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A Very Short Story about a Life Long Journey

Ava_Marie

Active member
Joined
Oct 14, 2020
Messages
28
Gender Pronouns
She, Her, Hers, Herself
Gender Identity
Female
I knew I was different but as a child I could not articulate what I felt and I felt ashamed of my thoughts and feelings. A once outgoing and confident child became painfully shy, full of self doubt, and anxiety. As an adult being aloof and professional was how I survived. But I was so angry, seeing affront everywhere and so worried about what others thought that I was often paralyzed. Eventually My Mother became so concerned she took me to see a therapist. After several sessions I marshaled the courage to say I liked to dress in Women’s clothing….the look on the physiologist's face made it clear to me that this was not something one talked about, ever.
As an adult I became reasonably successful in my chosen field but those feelings crept back again. I cautiously ordered women's clothing on-line and started to explore my fledgling femininity, dressing in private at home with the doors locked and the curtains closed tight. With the expansion of the internet in the 1990s I discovered the concept of being Transgender and began reading everything I could find. Lynn Conway's story, TS Roadmap, and other early discoveries gave me hope. I began to plan how I could transition but this was not the time. 2002 I purged everything and moved in an effort to quash feminine self. I soon met the girl of my dreams and less than a year later, in Kaui Hawaii with me crying uncontrollably, we were married at sunset. She was beautiful, but I secretly wanted to be wearing her wedding dress. Wedding 02.jpg
In 2013 I was in serious trouble and had to seek professional help to deal with increasing depression and anxiety. My Love for my Wife was a strong but suppressing my female self was destroying me from the inside. For the next few years I tried multiple therapists and medications with minimal success. My true self was trying to break free of her chains once again. Fact was that being en femme calmed my nerves and eased the depression better than any medication. Any chance I had I would go en femme at home but never ventured outside. When I was feeling bold I would change into my feminine clothes in the bathroom at my therapist's office before my session and back into male clothes after. One day I decided to change at home and drive the 23 miles to my therapist's office en femme. I was terrified but arrived triumphant, my first time out in public. Out as me small.jpg
Months went by after my first trip to my therapist en femme and I became more bold, dressing en femme quite frequently and attending therapy sessions exclusively femme. One day my therapist asked what she should call me and I responded Ava. I got goosebumps when she addressed me as Ava that day.
And out we go!.
December 13, 2017 I had a joint therapy session with my Wife, something I had only gotten her to agree to once before. We arrived separately and I shared my extreme distress and my intent to try hormone therapy to see if it alleviated my extreme anxiety. She immediately dropped a bombshell. She knew about Ava, having discovered her Facebook profile November 23, 2017 (Thanksgiving Day) and had kept quiet. I was accused of being a liar, of cheating on her, and a few other nasty things. She then said she wanted a divorce....That went well😑
So over the next few weeks I came out to my friends and family with overwhelming success. That success was repeated at work with my Senior Director asking when he should start calling me Ava🥳
A few months later, legal name change in hand and a new picture ID badge for work , Ava Marie was 100% out to the world.
Work Pic Small.jpg
 

Katie

Administrator
Staff member
Joined
Dec 10, 2019
Messages
2,676
Gender Pronouns
She, Her, Hers, Herself
Gender Identity
Female
@Ava_Marie your story has a lot of content that is more than a little familiar to me. I’m glad to hear the reaction with your employer went so well. That is the next step for me, and I am frankly a little nervous. I know that the “official” reaction will be positive and supportive (I am protected by both Canadian and US employment discrimination laws), but I do wonder what will be said behind my back.
 

Ava_Marie

Active member
Joined
Oct 14, 2020
Messages
28
Gender Pronouns
She, Her, Hers, Herself
Gender Identity
Female
@Ava_Marie your story has a lot of content that is more than a little familiar to me. I’m glad to hear the reaction with your employer went so well. That is the next step for me, and I am frankly a little nervous. I know that the “official” reaction will be positive and supportive (I am protected by both Canadian and US employment discrimination laws), but I do wonder what will be said behind my back.
@Katie Having my Managing Director express his support was the moment I knew things would be cool at work, not perfect, but no worse. Do I think that some people wispier or say nasty things about me behind my back, likely yes, but I know they did that before transition. Allowing my true self out of the shadows allowed all to see the energetic, outgoing and confident woman I had hid for so long.
Something critical I didn't say in my original post (and I don't ever think I have shared publicly) is that before I came out that day in December I had resigned myself to the distinct possibility I would loose everything. I was ready to sacrifice everything I had in life including my career, friends, and family; not to be happy but to end the pain I had endured for 60 years. In the end I lost a few friends and the lifestyle one has being married to wealthy woman (For the record she was poor when we married, then she inherited millions, and no I didn't get any of it). The fact that today, I stand firmly on the positive gains side of the ledger in my life makes each day sweeter than I can express. 💖
 

Donica

Administrator
Staff member
Joined
Dec 24, 2019
Messages
1,600
Gender Pronouns
She, Her, Hers, Herself
Gender Identity
Female
Thank you for sharing your journey Ava. You have blossomed into a beautiful woman and a wonderfully bright soul.

Hugs my Dear friend 💖
 

Linde

Adminstrator
Staff member
Joined
Dec 10, 2019
Messages
4,838
Gender Pronouns
She, Her, Hers, Herself
Gender Identity
Intersex
@ Ava_Marie. Thank you for sharing your story with us.
My marriage also broke into pieces because of me changing, but my ex and I are pretty good friends these days.
But after I changed over to be a woman, I am way happier than I was as a man. My friends who knew me as a man (and I hardly lost any of them) tell me that I was a grumpy type of a guy, and turned into a woman who is smiling and laughing almost all the time now.

I am just sad that I had to wait for so many years before my real self broke free.

Hugs
Linde
 
En Femme 728 x 90
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