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Linde

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I always thought that I was as lesbian as they come. I never had any ambitions to have anything to do with men, not as a younger person, not as an older one either. men were for me there to do the hard and heavy jobs, I could not do. And being lesbian was rather easy for me, because I was hetero as a man, and had learned how to please women.
I went full time as a female several years ago, and after my orchi, I was female hormone wise, too. I still was only interested in women. Men were there for doing the utility stuff, but not for romance.
But now I am absolutely confused, I had my GRS a little over 3 weeks ago, and almost immediately after I could think clearly again, I started to fantasize how nice a relation with a man could be! It is for sure not the hormones that caused this kind of fantasies, it must be a psychological/emotional thing that causes my sexual interest to change. Just because I got a hole punched into my abdomen, I start to consider men to be potential partners for me?
This would be a clear change of sexuality for me, I never had homosexual desires, not even suppressed ones that would allow me now to be with guys. I always was as hetero as one could be, and this switched over into being a lesbian.
And now this very confusion, I would declare myself to be Bi now, I still like women, but men are getting more and more interesting for me.

Did any of you undergo a similar change after GRS?

Help me out here ladies, what is going on with me?


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Linde
 

Michelle_P

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Well, first... At this point being attracted to women would be considered gay, or homosexual behavior. That’s basically me, sapphic queer. Being attracted to men would be heterosexual.

Now, remember the Kinsey studies? Attraction is not strictly or exclusively heterosexual or homosexual in most folks. Typical in the straight folks the Kinseys studied was an 80/20 sort of mix. Now, culturally, most people, and almost all men, would never admit this, and will proclaim it MUST be either/or, and not some blend. I know better, informed by my own experience.

I’d say what you are feeling is just a result of your getting past cultural taboo and more in touch with yourself. I was interviewed for an article on this a while back.

 

Kenna

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Linde, I'm wondering it those feelings might be the outworking of a strong emotional desire to try out your new part in a conventional manner. How would you feel about a woman with a tie-on?
Cheers,
-Kenna
 

OzGirl

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Linde, as I have said many times before, you are tied up with trying to catorgorise yourself! Forget about what box you might be in and live life! Be open to people and friendships and see what develops. There are No rules!!

Hugs,

Allie
 

Linde

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Thanks for posting this article, Michelle. I am currently trying to analyze myself, and I cannot detect that I ever had any desire for any male person, I always was interested in females only, and now this awakening of interest in men!
The only explanation I have is that I always have had some kind of homophobia (considering the times I grew up in), and every interaction with a man, even as a full time trans woman, would have resembled something of a gay sexual interaction, because the same body parts would be used for this.
Now that this is not the case anymore, because I have the appropriate female parts, I gave my self permission to drop the homophobia and be liberated from its burden?
I feel pretty good about myself now, because I really did not like to be a lesbian only. I was different all my life, and was hoping to be mainstream after transmission, but I was a lesbian! Now I m on the path to be at least a little mainstream, and that makes me feel good and contend.

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Linde
 

Linde

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Linde, I'm wondering it those feelings might be the outworking of a strong emotional desire to try out your new part in a conventional manner. How would you feel about a woman with a tie-on?
Cheers,
-Kenna
I don't think that would cut it Kenna, I really would like that a guy holds me in his arms, and I could cuddle with him. Some absolute new kind of feeling was woken up inside me, it was very unexpected. it could be, as Michelle wrote, I am throwing away the cultural ropes that held me down?
Linde, as I have said many times before, you are tied up with trying to catorgorise yourself! Forget about what box you might be in and live life! Be open to people and friendships and see what develops. There are No rules!!

Hugs,

Allie
Allie, my brain works in such a rational way that I have to find a label for my entire person and the traits I have. That is the way I live my life, very orderly and organized (the worst that can happen to autistic people is chaos), it might seem to be a lot of not required burden, but that is the only way I can live and not get insane. If there are no rules, I have to make them, and set them for myself.


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Linde
 

OzGirl

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I don't think that would cut it Kenna, I really would like that a guy holds me in his arms, and I could cuddle with him. Some absolute new kind of feeling was woken up inside me, it was very unexpected. it could be, as Michelle wrote, I am throwing away the cultural ropes that held me down?

Allie, my brain works in such a rational way that I have to find a label for my entire person and the traits I have. That is the way I live my life, very orderly and organized (the worst that can happen to autistic people is chaos), it might seem to be a lot of not required burden, but that is the only way I can live and not get insane. If there are no rules, I have to make them, and set them for myself.


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Linde
Yeah, I know you need this as part of your Autism Linde, but I also hate that it causes you distress. Sometimes I answer to also those others who read this thread!

Hugs,

Allie
 

Monica

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First things first, if you see a guy, say in a store who you think is 'decent,' can you picture kissing him? Do you think you could handle the smell of a guy, and I don't mean a sweaty, stinky guy?
 

Linde

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First things first, if you see a guy, say in a store who you think is 'decent,' can you picture kissing him? Do you think you could handle the smell of a guy, and I don't mean a sweaty, stinky guy?
I don't know yet, Moni. Covid and the recent surgery prevent me to venture out. I am hanging out in a dating site a little, and I have 14 guys who are interested in me. 2 or 3 look pretty cute to me, and I try to imagine hugging with them, and it gives me an OK feeling. I don't know how guys are supposed to smell? I live here with Ambers partner, and Matt does not smell any different to me than Amber does. But I am not hugging and cuddling with either of them.
I have one problem, all 14 guys have pretty substantial beards, and I can't imagine kissing a guy who has hair in his face. I would hate it to spit hair out every two or three minutes!

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Linde
 

Monica

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I have one problem, all 14 guys have pretty substantial beards, and I can't imagine kissing a guy who has hair in his face. I would hate it to spit hair out every two or three minutes!
They are supposed to be attached.
 

Linde

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They are supposed to be attached.
But they would still end up in my mouth! I hate it when my very own hair tries to get into my mouth, but other people hair might be even less desirable?

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Linde
 

Rachel

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I know for me I never had a single fantasy having sex with a female. I only fantasized about having sex with males. This is for my entire life. It has not changed or has it?

I go to a lot of sex parties. I am doing things to heighten my sexual response and nipples, areola, vagina, labia and clit. I have found that I need multiple partners in order to have an orgasm with a male. However, it is getting better. I have found that a Tracy's Dog, Sybian and other (little embarrassed to put here but they have had significant results) techniques have heightened my physical orgasm response and desire for sex with males (females are starting to get intriguing). Also, my depth and width of my vaginal canal has increased significantly. I am working on my labia and clit now.

I was at a party Saturday night. It was a interracial sex party. Safe sex practiced over and over :) . There were so many woman there it was not funny. I was the only white person there until much later. Anyhow it was a new location and only few guys showed up. Anyhow, when there are a lot of woman in a suite and only a couple of guys, it get interesting. Twerking, and female on female sex. We are very sex positive and very comfortable with our bodies. You strip down to enter. I saw woman performing sex acts that are very in line with the female body dynamics. A guy would not know these pleasure points or how to turn them on as well as another woman.

Anyhow, for the first time I had the thought in my mind that that looked like erotic fun. So am I turning lesbian? No, I and all the people there are extreme poly. There just were not a lot of guys there. In that environment friends take care of friends. If a female came onto me I think I would reciprocate. Woman there play with well known female friends when guys are not available. Also, women there play with all guys and are very submissive.

This is a huge turn off. When a guy goes to a sex party and stares and does not take action. I will distance myself from them. Huge turn on, tall broad shouldered muscular well hung black men. I have been with with White and Asian and find them to be in no comparison to black men. I like rougher sex and to be taken. I like multiple partners.

I think in my journey I am finding out a lot about my body, sex and my sexual response. We are who we are but we will never really know who we are unless we immerse ourselves into other environments and try new and different things. Eventually we will experience what we like and what we do not like. Sometimes we experience things that make us question our long thought beliefs and feelings.

A young man I knew from work. He was a contractor, 32 black and extremely handsome died 2 weeks ago from Corona. He had a whole life in font of him and a life to experience so many things. If there is something you want to do do it. Life is not a guarantee and pent up frustration and desire is an inability to embrace change and take a chance. Go for it.

Rachel
 

OzGirl

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@Rachel , you seem to have a very strong libdo, just curious, do you monitor your T levels to maintain a level which will stimulate libido, or is it just naturally occurring? Just asking as I, and many others, have no T and absolutely no libido, and might benefit from knowing effective levels.
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Allie
 

Linde

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@Rachel , you are very different from me. I don't like to be submissive, and I am mostly lesbian, with a strong leaning to Bi.
I have no problem showing my naked body, I grew up in northern Europe and did not develope the typical American hang-ups for undressed human bodies.
But I am also very possessive, and would not want to share my lover or my body with others. I was sexually very active when I was younger, and learned what I like and what I don't like. I learned that I need some kind of chemistry going between a partner and I prior to me to enjoy sexual activities. I tried to enjoy sex parties, but they did not do anything for me, and it felt to me as if we were nothing but a group of rabbits humping each other randomly.
I clearly would not like the parties you enjoy, and that is OK, because we are different individuals.
I like it do date another person, and slowly build up the tension over some time prior to be intimate with this person, and be together in a more romantic setting while having sex with each other.

I am slightly autistic, and the uncontrolled activities of the parties you go to, would drive me nuts.

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Linde
 

Rachel

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@OzGirl, I take T now. A trans man transition dose is 2 tubes of 5 mg (5 ML) of gel per day. A maintenance dose is 5 mg (5 ml)of gel a day. I use a 5 ml syringe and fill it. Each ml had 5 divisions. So the syringe had 25 divisions that equal 5 mg. I take 0.4 mg per day or 1/12.5 of a trans man's maintenance dose. So if a trans man's maintenance dose is a T of 450 I should be 37.5. My goal is to apply the T twice a day for 75; I am working up to that. For 8 years I thought T was an enemy. Since 11/2016 I had no T. I now embrace T. I take Sub Q E 20 mg per week of E and 2 mg E tablet swallowed each day.

I remember when I first started E and my T was high (relative). I had a high libido and I lost weight. Then my hormones switched and my sex drive collapsed. My energy collapsed and I felt dim. In time I adjusted and felt ok. Now on a low dose of T feel great and my libido has increased a lot.

I plan to apply the T twice a day at 0.4 mg T each application.

I have not had my blood drawn for 15 months due to Covid. I have my Nurse practitioners zoom on 3/15 and I plan to review it with her.

Here is the kicker, how and where I apply the T. It has a huge difference in how and where I apply the T. When I applied it to my wrist it I guess helped but I had no real libido change( it is a low dose). When I apply it to where I apply it now and how it is applied makes a huge difference. I am using a low dose of T and I get a huge bang. If I go to twice a day I may have an even bigger change.

Ok so why did I start using T? Well with covid behind me my hair was failing out and nails became brittle. Covid was a huge stress on the system, like the winter storm in Texas. I had no real body hair and I did not need to shave my legs. I needed to kick start hair growth again. So I tried a low dose T application on my wrists. Then I swithched to a different location and a very different method of application. I have had a huge jump in labido. I have 10 boxes of T I accumulated over the years. If my libido increases, head hair grows well and I notice no negative effects then I will continue. I think I will double the dose today to a normal female dose range.

Please keep in mind I am a very kinky girl and I enjoy being with others that at very kinky.
_____________________________________

@Linde, I understand what you are saying and your needs.

I tried dating apps. I was swamped with 5 or 6 guys a day wanting to date me. I think is is because I put I am post op transsexual and they have some sort of fetish for trans. I have a huge fear I would go on a date and a guy would not like me because I don't meet some imaginary image in his mind. Also, I fear I would be in a relationship just for sex and be discarded. Loving someone and being tossed aside would be crushing.

There is a huge prejudice if you do not 100% pass. I am 6'1" and I have done all I can to pass 100%. I think I have succeeded to a degree.

I joined a dungeon, BDSM sex club. The first night out of the undressing room was really tough. But I got play time (BDSM) and learned that if I wanted sex with a guy I had to bring him. I started doing that. The club closed due to covid. I miss the peeps. We had classes on Saturday and party Saturday night. Where else can you learn to make blood charms? Yup, there were witches in the group. There was an unbelievable botanical sensory scene that was awesome. I loved fire, Shibari ( we had the largest rope room in Philly), cupping, spanking and he Saint Andrews Cross. Hooking, blood, scat and pee were not my things. I saw them but found them to be repulsive.

I now go to sex parties and SLS parties. I want to go to Northern Jersey this sunner to the nude beach where they have a SLS weekend party's at a hotel. I find when I am with people that see me and want to have sex then I feel comfortable. To me sex is play. It is not love and I do not know how to get there.

As far as love and finding the one that accepts me for me, IDK. I have not gotten to that part of my journey. I hope to find that and maybe I will.

As far as you looking for a male or maybe changing interest in genders, I think most people can be with either gender depending on the circumstances. I am seeing woman together and how they move together looks very intriguing. If there was a penetrative dildo or double dildo I think i could very easily be with woman. However, guys are what I lust for. So I have changed my sexuality to hetero but with homo interests depending on the circumstances. I think I may have to experiment.

Rachel
 

Linde

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I am taking low dose T for about a year now, my endo wanted me to take it. Prior to taking T, I had zero libido, and it is now coming back since I take T. I take my T pills orally, and would not want to take as high doses as Rachel plans to take. I did not have any body hair for all my life, and I still have all the hair on my had. I do not want to reverse this and get body hair, and lose the hair on my head just to get some more libido. I way prefer cuddling over just raw sex, and if I have to decide between cuddling and intercourse, I would go for cuddling all the time.


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Linde
 

Rachel

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@Linde. how many mg of T is in the pill? Do you know how much of the T is absorbed? I am taking 0.4 mg of T topically. I have read that it is 10% transmitted through the skin. Best to be placed where there is fat as that is where 5 alpha reductase lives. I may have an issue with 5 A reductase. I hope to find out next month. DMSO on the skin prior to T administration will increase absorption.

I would not use DMSO (talk about stinky). My goal is localized absorption to increase vascular support of a specific area. That area had fat injected but lacks vascular support. The way i am administrating the T I am hoping will be more localized fat support. What occurred is my libido is high with low amount of T (0.4 mg I will increase to two application of 0.4 mg per day). Even with 0.8 mg per day it is topically applied which decreased absorption and in a area with low fat reduced the 5 alpha reductase. So it remains localized mostly but some will be systemic.

Hair and nails issues may be a symptom of collagen production issues. Bones are 51% collagen, not to mention cartilage ( I take hydrolyzed collagen, 2 scoops a day). Plus the genome needs T for processes. Plus muscle support is with good with T.

I am trying to navigate the T waters. I will consult my Nurse Practitioner in March. T is not the enemy. It took me a very long time to wrap my head around T. E is the driving sex hormone in my system.
 

Linde

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I take no direct T but take DHEA, the adrenal gland created precursor for T. But my body might be absolutely different than yours, because it hardly produced T at all, and my adrenal glands are more or less decorative only. I never had more than the female level of T during any time it was measured (my body did not masculinize at all, but, because of my ovary, rather went into the female direction) I take 25 mg of DHEA every second day, and that seems to do the trick for me. I have the typical female fat depositions, and have no problems to put fat into these areas (I have to control my food intake).
I never developed male type muscles, and never was a very muscular person . I have the physical appearance you would expect of a person who is intersex and developed partially along the female line. My bone density is very good (I had it checked last fall), and I still have all of my hair on my head, and no signs of any DHA caused hair loss.

But again, we cannot compare our bodies and their development with each other. I was born intersex, I have XX chromosomes, and I was made into a male, but never developed any secondary male sex characteristics, and developed more or less genderless/female. The only surgical intervention I needed was to correct my genitals back to female.

But that has nothing to do with sexual orientation or the way we live our sex life. I used to have a pretty well developed libido, but once the female parts of my body decided to go into menopause, they took the libido along with them. I now get something of it back, but I hope it will stay well controlled, because I like my more quiet sexual interest pretty well.

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Linde
 

Rachel

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Hi @Linde, when I went to several groups in the city there were a bunch of peeps that had inter sexed condition. We all had some sort of learning difficulties. The more profound the more the difficulties seamed to be apparent. One of the things I think I can say uniformly the people I knew were brilliant, a magazine editor, IT, doctors, engineers and military.

I do know those that are trans wish they could explain it by saying they have an inter sexed condition. Those that have inter sexed condition tend to be defensive about learning difficulties and being on the spectrum. Those with inter sexed condition that I know tend to be very cautious on who they let know. There were ( I do not know about now) inter sexed condition only spaces where you had to have the condition for entrance. Maybe now it is on line, IDK. I have not been in community for 3 or 4 years.

I once thought all trans were on the spectrum then I learned there are different conditions in trans. We are a complicated bunch.

I do know envy is a sward that cuts deep. Be the best you :) . My first trans PA-c said it does not matter either way, you are you. I still have a crush on him to this day.
 

Linde

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@ Rachel, please change your terminology a bit, people like I are not inter sexed or have inter sexed conditions. We are intersex, and have syndromes of different kinds. it is the same as you are not trans gendered, but transgender.
Anyway there are many different intersex syndromes one can have, some people have a single syndrome, others have a major and one or several minor syndromes. Most intersex persons can be rather easily identified as being different from the rest of the public, because our bodies very often look different than the mainstream bodies. Only persons who have CAIS cannot be identified that easy, because they have a female phenotype, but have internal male reproductive organs only.
Anyway hardly any intersex syndromes involve reduced brain functions, and if a person is dressed fully, it is hard to identify them. Most of us learned at a rather young age to not show that we are different, because it would have resulted in a lot of bullying and beating, and we learned from this to stay pretty private about it.
Take me for example, I was made into a boy because of not clearly developed genitalia, an when puberty came around, nothing happened with me. Over time my body feminized more and more, an I started to grow breasts. Some testing revealed that I have XX chromosomes, and should have been declared a girl, and should have gotten estrogen when puberty came around. I later became a woman and recently had surgery to reverse what was done to my genitalia, and I am a happy woman now, because my brain and body finally are the way they were supposed to be all the time.
We are still some kind of zoo animals for the general public, and we don't like it to be considered to be an exotic species. We are just humans with the same feelings like anybody else. And that is the reason why you don't see much of us in public.


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Linde
 
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