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Larry

Member
Joined
Mar 8, 2020
Messages
8
I’m glad to see that this forum has a non-transitioning board.  It’s hard to see all these people on a path to becoming themselves, and feeling that you’ll have NO support for holding back.

I am holding back for my family.  I now am in the position where I can see the light at the end of the tunnel… a time where I can transition.  But it was not always so.  I came out to my immediate family 11 years ago.  I was met with yelling any time I brought the subject up, and it was very isolating.  Today it’s a different story.  Me and my husband both had to grow up.

Still, I am holding off for a day where we know we are financially secure, and my spouse won’t be so afraid of discrimination. And we have a kid in college who we want to support until they can make it on their own.  It will be several years out until I can come out to the general public.
 

Monica

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Hi Larry and welcome. My best friend when I first started on a trans site was not a transitioner. I was and she was not. We talked almost every day and we encouraged each other with our separate paths. I always felt that it took way more courage and discipline to do what she did as opposed to what I did. Sometimes, circumstances, usually family considerations, determine what is doable for an individual. I thank you for sharing some of your story. You will no doubt find that doing what you are doing is very difficult. Please know that this is a safe place to talk, to vent, and to get feedback. You deserve respect for the decisions you make. Oh, my name is Moni! It is nice to have some guys around here. And sorry for the ignorance that your coming out was met with. That must have been very hard to deal with. Talk again soon!
Monica
 

Katie

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Hi, Larry,
I'm glad you have found this site. We do have some members who are not transitioning for similar reasons. I myself am kind of in between for reasons relating to marriage, kids and career.

I have a wife, six kids, and a career that supports that large family. Full speed ahead transition won't work; my wife is not very supportive and if my career explodes my family is in trouble.

I have been on HRT since May 2018, but still present as my assigned gender. It's a messy solution, but it keeps me alive and out of danger.

Please feel free to interact around the site and explore.
 

OzGirl

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Larry, people holding off transition indefinitely is more common than you might think, and a forum can be invaluable to give them new ideas. I held off for 65 years, initially as I couldn’t get support from my parents, and  then life just got in the way. I suffered with dysphoria to various degrees along the way, but found ways to manage it. I realised many years ago that I could reduce my dysphoria by doing something to appease my trans brain, be it crossdressing, doing things typical of my desired gender, or writing stories about my transition.

After 65 years of managing my dysphoria, and having created a good life in my birth gender I was convinced I would never transition, but my dysphoria went into overdrive last year and made me critically ill, so I had no choice. My main motivation for not transitioning was that I did not want to risk the relationship I had with my wife, my family, my work colleagues, my social groups and my community. I did not  want to face the prospect of maybe losing everything thar was important to me in my life, yet I was forced to do just that. It was the scariest thing I have done in my life, and fortunately for me, it almost all worked out ok.

I hope things work out for you, and my story might help.

Allie
 

Dena

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 10, 2019
Messages
142
Welcome to TransRefuge. Even if you're not transitioning at the moment, your welcome anywhere on the site you feel comfortable. If you have an idea to improve the site by adding additional areas, let us know. There are some limits as to what we can do but we will consider any reasonable request. Good ideas come from wherever you find them.

I understand the need to delay your transition but make sure you don't wait to long. What you feel doesn't get any better with time and often can become worst. I have seen many stories of people who wished they had started younger but didn't. In my case, I almost waited to long and at the time I transition, it was a struggle just finding the right help. I have now lived longer post transition than pre transition and have been happy that I have done so.

The most important thing is to visit us occasionally and keep us up to date. We are always willing to help when we can and like happy endings.
 

Lexxi

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Hey there Larry,

I'm glad you found us. Not everyone can is to the point that they can transition, so they do what they can to feel better. Sometimes that's just finding like minded people on forums and talking to them about their lives. For the record I love forums and find them very beneficial...I hope you do as well.

Now as an official greeter here I also want to welcome you to Trans Refuge. Whether you’re here to ask some specific questions or are searching for some new friends, I’m certain you’ll find what you’re looking for here. Oh and it's nice when you can gain some new friends to have in your corner.

Here’s a link to the rules here and instructions how to use the site that you might find helpful.
https://www.transrefuge.org/index.php?topic=12.msg118#msg118

Again welcome to Trans Refuge…I look forward to getting to know you better,

Lexxi
 

Linde

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Hi larry, I am a little late in saying hi to you.  But rest assured, many of us were slow in transitioning in the past, it took me more than 10 years to slowly change from a male to a female presentation!

I hope you will like it here wit us!

Hugs
Linde
 

Larry

Member
Joined
Mar 8, 2020
Messages
8
Hello everyone who welcomed me… Moni, Katie, OzGirl, Dena, Lexxi, and Linde!

It does appear to be the older population who is not quite out yet, and mostly family is the reason.  I’m in my early 50’s. Once you have kids that changes the equation.  These young whippersnappers who say that “if they don’t want you to transition, then they don’t really love you“, have a one sided view of life.

I was on a low dose HRT, for two years, but my hair started falling out… and I need my hair to have my “female” disguise. 

I realize that I don’t talk about the pain of being transgender enough. But talking to my spouse is still kinda iffy. I asked for a book for Christmas… an auto-biography of a trans man.  Got it and marked a few passages that resonated with me.  I know he read the passages.  That round about way of talking works.  We are two introverts, and it’s hard to talk about anything.  We’re two “thinkers”, not “feelers”, so talking about feelings with no available solution… is hard.  Any suggestions would be helpful.
 

Larry

Member
Joined
Mar 8, 2020
Messages
8
Katie said:
Please feel free to interact around the site and explore.

Katie,
You sent me a personal message asking me how i found your site.  But appearantly newbies cant send messages yet, so i'll answer you here.  I was on Quora, and one of you said something about TransRefuge.

I've been on other sites at different stages of my life. Thought I'd try this one.

 

Linde

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Larry, both Kaie and I are on Quora.  That is were Katie and I starting thinking about this site.  Lexxi and I are also on Reddit.  But Reddit is way to unorganized, and Quora is a rather slow moving site.  We think this is the best compromis one can get.

Hugs
Linde
 

Lexxi

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Larry said:
Hello everyone who welcomed me… Moni, Katie, OzGirl, Dena, Lexxi, and Linde! 

I realize that I don’t talk about the pain of being transgender enough. But talking to my spouse is still kinda iffy. I asked for a book for Christmas… an auto-biography of a trans man.  Got it and marked a few passages that resonated with me.  I know he read the passages.  That round about way of talking works.  We are two introverts, and it’s hard to talk about anything.  We’re two “thinkers”, not “feelers”, so talking about feelings with no available solution… is hard.  Any suggestions would be helpful.

Hi Larry,

As a former man I know that a lot of men refuse to talk about their feelings. I wasn't too bad about it though because I've never truly been a man where it counts. I mean sadly I looked like a guy, but my brain was all female. So when something was bothering me I'd be talking to someone about it for sure. But most guys aren't that way. So talking in your household might be hard because in essence there are two guys in your relationship, so it's amazing that you all ever talk to one another.

But if you really want to talk to people there are definitely places to do so. Of course this site is a great one and we hope to be here for you all the time. Sites like Quora and Reddit are okay too, but it's REALLY hard to get any kind of an immediate response. Another place to check would be the support groups on Facebook. I know this because I'm an introvert too, and don't have very many friends in real life. But I NEED to be able to talk to people all the time. Something inside me just craves it almost constantly. I feel better when I'm conversing with other people. So if things are slow here, I'll be checking Facebook.

I think it was the day I came out that I started a new "female" Facebook account. From that page every single person knows me as a female, and most of them know that I'm trans too. Of course I had to find a bunch of new friends because I wasn't out publicly...and sadly I'm still not. My immediate family knows, and a couple of family friends, but the general public has no idea yet.

So how did I find new, sympathetic friends on Facebook you might ask? Well I started joining every single FB support group I could find that had anything to do with being trans, the LGBTQ community, gender confirmation surgery, or HRT. I have no idea how many I'm in currently, but I assure it's a whole lot of them. I can always find people to chat with once I either make a post or answer someone else's post. I feel like I'm making some real friends even though I'll probably never get to meet any of them. But they really help me sort through feelings and things about my transition, or they give me support or some really great advice if I need it. The good thing is the people in these groups are from all over the world so I can always find someone online somewhere.

I hope that helps you in some way. If you're on Facebook or if anyone reading this is on Facebook and wants to add me as a friend my page is https://www.facebook.com/alexandra.danielle.965

Hope to talk to you more,

xoxo
Lexxi
 

Linde

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Wow Lexxi, you are a real social media butterfly!  I am not that big of a facebook consumer, and never was on any active site as a man, so everybody knows me as the woman I am.  I had to change my FB name a few times, cause I had chasers trying to hit on me all the time.  Once I was on my fourth name, they seemed to have lost me, and i have only once in a while guys with some arabian type of name trying to become my friend.

Originally, I had at least 20 guys lining up every day to be my close friend!

I wonder if trans men also have female chasers, or would they still be male chasers?


Hugs
Linde
 

Katie

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Larry said:
We are two introverts, and it’s hard to talk about anything.  We’re two “thinkers”, not “feelers”, so talking about feelings with no available solution… is hard.  Any suggestions would be helpful.

I have no advice, only sympathy. My wife and I are both also introverts. We have a hard time communicating how we feel, especially face to face. I prefer to write her notes and emails. I have always felt more comfortable with writing than speaking, especially when it comes to highly personal things that can expose me to vulnerability.
 
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