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NancyBalik

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Giving up wishing is hard. Wishing is fun...except the disappoint of unfulfilled wishes is hard, and is multiplied when it happens over and over. Sometimes you hear people say rather flippantly, "Never give up hope," or "Things can always change." Actually, what has been healthier for me is to accept that some things will not change, and that sometimes hoping is foolish and destructive for me.

Some years ago, 20-25, I was already wearing panties every day, although the term "gender dysphoria" was not in my vocabulary, so I'm sure I hadn't used it in any conversation with my wife, but I had told her that I liked wearing "girly" things and she of course knew my daily underwear choice, had seen me in stockings, etc. When she would ask me what I wanted for Christmas I would tell her a few things, maybe a new tool for handyman chores, a couple fishing lures, etc., but I also would include "I'd really like something feminine." (maybe that wasn't exactly how I'd always say it -- sometimes I'd be more direct, like asking for new panties, something "girly,", etc.). Never happened (with one exception -- one time when we went on a cruise, she surprised me with 2 new pairs of panties to wear on the ship :) ).

It took me several years, birthdays and Christmases, to stop asking (never give up hope, right?), but the disappointment was just too much -- no matter what other great give she might have given me. Of course what I wanted was the "representation" that her giving me something feminine would have meant. It would have represented an acceptance, that she "got it,," that she was able to love this part of me as well.

So, I gave up asking long ago. For many years afterwards I still wished -- hoped that maybe she would surprise me -- she has to know how much it would mean -- never happened. I know that I am better off not wishing. Wishing for something that will never happen (like having a vagina instead of a penis) is self-destructive to me -- just causes disappointment. I am working to cherish what I have. Merry Christmas! Nancy
 
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OzGirl

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Nancy, my wife never asked me what I wanted as presents in this century, but every now and again, she would feel guilty about my efforts to not let anybody know I was trans, and to manage my dysphoria, that she would surprise me with a gift. A nightie, perfume, skin care, and even once a pearl necklace. Of course I would be reduced to tears at these times, but they were rare, spread over 20 years. I was allowed to be me at home, but I wished for so much more, knowing it was impossible. I had been reading stories on Fictionmania, so I started writing these fiction stories about myself. ( You can find some here: OzGirls future predicting fiction ) The theme was always the same, me transitioning. One day I went back through the stories and realised In had written hundreds, and it worried me. I realised that writing these stories helped me to reduce my dysphoria, and they were my form of wishing. The eerie part is that they were so accurate as to what actually transpired in my life that I wondered if I had made my fantasies become my reality. I did stop wishing when I put my fantasies in writing, but maybe they became the blueprint to make my wishes come true?

Hugs,

Allie!
 

NancyBalik

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Well, as we know, Allie, your life and mine took vastly different turns. I would have cried, too, had I received “girly” gifts. Now, I know it is healthier for me to not wish for things that will not come true.
 

Monica

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@NancyBalik , I see your frustration in your words and understand why you write this. I think you need to handle things in a way that is right for you. Your conclusion makes me sad and angry. Sad because you are sad! Angry at the society at the root of the non acceptance you and so many others face. It should not be this way, but it is ingrained in our loved ones and it hurts. I'm sorry Sweetie, an awesome woman such as yourself shouldn't have to deal with this. Hugs!
 

Michelle_P

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Well, Nancy, I certainly understand your frustration. I lived that way, more or less, with no possibility of acceptance for decades. My giving up took a potentially fatal turn, however, with a suicide attempt. I did reach out to a help line at the last minute, was talked down and entered therapy. My therapy and coming out led to the end of that marriage, and without the constraints of that, I immediately transitioned.

Please don’t let your frustrations build to the point of depression and anxiety. If you find it getting to be uncomfortable, I suggest working with a therapist to find some path to ease distress. I know you may not feel a need now, but this may change. Please, when trying to make accommodations for others to ease their discomfort, don’t forget to take care of yourself as well.
 

Monica

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Please don’t let your frustrations build to the point of depression and anxiety. If you find it getting to be uncomfortable, I suggest working with a therapist to find some path to ease distress. I know you may not feel a need now, but this may change. Please, when trying to make accommodations for others to ease their discomfort, don’t forget to take care of yourself as well.
This! Yes!
 

Overalls Bear

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What's the old saying? "If wishes were horses, beggars could ride." Wishing for something that can never happen can be self-destructive (or perhaps self-abusive?) Of course that hasn't stopped me from wishing in my mind. But I know I have to temper it with the knowledge that it's fantasy. And, like you, I try my best to simply cherish what I have (which is considerable.) Hugs...
 

Monica

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The desire to do/get gender related things we desperately need and can't get is kind of like mourning. I desperately would like to see a number of family members again. I think its okay to mourn for both things. Somehow, we must at some point, turn from mourning to living, at least until the feelings hit us again.
 

NancyBalik

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Moni, Michelle, Allie, Sarah, Obee, I do so appreciate the kindness. Let me be clear about one thing. I am not depressed (not that I don't get sad). What I am trying to describe is that stopping wishing for something that is not going to come true is far healthier for me -- I have made my choice and I am living with it. I am staying in my marriage. We've been together over 45 years, have five grandkids. I cherish what we have,. My goal is to accept what I don't and never will.

Her stance is the cliched "I married a man." I know what/who I am. I know--it's a strange relationship. I wear more feminine underwear than she does and wear floral pj's to bed, yet we are companions, lovers, great "housemates," and friends. I just know she'll never give me anything "girly," so I have to buy "Nancy" her own presents (which I did) :) .

So, don't feel sad for me -- BUT, I one hundred percent agree with what Moni said about society and the continued level of non-acceptance. Specific to my wife, consider the era and the culture (Midwest bible belt) that she grew up in. And, I did not tell her before we married because I didn't know -- I hid my panty wearing because I thought it was a shameful "fetish," although I don't even think that word was in my vocabulary -- I just thought I was weird -- so who would tell a beautiful girl something like that? Or that I a lot of times thought about BEING a girl.

I have written elsewhere on this forum that I naively thought that getting married would "cure me" of my infatuation with feminine clothing and wanting to wear it because I would be living with a woman (and having more sex). Exactly the opposite happened -- sharing a closet with her, a dresser, a bathroom, -- I became obsessed (and envious). But my devotion to here has always been strong, and then we had kids very early.

So, we have a lot, and do a lot, together. She is "tolerant," but doesn't "get it," doesn't really "accept," but she doesn't shame me either, and we continue to share a bed. I just think it is healthier not to wish...(any more). Nancy
 

Monica

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Damn Nancy, you are so cool! :)
 

NancyBalik

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Ditto Moni. Wish so many of you gals were just my neighbors and we could just hang out -- because you do "get" me, and would like me no matter what I was wearing! I would so like to have real people in my day-to-day life who knew my secret, who I could talk with openly, what a relief that would be! There are SO MANY people like me out there -- the "non-transitioners," the part-way down the gender continuum people, the "furtive under-dressers," etc. I am so happy this forum welcomes us.... Nancy
 

Monica

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Wish so many of you gals were just my neighbors and we could just hang out
Well, there goes the neighborhood! ;)Have a lovely day and yes, it's awesome having you here!
 

TonyaJanelle

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And, I did not tell her before we married because I didn't know -- I hid my panty wearing because I thought it was a shameful "fetish," although I don't even think that word was in my vocabulary -- I just thought I was weird -- so who would tell a beautiful girl something like that? Or that I a lot of times thought about BEING a girl.
Yep. Thought it was something I could make go away. Why would I share such an embarrassing secret about something that I thought I would quit doing?
I have written elsewhere on this forum that I naively thought that getting married would "cure me" of my infatuation with feminine clothing and wanting to wear it because I would be living with a woman (and having more sex).
Subconsciously, I felt the same. In hindsight, when it didn't happen I at times blamed my wife for not curing me. Couldn't be my fault.
 

Randi

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Nancy, That is very poignant, and I certainly relate. My wife knows I've been on hormones 18 months or so and most of my clothes these days are off the women's rack. I often carry a purse. But when discussing Christmas this year she says "You still wear men's sweaters, right?" And it is a beautiful, cashmere sweater, appropriately unisex. But I surely would have been pleasantly surprised to find a necklace or something like that under the tree. Guess I am not fated to experience that, or getting flowers, or, or, or a million other things in this relationship. At least it wasn't a belt sander.
 
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