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Gaining Confidence to show myself

Talea

New member
Joined
Dec 19, 2020
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2
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Hi people 👋
My Name is Talea (23) and about a month ago i started coming out to more and more people in my life. Last week i opened up to my mother. Now that leaves only my dad and my class. Since coming out i've actually gained some confidence to show myself as myself but i am still scared to be seen by people from my class. I live in a small town so the chances aren't low. Then again it depends on the situation. When i take walks with my friends it's alright but going out by myself is scary to me. I'm planning on coming out to my class and my dad but even though i have only had positive feedback so far, those are the two points in my life that seem like a greater challenge. Do you have any tips on how i can gain the confidence to show myself and not be shaking the whole time?
I appreciate any tip or idea ☺️
Thanks and take care ❤️
 

Monica

Fight for self love!
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Hi Talea, my name is Moni! Welcome to Trans Refuge. Speaking for myself with my personality, I wanted to control the message of coming out. I could not control how it was received, but I wanted to present my story under my terms. I'm not telling you what is best for you, but would you rather them hear it from you, or have them hear it by accident from someone else? I had many people tell me that they felt respected by me telling them face to face. As for confidence, it is a scary time, coming out. Being trans (intersex or non binary, homosexual), even when you might get a negative reaction when you tell someone, is nothing to be ashamed of. Sometimes it takes a while to see that truth though because society beats the guilt into us. Okay so that is all pretty general stuff right? I'll try to give you something practical. Decide how and when you want to tell, let's say your Dad. If you have fears for your safety, take that consideration into account. Plan out the general things you want to say. Tell your story with your head held high and be strong in what you know about yourself. If you know your truth, don't pretend you are wishy washy with it. If you are in a questioning state of mind, think about if you want to try to get their help in figuring things out. Anyway, hope this helps! I'm glad you are here, and speaking up. Consider making an introductory post to tell us more okay? Hugs!
 

Talea

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Joined
Dec 19, 2020
Messages
2
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Hi Talea, my name is Moni! Welcome to Trans Refuge. Speaking for myself with my personality, I wanted to control the message of coming out. I could not control how it was received, but I wanted to present my story under my terms. I'm not telling you what is best for you, but would you rather them hear it from you, or have them hear it by accident from someone else? I had many people tell me that they felt respected by me telling them face to face. As for confidence, it is a scary time, coming out. Being trans (intersex or non binary, homosexual), even when you might get a negative reaction when you tell someone, is nothing to be ashamed of. Sometimes it takes a while to see that truth though because society beats the guilt into us. Okay so that is all pretty general stuff right? I'll try to give you something practical. Decide how and when you want to tell, let's say your Dad. If you have fears for your safety, take that consideration into account. Plan out the general things you want to say. Tell your story with your head held high and be strong in what you know about yourself. If you know your truth, don't pretend you are wishy washy with it. If you are in a questioning state of mind, think about if you want to try to get their help in figuring things out. Anyway, hope this helps! I'm glad you are here, and speaking up. Consider making an introductory post to tell us more okay? Hugs!
Hi Moni,
You're right about that. The people i spoke to told me that too. They were happy i trusted them. It's not a safety issue but really just being afraid of the unknown i guess. For myself i know it's true and the people i feel 100% comfortable with know that and see me. But when i don't feel the full comfort i get wishy washy as you say. I feel like it helps handling the situation although that mens not being completely honest which i feel bad about. It's not many but i'll tell them the full truth the next time i get to talk to them. I need to learn to hold my head up high i know that and i tell myself everyday, but once in a situation where i feel a little shaken and my head swooshes away. Thank you for your reply, Moni. You've reassured me of it. I'll update of how things are going if interested. 😊
 

CrackDown29

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Nov 21, 2020
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Hi Talea!

Don't really have good advice on this, just lurking on this thread to see what advice other peeps give.

Oh also to encourage you in having confidence and you're totally valid and sound kinda cool ;)
 

OzGirl

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Dec 24, 2019
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Hi Talea, and welcome to TranRefuge! Coming out is a crucial stage of your transition, surrounded in confusion. It help greatly if you understand what is happening to you so you can explain it to others. If we are percieved to simply want to transition, we take on the responsibility of the discomfort and confusion of others. It isn’t a choice for us, a part of our brain forms differently to the rest of our body during fetal development, and this medical condition hard wires us to feel uncomfortable with our biological sex, this uncomfortable feeling is dysphoria, and it can get bad enought to take our lives.

So, we are affected by a medical condition, and require medical treatment. I have found if people understand this, they don’t blame you for transitioning, and are more likely to support you. I have come out ot hundreds of people this way and had 100% success.

Hugs,

Allie
 

Monica

Fight for self love!
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when i don't feel the full comfort i get wishy washy as you say. I feel like it helps handling the situation although that mens not being completely honest which i feel bad about. It's not many but i'll tell them the full truth the next time i get to talk to them. I need to learn to hold my head up high i know that and i tell myself everyday, but once in a situation where i feel a little shaken and my head swooshes away.
Talea, I love the name by the way, don't feel bad about any hedging of the truth you want to express to someone, at least for now. When we come out, we are telling someone we care about (perhaps) that the face we have shown them is not exactly the true 'us.' We go from the safe and secure place of the person we have always been, and speak of jumping to a place in the world that we have never tried before. It is kind of scary. We may not even be 100% sure we're doing the right thing, but deep down, we know we aren't satisfied with that safe and secure us. If you are anything like me, that safe and secure, old me, was deeply in pain from not being genuine. Allie is right, explaining the fact of the medical condition is helpful for others to understand. For me, I decided to explain the pain of running from this thing that was impossible to run from. I told over 200 people and only lost 2 that I know of. I can't measure how big the relief of being honest about myself was. It was pretty immense. I hope you do let us know how things are for you. I have learned a lot about myself by just talking on forums. Your head can swoosh here and no one will think badly of you. :)(y)
 

Katie

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I actually found it easier to present as female by myself out in public rather than in a group. My first complete day presenting as female was while traveling for business. I spent the entirety of the trip (minus the actual client meetings) presenting as female. Never had any trouble at all with anyone.

I have long had a fair amount of social anxiety, and find it more difficult to present as female among a crowd of familiar people.

I’ve also had some not so wonderful experiences being around friends while presenting as female. A good friend of mine and I go out to lunch every Wednesday, we’ve been doing it for years. When I started showing up presenting as female, he misgendered me several times and also dead named me a few times. Being out in public with someone who is used to addressing you by your deadnames and dead pronouns can be super uncomfortable, because they almost always slip up a time or two.
 

Linde

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. Being out in public with someone who is used to addressing you by your deadnames and dead pronouns can be super uncomfortable, because they almost always slip up a time or two.
Those things don't bother me anymore. Everybody can see that I am a woman, and I know that I am a woman, and the bystanders will come to the conclusion that the person deadnaming you made a mistake, and they really don't care much about it.

Hugs
LInde
 

Donica

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Hi Talea! Nice to meet you and welcome to TransRefuge. I really don't have anything more to add to what has already been said, except, to add, I was scared coming out at first too, but the dysphoria became so debilitating, I had no other choice but to jump in with both feet, in person, face to face, with all who are dear to me. I was expecting the worst, and could barely stand up, but it turned out to be a big non event. Everyone was very excepting and proud that I had the courage to come out. All too often, our own fears can be so debilitating, we can't even leave the house. It was a huge relief and a very affirming event for me, as I hope it will be for you too.

Hugs!
 
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