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Diary of a Mad Trans Woman( GRS Vlog/Countdown)

Madrhode

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Joined
Dec 23, 2020
Messages
297
Gender Pronouns
She, Her, Hers, Herself
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Female
New year and another year gone!
I will say that while this past year has been a scat storm, one for the history books! It has actually been a remarkable one for me, personally. About this time last year I learned how awesome my company is in regards to transition coverage. So I set up my GRS consult. I met with my surgeon, Dr. Santucci at the Crane Center for Transgender Surgery (CCTS) in Austin, TX. on February 26th. We had decided to do the surgery in December of 2020 or January 2021.
Then the 27th hit and our landlord decided that she wanted to sell the house my roommates, their child and myself lived in. At this time they did not know that I was T. This time the pandemic was just beginning to emerge from its lair and instead of heeding warning we went to the circus twice (I did not know the show would be a year long.) Following this, I had my pre-op appointment for my weight loss surgery and having started off 2019 at 426 pounds I was going to die. I lost forty pounds to get this. I was at 383 pounds and was ready for surgery. We were packing our belongings and I had a decision to make. I had a place to go but my roommates had become family and I was lying to them so I had to decide to tell them I was trans. I figured I wanted to continue living with them, but I wanted to be honest. If they did not accept me then I would get my own place. I took asked my roommate to accompany me on a walk and I told her. She was supportive but had to tell her husband. We decided not to tell the thirteen year old kid.
A week later, she told me she had told her husband and he did not care. In that moment we started calling each other sisters. He is my brother in law and the kid is now my niece. (I have the Dance Aunt shirt to prove it) I had found my family after my blood relatives had all passed except my grandmother in Houston who was in a nursing home, but she had told me I was not family so I paid no mind. A week later was my supposed to be my birthday and a party was planned and then Covid was released on the world in full force and the United states and the whole world said "Fuck this shit!" and canceled my birthday. Two days later the governor decided to cancel elective surgeries and my weight loss surgery was gone. Then as would be a weird year the doctor called and told me it was deemed non elective and back on, so on March 25th 2020, with a pandemic raging, I had my weight loss surgery and pulled through. All this time, my family was packing and moving and I was useless. I laid there in the recliner.
A week later, watching Goodburger on Television. It felt wrong, something was wrong. I yelled at my niece and she ran to her parents room. By the time her mom made it out I was having seizures and in and out of consciousness. I do not remember much until the paramedics got there and deadname me, which pissed me off, I have not went by that name in four years, even my sister did not know my dead name, nor did she tell them. According to her, I was not responding to her, but the moment they said my dead name, I was like that is not my name and I was back lol arguing and furious at the medics. It was as if the deadname was officially dying. They rushed me to the hospital and I was heavy bleeding from my rectal area. Pooping constantly. I was dying and did not know it. Fast forward and I had had a surgery complication mixed with an ulcer and required three or four blood transfusions from the blood loss. Had I been natal female I would have died, had my niece argued and waited fifteen minutes I would not have survived and passed away. My niece saved my life. She is my hero.
Honestly, looking back I think this was the actual death of my deadname and I ,Maddy, having shed all my bonds was now able to live unchained. I recovered and I went back home. With teddy bear my niece sent me at the hospital. I am here today thank goodness. This also helped me to now get GRS. (More later). A couple months later and my niece came out as bisexual and had a girlfriend. I could not be prouder and with her mothers blessing, I told her I was T. We grew close. We are very close and I support her and she supports me. I eventually went back to work and I began to loose a lot of weight. In August I learned , Crane was now accepting in network my insurance and that really sped up my surgery. I gathered my letter and forwarded them to the crane center and the journey was now set. I begin to work excessive hours at work and saving and saving and saving. I got hair removal and during this I learned to navigate insurance because I was getting certified as a medical billing and coding specialist and I got certified. I discovered thanks to the ulcer I wiped out my out of pocket for the year and at the beginning of October, I owed only 463 dollars until my insurance covered my surgery at a hundred percent. With therapist visits and doctor visits, I have whittled that down some about a hundred dollars, but I decided to add in breast augmentation, If I was not having to pay for it why the heck not. So thus began the process of waiting for surgery and new boobs as a Christmas present. I continued working. For Christmas the only things I asked for was the ice maxi pads and bulk bottles of lube. I have collected surgical tape, gloves, a hundred and fifty maxipads from work that I took over the last year, they are free for women so I figured I would slowly accumulate them. I got a start and on Christmas, my sister gave me a pink butterfly lunch bag and a card telling me she is proud of me and is happy my dream is happening and to all ways be me. I love her. So now at my current weight of 272 and loosing it is now 60 days until surgery and I figured I should write one to see how far I have come and to let people know what may lie ahead for them as many others have done for me.
This is my day 1/60 and I hope it helps all to know that while 2020 sucked all around in my world it was one of my best years. Count your blessings, everyday, make 2021 an amazing year and also remember the last thing I almost died last seeing was the horrible movie ,Goodburger, so it can not get worse then that lol Thanks, Maddy- Day 1/60 Days till surgery
 

Monica

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Thank you for sharing Maddy, what a ride, wow! Glad you are here too!
 

Madrhode

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Dec 23, 2020
Messages
297
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Day 2/60
59 Days left and I do not know what to do, less then two months. It has come down to this. I've spent my life waiting for this day and yet I do not know if it is the loss of my family and I just know that I expected to loose them coming out, but instead they supported me, but I lost them before I was able to finish my journey, and it keeps me from feeling as excited about it. but come to think of it, "Is it really finished?" or is it just the first or even the second mountain in my life I am reaching the summit on? Having attend the zoom meeting was an amazing return to my life ten years ago when I met at in person support group and felt no objections and only caring. It is hard to realize how much you missed that interaction until you get it back and wonder why you stopped. I am not fully out of my shell but I think their is only a small piece left and will probably be shed quickly.
As of now on surgery supplies, I have a stock pile of a hundred and fifty maxi pads, 20 pack of icepads, two rolls of med tape, 30 sets of gloves, twelve things of surgical gauze, and regular gauze, and two tubes of Neosporin. I still need lube but who does not need lube.

So need lube, a backscratcher, antibacterial soap, paper towels. and two longer beach towels, maybe three.
If anyone has ideas, throw them up. I hope all ends up awesome and I cant wait until the seaslug is carved off of me. I will say electrolysis down there has made me feel more dysphoric as it feels even "Ickier" to feel and look at. Anyway lets get another day down. Day 2/60 Be strong, be safe and be you, Love Maddy
 

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Monica

Fight for self love!
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I think the active transition stops at some point, but the passive one continues. It continues throughout life. My surgery part got done relatively quickly, and now I'm further exploring living more as my correct gender. You've lived your correct gender longer than me, and now you are addressing the surgical thing. Personally, I don't want my evolution to stop, gender related or otherwise. It does suck to not have loved ones see how things turn out. I guess I try to focus on what I can have, not what is missing. Sometimes it works, sometimes not!
 

Linde

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@ Moni, I do not fully understand what you mean with your transition going on? I had my orchi relatively close to the time you had SRS. Which means, both of us are about as long on a mostly female hormone level. I will have the "clean up" surgery between my legs in 18 days from now (if Covid-19 agrees), but I see this not as changing me, for me it is more like housekeeping to get everything into the right place> I feel more or less that my transition (or as Kenna says, my de-transition) is mostly over already for quite some time. I live as a woman among other women, and they all see me as a fellow female (yes, we even talk about women specific stuff). But being done with transition, does not mean that my evolution stops, I hope will continue to grow and evolve for the rest of my life.
But should not all humans try to evolve and grow, this is nothing trans specific, or?
Giving my sexual orientation, I am now very carefully dating a cis woman (we are still online, because of Covid-19) to be able to fill this void in my life. This is evolution for me. I did not have any romantic relation for about 20 years, now that I feel I have arrived for good, I try to fil this void (I have that real designer voice now, and probably can sing love songs to her? :love:)

Hugs
Linde
 

Madrhode

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Dec 23, 2020
Messages
297
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@ Moni, I do not fully understand what you mean with your transition going on? I had my orchi relatively close to the time you had SRS. Which means, both of us are about as long on a mostly female hormone level. I will have the "clean up" surgery between my legs in 18 days from now (if Covid-19 agrees), but I see this not as changing me, for me it is more like housekeeping to get everything into the right place> I feel more or less that my transition (or as Kenna says, my de-transition) is mostly over already for quite some time. I live as a woman among other women, and they all see me as a fellow female (yes, we even talk about women specific stuff). But being done with transition, does not mean that my evolution stops, I hope will continue to grow and evolve for the rest of my life.
But should not all humans try to evolve and grow, this is nothing trans specific, or?
Giving my sexual orientation, I am now very carefully dating a cis woman (we are still online, because of Covid-19) to be able to fill this void in my life. This is evolution for me. I did not have any romantic relation for about 20 years, now that I feel I have arrived for good, I try to fil this void (I have that real designer voice now, and probably can sing love songs to her? :love:)

Hugs
Linde
hoping covid lets you have it fingers crossed
 

Madrhode

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Joined
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Messages
297
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I think the active transition stops at some point, but the passive one continues. It continues throughout life. My surgery part got done relatively quickly, and now I'm further exploring living more as my correct gender. You've lived your correct gender longer than me, and now you are addressing the surgical thing. Personally, I don't want my evolution to stop, gender related or otherwise. It does suck to not have loved ones see how things turn out. I guess I try to focus on what I can have, not what is missing. Sometimes it works, sometimes not!
I will agree there is no cookie cutter way to transition. So to all the boys and girls wanting to know a right way there is no right way. Some take ladders, some climb a tree and some use stairs but we can all get there I guess for me it was work how I could afford. The social and legally transition was more affordable at the time. I searched out my job because of their transfriendly insurance and busted my ass off to get there
 

Monica

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Mostly @Linde you answered your own question about the evolution. As for me, I am like a preteen who's never been on a date. I've got no experience as a straight woman. Of course I need to evolve and learn and adjust. I also think, in my case alone, that until I experience this, my gender journey will have a big gap in it. I'm kind of hungry for it, but Covid is keeping supper off the table.

Maddy, I greatly respect what you have done! You've taken control of your future under difficult circumstances. It's role model material.
 

OzGirl

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I am nowhere near done with transition, in 3 days, I hope my GRS removes one source of Dysphoria, but I have more. I really don’t know what my future holds after a lifetime of different phases of being myself. My partner is saying she is loving her life and expecting to stay, but I am missing intimacy. I met a man yesterday on a bike trail, we spoke briefly an as I walked away I had the feeling I would like to get to know him more, but not sexually. I know there is more in my transition waiting for me.

Hugs,

Allie
 

Maybebaby56

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Joined
Apr 14, 2020
Messages
186
Day 2/60
59 Days left and I do not know what to do, less then two months. It has come down to this. I've spent my life waiting for this day and yet I do not know if it is the loss of my family and I just know that I expected to loose them coming out, but instead they supported me, but I lost them before I was able to finish my journey, and it keeps me from feeling as excited about it. but come to think of it, "Is it really finished?" or is it just the first or even the second mountain in my life I am reaching the summit on? Having attend the zoom meeting was an amazing return to my life ten years ago when I met at in person support group and felt no objections and only caring. It is hard to realize how much you missed that interaction until you get it back and wonder why you stopped. I am not fully out of my shell but I think their is only a small piece left and will probably be shed quickly.
As of now on surgery supplies, I have a stock pile of a hundred and fifty maxi pads, 20 pack of icepads, two rolls of med tape, 30 sets of gloves, twelve things of surgical gauze, and regular gauze, and two tubes of Neosporin. I still need lube but who does not need lube.

So need lube, a backscratcher, antibacterial soap, paper towels. and two longer beach towels, maybe three.
If anyone has ideas, throw them up. I hope all ends up awesome and I cant wait until the seaslug is carved off of me. I will say electrolysis down there has made me feel more dysphoric as it feels even "Ickier" to feel and look at. Anyway lets get another day down. Day 2/60 Be strong, be safe and be you, Love Maddy
Hello Maddy,

First of all, congratulations on getting this far. I never realized how much of a privilege it was to be able to have access to life-affirming surgeries until @Moni pointed it out to me.

Was this the list of supplies your surgeon gave you?? If so, I am surprised. Maxipads are very uncomfortable, and I seriously doubt you're going to need 150 of them. There shouldn't be that much bleeding post-op. I doubt if I used two or three. I never used any gloves, or had any use for surgical tape or gauze. Make sure your lube is water-soluble. Surgilube is the usual brand recommended. You can get a case of 12 tubes for under 50 bucks on Amazon. Ice packs are a good means for controlling pain, but I got a reusable one at the hospital, and packs of frozen peas work very well if you don't have anything else.

Tissues, more than paper towels, will be needed, as will baby wipes. What are the beach towels for? Protecting your bed? I highly recommend you use disposable pads ("puppy pads", aka incontinence pads). You're not going to have the energy or inclination to wash bloody/goopy towels. Just wad up the pads and throw them away. They are cheap on Amazon.

Get a big bottle of ibuprofen to help with pain and swelling. Surgeons are getting so stingy with narcotics these days. Also, make sure you have hand mirror. If your surgeon requires you to douche, ask specifically what they recommend. My original surgeon (Dr. McGinn) did not advise douching, but my second surgeon (Dr. Bluebond-Langner) did. However, they gave me like four 500 mL bottles of saline, some catheters and a couple of 50 mL syringes, so it was not necessary for me to buy those things.

Oh - one last thing: get an inflatable donut cushion. You're going to need it. Inflatable is best, because you can control how firm you want, and you can deflate it for travel.

Hope this helps.

With kindness,

Terri
 

Maybebaby56

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Joined
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Messages
186
I am nowhere near done with transition, in 3 days, I hope my GRS removes one source of Dysphoria, but I have more. I really don’t know what my future holds after a lifetime of different phases of being myself. My partner is saying she is loving her life and expecting to stay, but I am missing intimacy. I met a man yesterday on a bike trail, we spoke briefly an as I walked away I had the feeling I would like to get to know him more, but not sexually. I know there is more in my transition waiting for me.

Hugs,

Allie
Wolves, Allie! Men are all wolves, I tell you!

It's an interesting transition in itself to having men in your life as sex partners. I've only just begun to explore this aspect of my life, and I have already had a few "welcome to being a woman" moments. Men can be self-centered assholes, let me tell you, but I have met a couple of really nice guys too.

~Terri
 

OzGirl

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Terri, I'm having shallow depth, so I am committed to no sex! I know what men are like, and I am more than wary of them, but I would like to get to know some socially as a woman. All the men I know now knew me before transition!

Maddy, following pics are the list my surgeon gave me for post op, and what a recent patient advised me to take to hospital.I had another good tip from another recent patient to always take a 1 pint or smaller bottle of pre mixed salt solution to wash down the operative site after going to the toilet, and a small hand towel to dry the area (single use then wash!) Hope some of this is helpful!

Hugs,

Allie

IMG_4450.jpg
Screen Shot 2020-12-18 at 7.29.27 pm.png
 

Linde

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Wolves, Allie! Men are all wolves, I tell you!

It's an interesting transition in itself to having men in your life as sex partners. I've only just begun to explore this aspect of my life, and I have already had a few "welcome to being a woman" moments. Men can be self-centered assholes, let me tell you, but I have met a couple of really nice guys too.

~Terri
Hearing this Terri makes me feeling even better to know that I am interested in females only. I will follow Allie with my surgery in a few days, but I will get some kind of a hybrid thing, with a 3" deep vaginal cavity, and, if possible, a G-Spot.
But, as i said, I have no interest in men. I had my orchi several years ago, and it has not changed my sexual orientation a bit.

Hugs
Linde
 

Madrhode

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Messages
297
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Hello Maddy,

First of all, congratulations on getting this far. I never realized how much of a privilege it was to be able to have access to life-affirming surgeries until @Moni pointed it out to me.

Was this the list of supplies your surgeon gave you?? If so, I am surprised. Maxipads are very uncomfortable, and I seriously doubt you're going to need 150 of them. There shouldn't be that much bleeding post-op. I doubt if I used two or three. I never used any gloves, or had any use for surgical tape or gauze. Make sure your lube is water-soluble. Surgilube is the usual brand recommended. You can get a case of 12 tubes for under 50 bucks on Amazon. Ice packs are a good means for controlling pain, but I got a reusable one at the hospital, and packs of frozen peas work very well if you don't have anything else.

Tissues, more than paper towels, will be needed, as will baby wipes. What are the beach towels for? Protecting your bed? I highly recommend you use disposable pads ("puppy pads", aka incontinence pads). You're not going to have the energy or inclination to wash bloody/goopy towels. Just wad up the pads and throw them away. They are cheap on Amazon.

Get a big bottle of ibuprofen to help with pain and swelling. Surgeons are getting so stingy with narcotics these days. Also, make sure you have hand mirror. If your surgeon requires you to douche, ask specifically what they recommend. My original surgeon (Dr. McGinn) did not advise douching, but my second surgeon (Dr. Bluebond-Langner) did. However, they gave me like four 500 mL bottles of saline, some catheters and a couple of 50 mL syringes, so it was not necessary for me to buy those things.

Oh - one last thing: get an inflatable donut cushion. You're going to need it. Inflatable is best, because you can control how firm you want, and you can deflate it for travel.

Hope this helps.

With kindness,

Terri
I did not see this till now, but the pads were overkill, I just wanted to have enough lol. I am getting the puppy pads, the towels are to add a second layer between my wound and the bed under the puppy pad and/or carpet floor. I have my sister to do my washing for me. lol I ordered a 32 ounce bottle of lube and put it on a four week subscription from amazon. Ill get another before surgery and one during recovery and by then I can figure out how much I use and maybe move to a couple months or three months. I will get a hand mirror. These things are just things I have compiled after years of seeing everyone's post surgery posts. I appreciate everyone's feed back.
 

Madrhode

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Day 3/60
Work, blah, I still have one and a half more months until my leave starts. It can not come soon enough. I do not mind my job, but it is taxing and I want to get into my field of billing and coding. I am still going through my prep work. Getting my room tidy and making friends and rivals (Nicole T) looking at you. JK I am ecstatic to have some one close and over the moon to be welcomed here. I have felt lonely because its been so long since I have had women I identified with to talk too. At work we have gay men and lesbians and FTM's , but at least to my knowledge there are no MTF's. At my site. It is a travesty, but one day, that or they are scared to out themselves which I get. I have only met the FTM's by all my lesbian co-workers. I am not out at work as funny as it is. I am female at work but they do not know I used to be AMAB. I have told some coworkers and they are stunned. I guess this is a goo stopping point. Hugs to everyone and lots of love and to those that need to know this. You are Amazing!!!!!!

Day 3/60 Tootles Maddy
 

Madrhode

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So I so did not see the blog section, can this be move there? If not I will just update this with a grs title and post new blog in the blog section, my apologies
 

OzGirl

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So I so did not see the blog section, can this be move there? If not I will just update this with a grs title and post new blog in the blog section, my apologies
No problems, thread moved!!!

Allie
 

Madrhode

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Day 4/60
I had a thought today and it was what exactly is the endgame. I mean some trans have surgery and spend time adjusting, some of us adjust and spend time getting surgery. I feel like maybe get busy living or get busy dying. I might have started young. I guess the internet helped me because I had aol dial up that allowed me to search out transgender. I knew from the second grade that I was female, not that I was transgender. I have focused on the transgender part of my life with out realizing, the female is what I identified with at that age. I have spent years working toward the goal to get surgery, every move I had made except the ulcer, was toward transition, but really I transitioned long ago. I have been Maddy, whether I had a penis or not. I think maybe this is loss on some peoples parts. Please do not get focused on getting surgery as much as focus on being you. I do think surgery is a big step, do not get me wrong, but there are so many other steps that when added together are what makes you beautiful. other then breast, bottom surgery is not really visible, so spend a minute longer in that dress, pay for fifteen extra minutes on electrolysis, paint your nails, buy that Gucci bag, sing along to Beyonce in the highest tone you can get. You are you always atleast that is how I think it is for me. I know my surgery has been awhile, but if I had waited for surgery to live as myself, I would not have met the caring and beautiful people that have become my family. till tomorrow day 4/60 love yall Maddy
 

NicoleT

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Your blog is a very interesting read. It’s quite amazing what we have to come from to get here. Before my suicide attempt I’d gotten over 354 pounds. That was the day I needed to do something else and I did. Unfortunately for me my greatest support is no longer on earth, but I’ve tried to continue forward.

I am so happy for you working on yourself to get better. You have had a tough road. I’m so happy to hear that your insurance covers all of the surgeries you need . My insurance doesn’t cover anything. Huge international company and as it turns out I’m going to be the first transgender person to transition in their history, while on the job. Actually helped them write the code of conduct, training, ect..... I’m now trying to force the insurance company to start paying for a few things. Otherwise it’s all out of pocket ,Except for medication and co-pays with doctors. Luckily I dropped 100 pounds on my own(that surgery was also denied) I figure I just got to keep going forward, just like you, lose the weight and prepare for what is to come.

You really sound like you’re on track. I’m extremely happy for you.

Hugs
Nicole
 

OzGirl

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Day 4/60
I had a thought today and it was what exactly is the endgame. I mean some trans have surgery and spend time adjusting, some of us adjust and spend time getting surgery. I feel like maybe get busy living or get busy dying. I might have started young. I guess the internet helped me because I had aol dial up that allowed me to search out transgender. I knew from the second grade that I was female, not that I was transgender. I have focused on the transgender part of my life with out realizing, the female is what I identified with at that age. I have spent years working toward the goal to get surgery, every move I had made except the ulcer, was toward transition, but really I transitioned long ago. I have been Maddy, whether I had a penis or not. I think maybe this is loss on some peoples parts. Please do not get focused on getting surgery as much as focus on being you. I do think surgery is a big step, do not get me wrong, but there are so many other steps that when added together are what makes you beautiful. other then breast, bottom surgery is not really visible, so spend a minute longer in that dress, pay for fifteen extra minutes on electrolysis, paint your nails, buy that Gucci bag, sing along to Beyonce in the highest tone you can get. You are you always atleast that is how I think it is for me. I know my surgery has been awhile, but if I had waited for surgery to live as myself, I would not have met the caring and beautiful people that have become my family. till tomorrow day 4/60 love yall Maddy
Maddy, a couple of people here are asking "what now?" post surgery, and it is because they have looked at surgery as a finishing point. I've never lost track of the pursuit of happiness, and surgery was always just a step along that path. I guess it helps that I've known I was female all my life and I just want a normal life, so transition isn't my goal!

Hugs,

Allie
 
En Femme 728 x 90
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