped to the floor behind the couch, paranoid my intruder might find a crack in my blinds to peer through. They didn't leave, and knocked loudly. I froze, then heard footseps going away from my front door. Discovery would mean the end of everything I cherished, so I sighed heavily, and began to rise as I heard my side gate open.

Panic ripped through me, the family room door was unlocked and the curtains were open to let the winter sun stream in. From that door, they could see almost every part of my living area. I made a run for my bedroom, praying they weren't looking in, and heard a knock on the glass door. I was crying in terror by now, certain I had been discovered, and convinced these 2 men were here to rob me.

I could just hear them talking, and they were saying something was wrong, because I had a gas hot water service. I could hear one of the guys on the phone and then swearing, as he told his mate that the wrong address had been placed on the work order. They left and i ran to the toilet, feeling dripping in my panties, but soon realised I was dripping with sweat all over. I rushed out and locked that glass door, then shut out that winter sun. I dissolved into tears, and when I was finished I needed to take a shower. I guess it was more than an hour before my heart rate returned to normal.

This week I was happy to help a delivery guy squeeze my new couch through that very same door which hosted my terror all those years ago. I guess he could see I was trans, but there is no longer any fear of loss from that discovery. I am me, and everybody knows me as me!

Hugs,

Allie
 
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Donica

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I know the feeling! My most recent was a little over 4 years ago. I had given my apartment manager permission to enter my apartment in the event of an emergency if I was not home. Well... I was sitting at my piano (facing the front door) bangin away on the keys, wearing nothing but headphones, cami top, and panties. I didn't hear the knock on the door, when all of a sudden, my door started to open.... I screamed "No no don't come in" as I ran to the bedroom to put something on. I think she saw me cause when I returned to greet her, she had an ear to ear grin on her face.
 
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KimOct

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That takes me back to a frightening day where I was home alone as Allie, curtains drawn, and no music lest someone realise I was at home. I was being as quiet as a mouse when the front doorbell rang. I dropped to the floor behind the couch, paranoid my intruder might find a crack in my blinds to peer through. They didn't leave, and knocked loudly. I froze, then heard footseps going away from my front door. Discovery would mean the end of everything I cherished, so I sighed heavily, and began to rise as I heard my side gate open.

Panic ripped through me, the family room door was unlocked and the curtains were open to let the winter sun stream in. From that door, they could see almost every part of my living area. I made a run for my bedroom, praying they weren't looking in, and heard a knock on the glass door. I was crying in terror by now, certain I had been discovered, and convinced these 2 men were here to rob me.

I could just hear them talking, and they were saying something was wrong, because I had a gas hot water service. I could hear one of the guys on the phone and then swearing, as he told his mate that the wrong address had been placed on the work order. They left and i ran to the toilet, feeling dripping in my panties, but soon realised I was dripping with sweat all over. I rushed out and locked that glass door, then shut out that winter sun. I dissolved into tears, and when I was finished I needed to take a shower. I guess it was more than an hour before my heart rate returned to normal.

This week I was happy to help a delivery guy squeeze my new couch through that very same door which hosted my terror all those years ago. I guess he could see I was trans, but there is no longer any fear of loss from that discovery. I am me, and everybody knows me as me!

Hugs,

Allie
Wow - thanks for sharing that. Yep those moments of near discovery were always terrifying for me too. And for what? That someone would know who we are? The reason we felt that fear is that we had been bombarded our entire lives with messages from society that there was something wrong with us. We were taught to feel that way. And it is BS but it takes a lot of work to unlearn all of that crap.

Thanks again for sharing.
 

Linde

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Autism is your friend. I never had such fear. I am missing those kinds of emotions.


Linde
 

KimOct

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Autism is your friend. I never had such fear. I am missing those kinds of emotions.


Linde
Autism is not anyone's friend. That is like saying cancer is your friend.

I have 3 children. 2 are severely Autistic. My son is 27 yrs old my youngest daughter is 26 yrs old. They both are non verbal and cannot communicate in any form. They are developmentally equivalent to toddlers.

It breaks my heart. They will never live on their own, have a relationship, hold a job or ever go anywhere independently their entire life. After my ex wife and I are dead they will be cared for by strangers.

My oldest daughter is somewhere on the spectrum but far less affected.

Please do not talk so cavalierly about Autism at least not anywhere that I will read it or hear it.
I find it offensive.
 

Katie

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Autism is your friend. I never had such fear. I am missing those kinds of emotions.


Linde
WTF Linde? Bragging about how you don't care about people's feelings? What is going on with you? This isn't the Linde I knew three years ago.
 

Linde

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@kim, I am pretty deep on the Asperger's spectrum, it is called high functionable autism. My version of autism eliminates certain emotion neuro-normal people have. But the spectrum of autism is very large, and I feel sorry that your kids are not on the Asperger's side of it. I did not want to hurt your feelings, and I apologize for this.
I am currently in the midst of a very strong mental crisis, and this increases the reduction of any emotions for others in me.
Thank you for pointing this out to me, because my own senses for such are currently residing in a very deep hole.
Kim, I hope you can forgive me, I really did not want to hurt your feelings.

Linde
 

Donica

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@kim, I am pretty deep on the Asperger's spectrum, it is called high functionable autism. My version of autism eliminates certain emotion neuro-normal people have. But the spectrum of autism is very large, and I feel sorry that your kids are not on the Asperger's side of it. I did not want to hurt your feelings, and I apologize for this.
I am currently in the midst of a very strong mental crisis, and this increases the reduction of any emotions for others in me.
Thank you for pointing this out to me, because my own senses for such are currently residing in a very deep hole.
Kim, I hope you can forgive me, I really did not want to hurt your feelings.

Linde
@Linde, That's the wrong Kim. You need to apologize to @KimOct.
 

KimOct

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@kim, I am pretty deep on the Asperger's spectrum, it is called high functionable autism. My version of autism eliminates certain emotion neuro-normal people have. But the spectrum of autism is very large, and I feel sorry that your kids are not on the Asperger's side of it. I did not want to hurt your feelings, and I apologize for this.
I am currently in the midst of a very strong mental crisis, and this increases the reduction of any emotions for others in me.
Thank you for pointing this out to me, because my own senses for such are currently residing in a very deep hole.
Kim, I hope you can forgive me, I really did not want to hurt your feelings.

Linde
I acknowledge your apology. I am torn regarding my feelings for accepting it and my frustration.

I am sorry for your own troubles and yet it is not a free pass to say inappropriate things.

I do not want to argue - that is not what this place is for. I have said my piece.
 

NicoleT

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Well to dig everybody out of the hole that this conversation is now into ……

I want to go back to what was originally said by Kim. Allie & Donica. First of all thank you for sharing those stories I can picture everyone of you and the deep fear you had inside. Going through this my entire life, I felt that same thing. Hearing stories from others who are so far ahead of me, that I look up to with respect, means a lot to me.

I’ve mentioned before that I never really cross dressed or tried make up most of my life for fear that I would ruin the illusion in my mind. The closest I would do would be possibly try on a bra or stuff my shirt under a T-shirt. For a short time, Id feel right. I also had a great love of pantyhose when I was younger. After I was caught by my mom preteen, I probably went a good five years before I attempted to put them on again.

Then I started again, getting more and more brave, from wearing them behind a locked door to wearing them under my clothes. I was sure somebody, somehow, was gonna notice them sticking out of the top of my pants. I even tempted fate once, knowing my parents were coming downstairs to watch TV, I’d take off my socks to expose my tan stocking feet, only to stick them under the couch for a good 2 hour movie and never move. I’d be thinking, why would I do such a crazy thing ? why am I tempting fate ? …..there’s a part of me that just wanted to feel normal without discovery.

Kim the part about you driving down the road with the nails, fearing people looking into the car, that reminded me of last summer on my way to my doctors fully dressed for the first time ( oh my god that guy who just passed me in the truck must know I’m a dude in a dress today …..some dumb) or walking into Walmart that first memorial day weekend dressed as myself, knowing that I wasn’t passing. I was just waiting for somebody to point and laugh…..waiting for all of the crowd to gather around me like I was some sort of a leper. The reality was a great lesson, as few noticed and even less cared. it’s crazy what your mind will do to you. Pure Satisfaction to think how far I’ve come. Thanks again for sharing.

Hugs & Love
Nicole
 

marcieelizabeth

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The hype was worth it, thumbs up on the story.
MAIZIE!!! and she hates being misgendered...wait, no she doesnt...I loved meeting you ladies who were at the gathering at Moni's. I am blessed to be within a short ride of Moni, queen of the castle...I loved getting to see you all in your own personage! I would not know that any of you are having any issues being who you are, that is a complement about who you all are and how you carry yourself. I never worried about what others may think privately, and openly it can crush me. Luckily I am in an area where it seems, I can be me, and not have to worry when going out! Knock on wood, A homage to a Pagan god I hear that is! But what I really want to say is how amazing it is to relate to all of you here, where I think it is true that we are all accepted for who we are, not who society wants or determines we are. Lots of hugs ad love to you all! Stay strong just as you are!

Marcie
 

KimOct

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Wow - Longest I have ever went between posts. (hmm is that @Monica I hear applauding in the background?) :LOL:

For the most part things are going pretty well but I have been struggling a bit. I think it may be partially due to the pain pills I have been taking for my hands. But I am now only working 2 days a week as of this week - so I should be around more. Also had a consultation at the U of Minn two days ago for Breast Augmentation. I have some mixed feelings about that regarding how it matches with my face and large body but I think I am going to do it. The surgeon is hesitant due to my heart history but if my cardiologist gives the OK I think the surgeon will do it.

I will weigh in about my own internal debate about my possible BA - and thoughts about all gender conforming surgeries and my philosophies about it on a post in the upcoming days.

You have all been warned. :ROFLMAO:
 

NicoleT

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Always love to see your post….. always here for you sister…
 

Kenna

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Also had a consultation at the U of Minn two days ago for Breast Augmentation. I have some mixed feelings about that regarding how it matches with my face and large body but I think I am going to do it.
Hi Kim, I'm really enjoying having breasts since my augmentation! Something I've discovered though, is that in larger band sizes there are very few bras with less than a C cup. Don't be too modest with the sizing. Due to the continuing lockdown here I haven't been able to get professionally measured and try on lots of bras, but while I'm pleased with the look of my breasts with 625cc Motiva implants I suspect that a much bigger range of bras would be available if I'd gone with the next size up (700cc). My band size is 42 or 44 and I'm just under 5' 10" and normally weigh 205 to 210 pounds.
Hugs,
-Kenna
 

TonyaJanelle

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I'll second what @Kenna said. Extremely happy with results and probably would have gone slightly larger if the sizers were more accurate. I got 400cc over the muscle. Been 6 months so they've mostly settled and bra size ended up 42C or a full 44B.

Something I've discovered though, is that in larger band sizes there are very few bras with less than a C cup.
Definitely the case. Almost all in 42 even are D or DD. Torrid had some 44B that were good but a bit short on the shoulder straps, which is an issue I run into a lot bring 6'2"
 

Holly G

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Learning the hard way not to bottle it up for a long time.lt made things worse and put a toll on me
 

KimOct

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Well I am back and expect to be around more often again. I had an interesting chat with my therapist regarding a concept called 'toxic positivity'. The point IS NOT - don't be positive.
Rather the point is to not beat yourself up for not being positive enough. The concept is to acknowledge that somethings suck - such as not having the physical appearance we desire.
But to admit the feelings - this sucks - but to still be able to find some joy. I found it worthwhile.

That concept and my copied post below have rekindled my desire to re-engage here.
Sorry for the bad news @Monica :ROFLMAO: :ROFLMAO: ❤️❤️

My post from my blog...

The spark has been 'rekindled I think I am going to return at least as TY Emeritus. LOL
I finally watched "Disclosure' On Netflix. I had paused my membership for awhile.

Laverne Cox rocks but I already knew that. This documentary demonstrates what I have been espousing for the last 5 years.

Our fears regarding coming out are deeply rooted by our internalized transphobia. In other words - absorbing the messages we have seen and heard our entire lives through films and sitcoms. Our society including us has been taught that being transgender is -
funny / shameful / and something to be mocked.

In order to reject these feelings you have to understand where they came from.

I think "Disclosure" does an excellent job of demonstrating where our fear comes from.
And if you understand that - then you can learn to overcome it.

The first Transphobe you have to conquer is yourself.

I hope the moderators will indulge me. I am going to post this multiple places on this site so that newcomers may see it. Thanks
 
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