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Diary of a Mad Trans Woman( GRS Vlog/Countdown)

Madrhode

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Day 10/60
I am not posting blogs on zoom days as I prefer to give my updates in person. What can I say I am a mistress of suspense! So this is where we are. I still can not talk out loud as today is my nieces birthday and we do not want to ruin it for her. We have not really talked, but we do have a house in Houston waiting for us to move to and we can stay there for atleast the next four years as my niece goes through High school. It is just sad because we will have to pull her out of school at the very last few weeks of school. It is sad because I promised her I would do what I could to not move from this place as she has moved five times in four years, I have always kept my promises to her, but we can not stop this. So I will take off the middle of February and we are renting a pod or two that my brother and I can spend the two weeks before surgery loading all our furniture then they can store it for a month down there until we move. Then when we move we can work on unloading everything. So we have that ready.
Surgery front it is less then a month until my preop appointment on the ninth of February. I can not believe it is so close to happening. God I can already feel baby girl even though baby girl has yet to come into the world. My sister was weirded out when I told her that cases of pooping from the vagina has happened. I am almost caught up on supplies. What makes it great is my grandma has offered if I need it to cover the four hundred dollars I need for surgery if what I have to move. What makes it great is that my gandmother is well I hate to say it racists as hell. She claims to be christian and was happy when I became a minster at 22 even though I was only a rolling minister and that came as a fluke. I did it to marry two friends, but my trainer that trained me to drive semi trucks mentored me and eventually, I fully credited with the time and study for the truckers churches. Yet I did not agreewith it, eventually I stopped with the truckers church when I recommited to transition and actually joined the satanic temple. LMAO, I actually do everything now, star trek wedding, dnd wedding, satanic wedding. Ill do any wedding that does not involve marrying the dead, children, animals, or plants. So that is my extent of ministry and regular weddings. OK so I went far off topic (Squirrel) Back to Grandma, she asked me what I thought of the riots in DC and then got mad when I told her arrest everyone of them including, Trump, Giuliani, and T. Jr. and the rioters should be charged with insurrection and murder as those involved in a crime that leads to a murder, is also guilty of that murder and I say five murders happened especially the capital police. Well that was not the answer she wanted. I told her I am sorry, but I will never agree with you, you say you are christian and a good person, but you do treat your nurses like,crap talking about they are all african and they do not know how to nurse. She just was upset with me, then she cried and hung up and then she called back saying lets not talk politics and she loved ,e. I know on one level it is wrong, but I will stay talking till I do not need her money maybe for surgery, then I think I am cutting ties, I hate being associated with my step uncle and I I really can not stand knowing my grandmother does not see it. I look at my nieces best friend who is mixed race but I have adopted her too as a niece lol and I look at her and can not believe how people can be so cruel and that grandma's blood is in me too. I would trade grandma for this girl in a heartbeat. That little girl is beautiful.
So surgery is still on and I just can not wait and hoping it will be over. So I can move on to my dream . Going to Schlitterbahn water park and not wearing shorts over my swim suit. I also can not wait to be done with this. I would love to date and then I will be able to give someone what they want a warm place for their head. Whether my chest or there Lmao. Oh well until tomorrow.
Day 10/60 Maddy
 

Madrhode

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Day 11/60
Well we told my niece we have to move and she was not very upset. This is a farce. I know she is upset. Especially having to move her to houston. It would be better for her, but at her age it is about now. I understand it. We do not know if we will be able to stay until the end of may, we are going to ask, but we still will aim for end of march. It looks like this sucks, but it looks like my surgery is still on. I just think this timing sucks. I can not wait though. Atleast I will be whole. It will be the very best feeling in the world. I have learned there is another transwoman at work besides the one I met and now I know of another. Atleast I do not work alone. Well I guess the countdown is on I will be at the finish line in less then two months. I mean its my whole life coming to a head. I have finally got to the end. I can see it and I hope I will make it. It is so nerve wracking and so giddy. Anyway cheers another day down Day 11/60
 

NicoleT

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@Madrhode ..... I know what it’s like to have so many things going on at the same time. Your brain being dragged in different directions. In some ways it’s overwhelming, in other ways it’s a good distraction for the nerves you have. You have had to work quite hard to put your life together and you seem to care off a lot about your family. The love you have for that little girl shines through. I hope you all can finally be settled in and happy in Houston.

Remembering that racism is taught and can become ingrained into a human being, it must be hard to love somebody like your grandmother and see that side of her. Beautiful thing is you don’t see race. I think being transgender allows you to understand the world a little bit more. Minister training a side, I’m not sure what your religious beliefs really are anymore. I know mine are quite scattered for a number of reasons.

One thing I absolutely know is that we all have a soul, it can be called a heart, a personality or essence. It’s a spiritual being. There is something more there that makes us ......us. I will always hold true to my theory that we are on mind body and soul( you can insert essence, personality, heart whatever you’d like for the word soul)

When all three are in balance, we are happy. Being transgender female basically means that our soul is female while the outside is not. We are unbalanced. We fix this by convincing our mind who you really are. (And of course we convince surgeons to make us whole externally, which is what you have coming up ) This needs to be fixed. Further understanding of this, if we’re all just spiritual beings none of our bodies, none of our colors, weight, beauty, none of our outsides mean a damn thing. That’s why I always try to judge people and who they are inside. I can tell from your writing you have a beautiful soul, you are a very good person and I’m very happy that you’re here.

Hugs
Nicole.
 

Madrhode

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Day 13/60 well I didn’t post yesterday because I am feeling so down. My car is out of commission. I have to make it five weeks 20 days till I can get surgery. I have to get rides to and from work this sucks but I just have to make it till surgery. Once it is done they can’t take it away. Gosh it is so hard.
 

Linde

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Madrhode, I feel with you. I was supposed to get SRS end of October, but Covid shuffled all schedules around, and my new date was Jan 21st. An endless long time to wait. But the time magically passed, and the only thing now between me and my new parts is the result of an upcoming Covid test.
Your 5 weeks will pass, too. Before you know it, you will lay on the cutting table.

Hugs
Linde
 

NicoleT

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Sorry to hear about your car. It definitely makes it much harder with everything going on the same time. Seems like roadblocks are in your way everywhere you look. Strangely the more roadblocks I have. more things telling me that I shouldn’t do something........ things holding me up from getting to do what I want to do

It only lets me know how important the thing I need to do is. Hang in there this will get better.

Hugs
Nicole
 

Madrhode

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Day 14/ 60 I do not know. We can only take this a day at a time now. This sucks but we will make it I guess.
 

Madrhode

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Normally zoom days I do not do anything, but I am doing one because life sucks more today.
Brother in Law had contact with someone that had covid and he is not feeling well and now we all have tested but it is still sucky virus car issues moving capital riots what’s next a plague of locusts. ? Day 16/60
 

Monica

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Were you exposed to your brother in law Maddy?
 

Monica

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Oh crud, I have my fingers crossed for you! Life is not letting you relax at all lately. I'm sorry for everything you are dealing with. Hang in there, you will get through this. Hugs!
 

NicoleT

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Seems like life just keeps throwing you curveballs huh...... maybe you’re just getting all the bad stuff out of the way early this year for the rest of the year is easier. I wish you luck with the whole Covid situation hopefully everybody comes out OK. I will be thinking of you all day today.

Big Hugs
Nicole
 

Madrhode

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Day 21/60
I am one third of the way there.
I got my day off for my preop for vaginoplasty and B/A on the ninth of february, and to get measured for my breast implants. I do not know how I feel about them but I can not wait. I can not believe that it has been nearly 34 years. I still remember second grade wanting to switch bodies with the girls in my class, I still remembering slamning a window on the seaslug and all they did was mak sure it worked. I did not want the damn thing. It is all up to this. I am hoping that I will get this accomplished and done. I know I will. Looking back it has been a long road. I couldnt tell you how difficult it was but hey if I can do it at hardly no cost to me others can do it too. I mean It rally has not cost me near the amount I was planning to pay for it. and my O.O.P is down to 260.00 less then the four hundred I had so At this rate ill get a vagina and two boobs for less then 200.00 talk about the value discount. Like i am shopping the clearance aisle at Vagina-mart. There are so many things that I do not understand ye, but hey I will. The world is going to change for me and it is ironic I will be moving back to houston with a vagina when last time I live there i was 20. well that is happening.
 
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Monica

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Do you know the size implants? Under muscle, over? Silicone or saline? Peanut butter or jelly? Tacco or hot dog? Wait, scratch that last question.
 

Madrhode

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Do you know the size implants? Under muscle, over? Silicone or saline? Peanut butter or jelly? Tacco or hot dog? Wait, scratch that last question.
I do not know until the 9t honestly I will let crane tell me, I am not picky.
On a sidde note when life looks shitty sometimes your luck changes and my electrolgist has offered a free laser session next week and each week after so the two electrolysis sessions after she has offered to do them for fifty bucks each so I am so thank ful for that. I am blessed to have know her. I wish I was not moving.
 
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TonyaJanelle

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Do you know the size implants? Under muscle, over? Silicone or saline? Peanut butter or jelly? Tacco or hot dog? Wait, scratch that last question.
At my consult Dr Gast said for trans women she always goes over the muscle and can at most gain 2 cup sizes. If I get insurance ok, there will be an in person pre-op for sizing.
 

Madrhode

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Day 24/60 Another day down one day closer well it is coming and I do not know. The stress of moving is getting to me, the stress of surgery is getting to me and the stress of stress is getting to me. I hate all this.
 

OzGirl

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Day 24/60 Another day down one day closer well it is coming and I do not know. The stress of moving is getting to me, the stress of surgery is getting to me and the stress of stress is getting to me. I hate all this.
Just 36 days to go, knock them over one by one!!

Hugs,

Allie
 

Madrhode

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Day 25/60
I can not help but be nervous. It is so nerve wracking. So today I had a conversation with my ex who is now dating the guy I bullied in school. I was telling her that it is a bitch the guy i bullied because I hadnt come to terms with my insecurities as who I was was now dating the one woman my previous self loved unconditionally. I was like one day I would like to tell him sorry. Well not thinki ng she shared it with him and his response was that he was fine and it is like it never happened. I do not know if it is really over, but hey better then before. My ex was really calm about me making up for lost time. lol. I really cant wait even in my nighty I want to feel whole with the parts between my legs to match the rest of me. I just hate the seaslug. I think the day I am almost ready for maddy to be free. I have closed chapter on my dead names 's ex, ...i have closed on trying to mke amends for bullying and honestly I do not think there is anything left of myt former self that i need to release. I think i can move on to surgery with no burdens
 
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