Baggage

[OzGirl]

Recently, I have done very poorly at dealing with my partner leaving. As horrible as the prospect of starting over at 67 years old is, it wasn't just the break up which left me curled up and sobbing. I have unresolved issues about being trans. I hate it, and I resolved many, many years ago my life woud be much more fulfilled if I wasn't trans. Being trans made my childhood a misery. It nealy killed me through puberty, and trying to figure out my place as a young adult. It caused me to make a poor decision in marriage, and set me on a path for decades of stress and exhaustive work loads. After my kids left home I was able to have a relationship which allowed limited support for my gender dysphoria, and for 20 years I actually had a comfortable life.

Of course, my dysphoria got worse, it caused depression, and because I refused to give into it, I had a few stressful years before dysphoria made me so sick I had to transition. To me, dysphoria had won a life long battle, not only did I have to transition, the worst part was that I had to admit that I no longer controlled my life. Yes, I was being forced, against my will, to do something I never wanted to do. I have not been able to reconcile this, and it simmers constantly beneath the surface. When something else goes wrong which upsets me, my unresolved issue about losing control of my life surfaces. Especially when it is something like my life partner leaving me because I am trans. Then I have to deal with my unresolved issue, and the consequences of it, and it becomes too much.

I have spoken to a couple of psychologists about this, and they gave me the sage advice that I need to get on top of this as it will cause me troubles. I already knew that, what I needed from them was a way to get on top of it! But no solutions have been forthcoming, so my unresolved issue is still simmering just below the surface.

I guess I am not alone in this, as many of us have unresolved issues which crop up at times of stress, and being trans is full of times of stress! I have found it beneficial to seperate my issues and deal with them individually, rather than let one drag the other down, but I am far from getting on top of this.

Hugs,

Allie

 

[Kenna]

Allie, I hate to sound like a broken record, and I acknowledge a previous professional bias, but that's just the sort of thing that the Acceptance and Commitment Therapy approach is particularly effective at addressing. Far too many psychologists are stuck on a CBT model of counseling which works well for some people with some issues but not for many others and/or issues. I suspect that this might have been what you've been subjected to, either that or possibly plain old incompetence. I'd encourage you to check out the ACT link then consider getting The Happiness Trap. And as I said on another thread, if you're ever game and in a position to try another therapist, check out one using this model.

Hugs!
-Kenna

 

[OzGirl]

Thanks Kenna, I started this thread as a bit of an example of dealing with baggage many of us carry, so your advice should be helpful to those who read this and can identify with it! I will see if I can get a copy of the Happiness Trap, as it’s likely to benefit me.

Hugs,

Allie

@Kenna , book ordered!

 

[Donica]

I hope you can get a handle on this soon Allie. It breaks my heart to see you go through this. I think Kenna said it. Unfortunately more therapist seem to use a one size fits all approach, which obviously rarely works. I pleaded with PCP's and psychiatrist that I need help, but it all seemed to fall on deaf ears. One psych would start to fall asleep half way through each hour long session. My last visit, he fell asleep 20 minutes in. so I just got up and left without waking him. What does this say? Am I really that boring? Was this the best they could do? I was lucky to find a therapist with the intelligence and compassion to recognize the suffering we're going through. Maybe your current situations is a blessing in disguise once the dust settles, and you can spend more time focused on your own needs. Wishing you the best.

Hugs!

 

[Linde]

@Donica, reading this I wonder if I am the exception with my therapist? When we meet, the hour is over faster than either of us wants it to be done!
I changed therapists twice, but I found during the first meeting already that they could learn more from me than I from them. There was no reason to go any more to see either of them.

Hugs
Linde

 

[Confused]

I guess I am more interesting or lucked out with my therapist. I keep her awake. I don't think she gets many like me

I do agree with the one size fits all though. My therapist had no idea how to write a letter for me, but got help from someone who did. Maybe I'm just that confusing.

Hugs,
Mike

 

[Randi]

Allie, so sorry to hear of your troubles. I've had a bad therapist and a couple of good ones. And by bad, I guess I mean one that wasn't a good fit and didn't know a lot about LGTB, and T specifically, issues. I'm not sure what your back story is in regard to therapy. If you haven't had one well-versed in gender issues, that might be helpful for you. I know of a couple of trans women who are therapists. No idea how good they are, but there are resources like that.

It saddens me to hear you say that you hate being trans and that transitioning was a choice forced by dysphoria. I understand why anyone would feel that way, given our culture and the way we were socialized. I internalized so much transphobia and fought tooth-and-nail against myself for many, many years. I am more and more convinced I was so wrong on so many levels, and that whatever damage it's done was caused by the struggle. Why are we trans? Who knows, but we are, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. It is not a pathology that we have no choice but to accept and deal with as best we can. I hope you can come to embrace it.

 

[OzGirl]

Randi, being trans has certainly not made my life better, in fact it is at the base of almost every pain I have ever had. For me, I know I can never be who I need to be, and that is a mother. Once I was old enough to realise that could never happen, I wanted no part of being trans. Trans is a journey, but for me, my journey has no destination, no goals to attain other than survival. Although my subconscious brain is somewhat appeased by HRT, living full time, and GRS, my conscious brain doesn’t find validity in any of this. This ongoing battle between my brains Gender ID and my conscious thought is why I know we are like this because of a birth defect.

I am more comfortable living in a female role, but to me , it is not legitimate. I put a lot of thought into transitioning over the years, and consciously decided not to go through the pain and expense, and even more important, not to put my loved ones through the same, but my birth defect overruled my free thought, and forced me. I guess I am rebelling like anyon who has their freedom taken away.

I had hopes that my psych carers would find a solution, but I seem to be in a different situaton than they have handled in the past and they couldn’t provide a solution, only ways to deflect my thoughts or bury the problem. I do this, to keep me functional day to day, but when really stressful situations arise, so does my buried conflict.

Hugs,

Allie

 

[Melanierose]

Hi
Sorry to hear your text like a scream.
my only advice. I like to quote the mafia. This is business not personal. You must try to sift out facts from child like emotions. So you have a solid base.
I never learnt anything from my three psych assessment. I told them.
mel xxx

 

[Melanierose]

Another bit of advice. Stop thinking about absolutely everything that has happened or been said or done in the past. You are living now today. Where are you ? What are you doing today. What do you want to do tomorrow. Focus on do able things

 

[OzGirl]

Another bit of advice. Stop thinking about absolutely everything that has happened or been said or done in the past. You are living now today. Where are you ? What are you doing today. What do you want to do tomorrow. Focus on do able things

Thanks Melanie, but my conflict is in the present, and there is no reason to believe it won't continue into the future. You do have good advice though, I need to stop thinking!

Hugs,

Allie

 

[Loki Luci]

@OzGirl , so many here are present for you. I think that's a beautiful thing. So many of us wouldn't be here in this safe space if it wasn't for staff members like you.
Though I could not begin to imagine your despair, anxiety and feeling of loss, I can relate to the feeling of being in an existential crisis where nothing seems chosen out of free will and where being adrift. But, instead of being the dysphoria and inflicted complications and relationship issues that created that, it was, for me, the lie I was set up for, the role I was supposed to perform that failed. Me accepting myself as a woman (if that be what it means to be trans) shattered my social/family life and made my future very uncertain. I currently live in limbo, waiting for change. But, in comparison to the hell of having a predetermined future where my ex, her folks and everyone else had me as a helpful man-servant that did the man things, fixing their house and securing their life, where none of it was my choosing, including what state I lived in or even what kind of house my money was going to be put towards, being the agent and subject of chaos has been cathartic (though not comfortably).
Again, it's not the same as what you're going through and I found meaning and comfort in my identity, instead. I'm trying to give some awkward support while trying to say that I hope you find the Light in the Darkness. This group has helped me realize that I'm not alone in my experience nor am I alone, that there's others out there and we can bring some morale. Thank you for being apart of that morale! <3

 

[OzGirl]

@OzGirl , so many here are present for you. I think that's a beautiful thing. So many of us wouldn't be here in this safe space if it wasn't for staff members like you.
Though I could not begin to imagine your despair, anxiety and feeling of loss, I can relate to the feeling of being in an existential crisis where nothing seems chosen out of free will and where being adrift. But, instead of being the dysphoria and inflicted complications and relationship issues that created that, it was, for me, the lie I was set up for, the role I was supposed to perform that failed. Me accepting myself as a woman (if that be what it means to be trans) shattered my social/family life and made my future very uncertain. I currently live in limbo, waiting for change. But, in comparison to the hell of having a predetermined future where my ex, her folks and everyone else had me as a helpful man-servant that did the man things, fixing their house and securing their life, where none of it was my choosing, including what state I lived in or even what kind of house my money was going to be put towards, being the agent and subject of chaos has been cathartic (though not comfortably).
Again, it's not the same as what you're going through and I found meaning and comfort in my identity, instead. I'm trying to give some awkward support while trying to say that I hope you find the Light in the Darkness. This group has helped me realize that I'm not alone in my experience nor am I alone, that there's others out there and we can bring some morale. Thank you for being apart of that morale! <3

Thank you Loki Luci! we are all here to support each other and, while I do have an unusual sort of baggage going into transition, I know that most of us bring things along with us. My discovery was pre school, and I carried dysphoria all my life, but I think I made a success out of being male, while also being female! It cost me 2 marriages, but both women said they were glad to have had me in their lives. I can't imagine believing one thing all your life then coming to the realisation you were the opposite, or no specific gender. That sort of adjustment must have been hard, for everyone involved. At least I knew, and so did everyone who was close to me even though they hadn't properly identified it, so there was no late in life realisation, just being forced to become myself.

Hugs,

Allie

 

[NancyBalik]

Allie, My heart bleeds for you. You are such a beautiful person. You’ve supported so many others (including me). You deserve to be happy, and I have a notion that you will get there. Yet, it seems to me that you’ve got some grieving to do before the joy you deserve will open to you.

Having your wife leave is a major loss and considerable disruption in your life. Plus, even though you decided to leave “the male you” behind, we still grieve for what we’ve chosen to leave behind. We can not move ahead without completing a process of letting go.

About therapists: Like with all occupations, there are great ones, average, and unfortunately, horrible ones. You deserve the best. However, the therapist is only a guide. The pain, and the joys, are all yours. And you, my friend, will begin to experience more and more of the joy of being a woman. Unfortunately, those childhood hurts never go away. We can just have better experiences as we go along (and understand the hurts for what they were).

You will grow old as a woman, and no one can take that away from you. Nancy

 

[Confused]

Randi, being trans has certainly not made my life better, in fact it is at the base of almost every pain I have ever had. For me, I know I can never be who I need to be, and that is a mother. Once I was old enough to realise that could never happen, I wanted no part of being trans. Trans is a journey, but for me, my journey has no destination, no goals to attain other than survival. Although my subconscious brain is somewhat appeased by HRT, living full time, and GRS, my conscious brain doesn’t find validity in any of this. This ongoing battle between my brains Gender ID and my conscious thought is why I know we are like this because of a birth defect.

I am more comfortable living in a female role, but to me , it is not legitimate. I put a lot of thought into transitioning over the years, and consciously decided not to go through the pain and expense, and even more important, not to put my loved ones through the same, but my birth defect overruled my free thought, and forced me. I guess I am rebelling like anyon who has their freedom taken away.

I had hopes that my psych carers would find a solution, but I seem to be in a different situaton than they have handled in the past and they couldn’t provide a solution, only ways to deflect my thoughts or bury the problem. I do this, to keep me functional day to day, but when really stressful situations arise, so does my buried conflict.

Hugs,

Allie

Allie,

I don't think I have ever said this and I don't think we ever had a conversation on SP. You were one of 7 or 8 people on there that helped me understand who I am. Most of that group is now here. I had a similar experience to Luci there. As Nancy said, you have probably supported more people than you realize. I have to agree with everything Nancy just said.

Hugs,
Mike

 

[OzGirl]

Thank you Nancy and Mike for your wonderful thoughts! My struggle is deep seated and unlikely to be resolved, so I need to develop strategies to limit it’s negative effects. I’m sure I can do this within limitations, and have a worthwhile life. I know there are others who bring unresolved issues into their transition, like a break up with a parent or loved one, and these may be solved by simply sitting down to talk with that parent or loved one, but the opportunity never seems to arise. This is where being pro active holds a chance to eliminate baggage. It would be sad to carry baggae for a lifetime if it could be unloaded!

Hugs,

Allie