Hello there, I'm right here
In the past few weeks I wasn't struggling. It was more of taking a break because the last year was intense and for a couple of weeks I needed to rest a little bit and coming to terms of what has happened und what will happen from now on. Transition is hard, especially during covid, especially when your work life is on the stack... but what to brag about? I'm able to finally come into terms with myself and I become more and more fluent in just being me. People don't struggle in misgendering me anymore (mask helps a bit with that). I get malefails when I have phone calls with health insurance and employment agency. Last week an employer from my health insurance asked for my husband because she actually wanted to make some advertises to me. It was funny to correct her, although I'm longing for the moment where this malefaling is over.
One year of socially transitioning, four month of medically transitioning - and I get called Mrs. on the street and get recognized as the gender I am... it drives tears to my eyes how lucky I am! Never forget that feeling Ann Sophie! NEVER!
If you ask what it takes being a woman? What's the difference? I don't have an answer, it's just natural, that's what I mean with 'fluent'. The combination of 'finally being naturally me' and that I worked hard on my voice achieving a state where people hear me as female helps with that.
Voice is such an important factor! I always sing female parts on songs I hear in the radio. I speak to myself when I'm alone, record what I say and how I speak and even how I sing (noone besides me will ever hear these awful recordings
.) Even if my face features are still more masculine (makeup helps with that part!) the time I speak the people recognize me as a woman with masculine features, not the other ways. For the moment, after such a short time of HRT: THAT'S TOTALLY OK! And I want more! Yes I'm lucky not coming from a bully male body and bringing many features into transition that foreshadow a good outcome in a few years, even now with my 35 years.
But people around me also recognize how hard I worked for this! I trained to lose nearly 31 lbs. I trained as mentioned above for my voice. I practiced makeup and other stuff. Like many of you I suffer under face lasering
Transition takes courage and effort, I got that now, but passing as a woman is not only this or that, but everything as a whole, working on a large puzzle and every piece contributes to the picture.
And that are some of my insights of the past weeks. It's different if someone tells you that that's what it takes - in the end you have to feel it to understand.
Feelings are also something that I have to explore in a new way. I'm in puberty, my chest gives definite testimony about that (EU 85A / US 38AA (?)) and other features also begin to change. Back to the feelings: Maybe it's because I'm in puberty again, I change from euphoric to rebellous to a crybaby from time to time. Last one takes also practice. I've read an article in this forum "As a man I forgot how to cry!" - and that proves exactly my point - I have to relearn how to cry and stay in touch with my feelings because 20 years of imprisoning and chaining them won't be forgotten in a single year of freedom. That takes time. BUT overalls the range of feelings I start to recognize are awesome and demanding - hell yeah riding that rollercoaster.
Being seen as who I am makes me unbelieveably happy. It's proof of everything what I've done in this year was absolutely right. And now I'm taking breath to leap forward again: My appointment at court for name and martial stand change is on Feb 25th, after this it'll hopefully takes just one or two month until it's official (german bureaucracy........................................................................).
I have decided that I definitely want to do FFS this year (if possible) - just some small adjustments that are bothering me and that I fear HRT won't be helping with. Please don't write stuff like "You don't need this or that".
It's settled! It's my subjective dysphoria (patting it gently besides) I'm dealing with. It's my transition and as every human on this planet the only person deciding over this body of mine is me. Sorry for being rude here, maybe puberty and being rebellous again. If you want to adress this topic do it constructively please because I'm a little bit annoyed by my mom always telling me that the thought of my lying on the operating table gives her fear. Yes, for me as well. My mom is driven by fears and that makes it hard for me to deal with her sometimes. Even if I tell her that I have the feeling of need for becoming fulfilled she still comes up with it even after I requested her not to do so because that hurts me. It's complicated and I try to be gentle to her... but sometimes I just can't.
I take preparations for GCS in 2022 because the more I grow into transition the more the dysphoria with 'it' grows. I want to live my life 100% as a woman, a penis and testicles don't belong to that life... no.... they just don't.... for me it's that way!
And it's the stuff with having a possible partnership. When sexuality comes into play I don't want to say 'sorry... but I've still got something unwanted between my legs!'. 'He' bothers me, 'he's alien... an totally unwanted part of me which doesn't belong to me (moooooooooooooooom
)
Gosh there's so much stuff goin' on. So many decisions to make, so many preparations to take - all worth it to achieve the goal of reaching into the area of me saying: I'm happy and I'm ok with myself.
And school? It's also difficult. My douche of a principal superseded the topic and I, in my break, didn't push her. I heard from other collegues that she said something like "It's his privat pleasure, so he has to act" and I think that she's happy with me not 'bothering' her... Breaktime is over now. With the staff council and my collegues in my back I will enact my outing at pupils and parents in the week of Feb 22nd for finally go from 98% living me to 100%! Hell it's about time for that.
You see, there's so much going on and still I could write more and more and more. But for the time being this is my update.
Final conclusion? Little Sophie is growing, little Sophie demands some attention, little Sophie is rather happy right now keeping her dysphoria as a pet to educate... 'ssssshhhh big one, I take the lead from here on! Yes... good boy, now shut up and stay silent or I won't feed you this afternoon."
