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Joined
Jul 7, 2020
Messages
13
Hi All,

I have written out and discarded at least ten messages in various other channels because they didn't really fit and I just didn't really feel valid in posting there.
Also to clarify this is how I feel personally and in no way reflects on anyone else.

Basically I feel like a failure to myself and the community.

I made allot of progress last year (for me) in a short period of time. Talking to a therapist, figuring things out, telling my wife, telling a few friends, getting a referral to a gender clinic and one public outing at a pride event.

All of it came to a crashing halt when my wife told me she could not handle it. I always said to her that my family came first and I didn't want to loose them. For me this meant everything had to go because it was just too painful to have my/Samantha's things in the house.

The grey hollow shell is back in auto pilot and it's really starting to drag me down again

Apologies as this has ended up sounding like I want a pity party so I will get to the point.

They way I am now I feel like a failure to myself and the community I so desperately wish I was part of.

If anyone has any tips or any advice for keeping your head above the water in times like the ones I'm experiencing I would greatly appreciate it.

And if you are experiencing something similar I feel for you and know that you are not alone.

Love to you all

S

Sent from my ONEPLUS A6013 using Tapatalk
 

Moni

Fight for self love!
Joined
Feb 1, 2020
Messages
1,571
Hi Samantha,
It really is heart breaking when we are stopped by a road block. Sometimes it is in the form of someone else, sometimes it is us stopping ourselves. I stopped myself for over 50 years. I know exactly how it feels, incredible pull to be genuine, while at the same time thinking proceeding is impossible. We can try to get busy, distract ourselves, but the pull always returns. It's the nature of the beast. You will continue on, hurting, distracting, trying to please others. You can try to forge some compromise, a way to express away from your partner. If your 'pull' is strong enough, this will be like a band aid, but it might help keep your sanity. She should not be so in control as to exclude you expressing yourself away from her. If she is so controlling, I'd start wondering if the relationship is one I want to continue. I don't know you, but there may come a time where the pull becomes impossible to ignore. It happened at 56 years old for me. I was mentally exhausted from fighting it. I moved forward because I was desperate. Throughout everything I went through, I never really questioned my self worth. This condition, for lack of a better word, is nothing we asked for. However you chose to cope with this, you are not purposely hurting anyone. Please do not consider yourself a failure. It sounds like you are trying to do the best you can be under extremely difficult circumstances. I hear what you are saying and really feel bad for you Hon. Don't get down on yourself, it's not a productive way to live.
 

KathyLauren

Casting off dull certainty
Joined
Dec 24, 2019
Messages
175
Gender Pronouns
She, Her, Hers, Herself
Gender Identity
Female
I am sorry to hear that you are caught in this dilemma. I know it must hurt terribly. You are not a failure: you are just stuck between a rock and a hard place.

When you get on a plane, the safety briefing always tells you to put on your own oxygen mask before trying to help others with theirs. The reason is that you are no help to others unless you are okay yourself. I am not trying to convince you one way or another, but, along those lines, I would suggest you meditate on what kind of husband you can be to your wife if you are depressed and not genuine.

Please keep reaching out.
 

Katie

Administrator
Staff member
Joined
Dec 10, 2019
Messages
2,235
Gender Pronouns
She, Her, Hers, Herself
Gender Identity
Female
There's no shame in hurting, grieving, or feeling uncertain. Disclosing to yourself and others what you feel is part of the healing process. Never feel ashamed to share here your highs and lows.

The choice you made was nothing to be ashamed of. If you can make it work, you've chosen a path that preserves your marriage and family.

You are very brave, Samantha. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise. The road we travel as transgender people, whether we transition or not, is a road filled with difficulty and adversity. The very fact that you're still going and have your family intact a testament to your strength.
 

OzGirl

Global Moderator
Staff member
Joined
Dec 24, 2019
Messages
1,694
Gender Pronouns
She, Her, Hers, Herself
Gender Identity
Female
Samantha, we suffer with a different gender identity from a variation in our brain development in utero. It is not something we chose, and you are not a failure. You will always be driven to realise your gender identity, but to some extent, it can be managed. I managed mine for 65 years but going a little way towards my gender ID. This took many different forms, from crossdressing, to having and relating to women friends, to writing fiction stories, but each thing I did reduced my dysphoria. My second wife knew all about me before we married, and eventually allowed me to be Allie at home. These things I did were enough for us to have a wonderful 20 year marriage, and we are still together as she now realises I had to transition.

As Moni said, this is a condition we have, it is medical, not our choice, and needs treatment. You don't have to go all the way, just find out how to manage it, and include your wife in working this out, as everything you do affects her. You are not on your own with this, many of us have travelled this path and are only too happy to support and advise you. We will get through this!!

Hugs,

Allie
 

Donica

Administrator
Staff member
Joined
Dec 24, 2019
Messages
851
Gender Pronouns
She, Her, Hers, Herself
Gender Identity
Female
I wouldn't say you're a failure Samantha. Many go down that very same road. Mutual agreements in relationships such as this are always difficult, and sometimes impossible. I say sometimes because many of us have found are way to varying compromises. Sadly in my case, it was not possible for my wife and I to continue our marriage. I say you are a success, regardless.
 
Joined
Jul 7, 2020
Messages
13
Thankyou all so much for the positivity. Its a difficult situation for sure but it's just how it is atm I guess.

My wife was pretty supportive for the most part but I can't blame her as the person she has been with for so long has changed.

I feel that if I did move forward I would essentially have to start over and I just cant leave my daughter.

Muddling through is the only option for better or worse.

Maybe things will change and that's what iv got to hold on to.

Love you all.

Samantha

Sent from my ONEPLUS A6013 using Tapatalk
 

Katie

Administrator
Staff member
Joined
Dec 10, 2019
Messages
2,235
Gender Pronouns
She, Her, Hers, Herself
Gender Identity
Female
@SamanthasIsland I understand your pain. It is the potential loss of my children that has dragged my transition out for over two years. I can't stand the thought of not seeing them everyday, not playing with them, not reading to them, not hearing their struggles and working through them with them, not laughing with them, and on and on. They are my life and my only real sense of joy. To lose them would be the most devastating thing I could imagine.
 

Confused

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 4, 2020
Messages
251
Gender Pronouns
He, Him, His, Himself
Gender Identity
Nonbinary
Samantha,

You are not a failure or alone. We have all made choices over time for our relationships and families. It depends on whether you can live with the dysphoria or whether you can manage it. Not everyone transitions. My wife was not totally a fan either, but she is finally OK with the path I am on. As Allie said, it is not a choice and it can become overwhelming. Only you know what path you need to take. We still support you!

Hugs,
Mike
 

KimOct

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 3, 2020
Messages
570
Samantha you are not a failure to yourself or the community. I understand why you feel that way and I don't discount how you feel but think about it.

You have been honest with yourself about who you are. You have been honest with your wife - that is huge. So many keep their secret and then their feelings are mis-interpreted by their spouse. And you have reached out to others in the community.

I'd say you have done a lot of positive things. Where this path goes from here is difficult to know. This journey sometimes takes a long time. Most of us transitioned later in life for many reasons - spouse - kids - etc. Sometimes fear. Fear is a very different conversation.

Be kind to yourself. Don't beat yourself up. You don't deserve it.
 

Michelle_P

My gender is a work of nonfiction.
Joined
Dec 23, 2019
Messages
239
Gender Pronouns
She, Her, Hers, Herself
Gender Identity
Female
Samantha, you are not a failure. You are a human being stuck in a very difficult situation, though. You have figured out your true nature, recognizing that the male gender role and presentation is not authentic to yourself. Now, to relieve the discomfort of others close to you, you have had to suppress yourself. I know that hurts. Getting a peek of what we could be and then having it denied hurts, badly.

You deserve a great deal of credit for being honest about this with your spouse, and your family. That is a very difficult thing to do in a culture that shames anyone seen as different.

If at all possible I would suggest joint therapy sessions, with both you and your partner, to help identify their discomfort and try to make some progress in their accepting Samantha. I know that may not be possible, but some couples have had success in doing this and found ways to be comfortable while allowing the trans partner to live their authentic life.

Even if not possible to do joint sessions, working with a good therapist on your own might help you to recognize paths forward in your life. Sometimes these things are just too big to carry on our own.
 
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