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Hi im Denise from Connecticut

Denise s.

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I'm Denise and I'm 57 I'm just looking to make some friends and if in Connecticut that would be great
 

Linde

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Hello Denise, wellcome here with us. Take a look around and participate in subjects if you feel like it.


Linde
 

Denise s.

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Hello Denise, wellcome here with us. Take a look around and participate in subjects if you feel like it.


Linde
Thank you i will linde
 

Donica

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Hi Denise! Welcome to TransRefuge. You'll find a great bunch of folks here. See you around the forum.
 

Monica

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Hi Denise,
My name is Moni and I live in Maryland, although I'm originally from right across the Sound from you. The best way to enjoy this place is to not be shy. Everyone is friendly. The more you participate, the more you will get out of it. The zoom meetings here have made it possible for us to become closer even if somebody claims they come from a made up country, what is it? Australia, I think they said. Personally, I'm skeptical. Anyway welcome! (I'm sure I'll get grief for the Aussie comment.) Glad you are here! If you feel comfy, please share a bit about you, either here or in the Intro section.
 

Denise s.

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Hi Denise,
My name is Moni and I live in Maryland, although I'm originally from right across the Sound from you. The best way to enjoy this place is to not be shy. Everyone is friendly. The more you participate, the more you will get out of it. The zoom meetings here have made it possible for us to become closer even if somebody claims they come from a made up country, what is it? Australia, I think they said. Personally, I'm skeptical. Anyway welcome! (I'm sure I'll get grief for the Aussie comment.) Glad you are here! If you feel comfy, please share a bit about you, either here or in the Intro section.
Hi Monica and thank you for the information.ill go write a little about myself.in my introduction
 

Denise s.

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Thank you i will linde
Like I said I'm Denise from Connecticut and I'm 57.
I've known I was different since I was 4. I used to tell my mom and dad that there was something wrong with my body and finally after me telling my parents that something was off that my father took me to several urologist and all the doctors would say is to loose some of your childhood fat and my lower appendage will be bigger .when I told my mom what the doctor said I told her it's not the size it the fact its there at all.
Like most of you I started dressing in my moms clothes and I was never really caught my mom tried to help me she bought me girls bell bottom jeans some feminine shirts but more gender neutral. I asked her for bras and panties but she said the jeans,shirts,and shoes were enough. I couldn't even get makeup.as I got older I went to a trade high school and I hung out with most of the girls .when we were in shop classes I would get my hair cut and styled in hair dressing and I ended up with a dorthy Hamill hair style so while I was there I asked for my nails to be done .one of my friends in that class gave me 3 inch tips and blood red nails . I was nervous about them and asked if they could remove them and the shop teacher asked for me to try them for a few days and if I wanted them removed she would .I went home and showed my parents my father blew up and my mom asked if I liked wearing them and I told her yes.
Then I graduated high school and I've been in and out of therapy for 40 years 4 different therapists over this time.and now I'm going to try therapy a final time and maybe I won't get that impatient and give up again.its been really hard keeping this bottled up inside and not telling anyone. Until now.
 

OzGirl

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Welcome to TransRefuge Denise! You will find plenty of like minded people here, including me. I told my mother I was a girl at age 4 but she said it was silliness an told me to forget such thoughts. I had a serious discussion with her when I was 7, and she was terrified for my safety, telling me I must keep it a secret or I would be locked up. I did keep it a secret to all but my 2 wives, and I thought I could keep it that way, but my dysphoria increased in my 60’s leaving me no choice but to transition.

You have some challenges ahead, and the combined wisdom and experiences here will help you. Don’t be afraid to ask, we are only too happy to pass on our knowledge! I’d love to read more of your story and follow your progress, so pleas consider starting a Blog!

Hugs,

Allie
 

TonyaJanelle

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Hi Denise, happy that you found us. Welcome to transrefuge.
 

Monica

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So, thank you for sharing Denise. When we are forced to hide our genuine selves the repercussions of that can really be confusing and hard to deal with. You are among like minded friends here, so I hope you can talk about the things that bother you. I transitioned in my late 50's, so yes, I hid from almost everyone for decades. It is an incredible weight to carry around. I am wondering if you have told others of your feelings. Going to therapy is a very positive step. Getting a therapist who clicks with you is sometimes hard to find. By the way, I understand knowing being different at age 4. Same here!
 

Denise s.

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So, thank you for sharing Denise. When we are forced to hide our genuine selves the repercussions of that can really be confusing and hard to deal with. You are among like minded friends here, so I hope you can talk about the things that bother you. I transitioned in my late 50's, so yes, I hid from almost everyone for decades. It is an incredible weight to carry around. I am wondering if you have told others of your feelings. Going to therapy is a very positive step. Getting a therapist who clicks with you is sometimes hard to find. By the way, I understand knowing being different at age 4. Same here!
Monica 30 years ago I was seeing a great therapist and she place me on hormones but she went with a patient for surgery and the patient committed suicide and she closed her practice and I went back to no hope again until lately I feel an overwhelming need to transition and complete my journey
 

Katie

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Hi, @Denise s. , I'm glad you found us. Your story sounds very similar to mine, including knowing from very early childhood, urologist visits, the feeling of it's very presence rather than its size, and even going to a trade school (I started my career as a machinist).

I'm sure you'll find several others here with overlapping portions of their own stories. I look forward to hearing more from you.
 

Monica

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Monica 30 years ago I was seeing a great therapist and she place me on hormones but she went with a patient for surgery and the patient committed suicide and she closed her practice and I went back to no hope again until lately I feel an overwhelming need to transition and complete my journey
I have noticed that the feelings get stronger at about our age. I've seen it with other friends, and I got to a point where I just couldn't stand it. I think that knowledge is our best friend when the feelings get that bad. I found a lot of information and a feeling of not being alone through the forums, and I've found some wonderful friends. I also gained a lot of information from seeing how I felt the first times I was seen as female by others. It was an amazing feeling. I knew I was on the right path for me. Sometimes I think of what life would have been like if I hadn't transitioned. I know for me, instead of being happy as I am now, I would be very depressed and angry. Of course, each person must find their own path. Looking at a possible transition is really tough. Most times people over estimate the possible bad reactions. I can't say bad reactions don't happen and any change is hard. Anyway, I'm getting long winded, so I'll stifle myself for the moment.
 

Denise s.

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I have noticed that the feelings get stronger at about our age. I've seen it with other friends, and I got to a point where I just couldn't stand it. I think that knowledge is our best friend when the feelings get that bad. I found a lot of information and a feeling of not being alone through the forums, and I've found some wonderful friends. I also gained a lot of information from seeing how I felt the first times I was seen as female by others. It was an amazing feeling. I knew I was on the right path for me. Sometimes I think of what life would have been like if I hadn't transitioned. I know for me, instead of being happy as I am now, I would be very depressed and angry. Of course, each person must find their own path. Looking at a possible transition is really tough. Most times people over estimate the possible bad reactions. I can't say bad reactions don't happen and any change is hard. Anyway, I'm getting long winded, so I'll stifle myself for the moment.
Monica 30 years ago when I was with my best therapist I had to travel 4 hours away to her house for my sessions. I was already living full-time and started going to work as a woman.
I kick myself for giving up back then because my therapist closed her practice. But 30 years ago times were harder for us and therapist weren't that readily available. But now therapist are a little easier to find and insurance covers therapy and some other doctors we will need.
I'm looking forward to my new therapist session this week.
 

Delilah

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You welcome here
 

Confused

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Hi Denise,

Welcome to the forum. I am 66 and I knew at a very young age I had parts I didn't want. You have found a very friendly place and we will support you any way we can.

Hugs,
Mike
 

Monica

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Monica 30 years ago when I was with my best therapist I had to travel 4 hours away to her house for my sessions. I was already living full-time and started going to work as a woman.
I kick myself for giving up back then because my therapist closed her practice. But 30 years ago times were harder for us and therapist weren't that readily available. But now therapist are a little easier to find and insurance covers therapy and some other doctors we will need.
I'm looking forward to my new therapist session this week.
Denise, that does give me more context as to what you have experienced and you are right, 30 years ago must have been like living on a different planet from what we have now as far as attitude toward trans people. You have my admiration for doing what you did. It sounds like you really regret not continuing what you started back then. If that is true, I might speculate that it might be relationships with loved ones or perhaps a job that makes you unsure about what to do? That is certainly a consideration, of course! I wonder if it is something exterior like that, or is it internal to you that makes for questioning a possible transition on your part. (Let me just say that I'll never pressure you to answer any of my questions or give out any info you don't want to.) I really hope the therapist visit brings you someone who understands and who you feel comfortable talking to. There is so much available support now that you didn't have then. Moni
 

Denise s.

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Denise, that does give me more context as to what you have experienced and you are right, 30 years ago must have been like living on a different planet from what we have now as far as attitude toward trans people. You have my admiration for doing what you did. It sounds like you really regret not continuing what you started back then. If that is true, I might speculate that it might be relationships with loved ones or perhaps a job that makes you unsure about what to do? That is certainly a consideration, of course! I wonder if it is something exterior like that, or is it internal to you that makes for questioning a possible transition on your part. (Let me just say that I'll never pressure you to answer any of my questions or give out any info you don't want to.) I really hope the therapist visit brings you someone who understands and who you feel comfortable talking to. There is so much available support now that you didn't have then. Moni
Monica i do regret everyday not continuing what I started back 30 years ago. My therapist 30 years ago was looking for a volunteer to try an organ transplant .the surgeon she was associated with wanted a volunteer to try a complete surgery, the uterus and and all the plumbing. And I volunteered. But when her patient committed suicide all the experimenting he was going to attempt was canceled. So that was another reason I didn't continue my journey. I became very depressed but I tried everything I could to keep my mind busy. The 3 years later I met my wife.i never told her about my hidden self.if I did im sure she would have hightailed it away from me....
I love her but I and there is just about anything for her but my overwhelming need to complete my journey seams to be winning
 

Monica

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So, Denise, you are married and she doesn't know, correct? Yes, it is a tough situation with partners. It can go so many ways. Some can't deal with it at all. Some can deal with it and are supportive, but leave, and some partners stay. In my case, my partner has stayed although the relationship is more like a friendship than a marriage. (It's complicated) I told her of my secret when we first started dating. We have 2 1/2 sons who did not know and telling them was the scariest thing I've ever done. They have been great though. Do you have children, I wonder?
You are right about that overwhelming need, it is intensely powerful. I believe that sometimes it gives us no choice. There are some though who do find compromises. They find a tolerable middle when faced with the hard wall of a disapproving family member. It is certainly something to think about with the therapist. We have some here on the site who have found themselves a middle ground.
Wow, I have to be honest, that surgery sounds scary as hell. I had a family member who had a lung transplant and the anti rejection drugs really damaged his body and he passed away. As disappointing as it was to miss out on that, maybe in the long run it can still turn out okay without all the medical issues.
 
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Denise s.

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So, Denise, you are married and she doesn't know, correct? Yes, it is a tough situation with partners. It can go so many ways. Some can't deal with it at all. Some can deal with it and are supportive, but leave, and some partners stay. In my case, my partner has stayed although the relationship is more like a friendship than a marriage. (It's complicated) I told her of my secret when we first started dating. We have 2 1/2 sons who did not know and telling them was the scariest thing I've ever done. They have been great though. Do you have children, I wonder?
You are right about that overwhelming need, it is intensely powerful. I believe that sometimes it gives us no choice. There are some though who do find compromises. They find a tolerable middle when faced with the hard wall of a disapproving family member. It is certainly something to think about with the therapist. We have some here on the site who have found themselves a middle ground.
Wow, I have to be honest, that surgery sounds scary as hell. I had a family member who had a lung transplant and the anti rejection drugs really damaged his body and he passed away. As disappointing as it was to miss out on that, maybe in the long run it can still turn out okay without all the medical issues.
Monica yes were still married and as far as the organ surgery that was over 30 years ago and if I had the choice now I wouldn't do a risky surgery like that .I've never had kids of my own but I love my wife's daughter and there wouldn't be a thing I wouldn't do for her
 
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