Confused and have Questions

[Magness]

I was born a man lived my life up to 30 years as a man. When I was younger I grew up with sisters and I was the youngest so when ever they wanted to play we had to play dress up and and sometimes use make up...I would do my sisters make up for them and there nails and since we where playing dress up I would put on dresses and get my nails painted and I did put make up on I think just on two occasions that I can remember. But then I grew up and no longer did thoughs things and I would be a man dress like one talk like one act like one I even grew a big beard and would have only shaved maybe 6 times in my life time so 99% of the time I was bearded.....but yet I find myself wondering and thinking what if I was born a girl sometimes wishing it to. I wonder what would I look like...what sized breasts would I have if I was born a girl and would I have a flat or puffy pussy...would I keep it shaved or leave a bit of hair. And I find myself wanting to ware dresses and skirts again like when I was a kid and that I would like to look pretty like a woman is.....im not into men and when I have sex with wemon I find myself thinking is that all there is to it...she cums and I cum but im not satisfied but I am always getting erections and sex is not all that so I end up just jacking it just to make it stop but then a few hours later its up again. I feel like my dick is more of a burden always wanting attention and it gets in the way...sometimes ill be laying in the shower and I tuck it between my legs so it looks like I have a vagina instead and it makes me feel relieved some how.....I think about taking estrogen pills and haveing a sex change but then I think what if after I find out the doctor fucked up and now I have an ugly pussy or massive scars that never go away that make it look horrible and also I am married...but my wife tells me that if it would make me happy go for it and she would fully support me....but I am a man and I am married but then sometimes I want to be pretty and dress girly and sometimes I just want to cut my dick off just to stop the constant erections.....a lot of times im not even horny it just stands up all on its own and I am not even wanting anything sexual at that moment. I feel confused.

 

[a Birdie on a Wire]

Hi Magness and welcome to this forum.
So, there is a lot to unpack from what you wrote and I would first encourage you to seek out a gender therapist (I actually went to three over the past two years to get different opinions) you could talk to so you can flush out some of the issues you talked about in your post. The help and clarity a qualified therapist can give cannot be stressed enough.

So there is something that MANY people get confused with when it comes to trying to understand transgender folx and/or if they are questioning their gender themselves. That is: (please see my signature below) that gender identity is not determined by anatomy. One can have a vagina and still identify as a man or conversely have a penis and identify as a woman. Gender identity is not determined whether or not one has facial hair, wears makeup, wears dresses, is attracted to men, women, enbies or all of the above. Gender identity is not determined by whether or not you have a deformity or not.

Gender identity... is something you innately feel within you. That is how it is determined.

I hope this helps a little.
Take care.
~ Wren

 

[Confused]

Hi Magness,

Welcome to the Refuge. I use the profile name of Confused, because at one point not long ago I was really confused. Take some time to look around the forum and join in on conversations so we can get to know you better. I think you will find you are not alone here.

Hugs,
Mike

 

[Katie]

I can sympathize with the feeling that a penis is a burden, one that I always felt was not worth carrying. I have always wanted that thing gone as far back as I can remember, and the intensity of those feelings only grew stronger puberty and the onset of erections.

Whether or not to transition and have GCS is a decision that none of us can make for you. I can tell you that I, personally, would rather have an ugly vulva than a penis of any appearance. I don't want GCS so other people can admire my genitals, I need it to feel whole. The appearance is secondary.

Have you been working with a therapist? If not, would you consider looking for one and discussing these feelings with them?