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Katie

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I have a weird problem. As many of you know, I have a wife. She has been struggling with my transition, and her latest freak out was over my boobs being bigger than hers.

I am not sure how to deal with this. It really bothers her. I am very happy with how my body is changing and responding to HRT, but I don't know how to make this more tolerable for my wife. I already wear baggy shirts and vests and stuff to conceal them, but they are definitely there and they have grown larger than hers. No matter what I do to conceal them, she knows they are there and that I am a good cup size or more bigger than she is.

Has anyone else had to deal with this? How did you get through this with a female partner?

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Linde

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Do you feel it is more the knowledge that they are there than the actual looks?  If it is looks you could try a mild binder/binding type undershirt.
If it is the knowledge that you have boobs, which will certainly grow even more, she needs to see a psychologist, the same would be rue for her thoughts that yours are larger than hers.  It might be an underlying fear that you are more of a woman than she is?


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Linde
 

Katie

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[member=2]Linde[/member] , it seems to be both. The very presence of them makes her uncomfortable, and she complained over the weekend that they are bigger than hers. I don't want to throw it back in her face, saying "well, how do you think I felt all these years?". But it is the truth and I don't think she can understand what it is like to have missed fundamental development, and then to be cut down when you finally get to experience it. It's a double whammy, and I don't know how to make this tolerable for the both of us.
 

Linde

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Katie said:
[member=2]Linde[/member] , it seems to be both. The very presence of them makes her uncomfortable, and she complained over the weekend that they are bigger than hers. I don't want to throw it back in her face, saying "well, how do you think I felt all these years?". But it is the truth and I don't think she can understand what it is like to have missed fundamental development, and then to be cut down when you finally get to experience it. It's a double whammy, and I don't know how to make this tolerable for the both of us.
Well, they are there, you can't push them back in, you also can't give her a share of them either. 
It is very likely that you grow some measurable amount more.  I don't know if she would take some estrogen, whether it would help her to grow a little more.  Only and endo or gyno could answer that.  But would this be a solution or is it more?  Is she seeing the guy disappearing in front of her eyes?

I rally think you guys have only two ways to handle it.  Ether you go together to therapy, and make the way together, or you separate and each goes their own path.  If done intelligently, the kids will not hurt to much, if done wrong the kids will learn to either dislike mother or father or both.

I think you need professional help here.




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Donica

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Oh dear... that is a mess Katie. I was already separated from my wife at the time but I also wasn't out yet. I found women's tight tank tops (women's wife beaters) under loose shirts worked half way decent. They weren't that bad in the summer either. The only other suggestion I could come up with is to use a binder. The girls aren't going anywhere. At least for the moment, it doesn't sound like your wife is going to come to terms over this anytime soon?
 

Deleted

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The wife has issues with the whole transition thing. She even got you in hot water with your church just for kicks. It sounds like it just is not going to end. The two of you are going to have to face reality. If she is half as vindictive as she appears to be, then divorce may just be the only answer. Otherwise, she will just continue to make your life as miserable as she possibly can until she finally breaks every ounce of spirit you have.

I know you want to be there for your children, but do you want your children to see your wife destroy you? Would that not be sending them the wrong message on how to cope with real world problems?
 

Maddie

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Even if you could hide them..
If it isn't the breasts don't you think it will probably be something else?
 

Donica

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Lady Sarah said:
The wife has issues with the whole transition thing. She even got you in hot water with your church just for kicks. It sounds like it just is not going to end. The two of you are going to have to face reality. If she is half as vindictive as she appears to be, then divorce may just be the only answer. Otherwise, she will just continue to make your life as miserable as she possibly can until she finally breaks every ounce of spirit you have.

I know you want to be there for your children, but do you want your children to see your wife destroy you? Would that not be sending them the wrong message on how to cope with real world problems?

I don't understand how someone with such a religious background can be so hateful to another human being. This is not religion to me. Unfortunately your kids are already witnessing your wife's anger and hatred. This is how the bandwagon keeps rolling through generation after generation. It only takes one parent to hand down this hatred. And unless she can come to terms with this, it won't matter whether you're there our not.
 

Deleted

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No matter how you look at it, she will be upset about something unless you you take a look at the Serenity Prayer, especially the line that reads "Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change".  In this case, she cannot change you back to being the man she married, because you are no longer that man and never will be.
 

Linde

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Lady Sarah said:
  In this case, she cannot change you back to being the man she married, because you are no longer that man and never will be.

Was she ever?  Or was she just a fake image of a man.  I know, I was, an that made me to even try harder to be a manly man!


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Katie

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Linde said:
Was she ever?  Or was she just a fake image of a man.  I know, I was, an that made me to even try harder to be a manly man!


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I understand what Sarah is saying. In my wife's eyes, she married a man and I was a man as far as she could tell. And I gave her no reason to think otherwise. I tried hard to play thr role of man and hide my real identity.

Yes, it was a fake image, but was an image that held a lot of value for her. Like a famous actor who is known for only one decades long role starring in a television show, but the  can't find work after the show ends because nobody can accept them in a different role.

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Donica

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This is where the guilt and shame come in. Aside from being a person who can harbor that much hate, she married what she thought was a man. I have to admit, although I openly cross-dress through my marriage to maintain my own sanity, I couldn't help but feel guilt and shame. It's what she expected and wanted.

Most people can be excepting and at least civil about it, even though they may or may not want to stay with the marriage, but when people act as you described your wife, there is no compatibility, and would be a miserable existence anyway.
 

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Katie said:
I understand what Sarah is saying. In my wife's eyes, she married a man and I was a man as far as she could tell. And I gave her no reason to think otherwise. I tried hard to play thr role of man and hide my real identity.

Yes, it was a fake image, but was an image that held a lot of value for her. Like a famous actor who is known for only one decades long role starring in a television show, but the  can't find work after the show ends because nobody can accept them in a different role.

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Yes, it is like being type casted. If your wife cannot open her mind enough to see you in any other way, you will continue to have problems. If she is that closed minded, I doubt you will convince her to go to any sort of therapy. My adoptive mother was like that. She died filled with hate towards anything and anyone she could not control. I pray for a better outcome with your situation.
 

Christina

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Yes there are people who recognize them that you are getting a girl who is treated with you in the trend of this is not good for others to respect what we love to be lucky together my lesbian mystery is an absolute treatment like a girl but more than this is doing many things that all the needs of the label is even sex is to tell me you are my fatty I wish your coup with you gently treat
نعم هناك أشخاص من تعترف لهم انك فتاة يتغيرون معك في تعامل هذا شي ليس جيد ايجب على اخرين احترام ما نحب ان نكون اني محظوظه معا زوحتي مثليه هي تحبين تعامل مثل فتاة بل اكثر من هذا هي تقوم اشياء كثير هي تقوم كل احتياجات من معامل حتى جنس هي تقولي لي انت فتاتي اتمنى تكون ازواجكم معكم تعامل بلطف
 

Tia

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As you obviously know, this has nothing to do with your breast size but all about acceptance, no surprise. My wife, Deb, also had to wrestle with acceptance. The acceptance was four fold, all of her hopes and dreams were to be married to her man, all of her Christian learning strictly defined what was acceptable in marriage, she wasn't a lesbian and of course, what will everyone think. Her transition and acceptance was perhaps more difficult than mine. I was going to something that brought me joy and completeness while hers destroyed her lifelong concepts of Camelot. I have been blessed with her finding acceptance and growth and a much fuller understanding of God's love.

Your wife is still wrestling, we will pray for you.

FYI, don't point out to her that while your breasts may be larger they are probably perter as well, that is a no go! This is something that one woman on another site made the mistake of regularly pointing out to her struggling spouse.
 

Linde

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Tia said:
FYI, don't point out to her that while your breasts may be larger they are probably perter as well, that is a no go! This is something that one woman on another site made the mistake of regularly pointing out to her struggling spouse.
This is not only a problem for spouses, but also not very well liked by adult daughters either.  My daughter is pretty full breasted, and she tells me all the time that she envies my perky boobs, and that I look like she did when she was 18.  She really does not like it that I can run around without a bra all week long, while she has to wear the contraption of torture all day long.

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Linde
 
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