- Joined
- Dec 24, 2019
- Messages
- 2,482
- Gender Pronouns
- She, Her, Hers, Herself
- Gender Identity
- Female
Recently, I have done very poorly at dealing with my partner leaving. As horrible as the prospect of starting over at 67 years old is, it wasn't just the break up which left me curled up and sobbing. I have unresolved issues about being trans. I hate it, and I resolved many, many years ago my life woud be much more fulfilled if I wasn't trans. Being trans made my childhood a misery. It nealy killed me through puberty, and trying to figure out my place as a young adult. It caused me to make a poor decision in marriage, and set me on a path for decades of stress and exhaustive work loads. After my kids left home I was able to have a relationship which allowed limited support for my gender dysphoria, and for 20 years I actually had a comfortable life.
Of course, my dysphoria got worse, it caused depression, and because I refused to give into it, I had a few stressful years before dysphoria made me so sick I had to transition. To me, dysphoria had won a life long battle, not only did I have to transition, the worst part was that I had to admit that I no longer controlled my life. Yes, I was being forced, against my will, to do something I never wanted to do. I have not been able to reconcile this, and it simmers constantly beneath the surface. When something else goes wrong which upsets me, my unresolved issue about losing control of my life surfaces. Especially when it is something like my life partner leaving me because I am trans. Then I have to deal with my unresolved issue, and the consequences of it, and it becomes too much.
I have spoken to a couple of psychologists about this, and they gave me the sage advice that I need to get on top of this as it will cause me troubles. I already knew that, what I needed from them was a way to get on top of it! But no solutions have been forthcoming, so my unresolved issue is still simmering just below the surface.
I guess I am not alone in this, as many of us have unresolved issues which crop up at times of stress, and being trans is full of times of stress! I have found it beneficial to seperate my issues and deal with them individually, rather than let one drag the other down, but I am far from getting on top of this.
Hugs,
Allie
Of course, my dysphoria got worse, it caused depression, and because I refused to give into it, I had a few stressful years before dysphoria made me so sick I had to transition. To me, dysphoria had won a life long battle, not only did I have to transition, the worst part was that I had to admit that I no longer controlled my life. Yes, I was being forced, against my will, to do something I never wanted to do. I have not been able to reconcile this, and it simmers constantly beneath the surface. When something else goes wrong which upsets me, my unresolved issue about losing control of my life surfaces. Especially when it is something like my life partner leaving me because I am trans. Then I have to deal with my unresolved issue, and the consequences of it, and it becomes too much.
I have spoken to a couple of psychologists about this, and they gave me the sage advice that I need to get on top of this as it will cause me troubles. I already knew that, what I needed from them was a way to get on top of it! But no solutions have been forthcoming, so my unresolved issue is still simmering just below the surface.
I guess I am not alone in this, as many of us have unresolved issues which crop up at times of stress, and being trans is full of times of stress! I have found it beneficial to seperate my issues and deal with them individually, rather than let one drag the other down, but I am far from getting on top of this.
Hugs,
Allie
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