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KimOct

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Yes it may be the dream of some people or the nightmare of others @Monica lol I am crawling out from under the rock I have been hiding under. I found some interesting stuff down here. First there was @NicoleT 's diary... oh my !!!!! And then I found @Monica 's team photo of the New York Islanders but all the players had beards drawn on them.

So why did I start this post? Well during my hiatus I have been coming to terms with somethings that have taken me 4 years to figure out. I knew them intellectually but had not accepted them emotionally. I think I am arriving. News flash.... I will never look like a supermodel. I thought for sure I would. LOL

The title - I remember when..... came from a week or so ago. I recently had artificial nails applied at a salon for a Vegas trip. First time with artificial nails and it is slowing my typing down at this moment. Anyway I needed to run an errand and didn't want to spend an hour getting ready so I went as I was even with the nails. Talk about being openly trans.

While in the car looking at my beautiful pink with white tip nails I chuckled to myself thinking about all of those years in the past when I would be in my car in the middle of the night with press on nails- ready to peel them off if another car got near. Or on business trips waking up at the hotel making sure every tiny spot of eye makeup was removed before starting my meetings for the day.

It made me laugh thinking how far I have come. Living my life as an openly transwoman as I have been doing for the past 4 years. I was good at coming out as trans and finding the courage but it took 4 years to learn how to be OK with myself. I think I finally am.

I am going blonde on May 25th. Yes I am nervous cuz I always wanted to but thought I would look silly. Also I have a consult in 3 months for breast augmentation at the Univ of MN. Mine will be more complicated due to health issues so that is why I am going to a serious hospital and not a surgical suite.

So how did I finally get to a place that I thought breasts & this face would be OK together? I always thought NO WAY was I getting breasts with this face.
And how I did I get from driving around at 3 am terrified someone in another car would see my press on nails to the point I go places with my manicure in a T shirt and no makeup therefore making hiding impossible?

Well that my friends is long story which some of you have read much of ... @Confused LOL but for those that have or have not I am ready to share some more.

follow this space.....
 

NicoleT

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Yes it may be the dream of some people or the nightmare of others @Monica lol I am crawling out from under the rock I have been hiding under. I found some interesting stuff down here. First there was @NicoleT 's diary... oh my !!!!! And then I found @Monica 's team photo of the New York Islanders but all the players had beards drawn on them.

So why did I start this post? Well during my hiatus I have been coming to terms with somethings that have taken me 4 years to figure out. I knew them intellectually but had not accepted them emotionally. I think I am arriving.........

............It made me laugh thinking how far I have come. Living my life as an openly transwoman as I have been doing for the past 4 years. I was good at coming out as trans and finding the courage but it took 4 years to learn how to be OK with myself.
I am going blonde on May 25th. Yes I am nervous cuz I always wanted to but thought I would look silly.
Lord Knows I do...( wait I’ve always been silly)

Kim, i’m glad you’re finding acceptance of yourself. It’s about time you see the amazingly awesome person that I’ve known for the last couple of years.

BTW... Monica always draws beards on all of her pictures. And boy did you miss out. No doubt my diary can be a little steamy but Monica’s diary.........😳......WHOA.......

I had no idea farm animals could do that.......

Hugs
Nicole

BTW.... i’m waiting on the edge of my seat for the next amazing chapter.....
 

Donica

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Congratulations on your breast augmentation consultation Kimmy! You are going to look great hun. I'm so glad to see you posting again. Monica has just been going nuts not being able to do that thing you crazy kids do together on the forum. Welcome back! Wait! Blonde? I thought you were a blonde? :love:

Hugs!
 

Monica

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Kim, self acceptance is the easy part. From what everyone here seems to say, the hard part will be me accepting you without a beard.

Now spill the freakin beans!
 

Katie

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Oh, boy, I remember (not that long ago, about three years) when I was certain I would NEVER pass as a woman without a king's ransom worth of cosmetic surgeries and ten pounds of cosmetics on top of it all.

I've actually had a different issue lately. I spent so long being paranoid about passing, that now that I pass without any effort I have to break my paranoia. I keep looking for that little, smallest shred of masculinity to conceal. I have to tell myself "settle down, you look fine!".

I know with my recent experiences with my old ID photo that I pass well enough that most people can't believe I ever lived as a man, but still those stupid doubts exist in my head.
 

TonyaJanelle

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I am going blonde on May 25th. Yes I am nervous cuz I always wanted to but thought I would look silly. Also I have a consult in 3 months for breast augmentation
Boobs are nice but blonde? Good thing about blonde is if you do look silly (but you won't) it's easy to cover.

Nice to have you back no matter what Moni says.
 

Kenna

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Welcome back Kim!! We've missed you! And I'm so pleased that you're coming out from under that rock!
I agree that boobs are a big part of looking feminine. Even with my nicely amended face which everybody seems to think is very feminine - although I still tend to only see the old me, I continue to often get misgendered if I'm not wearing forms. While I've got to the point of being OK in my community with going out without any makeup or forms but women's clothing, I find that even if I wear even small forms on top of my own tiny boobs I rarely get misgendered. But, I'm going to beat you in getting proper boobs. 😜 My surgery - in the same "proper" hospital where my face was done, but with a different surgeon - is on June 7. 😃
Hugs!
-Kenna
 

Confused

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Welcome back Kim! It is good to see you again. You have been a rock for other people and need to realize everything you said to others applies to you. Most cis women are not supermodels and are constantly criticizing themselves. Congratulations on getting BA. You will do great.

I am about 6 days out from surgery and not feeling great yet, but I am improving. The doctor said I was definitely a first for their team. When they cut my urethra loose it sucked up inside me like a stretched rubber band. They didn't even trim anything off to fit my new bits. I'm ready to get this catheter out and get on with my life. You helped me find this path.

Hugs,
Mike
 

OzGirl

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It's awesome to see Kim back on the Forum, and so good to hear from you Mike! I love hearing you finding a way forward Kimmy, I know how hard it can be to struggle to see a future! I need you to triumph Kimmy to give me some hope! I remember when I was Allie at home under house arrest. Terrified somebody would discover me. Living with the drapes closed, and no audible signs anyone was home. Hiding behind my couch when someone rang my doorbell.

Now I am out to everyone, and I am wondering if my life is much better. No matter how I present, I get misgendered, I am frustrated, and losing my life partner. I know who and what I am, and I don't like it. I also know I am only just over 2 years into this crazy ride, and if I can get my HRT to work, there might be some hope. Meantime I need to accept where I am at and look to role models to show me a way forward.

We need you Kimmy!

Hugs,

Allie
 

KimOct

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Sorry I posted and disappeared for several days but I didn't go back under the rock. My local bestie Krissa went on vacation and asked me to stay with her daughter for 4 days. I was flattered that she asked lil ole me so I said yes. But waking up to take her daughter to school at 645am wore me out. So glad to be home.

Mike @Confused I am proud to have played a small role in your journey. Allie @OzGirl I wish you could see what I see. A wonderful, kind and giving and just delightful woman. I often say to others how much I like you.

I am going to do a few things here and then pick up on my story of the new stage of my journey and hopefully someone will gain a nugget of insight for themselves.
 

KimOct

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Some of this will be repetitive for those that have known me for awhile but it is also intended for those that have not come out or are struggling with coming out.

In 2016 I decided there was no point in hiding the rest of my life and I contacted a therapist I happened to know and began transition. I anticipated getting a large sum of money and was going to have every surgery possible. But the money I received was a fraction of what I expected. At that point I was determined not to turn back. I transitioned anyway. Then medical issues arose further complicating things.

My entire life I thought I would look ridiculous as a woman and never intended to transition.
Through the support of my first group of trans friends, my therapist and some deep soul searching I learned somethings.

What I came to learn was the reason why many of us are afraid to transition. We use lots of rationalizations - our job - our family - our friends etc etc. But what most of it boils down to is that we are afraid of what others will think of us. That we will be laughed at, ridiculed, rejected.

Why do we think that? Because we have been taught to think that. Comedy about men is dresses. Insulting comments etc. We have all seen and heard it.

Why would anyone want to be the subject of ridicule?

But that ridicule is based on bullshit. Gender is nothing more than how you identify as a person. And there is nothing wrong with who you are. The only thing that is wrong is the messed up messages that we have absorbed from society. No different than racial bigotry or religious bigotry. There are many vestiges of bad messages from society.

The point of my signature line -- 'the first transphobe that you must conquer is yourself' -- means that you have to defeat the harmful messages you have absorbed regarding gender.

It can be a scary prospect. It was for me which is why I talk about it. I was very much a conformist. I wanted everyone's approval. Purposely doing the opposite of what I was taught would make me liked was the exact opposite of my nature.

If it is scary for you I get it. The definition of courage is not that lack of fear rather courage is doing something in spite of fear.

I found the courage and you can too.

I have been legally female for over 4 years and living openly but I still was concerned about my looks. I felt the need to not look too disconcerting to straight people. Since I felt my face looked male I felt I needed to not look too 'shocking'. Hence the brown hair. I always thought breasts would look stupid with my face.

Recently I learned to be even more comfortable with my physical form and I owe that to a few people and some deep thinking of my own. More about that next time.
 

Linde

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Since I felt my face looked male I felt I needed to not look too 'shocking'. Hence the brown hair.
And as I told you many times, I never had that impression, not on pictures nor when we met life and in color last year.

And for everybody!
Anybody who feels to be to tall for a female, it is all bull!
I have a new cis girlfriend, and with 6' 5" she dwarfs all of you, and she likes to wear heels! She loves to be tall. My pelvic floor therapist is not a dwarf eiter, she is 6' 3" tall, and also loves it, because she can reach the top shelves in her kitchen, her husband can't!
There are some tall cis women out there, who are OK with their size, and who are very confident women, you can be as confident as those!


Linde
 

CrackDown29

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And as I told you many times, I never had that impression, not on pictures nor when we met life and in color last year.

And for everybody!
Anybody who feels to be to tall for a female, it is all bull!
I have a new cis girlfriend, and with 6' 5" she dwarfs all of you, and she likes to wear heels! She loves to be tall. My pelvic floor therapist is not a dwarf eiter, she is 6' 3" tall, and also loves it, because she can reach the top shelves in her kitchen, her husband can't!
There are some tall cis women out there, who are OK with their size, and who are very confident women, you can be as confident as those!


Linde
Yes, yes YES!!! I have a German friend, cis woman. She's 6'2" and built like a TANK. Tall women be more common than hollywood lets on.

I'm more scared about being short for a guy tbh. I'm 5'1" :(
 

Katie

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Yes, yes YES!!! I have a German friend, cis woman. She's 6'2" and built like a TANK. Tall women be more common than hollywood lets on.

I'm more scared about being short for a guy tbh. I'm 5'1" :(
Being a short guy has a lot more disadvantages than being a tall woman. The world of men is very heightest. I’m not terribly short, but at 5’ 5”, I spent a lot of time being talked down to, talked over, ignored, etc. You definitely notice that taller men tend to fill the positions of power and wealth. Society in general values tall men over shorter men. It sucks.

I’ve been pretty surprised at how much better I am treated now that I live as a woman. Men still tend to act the same way toward me (plus now the leering glances at my chest), but women treat me a lot better. Women treat a 5’ 5” woman a lot differently than they treat a 5’ 5” man. It’s pretty crazy.
 

Linde

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Yes, yes YES!!! I have a German friend, cis woman. She's 6'2" and built like a TANK. Tall women be more common than hollywood lets on.

I'm more scared about being short for a guy tbh. I'm 5'1" :(
I used to be 6' 1". Pelvic tilt and back surgeries shrunk me down to 5' 9", still not a shorty, and I like to wear 2 to 3" high heels for most of the time.
 

Katie

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I used to be 5' 5.5", and am now 5' 5". Not a huge loss in height, but I did lose 1.5 shoe sizes. I went from a men's size 9.5 to 8, and now wear women's size 9-9.5 depending on the shoe.
 

Cassie J

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For me acceptance was taken well with my family including most of my friends,my current wife and ex wife.Some friends and my 2 daughters,it took them time to accept it and gave them time on this.I am pretty much seen as a woman,sister and and daughter now although I crossdress fulltime.My good long time customers,I was pretty much surprised they accepted the changes that I was going to stay fulltime as Cassie.There were some saw I was unhappy about something before I came out.Say I am the same person but much happier now.One customer's wife,she does my hair.Told me she is open about doing transwomen's and MTF crossdresser's hair with no hassles.
 

KimOct

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Way to go Cassie !!!!

Just to show I practice what I preach I had to deal with a tough one today. As many of you know I deal poker at a large card casino located at a horse racing track. Kind of visible LOL.

So today I was at work out of uniform and stopped in the women's restroom. Myself and one other woman were at the sinks. She looks toward me and says ' oh no - am I in the wrong restroom?' UGH. This is the 3rd time in a year this has happened to me. (thanks @Linde I know you don't see it but others do )

I DO NOT PASS. It wasn't my voice - I wasn't talking. I was washing my very feminine manicured hands - it is my build.

Did it hurt? yeah. Still does - it was just an hour ago. This is where the courage comes in.
I live it everyday. How do I do it those of you still in the closet may ask. Is it that I don't care what people think? hahaha far from it. I spent my life trying to fit in.

The way I do it is what I am trying to explain above. It is about rejecting what we have been taught. By finding the courage to live our truth. And by knowing we are doing nothing wrong by living as who we are. But before we can do that we have to learn how to understand where our fear and therefore the hiding comes from.

Did it feel crappy? yeah but 4 years ago it would have bothered me for a month. Now I will forget about it in a day or two. Why? Because I know who I am and that I am living my truth.
 

Lexxi

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@KimOct you're just the absolute bomb girl!!! That's why everyone likes to hear what you have to say. As someone who doesn't pass at all, I understand how you feel. But let me say this....you pass more than you think you do. In the nearly two years that I've known you I only see a woman when I look at you.

You are a total inspiration for our community...and you're a pretty dang sharp thinker too. Keep up all the good work you do in helping others along the path we travel.
 
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