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A sophiesticated (pun intended) way to the top

Katie

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I realized, it's not them staring at me, it's me staring at them because I am the one who expected them to stare

Lol, I did this on my first outing as Katie back in February. I had just had my hair and makeup done at a salon on the fourth floor of a University of Iowa Hospital building. I was so excited about how I looked as I walked out of the salon. I pushed the button for the elevator and waited patiently. The door opened and there was this older lady in a wheelchair in the elevator. I froze like a deer in the headlights. My jubilation at how I looked suddenly turned to fear that maybe I still didn't pass. The old lady got impatient and said, "Well, get in deary. I don't have all day". I laugh now, but at the moment I was so relieved that she didn't call me a sir, or mister, or something masculine. Usually older women call other women or girls deary. The ride down to the first floor was uneventful and I made it to my car and left to go have some lunch. But I still remember just standing there staring at the old lady in the wheelchair.
 

Ann Sophie

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That's such a nice story and shows a similarity I also read in the german forum: Much is happening in your own head. The people aren't always aware of you, they're so commited to their own business and you're the one staring. It's like a selffulfilling prophecy.
 

NicoleT

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Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes.... That is so great .....just great. You are on your way. Very happy for you.
Congratulations...more greatness to come..

Hugs
Nicole
 

Ann Sophie

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I'm tired but cannot sleep because tomorrow my whole family will see me for the first time. My grandmom celebrates her 100th brirthday 🎉 and I will be there as Sophie - 30 members and I. I chose a simple outfit with beige trousers and a black blouse, nothing really special, but I want my grandmom to stay in the spotlight. There'll be a wedding next year, if corona won't interfere, I'll have my first attendance in a dress there, that's for sure! After the ruckus of the past weeks I thrive for the next step and I feel even more free with every one I take.

Today I was shopping in persona for the very first time - no online shops, no deliveries, but taking the stuff into the cabine and try it out. I was so nervous and excited and I really need to be aware, because now I've taken this huge step, I might fall into a shopping rush o_O I still have this feeling of being in the spotlight, but the more I go out, the more normal it grows, the less it bothers me, the more I still realize: I'm the one making them stare because I stare and feel uncomfortable sometimes. Confidence will be the key to be as natural female as I can be 🙆‍♀️

On monday I will finally receive my first dose of E ❣️My therapist finally handed me the letter of indication today, I have it here (!!!!!) and now I'm able to get the train going I longed for so hard the past weeks.

It makes me a bit nervous because the changes over the next years will be so drastic but excitement and happiness are the overpowering feelings right now. If the celebration of my grandmom wouldn't be tomorrow, I would wish this weekend would end as fast as possible 🤣

School will start on Monday again and the possible fight over there lays dormant because of corona. Let's see what will happen because I'm ready to stand my ground if I need to 💪
 

TonyaJanelle

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Awesome Sophie!

Know how you feel about not drawing attention away from grandma. First place I saw any of my extended relatives was at my uncle's funeral. I know my mom had told some of them but didn't know how many. Told my mom I didn't want be a distraction and she told me if anyone had an issue it was their problem. If there was any talk my mom never told me.
 

Marie62

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Sophie,

I already congratulated you on starting HRT soon elsewhere, so no more of that here. But I did want to say that you might just find handling outside attention and dealing with the problems at school easier when the E effects kick in. You already know the calmness effect from your self med days (shame on you), so you know what I am talking about.

Also, please, please make sure you and the others stay safe at your grandma's 100th birthday party. She deverves a celebration together with as many relatives as possible, but you know that cases are soaring and that the next lockdown is looming ...

Hugs,
Marie
 

Katie

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Wow, @Ann Sophie , you're moving right along! May the family event go well!
 

Ann Sophie

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What am I?

You suppose that I will say "I'm a woman" and you are right. But I'm a scientist on her ultimate expedition as well and a scientist is always driven by the urge to discover, unravel and reveal. A scientist is bothered by the secrets around him, for he want's to have explanations for the phenomenons of nature, may they be of a physical, chemical or biological nature. The urge to discover if there is something unknown can be consuming and frustrating, especially when the secrets don't lie visible around you, but percetible within you.

I always felt that there was something different within me, something I didn't have an explanation for and that bothered me. It drew energy and made me sad, frustrated and tired and I had no explanation for it since eight years ago. What drew most of my energy wasn't the very core of my being, but me trying to oppress it. My mom still tells about five years old me saying there would be something inside me which is only mine because no one else would understand... five... years... old...

Today I know exactly what treasure it was which I kept inside for long 29 years further, much too long, but eventually I was able to open this inner cage!

So what am I?
I'm a scientist on an marvellous expedition to herself.
I'm on E for the first time not hidden, but supervised. For the first time I'm not ashamed for it for I aim for the one true goal to become on the outside who I am on the inside.
I was welcomed in my family as Sophie although they knew Felix for over 30 years and my 100 years old granny welcomed her not so new granddaughter.
I've been on the womens toilet for the first time.
I was out (!) shopping for clothes for the first time.
I am so calm for the 1st time in my live that all this Corona-ruckus in the school is stressfull but doesn't really bother me at all.
I wait for my first emotional rollercoaster.

I am a woman and I am happy that I finally discovered and unraveled this truth deep inside me. Now it's time to discover this new life.

Hope you all are doing well!

Hugs
Ann Sophie
 

Katie

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The toilet thing caused me a lot of anxiety until I realized nobody noticed me and it wasn't a big deal.
 

OzGirl

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Anne Sophie, I am so glad your family accepted you, in particular, your grandmother! Yes, getting out in the world as your true self is scary, then liberating, then oh so normal! Congratulations on starting HRT, and yes, this is a roller coaster!

Hugs,

Allie
 

Monica

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A story of triumph, Sophie, a story of triumph. And you are just beginning to discover the beautiful things that lie ahead. So glad to see you post!
 

Linde

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Hello Sophie, the scientist thing has happened with me to. All my working life I was fumbling around with medical experiments, and these days I look at myself as the most involved medical experiment I ever was engaged with.

It is great that you found acceptance in your family, and this helps you to master your future transition. Like Katie said already, the first trip to the toilet was almost traumatic for me. Now that you are out, you will see that life is way less fearful and way more fun than it was before!

Hugs
LInde
 

Marie62

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You're doing great, girl!
 

Monica

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What am I?

You suppose that I will say "I'm a woman" and you are right. But I'm a scientist on her ultimate expedition as well and a scientist is always driven by the urge to discover, unravel and reveal. A scientist is bothered by the secrets around him, for he want's to have explanations for the phenomenons of nature, may they be of a physical, chemical or biological nature. The urge to discover if there is something unknown can be consuming and frustrating, especially when the secrets don't lie visible around you, but percetible within you.

I always felt that there was something different within me, something I didn't have an explanation for and that bothered me. It drew energy and made me sad, frustrated and tired and I had no explanation for it since eight years ago. What drew most of my energy wasn't the very core of my being, but me trying to oppress it. My mom still tells about five years old me saying there would be something inside me which is only mine because no one else would understand... five... years... old...

Today I know exactly what treasure it was which I kept inside for long 29 years further, much too long, but eventually I was able to open this inner cage!

So what am I?
I'm a scientist on an marvellous expedition to herself.
I'm on E for the first time not hidden, but supervised. For the first time I'm not ashamed for it for I aim for the one true goal to become on the outside who I am on the inside.
I was welcomed in my family as Sophie although they knew Felix for over 30 years and my 100 years old granny welcomed her not so new granddaughter.
I've been on the womens toilet for the first time.
I was out (!) shopping for clothes for the first time.
I am so calm for the 1st time in my live that all this Corona-ruckus in the school is stressfull but doesn't really bother me at all.
I wait for my first emotional rollercoaster.

I am a woman and I am happy that I finally discovered and unraveled this truth deep inside me. Now it's time to discover this new life.

Hope you all are doing well!

Hugs
Ann Sophie

SAw this thought of you!
 

Ann Sophie

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SAw this thought of you!
A really good video. Thanks for that because it's fitting into my vision of how I experience myself actually.

I see my transition as a process of emancipation from the past and, much more important, as a process of healing. I had this moment with my mom when I just bursted out into tears before her and admitted for the very first time truly emotionally that I'm missing my dad and that I wish he would be here aswell to accompany his daughter. In five long years since his death I never felt this bond to him so intense. It was like I was desperately crying for help and he should be my savior.
See my family isn't very good at talking about emotions. my father wasn't either. We get shit done if there's a need to. So when my dad died my brother and I buckled up our pain and swallowed it to be there for our mother. Since then we didn't talk much about him and I realised in that very moment with my mom: I really never mourned his death actively until now. I wish he'd be here and he probably might be but I never felt this hole in my life he left this intensely. I loved him dearly and he was a great man.

Keeping me as Sophie imprisoned inside ment keeping her with all this grief, anger, frustation in a small room benath my skin and now that the door to this room has opened. all that's finally coming out. I'm greatful for that because now it's finally possible to let the past be the past and start a new chapter in my life. Healing and emancipation.

I feel like there is something put into the right position inside me. Like there was a conduct inside that was damaged and forestalled a natural flow of energy, emotions and feelings for such a long time. This conduct is open now an it's flowing. I can't say if I ever felt something similar until now.

When I accepted that I'm trans* eight years ago it was like a push, but I was feared by the thought of transitioning and the fear was big enough to keep that flow disturbed, it just flew for a short time and I fell back into my regular life while compensating all this losses my family had to suffer.

Now there is a huge difference. Yes I have fear of the future, but I more welcome every bit of change now. I'm powerful again and strictly aiming for my goals. Not because of an inner resolution, but because I WANT TO and I NEED TO.

Being connected to your inner female self makes it so much easier and more fulfilling to accept who I am.

I built up the strength to make the next big steps at my work and everywhere else for I'm a powerful woman who was always ment to be one.
 

Linde

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Sophie, i was very similar to you. I tried to be a super man, everybody called me a very manly man. I did not cry when my parents died, I did not cry when my very best friend died (we were best friends starting with the age of 12), I did not cry when my only sibling died. I just suppressed all emotions so well that I myself though I was just a piece of ice.

After I was on E for a few weeks, and I had allowed my feelings to surface, I cried an entire day to make up for all the situations I did not allow my feelings to show. I cried over 8 hours without any major interruptions of the crying, and this felt so very liberating to wash everything off and away from my soul.
Over the coming months, I turned into a cry baby, and I love it to be able to show my feelings and emotions!

Crying is so liberating.

Hugs
Linde
 

Ann Sophie

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It's updatetime ☺️

Although C19-quarantine hit me for the third time now (I was quarantined or had a restriction to enter school for at least 24 days now in the past two month 🤯) I'm feeling mostly great. The past weeks have been the revelation I was longing for because I found an inner peace. Yes, I'm ranting a lot, because that's what Germans do (!), but it's different. The more I proceed into the early stages of HRT, the more power I feel to calm down this frustration I lived with for such a long, long period. It's ok that my past was mostly a shitty mess, but there were also bright times where I felt luck at least from other sources than myself. And this has greatly changed.

My former girlfriend correctly said before she left me, if I don't love myself, how could I love her? She was so damn right and I'm still missing her. Yes, I feel lonely and Corona banning me into my flat doesn't make it easier, but on the other side it gives me the possibility to finally deal with myself, deal with my feelings, my fears, my frustration. It's like I'll be able to let my past be my past - no I'm not done yet, this will take time. I'm on the way to redeem myself from what I've done to myself and my girlfriend, redeem myself from the thoughts how I was able to punish myself for such a long time although I already knew that I've never been a male. It's fine now! Or at least soon it'll be.

I'm now able to see my surroundings clearer. My best friend is drowning in work in the last episodes of his dissertation, his girlfriend is struggling with her workshops at university. So I'll cook for them next week and we will just chat and sit together. My mom is planning her moving out of the house she lived for over 30 years and, my das was the organiser, is a little bit overwhelmed by it. My brother is happy with his new girlfriend after losing his wife and second child one year ago. It's like I finally see their struggle and their good times. I feel with them. I wasn't really in the past because it took so much energy to supress myself that I wasn't able to be there for them all the time. And this is who I, Sophie, am! I'm a family person, taking most of her energy from the joy of others. That makes me happy.

Again I'm able to cry at movies, yesterday I really cried at the end of "Finding Nemo", what a great piece of art! This feeling being able to cry (not fully up now) is pure bliss... I want more of that. There is a connection now fitting inside, like there are pathways connected which always should have been.

It's four weeks now since I started HRT and my nipples already hurt and are super sensitive and erected. First stages of breast development? I hope so! It's tingling and especially in the evening I feel tension over there. Four weeks shouldn't be enough to start these reactions but the answer could be, that there are still some E-receptors left from my nine weeks of self medication in March to May? This could be an explanation for the fast first results, how was it with your HRT? Fact is, I'm excited as hell! Hair is growing longer, beard is getting less, alien-between-my-legs becomes a little bit more calm - very appreciated!

It's not that I don't feel dysphoria... hell there are moments where I utterly explode in fear that I'll never be passable as a woman. I hate my nose! It won't survive the transition! Same goes for my chin and aliencucumber! Everytime I wear a mask and only see my eyes and forehead I think this will work out, but when I take off the mask it's like disillusionment... But I'm more able to beer the dysphoria at the moment as long as I feel there is progress. Next week I'll have the next meeting with my principal and let's see how this gonna work out! I'm a little bit tired of living a double live in private and at school. This has to stop in the first trimester of 2021!

And on monday I'll be at my endo for first blood screening! I so hope that T is just giving up and the E is overtaking!

This, ladies and gents, is a short roundup of the Sophie-show 🥰🥰🥰
 

Monica

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Sophie, I see so much healthy thinking in your update. Working on yourself before really being able to fully relate to someone on an intimate basis is so smart. I have a family member just starting this journey. It is tough to go through but necessary. I love hearing of your changes. They are so familiar, and I celebrate your joy with you. You are right, progress helps and it does seem to take so long, but you will get there. The double life will soon be gone. Your presentation will continue to get better, and with that more confidence and feeling at ease. And yes, the ability to cry! It is a physical part of the mental process of being able to just let go. Letting go of the old and taking in the new, it is a beautiful thing to have happen to someone. I thank you for sharing this.
Hugs,
Moni
 

Linde

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This, ladies and gents, is a short roundup of the Sophie-show 🥰🥰🥰
Hi Sophie, I like the Sophie-show a lot, and I can't wait to read the next episode. And as I said, crying is some really nice benefit of HRT!

Because of the fact that the HRT mileage can vary, it could very well be that you have the first gentle results of boob growth!
I can't say much to it because I had my boobs before I ever knew anything about HRT.


Hugs
Linde
 

OzGirl

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Anne Sopie, For my first month on HRT I was truly euphoric! Mostly because it ended 8 months of illness where I believed I would die, but also because after waiting a lifetime, I was taking steps to be me. I didn't really notice much physically except my nipples were always erect and sensitive. Start feeling for bud development, firm areas underneath your nipples, which will grow to the size of golf balls in the months ahead. And prepare to have pain every time you bump your breasts or reach across your body!

Hugs,

Allie
 
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