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A sophiesticated (pun intended) way to the top

Ann Sophie

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Spoiler alert: At the end there will rise up a beautiful princess who spent her life in rags arising from a life as a person she never was ment to be.

What can I say, you might have read my introduction to this forum and I'll weave in these informations already given into this text, adding the flavor to the cake I wanted to get rid of my heart. A simple reminder: Starting a journey I started long ago

Next spoiler alert: it's getting very personal from here on.

The past eight years have been a rollercoaster to its finest. Eight years ago I came out as trans* for the first time to my family, my girlfriend Katharina and three friends. All but one of them reacted with scepticism, not taking me seriously. My parents and my elder brother told me that it just would be a phase and that I hardly look female, I would take myself into a financial abyss and would offer myself to discrimination. My family was always very rational. All these comments made me struggle with myself and when my father was diagnosed with leukemia I dicided to not lose another word about myself for a long, long time. The support of my family was a duty for me and when my girlfriend Katharina broke up with me 6 1/2 years ago because she wasn't sure anymore if I would transition or not I didn't know how to react.

Instead of using this chance I fell in love with Madeleine and decided at first not to tell her anything about being trans*. I always wanted to tell her, but five years ago my father died after a two and a half year long fight. She was always with me - and I was on duty, helping my mom and my brother - standing strong for them.
Four years ago Madeleine's father had an osteoma in his face and we didn't if he'd survive it. Thank god he did, but for me was again no time to be honest to her.
Before Christmas 2017 she told me she had an affair and we seperated over the holidays. Our sexual live wasn't hardly there anymore because I had growing problems with my body - hello dysphoria. So who was I to condemn her for not being honest to me for one year? Apart from this I truly loved her and so "I took her back". When we started to recover from all this times of trouble and I was growing weaker and weaker inside, throwing myself into work to not have to think of my wishes to be free at last.

And when I was nearly ready again to tell her... my sister-in-law died pregnant in her 8th month with her second child because the docs left her with Ibuprofen and cold leg compresses around 20 hours - she had a bacterial infection which they didn't test for, just leaving her in her bed with the symptoms. She and my second nephew died in the early mornings and now my brother was the one to be strong for - another year - until february this year.

When Madeleine found a bra of mine for the very first time in six years, in german you say, the cat was out of the bag and I told her everything. She took around six weeks for her decision to break up while I was hoping to keep her.

The day she broke up with me I ordered the pill online. I was devastated and it was the only silver lining on the horizon I could imagine. So I took the pill for nine weeks and was finally able to free myself from all the past constriction. The feelings I received under the help of ethynilestadiol were tremendous. I felt like chains had been taken of my soul. I was able to go to a therapist telling her "I am trans*!", I was able to stand up to my brother and my mother to tell them that it's not a phase, I was able to tell my friends and fellow collagues at school - and this time I have the support I really need.

I already made my first steps to the real world (Taking the steps - one after another).

Now I am outside as Sophie. I am telling strangers that I am a women although I do not look like one yet. I am on the verge to maybe finally getting hormones, this time prescriped and monitored by experts (hopefully on thursday, wish me luck).

And today I finally understood what the sentence I read month ago means: It is not enough that you're trans* to transition. You have to be convicted to follow this path.

I am now.
That's why I started this thread.

Welcome to my journey.
 

Lexxi

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Hi Sophie,

I'm so sorry for all of your losses. You've had it rougher than most these past 8 years.

I am glad that you've been able to release your female self from the prison you kept her locked up in for so long. The day I started hormones was one of the greatest days of my life. Realistically I know that it wasn't possible for the hormones to have caused any changes in my body in just one day, but it was a HUGE relief just knowing that I finally had the correct ones inside my body for the first time in my life.

So I completely understand how you felt when you were taking your pill. Good luck with your doctor this week. I hope he/she gets you all set up and on track for your transition. Also good luck with your family!!

Lexxi
 

OzGirl

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Sophie, most of us held off accepting who we really are and telling our loved ones because we were afraid, but you did it to protect others, which shows the selfless sort of person you are. Now it is time for you to do what is right for you, and for others to support you in your need.

Hugs,

Allie
 

Linde

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Sophie, I just want to make sure that you know that we and specifically I m with you. If you need it, you can either call or text me whenever you need to talk to an "alte Ziege", who mostly has seen it all!

Hugs
Linde
 

Ann Sophie

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Thank you so much 🥰 I feel much better these times because I have met so nice ladies like you and family and true friends get closer and stronger. Past has happened and it's not changeable. I lived my life with focus on my past until my inner bubble finally popped. Now I'm finally able to direct my view into the future to a person I already am on the inside and will becoming on the outside over the coming few years, aswell. This is what counts.

Sophie, most of us held off accepting who we really are and telling our loved ones because we were afraid, but you did it to protect others, which shows the selfless sort of person you are. Now it is time for you to do what is right for you, and for others to support you in your need.

Hugs,

Allie

Thanks, but it was not only because of protection, it was also out of fear. The "protection" was an excuse for not to transition, for not to confront myself with my dysphoria and my wishes to live as I wish to. If there's something like karma, it is whited out now and I'm finally able to proceed 💪

Let's get it on girls 😁
 

Monica

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Thank you for sharing this very personal story, Sophie. I'm in no way saying transition is for everyone. When it is right for someone, the delay, the excuses, the running is something we try. Looking back, we realize what a painful waste of time it is trying to deny what we know inside. Forums like this are a voice for those people saying, "Yeah, those people who deny your feelings, who deny your reality, they don't know the power of this force that drives us to be genuine." We who have been through it, know because we lived it. (It's one reason, I hope for more cross dressers, more trans men, more nonbinary, and intersex people, to help others with their knowledge.) You seem to have a good head on your shoulders. I think you will really enjoy what comes from rebuilding your life as you want it. I'm very optimistic for you. You are also a very sweet person. So, when you coming on Zoom? I can picture you at the 'kids table' as I like to call any room that includes me and any cohorts who want to play. Come on, we have sex toys!
 

TonyaJanelle

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, when you coming on Zoom? I can picture you at the 'kids table' as I like to call any room that includes me and any cohorts who want to play.

First thought I had when @OzGirl said multiple rooms was that I would get stuck at the kids table with @Moni and @KimOct .
 

TonyaJanelle

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Congratulations on starting your journey @Sophie
 

Ann Sophie

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First thought I had when @OzGirl said multiple rooms was that I would get stuck at the kids table with @Moni and @KimOct .

At least you're not alone anymore when I'm joining in, sweetheart 😘

"Stuck?" Sophie, one thing you should learn in the trans forum world, once they get a little power, they get mighty lassy!

The only fear of powerful beings is to lose their power. I thought we're living in a democracy? 😱 Morgens Jallberg once said: In democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism it's the count that votes." Tonya has been unmasked! (j) 😅
 

Linde

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At least you're not alone anymore when I'm joining in, sweetheart 😘



The only fear of powerful beings is to lose their power. I thought we're living in a democracy? 😱 Morgens Jallberg once said: In democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism it's the count that votes." Tonya has been unmasked! (j) 😅
Who says that this is a democracy? This is something like a constitutional monarchy, and the mods are the bearers of power, and in front of them, is Allie the super mod. You'd better be friendly to them, considering that Allie has the power to put you at the kids table.

Katie and I are shivering in pure horror and fear, when Allie knocks on our forum door! :sick:

Hugs
Linde
 

Ann Sophie

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Who says that this is a democracy? This is something like a constitutional monarchy, and the mods are the bearers of power, and in front of them, is Allie the super mod. You'd better be friendly to them, considering that Allie has the power to put you at the kids table.

Katie and I are shivering in pure horror and fear, when Allie knocks on our forum door! :sick:

Hugs
Linde

It depends on what we're playing at the 'kids' table - I would prefer some good round of poker (texas holdem!) :cool: In the end you wish to be at our table 😜
 

KimOct

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It depends on what we're playing at the 'kids' table - I would prefer some good round of poker (texas holdem!) :cool: In the end you wish to be at our table 😜

As a professional poker dealer I volunteer but I expect large tips from @Moni
 

KimOct

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First thought I had when @OzGirl said multiple rooms was that I would get stuck at the kids table with @Moni and @KimOct .

HEY !!!!!! I resemble that remark !!!! Just because @Moni and I pull each others hair and play 'why are you hitting yourself?' :ROFLMAO:
That does not mean we belong at the kids table. But maybe we deserve a time out in the corner. :ROFLMAO:
 

KimOct

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Sophie I finally took the time to read your initial post above. I am sorry to read of your struggles. I can understand as I have had many of my own. Good luck regarding the hormones that is the right way to proceed.

Regarding 'looking' like a woman. That is a very long conversation. I don't feel good about my appearance. I am very tall and not slender. I usually do not pass. But what matters the most is WHO you are as a person and not how you look. Yes it is easier to say than to feel but it is the best path forward.

So happy you joined us. :)
 

Ann Sophie

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Today was a phenomenal day. It started with the 3rd session of my logopaedic training. Still haven't found 'that' voice, but that's ok, I'm on it and I will find it in a matter of time. I'm sure it'll work out soon, no rush.

My appointment at my therpist was - how can I say - everything I wished for. At first I was fully dressed and styled up (as it could be at this moment without breasts and long hair 😜) in the city of my school... I really didn't bother with the possibility that any of my pupils, collegues or parents could have seen me, for I had a statement to make: I'm ready for the way ahead. I'm ready for what is about to come. It was a bold move because I'm not outed on work. But when I want to be me in the future, I'll have to learn to deal with this fears.

The reward was tremendous because I got the permission to get my first appointment with my endocinologist for blood samples etc.

I'm near HRT, ladies! I can't believe it. I know, I know, hormones need their time to work. But only the thought of beginning this and being on the way in several weeks is making me smile. 😱😱😱

After my appointment I had an 5 1/2 hours long drive to my family with everything - construction sides (german Autobahn isn't what you hear about it - I promise :cautious:) , traffic jams and so on - but after nearly three hours a realized I was still smiling. It really makes me happy and I hope that the hormones will fulfill at least some of my wishes, I'm not greedy.

When I arrived at my mom, still with makeup and in female presentation, she reacted so nice, looking at me, not believing at first, but then snapping out of it and she just admitted everything will work out just fine. She'll take here time to adjust (being very catholic), but I'm sure she will.

I'm tired right now, but it is a good fatigue for having experienced so great things today with my therapist and my mom.

On wednesday I'll have my first appointment for laser hair removal 🙅‍♀️

The trainsition has left the station❣ destination: me 🎉
 

Marie62

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Congratualations Sophie!!! :cool: - Did someone just say "time for a celebration"? 😊 - I'll be in Marburg next Friday (31st July, 1pm) for my appointment with what is now OUR endocrinologist. Do you want to meet for a little something, like an Aperol Spritz or so to celebrate your great steps forward?
P.S. Actually, I enviously want to spy on you, you're moving so fast, I can't believe it ... (y)(y)(y)(y)
 

Katie

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I'm pretty excited to see how your life changes once you start HRT, @Sophie . I have never met anyone yet who was disappointed with HRT.
 

Linde

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@ Sophie, what a great day! Being that happy without having even started the happy pills/gel. Once you have started, and the stuff had some time to work, you will find how our emotions change to the good side, how your sense of smell increase, how your color vision gets better, how your skin gets softer, and, after a while, that you have to go more often to the bathroom, and that your boobs will start to hurt. Get used to that, because that hurt will be with you for several years to come!

Hugs
LInde
 
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