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I’ve been bottling up my emotions for years. These emotions especially. I want to talk about them, but I don’t know how to anymore. To be honest my emotions scare me. I’ve bottled everything up for years, and everyone wants me to let them loose. My sister says I can talk to her about this stuff. I feel like I should, but every time I go to I get in my head and I just shut down again. Being that I don’t talk about my emotions I feel fake, and I’m not worth it. I want to just let everything just flow out like a broken damn.
 

Katie

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This is a common experience for transgender people.

The problem is if you don’t open the flood gates in a controlled manner, they will open themselves in a catastrophic way. My dam burst in 2018, resulting in an attempted suicide. After surviving, I had to make the choice between staying in the closet and on the inevitable road to suicide, or come out and do something about the gender dysphoria that was killing me.

The best course of action would be to find a therapist who has experience working with transgender people and start discussing all of this stuff with them.
 

OzGirl

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Anime, I bottled everything up for 65 years, and thought I was on top of it, I never wanted to expose my secret to those close to me, after all, how could I expect them to understand, and I felt I would end up alone. I was determined never to transition and let anybody know about me. But I learned that you just can't do that. I got steadily less healthy, and finally, very sick. Even after 8 months of illness I held out, but I agreed to try HRT. It cured me immediately, and my doctor informed me it was transition or die.

I had a very rough 6 months worried about people finding out, after all, I had guarded this secret for 65 years. But I got to the point where I had to come out. I started with my son, and I was so nervous as I really didn't have my heart in this. He stopped me shortly after I started reading the 2 page letter, and told me he would support me no matter what, then went on to remind me how I had support everything he had wanted to do. Before he interrupted me I felt I was a faulty person, but in a couple of minutes, he reminded me of my value to him, and to everybody else. I went through nearly half a box of tissues trying to read the rest of my story, realising for the first time that I wasn't faulty, and I was actually loved. I came out to nearly 100 people in the next month and a bit, and was absolutely humbled by the responses.

I realised I was me, and still the same person everybody knew. I was different, and had unique challenges, but I wasn't faulty or fake. The fear of people's reactions made me keep my truth from everybody all my life, only to find it was unfounded. It made me keep my truth from myself, and that internal stress threatened to kill me. After the elation of acceptance, I felt a great loss for the time I had denied myself for no reason.

Hugs,

Allie
 
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Marie62

Speak less to say more ...
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Anime, my experience is that it takes time for the cork to come loose, but then it can be a dam breaking alright. This can be a wholly positive experience and it was for me, although I too was scared of my bottled up emotions, but as Katie’s example shows it can also be to much and become dangerous.

Only you can be the judge of that, but the suggestion to find a trans experienced therapist is a good one in any case. Transitioning is no piece of cake thing to do and to have professional help especially in the beginning when everything tends to be overwhelming can literally be a life saver.

This feeling of being fake is something that most trans people have had at least at times and I have just been visited by it big time last week and for the first time in 9 months of transitioning. It was horrible and I was really scared I would lose Marie for good, but I stuck it out and it went away, one morning it suddenly was nearly gone and when I looked in the mirror, Marie was grinning at me as though she had played a trick on me. Women, I swear ...
 

Monica

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I’ve been bottling up my emotions for years. These emotions especially. I want to talk about them, but I don’t know how to anymore. To be honest my emotions scare me. I’ve bottled everything up for years, and everyone wants me to let them loose. My sister says I can talk to her about this stuff. I feel like I should, but every time I go to I get in my head and I just shut down again. Being that I don’t talk about my emotions I feel fake, and I’m not worth it. I want to just let everything just flow out like a broken damn.
Okay, let's start small. Can you give us a name that we can call you by? AnimeVikinggirl is a description which is fine, but a name is a little more personal. My name is Monica or Moni for short.

I think I relate to what you are saying. This is how I felt about breaking the dam in my life. I had this personality that everyone saw. It was not the right gender, but it was safe and secure and the only thing that others saw of me. I was very afraid to change how others perceived me. "Opening up about gender feelings? Well, maybe they would no longer like me, or worse yet, respect me." Saying out loud you have issues with your gender is really hard. It is a first step. Then you have to follow that up your feelings. We get in a pattern of hiding, hiding, hiding! I truly believe that if you find someone you trust the most, and open up to them, you will feel relief, like a weight is lifted. Actually, if you want, you can try it out with someone here. Find someone you relate to and send them a PM. Let them know a bit about you. Start a conversation here that might transfer to a person in your everyday life. We don't know where you live right? lol It's a safe way to start.

Listen, this dam you speak of, it has nothing to do with your worth as a person. It is you trying to protect yourself. At some point, that wall must come down. But don't feel bad about this. It's the inner you that counts. I spent decades not allowing my partner to see me in female mode even though she knew and fully accepted my gender situation. We get it! Take a step toward getting where you want to be. You'll feel better for it.
 

Confused

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Hi Anime,

I think you will find many here that kept this bottled up for a long time. I was 64 before I realized what had been going on in my head. You will find many of us here who can relate and will support you. Let the dam gates open and let it flow. You are not faulty or fake!

I agree with Moni. If you don't feel comfortable on open forum, pick out one of us to PM and start a conversation. A gender therapist would be a good idea as well.

Hugs,
Mike
 

Linde

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Hi Anime, everybody talked about the dam exploding. Well I can tell you, my dam exploded, and it caused a lot of damage. Back when it happened, close to 20 years ago, I did not know that I was trans, cause hardly anybody knew what trans was in those days. I felt very different and was not able to function as a man anymore and that caused the buildup of lots of anger. My ex wanted me to see a therapist, but I did not want to do this. She told me if the anger and almost hate cannot be curbed, she would leave me. The anger got more and more, and after 3 years of anger and hate from my side, she finally left me for good. There I was, after 36 years of marriage, all alone and did not now wat to do. I became rather suicidal, but luckily my son talked me to go to a therapy appointment my ex had made for me.
This turned my life around, and allowed me to become the happy woman I am now. My ex and I are friends these days.

Seeing a therapist saved my life and brought me onto the road to happiness, it may be similar for you.

Hugs
Linde
 

SuzieO

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Anime, I bottled everything up for 65 years, and thought I was on top of it, I never wanted to expose my secret to those close to me, after all, how could I expect them to understand, and I felt I would end up alone. I was determined never to transition and let anybody know about me. But I learned that you just can't do that. I got steadily less healthy, and finally, very sick. Even after 8 months of illness I held out, but I agreed to try HRT. It cured me immediately, and my doctor informed me it was transition or die.

I had a very rough 6 months worried about people finding out, after all, I had guarded this secret for 65 years. But I got to the point where I had to come out. I started with my son, and I was so nervous as I really didn't have my heart in this. He stopped me shortly after I started reading the 2 page letter, and told me he would support me no matter what, then went on to remind me how I had support everything he had wanted to do. Before he interrupted me I felt I was a faulty person, but in a couple of minutes, he reminded me of my value to him, and to everybody else. I went through nearly half a box of tissues trying to read the rest of my story, realising for the first time that I wasn't faulty, and I was actually loved. I came out to nearly 100 people in the next month and a bit, and was absolutely humbled by the responses.

I realised I was me, and still the same person everybody knew. I was different, and had unique challenges, but I wasn't faulty or fake. The fear of people's reactions made me keep my truth from everybody all my life, only to find it was unfounded. It made me keep my truth from myself, and that internal stress threatened to kill me. After the elation of acceptance, I felt a great loss at the time I had denied myself for no reason.

Hugs,

Allie
Very inspiring Allie. Your words always help me so much. Hugs, Suzie
 

NancyBalik

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126
We are all “worth it,” because we all have intrinsic value. To me, it makes sense to be cautious sometimes want us to share our feelings, then judge what we share: about sharing feelings and to choose very wisely who you share with. In my experience, people sometimes want us to share feelings, then judge those feelings as in “ I want to hear your feelings, but they better be the RIGHT feelings.” You will have to judge whether your sister, or someone else, is the right person to start with. Actually, I think as it has to do with our trans feelings, it sometimes works better to start with someone who does not have a stake in maintaining the status quo— a therapist, a support group, a non-family member friend, the people on this forum, etc. Nancy
 
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Thank you everyone. This was very in lighting. I haven’t used my name cause I’m unsure of my name. Most days I like my name others like I said I’m just unsure. To combat these feelings I used a play off my gamer tag. I’ve played video games my whole life, and I almost feel like myself when I’m in them. So my gamer tag is almost like my real name. It’s something that kind of precious to me, but besides all that thank you everyone. Sometimes it’s hard to see a path ahead. Especially when your in a dark tunnel. This gamer girl is going to try n come out of her shell more. Thank you everyone.
group hug.
 

Linde

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AnimeVikingirl
It is nice to live in a virtual world, cause you can shape it to your liking. But believe me, once you are out and have the chance to live the real worlds as the female you are, video games are just a form of entertainment, the real world is really exciting, and wants to be explored as your new self!
I live full time as a woman for several years now, with name and gender change and everything, my life now is so much better than it was trying to live like a man.
Good luck for your new life!

Hugs
Linde
 

Katie

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Living in a dark tunnel damages your vision. That's why you can't see the path ahead.

Okay, I know that sounds like some kind of joke, but I am serious. I spent 36 years in dark despair, feeling like an animal trapped in a dark cage with no windows or lights. Just the darkness of despair and hopelessness. I had no vision for the future, no hope of anything that I was working toward or looking forward to. Everyday was simply existing.

When the door to my prison cell was broken open and the light began to shine into my cell, it hurt my eyes (figuratively). Coming out and living in the authentic truth is painful at first. It is scary. But we all know how useful and wonderful light can be. It allows you to see what was hidden in the darkness. It allows you to do a lot of things that were impossible when you were blind in the darkness.
 

Randi

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Welcome Anime,

It is a damaging thing to keep those feelings bottled up inside. As others have suggested, finding a good therapist can be very helpful. Obviously, online communities such as this can be invaluable. You might also consider keeping a journal for your eyes only. Having to compose your thoughts in order to write them down can be very useful. The dam analogy is a good one. It's pretty overwhelming when it gives way. The sooner you can come to grips with it the more control you'll have over it.
 

Adora

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Anime, Believe me when I say this
Everything you do and say is worth it. ((Likes the name btw, Big anime fan, but thats a different story))
I unlike many of my friends on this sight, haven't had thoughts of suicide, or any emotions eluding to that fact. ((No Im not perfect, well then again I think I am))
But Even I have emotional outbursts, and breakdowns cause things can and will get to be TOO much. I have lived with the stigma of cancer all my life, so I have been down the road of the why mis, and what have I done to deserve this among all the other questions. I guess I have this super hero strength resolve , that keeps me going, and to not lose faith. I knew when it was time to let my inner demons loose onto my family about being transgendered, that it wasn't going to be all Rainbows and smelling like roses. But I had to say something before I did do something bad, to myself and to others...Id never harm anyone nor myself included, but I have felt with mental illness and when your not at you best most clear, you will only spiral to your worst. So in closing you have done the right thing to reach out and let your feelings and thoughts be known. Maybe this will be the defining moment for you to gather your strength and courage to let it all out in a more rational manner to your loved ones. In the long run it will be a better tomorrow for you.
 

Jenniferwill

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I think the best place to start is to write EXACTLY what it is you are bottling up. Then you may get some good advice here. Us guessing is not likely to help you much.
 
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Hi Anime,

This speaks true to how I'm feeling at the moment aswell. I can't give you much advice but it looks like so many great things have already been said.

I went to a councilor for a while and it really helped me see things in a new light and provide a better perspective on the way I was feeling. After all just going by our own mental filters can only get us so far.

This is obviously based on my experience but I'm planning to go back as soon as I can afford it.

Look after yourself Hun x









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