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A sophiesticated (pun intended) way to the top

Donica

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I love a family holiday feel good story Sophie. I'm glad you got to visit with them. Stepping out as the real you is very affirming. Congratulations Ms. Ann Sophie.

Hugs!
 

Ann Sophie

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Hello there, I'm right here :)

In the past few weeks I wasn't struggling. It was more of taking a break because the last year was intense and for a couple of weeks I needed to rest a little bit and coming to terms of what has happened und what will happen from now on. Transition is hard, especially during covid, especially when your work life is on the stack... but what to brag about? I'm able to finally come into terms with myself and I become more and more fluent in just being me. People don't struggle in misgendering me anymore (mask helps a bit with that). I get malefails when I have phone calls with health insurance and employment agency. Last week an employer from my health insurance asked for my husband because she actually wanted to make some advertises to me. It was funny to correct her, although I'm longing for the moment where this malefaling is over.

One year of socially transitioning, four month of medically transitioning - and I get called Mrs. on the street and get recognized as the gender I am... it drives tears to my eyes how lucky I am! Never forget that feeling Ann Sophie! NEVER!

If you ask what it takes being a woman? What's the difference? I don't have an answer, it's just natural, that's what I mean with 'fluent'. The combination of 'finally being naturally me' and that I worked hard on my voice achieving a state where people hear me as female helps with that.

Voice is such an important factor! I always sing female parts on songs I hear in the radio. I speak to myself when I'm alone, record what I say and how I speak and even how I sing (noone besides me will ever hear these awful recordings o_O.) Even if my face features are still more masculine (makeup helps with that part!) the time I speak the people recognize me as a woman with masculine features, not the other ways. For the moment, after such a short time of HRT: THAT'S TOTALLY OK! And I want more! Yes I'm lucky not coming from a bully male body and bringing many features into transition that foreshadow a good outcome in a few years, even now with my 35 years.

But people around me also recognize how hard I worked for this! I trained to lose nearly 31 lbs. I trained as mentioned above for my voice. I practiced makeup and other stuff. Like many of you I suffer under face lasering 🤕
Transition takes courage and effort, I got that now, but passing as a woman is not only this or that, but everything as a whole, working on a large puzzle and every piece contributes to the picture.

And that are some of my insights of the past weeks. It's different if someone tells you that that's what it takes - in the end you have to feel it to understand.
Feelings are also something that I have to explore in a new way. I'm in puberty, my chest gives definite testimony about that (EU 85A / US 38AA (?)) and other features also begin to change. Back to the feelings: Maybe it's because I'm in puberty again, I change from euphoric to rebellous to a crybaby from time to time. Last one takes also practice. I've read an article in this forum "As a man I forgot how to cry!" - and that proves exactly my point - I have to relearn how to cry and stay in touch with my feelings because 20 years of imprisoning and chaining them won't be forgotten in a single year of freedom. That takes time. BUT overalls the range of feelings I start to recognize are awesome and demanding - hell yeah riding that rollercoaster.

Being seen as who I am makes me unbelieveably happy. It's proof of everything what I've done in this year was absolutely right. And now I'm taking breath to leap forward again: My appointment at court for name and martial stand change is on Feb 25th, after this it'll hopefully takes just one or two month until it's official (german bureaucracy........................................................................).

I have decided that I definitely want to do FFS this year (if possible) - just some small adjustments that are bothering me and that I fear HRT won't be helping with. Please don't write stuff like "You don't need this or that". It's settled! It's my subjective dysphoria (patting it gently besides) I'm dealing with. It's my transition and as every human on this planet the only person deciding over this body of mine is me. Sorry for being rude here, maybe puberty and being rebellous again. If you want to adress this topic do it constructively please because I'm a little bit annoyed by my mom always telling me that the thought of my lying on the operating table gives her fear. Yes, for me as well. My mom is driven by fears and that makes it hard for me to deal with her sometimes. Even if I tell her that I have the feeling of need for becoming fulfilled she still comes up with it even after I requested her not to do so because that hurts me. It's complicated and I try to be gentle to her... but sometimes I just can't.

I take preparations for GCS in 2022 because the more I grow into transition the more the dysphoria with 'it' grows. I want to live my life 100% as a woman, a penis and testicles don't belong to that life... no.... they just don't.... for me it's that way!
And it's the stuff with having a possible partnership. When sexuality comes into play I don't want to say 'sorry... but I've still got something unwanted between my legs!'. 'He' bothers me, 'he's alien... an totally unwanted part of me which doesn't belong to me (moooooooooooooooom 🙄)

Gosh there's so much stuff goin' on. So many decisions to make, so many preparations to take - all worth it to achieve the goal of reaching into the area of me saying: I'm happy and I'm ok with myself.

And school? It's also difficult. My douche of a principal superseded the topic and I, in my break, didn't push her. I heard from other collegues that she said something like "It's his privat pleasure, so he has to act" and I think that she's happy with me not 'bothering' her... Breaktime is over now. With the staff council and my collegues in my back I will enact my outing at pupils and parents in the week of Feb 22nd for finally go from 98% living me to 100%! Hell it's about time for that.

You see, there's so much going on and still I could write more and more and more. But for the time being this is my update.

Final conclusion? Little Sophie is growing, little Sophie demands some attention, little Sophie is rather happy right now keeping her dysphoria as a pet to educate... 'ssssshhhh big one, I take the lead from here on! Yes... good boy, now shut up and stay silent or I won't feed you this afternoon."
 
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OzGirl

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Sophie, I am so happy to read of your progress, and don't worry about your narrow minded principle, show her up by being great at your job! You are on the upper part of this roller coaster ride at the moment, remember how good it feels so that when the next dip comes, you will have this feeling to look forward to again!

Hugs,

Allie
 

TonyaJanelle

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Hey Sophie, thanks for the update. Great progress. Voice is the main thing that gets me misgendered these days and its because I haven't put in the work on it. Great work you have done on yours, congratulations.
 

Ann Sophie

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Thank you both :)

Sophie, I am so happy to read of your progress, and don't worry about your narrow minded principle, show her up by being great at your job! You are on the upper part of this roller coaster ride at the moment, remember how good it feels so that when the next dip comes, you will have this feeling to look forward to again!

Hugs,

Allie

Yes Allie, I take the moment and bath in it although I know the next dysphoria wave might catch soon, but I decided rather to enjoy the moment than live in fear. I could complain about being so fragile or I could try to live with it and accept, that you have to go through valleys to climp a mountain. And it'll work out with my principal the one or another way. I have already two other schools interested in me. Guidance counselor against sexual harrassment who is also Trans* - sounds very interesting doesn't it? :D
Thank you for you caring thoughts my dear <3

Hey Sophie, thanks for the update. Great progress. Voice is the main thing that gets me misgendered these days and its because I haven't put in the work on it. Great work you have done on yours, congratulations.

You will make it, believe in you. As ridiculous as it might look when I drove to work in the morning I was listening to one of my favorite bands - Nightwish.


It might be not your music, then search for something that you can enjoy more - the point is: You don't need to sound as beautiful as the female singer does, you just have to try get the high notes and hold them. Train it that you brain and vocal cords get accostumed to it. Then try to recreate these pitches while normally speaking. It WILL sound awful at first. The more you get into it, the more better it'll sound. But you mustn't stress your vocal chords, the time you feel that they hurt or you get throat aches, stop it. I supported my training with sage tea and warm milk with honey.
Listen to the cis-females around you, how they talk, how they use to have a greater variations during speaking than males do. It is listen and repeat at first. It took me eight month to get an initial hang of it. Once you got accostumed to pitch and way of female speaking, it's practice.

There also differences in the choice of words men and women use. A man in group among men would say "I'm gonna take a piss" or similar. Women might say this as well, but even in a group of women it usually would have a comedian aspect or would be out of place. You know what I mean?

Female speaking isn't just about pitch, there are plenty of cis-women with natural deep voices. It's the combination of pitch, melody and use of words and how to pronounce them. I don't know if it's a german thing that women here tend to speak consonants like 't' more soft. Even the german 's' in it's various uses is pronounced slightly more soft by women compared to men.

All together makes the whole impression.

I know.... it sounds much easier writing this than it actually was... Once you've found your wave of speaking, you'll get a hang of it :)
 

Monica

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Hi Sophie, I love it when you update. You have come so far. So much adjusting and evaluating at this stage. When you get to the more relaxed stage, you are really going to enjoy it. I see your confidence growing and I just love it.
 

Linde

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Hello Sophie, it is nice to hear that you are still moving on, and the stress of Covid and your job has not brought you down. You seem to have a pretty obnoxious Schulleiterin, but she will get used to you as long as you perform well, and the parents don't complain to much.
You really approached the modification of your talking from male to female very methodically.
One thing I would want to add to this, is to try to train your larynx as high up in the throat as possible, this brings the vocal cords more automatically into a position to sound more female. You are there if you wake up in the morning and speak in your new voice pitch without even thinking about it.
Or, you can do it like I did, loose your ability to crate any sounds and get vocal cord implants tuned right to the pitch you agreed upon with your doc. The trade off is that I can't speak with a manly low voice anymore.
Anyway, keep up with all the positiv things going on in your life!

Hugs
Linde
 

Ann Sophie

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Or, you can do it like I did, loose your ability to crate any sounds and get vocal cord implants tuned right to the pitch you agreed upon with your doc. The trade off is that I can't speak with a manly low voice anymore.
Hey Linde :)
Although I'm open to some body modifications for my female self to a limited extend - I still say the least surgeries needed, the most surgeries necessary to be happy and confident - vocal implants / surgery at my vocal chords is something I nearly 100% won't do, because my voice is my job. Any mistake or longer recovery whatever and I might not be able to do my job as a teacher anymore. Because of that I'm cautious with it, and I try to achieve a method that on the one hand shows results that make me happy and confident and on the other hand preserve a healthy state of the vocal anatomy. It's difficult but managable, if you know how and don't stress your efforts too much.
 

Ann Sophie

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So this week was quite the turmoil. After my principal did not send any kind of sign that she is interested or concerned about what will happen in the near future I wrote an email to her on sunday, asking for a soon conversation and that I had definite plans for my final outing in front of my pupils and their parents.

On monday I received two mails from her: One with two offers for the conversation, one which was obviously not meant for my eyes. In this second mail she adressed to the other head staff of the school but had forgotten to put me out of the cc.

The mail was like this:

She clearly adressed me as HE in her mail and told the others that I would only be allowed for the outing when my ID change finally would be filed.

I was furious on monday... this was her true self. Now she finally, due to a mistake, showed her true colors. Since monday I nearly got no sleep and in my mind various outgoings of todays conversation with her occured. From having consens to filing the lawsuit...

But I also took my time to prepare for the talk scheduled today. And the hell I was prepared.

With honesty and a well planned conversational tactic I gave her the feeling to think she'd hold all the cards in her hands while we slowly progressed to the nearly exact outcome I wished for:

My contract will be extended and my outing will be in the last week of march - finally! Girls (and boys :D) we have a date. Only few more weeks to endure in school.

With my ID change done soon as well and all the paper work linked to it my social transition is about to end in a few month. Then I finally can enjoy my life as a woman to a full extend and will focus on the medical transition.

I'm tired. I'm happy. I'm relieved. I'm thankful!
 

Linde

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Well done, and good luck for the rest of the process!

Linde
 
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