Welcome!

By registering with us, you'll be able to discuss, share and private message with other members of our community.

SignUp Now!

Loki Luci

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 1, 2021
Messages
46
Gender Pronouns
She, Her, Hers, Herself
Gender Identity
Female
What do you call a person that you have been every possible thing with? I've been their stranger, friend, date, spouse, enemy, scapegoat, victim, source of pain, patient, caregiver and, now, their ex. They were also the person I came out to first and was the last to tell them when they didn't believe me the first two times. What do you call that?
We met on a multiple school joint trip and dated for a few months the following summer. After the break-up, we were best friends. I told her, I wanted to become a woman and had a vague belief that it would happen someday (this before I knew anything remotely about the trans community; I was sheltered). She didn't understand then and we went on with life.
We got married, raised a wonderful child together and stayed together as friends even when the marriage wasn't working. When I found transgender resources and learned about gender dysphoria, I was able to sort some mysteries out in my head and my heart wanted to share my discovery. I shared to her my discovery of being transgender woman! But, that was a wrecking ball for her, instead, and I the delusional victim of social propaganda. I became a problematic trickster, a wild card that day.
I thought I must've been so very wrong about everything. She had been a voice of Truth when I was lost and a smart and sensible friend that always wanted my greatest good. Why would we be at odds on something like this? So, I stuffed myself back inside, feeling ashamed and untrusting of myself.
For 4-5 more years, I watched my thoughts, feelings and interactions with others like a casual observer. What I found then remained. All the details kept becoming clearer and the image of my inner self was becoming less dark and miserable. But, why was that shining reflection growing stronger if it had just been a lie?, I thought. My answer came. And a third time I made my friend/ex aware of it, this time with great anxiety, more than before. I broached it in a request to find a therapist (because as our child's mother, she had been used to keeping track of the checkbook while I would go to work).
My friend/ex has always been intelligent and resourceful, with a good intuition and strong will. But, when I came out to her that time, she was frightened, angry and grasping at old outdated psychology theories to explain why I was wrong. Yet, because I had searched the knowledge and cultivated my intuition and looked deep within, I was the one who stood in Truth, for what felt like the first time since we got married. And as she tried to put reasons aside from her own disapproval to why I couldn't seek gender therapy, I realized that being right didn't win anything. She still didn't see... me for me. Three strikes and over twenty years went away with a piece of paper.
So, what does that make her? What do you call yourself to someone who has lost belief in you? Aside from finding myself standing in the Garden of my Soul as a determined woman looking at the sunrise on a new chapter of my life, I have gained a new mystery. And as melodramatic as that all might sound, I've never been here before.
Because I'm not the kind of woman to lay down and die when a chapter has come to a bad ending, I found others who would listen. Some were like me, some weren't, but those few I've found so far did what my best friend could not. They believed.
Blessings to all of you that believe!
 

OzGirl

Global Moderator
Staff member
Joined
Dec 24, 2019
Messages
2,559
Gender Pronouns
She, Her, Hers, Herself
Gender Identity
Female
Luci, welcome to our Refuge! Many of us have similar stories, my ex often commented on what a great mother I was as I raised 2 small children from a previous marriage on my own. She theorised I had not worked out I was gay as our friendship developed, and when committment was mentioned, I clarified that I was Trans. Despite an initial shock, she married me on the proviso I never transitioned. I never intended to transition, but lived my life at home as Allie, and we had a great 20 years. When I got sick with dysphoria, and things looked grim, she argued that I needed HRT to survive. A year later, she divorced me, but we kept sharing our house as friends. She simply can’t accept me as female, and uses my dead name and pronouns. I struggle with what to call her, as we still love each other, but don’t know what our relationship is any more!

Hugs,

Allie
 

Loki Luci

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 1, 2021
Messages
46
Gender Pronouns
She, Her, Hers, Herself
Gender Identity
Female
Thank you, Allie! I knew I wasn't the only one to have a relationship bottom out after coming out, but didn't know how relatable my experience was with other family transpersons. Especially since our roles currently are still locked in the old ways, with my last coming out being to ask for money (because she handles the accounts) to see a gender therapist.
The divorce was inevitable from the second coming out but it just dragged out because things seemed "normal". The melancholy that fueled the post was the feeling of coming to unfamiliar territory (20 years of interdependency and rigid roles) and mourning the entangled estrangement.
Still being in love (both of you) makes situations like that so... messy, right? But, loving yourself is first priority, else you can't support a relationship properly.
I'm glad to be here and admire that you got the chance and had the strength to raise your children. Hopefully that meant that they were not phased by any change you came out with.
I was the working mule and had enjoyed more time with my daughter when she was younger but less time as she became a teenager, where she often followed her mother around and hid in her own room. But, I hear that's normal, though, given the situation.
 

Lexxi

Moderator
Staff member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
970
Gender Pronouns
She, Her, Hers, Herself
Gender Identity
Female
Hi Luci,

I wanted to comment and tell you welcome to our little Refuge. When I first came out I was totally flabbergasted how many trans people have nearly the exact same stories about their lives. From the way they've felt, to the things they've done, to way their relationships have worked out...or not. I'm so sorry that your now ex gave up on you.

I did want to tell you that when my daughter was younger I worked at home and she was with me nearly all the time. I mom worked outside the home so my daughter just thought that's the way families operated. Her mom and I got divorced when my daughter was 6 and she still stayed with me the majority of the time. Then when she turned 13 she moved in with her mom full time. Of course I was devastated. I mean I've been truly and fully heart broken. But all of my female friends tell me that it's totally normal for girls to feel closer with their mothers during their teen years. So I try my best not to get my feelings hurt. But let me tell you...my feelings are destroyed. So I understand how you feel, and I'm sorry that both of us are going through that.

Hang in there girl!!
 

Loki Luci

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 1, 2021
Messages
46
Gender Pronouns
She, Her, Hers, Herself
Gender Identity
Female
Thank you so much, @Lexxi ! It's good to know that there's all this support here.
I'm sure the few transpeople that I knew before the most recent coming out that have been my main support group (via FB messenger) are tired of me texting at all hours, too. ;)
But, seriously, I've read this in many of the tales here and elsewhere that many like us who have split/separated from our original families find new family (framily?) down the road. I hope that is true. However, I believe that no one will be able to replace our daughters in our hearts, but maybe that's not the point. Maybe we're learning just as cis mothers do when their daughters move away and get married. This becomes an opportunity to find another room in our heart or rediscover our parents' "missing" daughters (us) and treat them with the same amount of love we gave ours (speaking about our inner children and self-love), right?
 
En Femme 728 x 90
Top Bottom