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Diary of a Mad Trans Woman( GRS Vlog/Countdown)

Linde

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@ Maddie, the surgery is the end for me. I had an orchie a while ago, and that brought me into the typical female hormone level, and allowed me to wear any female type clothing I wanted to wear, including swim suits. I live full time as a woman even longer, and have a normal female life like any cis woman has. Which means, I have pretty much arrived, and SRs is pretty much a cleaning up and "housekeeping" job for me.
I did not engage in any sexual activity for a long time, because my bottom did not jive with my female presentation. Once the surgery is done and healed out, I might be more open to interpersonal relations.
I might be a little different, because this surgery more or less restores thee condition that was removed from my body when I was an infant. (i have XX chromosomes). I never dreamed about being a girl, I always was hoping I would become a real guy. And that dream never became true.

Hugs
Linde
 

Madrhode

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Day 5/60
Look, I am on page two yippee!!! So I just thought I would do a laugh and reveal the story behind "Lady Nuggets:".

What are "Lady Nuggets"? I am sure you can figure that out, but why did this become a thing?. It started with electrolysis, my first appointment when the hair down there was zapped. I felt weird. It was unusual and felt like I got bit by some ants. I was joking to my sister about this all day. Eventually we took my niece to mcdonalds and we had a coupon able to buy Eight nuggets. I could not eat 80 nuggets, but I wanted to order 80 because I got 80 for five bucks. So we ordered them. We had them and were driving home and my sister and I were talking about my hair removal and I said yeah but I got my Eighty Nuggets, but in that moment my niece heard hair removal on lady nuggets and from that moment on Lady nuggets was a thing. So now we joke about the lady nuggets and I so have it planned after surgery to tell my niece " Guess what? No, Lady nuggets anymore."
I am already anxious, but more about Covid then I am surgery, well I think they are related as I am scared that if I catch covid they will cancel my surgery and that if it gets out of control they will cancel surgery. I am being so paranoid at work, I am trying to stay away from everyone and keep my self clear, but it is hard. I never thought I would finish my surgery during a pandemic, but I guess I will. I really have not figured out how I feel about this. I am kind of scared actually, of not now, but what the future holds. It is one of my biggest concerns. The other concern and I see it with you Nicole T, is grieving. I wish I could. I have managed to compartmentalize my finances, my transition, my hobbies, and my Grief over the loss of my family. My Dad dead of a sudden Massive heart attack, I took care of my Aunt while she lost her battle with Cancer and simultaneously cared for my grandfather as he suffered a stroke and my grandmother who had her back collapse ad left paralyzed all while she made me feel worthless. I lossed my dad and cared for the other three at the same time. My grandmother is the only one I have left and I still dont know if I forgive her or ever will. My mother has long removed me from her life and my half brother is probably still in jail. Yet still I have manage to contain this grief and anger and I have not grieved for my dad the most, he is the biggest hole in my heart. (Damn, I just burst into tears) I know that as strong as I am I do not think that I will be able to hold back all my emotions when the surgery is over and the pain drugs are in my system pulling down at my wall. I am scared of this moment and I do not know how I will handle this? This is the worst feeling of my loss of control and I am scared. Terrified. I can handle shade and I can handle misgendering mostly, but accepting my family loss is the worse I think. I should not ramble.
Day 5/60 Maddy
 

NicoleT

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Trust me family lost or something I unfortunately have become an expert at. In my experience it doesn’t actually get better, you don’t get over it, you simply endure it till it hurts a little less.

Honestly I just keep myself busy and keep moving forward, seems to be exactly what you’re doing. Bad nights will come, but you’re less than 60 days away from a very good life-changing event. Hold onto that.

Hugs
Nicole
 

Monica

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Maddy, I was very paranoid that my surgery wouldn't happen and that was without a pandemic to think about. My heart goes out to you and anyone waiting for surgery at this time. It is probably best to keep the self discipline, call it your 'game face' on until after the surgery. Then, I think it may not be a bad thing to let the emotion hit you. I know, you are fearful of it, but I don't know that shoving down the grief is a healthy thing. You never deal with it? You never are able to heal from it. Yes, keep some discipline and not allow yourself too down, but I don't think dealing with it is a bad thing. Part of a very satisfying part of my journey of transition was discovering my own vulnerability. I treated it as my enemy when I tried to live as a man. Now, I think I feel more free by embracing it. I think we can accept that we are vulnerable and it doesn't mean we are weak. Maybe we just deal with things more honestly.
 

TonyaJanelle

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Cancelation due to covid was my biggest fear. I also had to deal with a change in insurance and re do the prior authorization in 40 days. Everything worked out thankfully.

Hospital staff should all be vaccinated soon if not already so you have that on your side.
 

Madrhode

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Cancelation due to covid was my biggest fear. I also had to deal with a change in insurance and re do the prior authorization in 40 days. Everything worked out thankfully.

Hospital staff should all be vaccinated soon if not already so you have that on your side.
Yeah I’m going on staff vaccines and some lockdown happening in the next few weeks as to maybe get us passed it. I am also leaving work the 17th of February and won’t be back until end of may but the 13 days is my cushion so hopefully I don’t catch covid or I get over it. I’d like the vaccine but if I don’t get it in next few weeks then will beat this by isolation. I know a few people that got it but I’m not a priority and I wish I was. People suck at mask wearing
 

Linde

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My planned surgery is in 15 days, and the preop is in 6 days. Corona is also my biggest concern, and that is why we (Amber and I) travel in Van-Gina to Minnesota, to reduce our contact with people as much as possible.
Initially I was scheduled to have the surgery end of October 2020, but because of Corona it was moved to January already.
I am entitled to have the vaccination here in Florida, but I would be in Minnesota at the time the follow up shot is required. The Mayo could not promise to have the same vaccine available, and it was recommended not to get the initial shot in Florida. Here I sit now, hoping not to catch anything and hoping the Mayo will continue with their surgery schedule.

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Linde
 

Madrhode

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Yeah, my household had avoided so far. We have a rule of straight in to house and into the shower, sanitize sanitize sanitize, we keep a pack of mask in the each car and we mostly shop for curbside only. I wish you could get vaccinated as you are of course high risk. But you just be safe also if you want to I mention the idea of post surgery amazon wishlist for supplies on another thread. If you cared to make one I’d love to help out. Plus I have prime so free shipping for me.
 

Linde

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. But you just be safe also if you want to I mention the idea of post surgery amazon wishlist for supplies on another thread. If you cared to make one I’d love to help out. Plus I have prime so free shipping for me.
My medical specialty is infection control & prevention, I am pretty much in the know what I need to do to stay virus free.
Thank for your offer with the wish list, but I don't know much specific for it. Most female stuff I have already because Il ive all the time as a woman already, and the detailed info might get next week at my preop visit.

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Linde
 

Madrhode

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My medical specialty is infection control & prevention, I am pretty much in the know what I need to do to stay virus free.
Thank for your offer with the wish list, but I don't know much specific for it. Most female stuff I have already because Il ive all the time as a woman already, and the detailed info might get next week at my preop visit.

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Linde
Yeppers! You are right, the Be safe, I do not know if it is a Texas thing, but it is our way to say God speed traveling, which is what I meant by it. I was at work and did not fully read what I had written. I was wishing you a safe trip from Florida to the North. I do apologize if that came off as insulting to your expertise, that was not my intention .The offer is always open and same with Allie as since I have Prime I think I can send some things to her free shipping even in the land down under.
 
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Madrhode

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Day 6/60
So I am 90% sure that my surgery will not cost me too much as I got my explanation of benefits for my phone call appointment and it shows that Dr. Crane is in Network. It is not guaranteed that it will not be more, but with my recently acquired certification I think I am in the clear. I now just need the billing department to call me and finalize the details. I guess unless Covid does something this is happening for me.
So on a lighter note, the photo I am uploading is my excessive amount of lube. I ordered one bottle on subscription and it came in with the pump damaged. I then had amazon replace it. Then today my oldest Niece away at college sent me another bottle, so I think I have all the Lube I need for post op and maybe after. Ill keep this one short. Also in case your wondering why my sister was at the ER she is accident prone and fell and broke her ankle. She will be fine though. Tell tomorrow. Maddy Day 6/60
 

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Monica

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Hope your sister recovers quickly. As for lube, your doctor may recommend something specific, I don't know. I use Surgilube I get from Amazon and never have had any issues with it. Everyone is different. You will use a lot at first, but as you tamper off the number of dilations you don't need as much.
 

Madrhode

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Hope your sister recovers quickly. As for lube, your doctor may recommend something specific, I don't know. I use Surgilube I get from Amazon and never have had any issues with it. Everyone is different. You will use a lot at first, but as you tamper off the number of dilations you don't need as much.
He does not have a recommendation, just specifications for them to meet and this does. I am pretty sure three 32 oz bottles shall last me for a long time, though I am sure amazon is like what the hell sex is she doing.
 

Madrhode

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Day 7/60Mother fucktastic bull shit for a second fucking time our landlord is fucking evicting us from our place. son of a bitch!!!! We are never going to get a moment's rest. I do not know what the hell we are going to do. We can not keep having to move. This is complete and utter bull shit. We just got the notification today. I wish the fucking world would never stop spinning. We can not keep doing this. I do not know how to keep handling this. Atleast I have a therapy appointment today. Fuck
 

Madrhode

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Day 7/60Mother fucktastic bull shit for a second fucking time our landlord is fucking evicting us from our place. son of a bitch!!!! We are never going to get a moment's rest. I do not know what the hell we are going to do. We can not keep having to move. This is complete and utter bull shit. We just got the notification today. I wish the fucking world would never stop spinning. We can not keep doing this. I do not know how to keep handling this. Atleast I have a therapy appointment today. Fuck
Clarification she can not pay her bill and has to sell her house and move in here.
 

NicoleT

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Yeah your housing situation sounds like a disaster. I’m sorry to hear things aren’t well.
But that shouldn’t affect the surgery still. Just stay positive hopefully you’ll be able to find something, who knows maybe it’ll even be better. The surgery is too important and you deserve to find happiness and peace within yourself. Please don’t let anything stop you.

I hope you can find a place that suits you. House/apartment hunting can suck. It’s tough with work in Austin, but the further you get out of town, the cheaper it’ll be.

Hugs
Nicole
 

Madrhode

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It’s major surgery and we have to move so double rent. Also my sister has to be able to care for me work and other things
 

NicoleT

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No doubt that’s going to be tougher on your sister too. Just don’t give up on the idea until you absolutely have to. You being whole is very important. Sending positive vibes to you to find a good place and to find a way to have it all work out.

Hugs
 

Madrhode

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Fingers crossed
 

TonyaJanelle

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It’s major surgery and we have to move so double rent. Also my sister has to be able to care for me work and other things
Moving always sucks. Hsvinvvyo do it quickly must at least triple suck. Good luck
No doubt that’s going to be tougher on your sister too. Just don’t give up on the idea until you absolutely have to. You being whole is very important. Sending positive vibes to you to find a good place and to find a way to have it all work out.

Hugs
I agree, do what ever you need to make sure this still happens.
 
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