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WrenT

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Hey everyone! I just moved out and I'm finally living on my own. I was hoping to start coming out to my family in the next little while. I was curious if anyone had advice?

My plan is to come out to my family members one by one, starting with the people who I think will take it the best to the people who I am uncertain of their reaction. I was hoping some of you could give me advice on what kinds of things I should say when I come out. (Like what are some good conversation starters)

Thanks for reading,
Wren
 

Monica

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I don't know if you saw this thread Wren, but it might be something to read. Maybe a good start to read, but always willing to give feedback.

 

WrenT

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I don't know if you saw this thread Wren, but it might be something to read. Maybe a good start to read, but always willing to give feedback.

Thank you for the link! Very helpful
 

OzGirl

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Wren, I have found greater success when telling people you have a medical condition from brain development in utero, and this is causing you increasing discomfort with your gender. Apart from being medically correct, this helps people see you have a condition which needs to be treated. Telling people this is something you want to do places the guilt from others discomfort on you, and has been the cause of many family breakdowns. I have used the medical approach with hundreds of people with complete success.

Hugs,

Allie
 

Michelle_P

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Wren, I have found greater success when telling people you have a medical condition from brain development in utero, and this is causing you increasing discomfort with your gender. Apart from being medically correct, this helps people see you have a condition which needs to be treated. Telling people this is something you want to do places the guilt from others discomfort on you, and has been the cause of many family breakdowns. I have used the medical approach with hundreds of people with complete success.
I've had a sort of love/hate relationship with treating being trans as a medical thing, but that's mostly because of my rights activism. (We deserve equality in human rights simply because we are human, not because of a medical condition...)

Others can accept the medical explanation more readily than it simply feeling right for ourselves, which comes from the old mind/body dichotomy and the misinformed concept of the mind being immaterial and somehow infinitely plastic, which implies that we could be "cured" by conversion therapy!

But yes, there is a medical basis for being trans, deep in the brain, and I took advantage of that in crafting my own coming out letter. It is an explanation more folks are willing to accept.

Here's the announcement I used, complete with a really, really old photo:
 

Katie

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Hi, @WrenT . It takes me a while to make it around to all of the threads. I always have too many irons in the fire, and too many fires.

I think your idea is a good one and is what I did. I came out to my different family members over the course of about a year.
 

Lexxi

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Hi @WrenT ,

I wanted to chime in on how I came out. I've always been a very emotional person so I knew there was no way I could tell my closest family members verbally that I was trans. I would just be crying way too hard for that. So I sat down and wrote a very long letter to my mom. Out of every person on earth I'm closest to my mom and I wanted her to be the very first person I told.

Besides being very emotional, I also talk a LOT. I mean I've been accused of being able to talk the paint off a wall before. Since that's the case I knew my letter would be pretty long...and it was. But I was somehow able to keep it to only 14 pages hahaha. Okay the way I constructed my letter I knew that I wanted to touch on people's emotions. That's a very good way to get and keep people on your side. So I started out telling my mom about one of my earliest memories and how what happened that day made me realize I was different than everyone else. I told her how I felt, what I was thinking and how scared I was. After I got all that out only then did I tell her I was transgender. She said as she read the letter she thought I was going to tell her I was gay.

I went on in the letter to talk about all the research I did that could explain why I was the way I was. I listed out all the current explanations and how this is a medical issue and that they only way to treat it is through transition. I told her how freeing it was to have decided that I'm finally going to be doing something for myself. Needless to say my letter was very emotional and had her in tears. But she was totally accepting like I knew she'd be.

I used her letter as the basis for all the other letters I wrote. Her letter had the entire story...but I copied and pasted parts of it to construct my other letters. Like for my dad I didn't want him to know how I'd struggled mightily when my female friends hit puberty and started developing and I knew I'd never get that chance. I also didn't tell him how I yearned to be pregnant so bad that I thought it was going to kill me. He wouldn't have been able to understand that so I left that out too.

I ended up using letters to come out to 8 people total and I must have done a good job because every single person accepted me, and they all felt closer to me because I'd written such heartfelt letters.

So my recommendation is to construct the very best letter you can write and use that to come out to your people. Letters are very impactful. Good luck!!!
 

WrenT

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Hi @WrenT ,

I wanted to chime in on how I came out. I've always been a very emotional person so I knew there was no way I could tell my closest family members verbally that I was trans. I would just be crying way too hard for that. So I sat down and wrote a very long letter to my mom. Out of every person on earth I'm closest to my mom and I wanted her to be the very first person I told.

Besides being very emotional, I also talk a LOT. I mean I've been accused of being able to talk the paint off a wall before. Since that's the case I knew my letter would be pretty long...and it was. But I was somehow able to keep it to only 14 pages hahaha. Okay the way I constructed my letter I knew that I wanted to touch on people's emotions. That's a very good way to get and keep people on your side. So I started out telling my mom about one of my earliest memories and how what happened that day made me realize I was different than everyone else. I told her how I felt, what I was thinking and how scared I was. After I got all that out only then did I tell her I was transgender. She said as she read the letter she thought I was going to tell her I was gay.

I went on in the letter to talk about all the research I did that could explain why I was the way I was. I listed out all the current explanations and how this is a medical issue and that they only way to treat it is through transition. I told her how freeing it was to have decided that I'm finally going to be doing something for myself. Needless to say my letter was very emotional and had her in tears. But she was totally accepting like I knew she'd be.

I used her letter as the basis for all the other letters I wrote. Her letter had the entire story...but I copied and pasted parts of it to construct my other letters. Like for my dad I didn't want him to know how I'd struggled mightily when my female friends hit puberty and started developing and I knew I'd never get that chance. I also didn't tell him how I yearned to be pregnant so bad that I thought it was going to kill me. He wouldn't have been able to understand that so I left that out too.

I ended up using letters to come out to 8 people total and I must have done a good job because every single person accepted me, and they all felt closer to me because I'd written such heartfelt letters.

So my recommendation is to construct the very best letter you can write and use that to come out to your people. Letters are very impactful. Good luck!!!
I actually took some of the advice of doing a letter and wrote ones to every member of my family, the one I wrote my Mom was also the longest. It helped lessen my anxiety, thank you for sharing your story!
-Wren
 

WrenT

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I've had a sort of love/hate relationship with treating being trans as a medical thing, but that's mostly because of my rights activism. (We deserve equality in human rights simply because we are human, not because of a medical condition...)

Others can accept the medical explanation more readily than it simply feeling right for ourselves, which comes from the old mind/body dichotomy and the misinformed concept of the mind being immaterial and somehow infinitely plastic, which implies that we could be "cured" by conversion therapy!

But yes, there is a medical basis for being trans, deep in the brain, and I took advantage of that in crafting my own coming out letter. It is an explanation more folks are willing to accept.

Here's the announcement I used, complete with a really, really old photo:
I tried to stray a bit from the medical aspect of it, your website was very helpful! Thank you for the link!
-Wren :)
 

WrenT

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Wren, I have found greater success when telling people you have a medical condition from brain development in utero, and this is causing you increasing discomfort with your gender. Apart from being medically correct, this helps people see you have a condition which needs to be treated. Telling people this is something you want to do places the guilt from others discomfort on you, and has been the cause of many family breakdowns. I have used the medical approach with hundreds of people with complete success.

Hugs,

Allie
I did explain part of what Gender Dysphoria was to my parents but I don't think that made much of a difference in their approach to it, I think it was super helpful for them to understand what I am going through though, I am glad you gave this suggestion. It does help me and so many out there on their journey
-Wren :)
 

OzGirl

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Wren, it is so important to show people that this variation in our brain causes us to have a different Gender Identity, and that the conflict between our gender identity and our conscious perceptions is what makes gender dysphoria. Because it is hardwired into us, we can't change our gender identity, so all we can do is manage its effect. The diagram below from Harvard University has been really helpful getting people to understand this!

Hugs,

Allie
Screen Shot 2020-08-21 at 2.12.52 pm.png
 

Monica

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So, it went well then Wren? Do tell!
 

Donica

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Wren, when I came out, I sort of ripped the Band-Aid off all at once (well, within a weeks time). I didn't want to write a lengthy letter, fearing the TL;DR thing. I wanted to be sure that everyone who saw my letter would read it to the end, so there wouldn't be any confusion or misunderstandings. I kept it short but informative and to the point. This worked very well for me. You can find a copy of my FB coming out letter in the "Coming Out Letters, Approaches, Announcements" link that Moni provided above. Let us know how it goes.

Hugs!
 

WrenT

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So, it went well then Wren? Do tell!
Decently well so far, my parents still love/accept me and my sister is super supportive of everything! My brother and sister in law still don't know, so I am still worried about that, but the rest of my family is at least okay with my gender identity and are trying their best to change vocabulary (pronouns and name). Once I am out to everyone I will probably start changing my social media. I have to be cautious though because my boyfriend is not out as bisexual to his family yet and I don't want to out him.

So I would say it's going well :)
-Wren
 

WrenT

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Wren, when I came out, I sort of ripped the Band-Aid off all at once (well, within a weeks time). I didn't want to write a lengthy letter, fearing the TL;DR thing. I wanted to be sure that everyone who saw my letter would read it to the end, so there wouldn't be any confusion or misunderstandings. I kept it short but informative and to the point. This worked very well for me. You can find a copy of my FB coming out letter in the "Coming Out Letters, Approaches, Announcements" link that Moni provided above. Let us know how it goes.

Hugs!
Thank you! I will be sure to check out your facebook announcement I'm sure it will be helpful for when I come out on social media :)
-Wren
 

Monica

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Wonderful news Wren! It sounds very promising.
 
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